| abstract | - Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it- NC: I can't escape it, can I? (camera shakes left and right, meaning "No") I have to go through with it, don't I? (camera shakes up and down, meaning "Yes". NC sobs) All right, here we go. The Star Wars Holiday Special. NC (voiceover): The rumors were true, people. In 1978, an actual Christmas Special was released under the Star Wars name. And it's not like they just got some of the supporting actors be in it. No, they got the whole freaking cast: Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the works. And not only that, it has guest stars, like Art Carney, Harvey Korman and Bea Arthur. Because like most people, when you think Star Wars, you fucking think Bea Arthur. This special has never re-aired, and to this day, George Lucas has apparently gone out of his way to make sure that nobody sees it. NC: So just to recap, this is the guy who said this (Jar Jar Binks) is okay and this (Howard The Duck) is okay, which means this (Star Wars Holiday Special) is the project that he was personally ashamed of. Let me go over that again. Okay(Jar Jar Binks), Okay (Howard The Duck), personally ashamed of (Star Wars Holiday Special). NC: There are not enough toilets in the world to contain the amount of shit-spewing fear that I am going through right now. But, spirit of Christmas, I feel I owe it to you to give the audience a gift to review this... (grimaces) heinous special! NC: Begin. NC (voiceover): So we see Han Solo and Chewbacca fighting off the stock footage from the first movie, as they try to make playful banter. Han Solo: I'll get you back there in time, pal, trust me. Han Solo: That's the spirit! You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it! NC: Life what? Han Solo: You'll be celebrating Life Day before you know it! NC: Life Day? What the hell is Life Day? NC (voiceover): Yes, perhaps I should have rephrased this title a bit. It's not really a Christmas special, as much as it is a Holiday Special. Christmas isn't even mentioned. Instead, we get a Wookiee holiday known as Life Day, a holiday probably invented by Jawa advertisers to make more money. We then cut to a beautiful matte painting where Chewbacca's family lives. NC (voiceover): Why, who's that cute little hunk of armpit hair? I'm guessing it's Chewbacca's son. But it's sort of hard to tell, considering that they never speak English! NC (voiceover): Oh, my God. We're gonna have to listen to this throughout the entire special, aren't we? If you thought Chewbacca's roar got annoying at times, try a fucking choir of it! NC: Well, I do believe that, yeah. My ears are bleeding. Thank you, special. My ears are bleeding. Five minutes in, ears bleeding. Thank you. NC (voiceover): How about SOME SUBTITLES, YOU JERKS?! It's bad enough we have to listen to them belch their lives, but we can't even understand what they are saying! Wookiee #1: Junior! Come over here and eat your yak testicles! Wookiee #2: They taste like diarrhea. I wish I was adopted! Wookiee #1: You were adopted! You're just a Sand Person we glued hair on to! Now eat your dinner, you abomination! NC (voiceover): Seriously, it's like watching a Wookiee Reality Show! Where's the lasers? Where are the starships? Is the hairball equivalent of Norman Rockwell really the only thing we're gonna get? NC (voiceover): What do you think the script for this look like? Do you think it actually explained anymore of what's going on? NC: Believe it or not, I actually have the copy of the screenplay right here! Let's see what it says. Wookiee #1: Roar! NC (voiceover): OK, what's this? All right, you're halfway there, special. You're, in fact, doing something. But how about something that actually makes sense? (Two dancers are shown flipping alongside each other) Whoa! Who's doing the 69 assault there? NC (voiceover, sighing): I have no idea what's going on. It's like watching the Star Wars prequels. NC (voiceover): So if you're following the story OK, and trust me, I know you are, we learn that they have to contact Luke Skywalker to find out what's keeping Chewbacca so long. Luke Skywalker: Oh, he's not there yet. Is that it? NC: Whoa, when did Skywalker turn into a Ken doll? NC (voiceover): I mean, look at him! He looks like a store mannequin. Was the twelve year old tomboy look just in at the time? Luke Skywalker: He and Han left here on schedule. He's not there now, they're way overdue. NC (voiceover, mimicking Luke Skywalker): Well, that just perms my hair! Luke Skywalker: Come on. Don't look so worried. Now, Chewie's not gonna want to come home to a house full of long faces, is he? C'mon, Malla, let's see a little smile. Luke Skywalker: Come on. (Malla smiles) That's better. NC: OK, a Wookiee smiling should be outlawed. NC (voiceover): So one of the Wookiees, I guess, turns on a cooking show, where we see...oh, my God! A very weird looking Cooking show woman: Wonderful! Just adds that touch of frequency. NC: Harvey Korman, no! NC (voiceover): Who the hell designed that thing? He looks like a mix between Cinderella's stepmother and that robot maid from The Jetsons! Cooking show woman: So it's stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Cooking Show Woman: Let's try it again. Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Cooking Show Woman: Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir, beat! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir! Whaa! NC: ENOUGH! Goddamn it, enough! What the fuck?! HOW is this entertainment?! What was the intended age group for this? Ages dead to one?! NC (voiceover): No! Please! Go back to the cooking! I don't want to see all this sci-fi action! I want to see how the fucking dinner turns out! Han Solo: You can say that again. This is one Life Day we won't soon forget. NC (voiceover): Have you ever noticed they never actually acknowledge what Life Day is? I mean, my guess is it's a celebration of life, but what does that entail? What's the history of it? How long has it been around? It's not even much of holiday special if you don't explain the goddamn holiday! NC (voiceover): Oh, good! We're back to the Wookiees. That was about, what, 20 seconds of Harrison Ford you just saw there? You know, when you hire the cast of Star Wars, we expect to see the cast of Star Wars, not these walking dog anuses all day. (The Wookiee roars) Yeah, the dialogue is still riveting. NC (voiceover): Why, if it isn't Art Carney! And, yes. I double checked, I know it's really him. I guess he's helping the rebels and their battle against the Empire, and Chewie's family are friends of the resistance. Art Carney: Why all the long hairy faces? I made it through the Imperial patrol, didn't I? Little Wookiee (voiced by NC, impersonating Gary Coleman): Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Carney? Art Carney: And now for the lovely lady of the house! NC (voiceover): That was a lady the whole time? Art Carney: Happy Life Day! (To grandpa Wookiee) I'll insert this proton pack. I thought you might like this. One of those that... it's a real... it's kind of hard to explain, it's a, uh... WOW. NC: World of Warcraft? NC (voiceover): So I think Grandpa Wookiee enters The Matrix or something as we see him enter some kind of machine as where watches.. Wookiee sperm. Yeah. That sounds about right. Woman: I exist for you, I am in your mind, as you create me. Ooooh, yes! Oh, ooooooh, we are excited, aren't we? Woman: Relax. Just relax. Now, we can have a good time, can't we? NC: Is... this a traditional Life Day pastime? Woman: I am your fantasy. I am your experience. Experience me... NC: This is wrong. This is... a Holocaust of wrong. Woman: I am your pleasure. So enjoy me... NC (as the woman): I know you like it shaved. This is what Wookiees look like without all our fur! NC (voiceover): Eww, why can't we see Grandpa's hands?! Woman: This is our moment together in time that we might turn this moment into an eternity. NC (voiceover; enraged): What is up with this special?! First of all, would you ever look at this and say 'Oh, yeah! Star Wars! I can tell right away!'? Hell! Would you even connect it to a holiday special? Second, are humans just the most attractive creatures in the universe? I mean, you got Jabba putting Leia in that slave outfit, and now, you got a Wookiee jerking off to this chick! NC: How many inner species love nests are there?! NC (voiceover): Oh, good! Because this special wasn't gay enough already. Leia (To Wookiee family via contacting device): Could you do me a favor and send either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the screen, please? C3PO: She says that she would like to grant your request, but is quite unable to do so. Leia: You mean they haven't arrived yet? C3PO: She says there has been no contact. NC (voiceover): You know, I never figured out how the stupid translations in this world work. How come the Wookiee can understand the English that Leia is speaking but can't manage to speak in herself? Is it because their lips don't make O sounds? Leia: The Imperial patrol must be giving them more trouble than we bargained for. NC (voiceover, mimicking Leia): Good thing I'm the leader of the club that's made for you and me. Leia: Malla, are you alone? NC (voiceover): But all might be okay. They hear a ship landing outside and assume it must be Chewbacca. Nelson (from The Simpsons): Ha-ha! NC (voiceover, as a Imperial soldier, mimicking a German accent): They hear you've been hiding Jewish Ewoks! NC (voiceover): So the Empire drops in because they suspect the Wookiees of wrongdoing. Art Carney (To Imperials): Wookiee food isn't the greatest, but I'm sure that I can whip you up something in the kitchen that we can all eat. You don't mind, do you, Malla? (Speaks in a fast manner) Malla, will you come in the kitchen and help me?! NC: What? Art Carney: Malla, will you come in the kitchen and help me?! NC: Isn't that Hawaii's way of saying Merry Christmas to you? NC (voiceover): So Carney tries to distract the Stormtroopers by playing, get this, a music video. NC (voiceover): Wow! They don't have holidays celebrating Jesus in galaxies far, far away, but they sure do have Jefferson Starship singing a love song into a dildo. NC (voiceover): God! It's like the special got bored of itself, and so it decided to change the channel to VH1.! NC: Don't, don't use that. If you point them all out, we're gonna be here all night. NC (voiceover): So after...(sighs) 6 minutes of nothing but that song, we finally get to see some action packed, laser shooting sci-fi adventure with our main heroes... In cartoon form. God! I would punch this special in the nads if I could! Leia: Luke, take R2 with you. NC (voiceover): It's not even a good cartoon either, it's like if Dragon's Lair melted. Luke: Falcon, come in, Falcon. It's Chewie! But where's Han? NC (As Luke): And where are my nostrils, for that matter? Leia: Whatever he's doing, there must be a reason! Man: He's on a collision course. They're in mortal danger... NC: Actually, it is me or the animation is done by the same numbnuts who did those horrible Zelda CD games? Gwonam: These are the faces of EVIL! C-3PO: What are you going, sir? Luke: To see if I can locate the Falcon by visual sighting. Maybe it's close by. NC: Oh, no! We landed in Bedrock! NC (voiceover): The only thing that people really seem to remember about this cartoon is that Boba Fett, some character who got, like, a ton of popularity for some reason, actually made his first appearance here. Boba Fett: It will be easy to find the ship you seek. Follow me, friend. NC (voiceover): But who cares? Everyone else looks like a McDonalds character, so it's not like his coolness factor is going to save anything. C3PO: I'm afraid, sir, because you said Boba is a friend, and... NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, why does C-3PO blink? And what's the purpose?! Darth Vader (on screen): I want them alive. Now that you've got their trust, they may take you to their new base. I see why they call you the best bounty hunter in the galaxy. NC (voiceover): And that was one, two, three lines we got out of James Earl Jones and nothing else. Real nice. You can't even keep the villain in the recording studio for four fucking minutes! NC (voiceover): Argh! Why does Solo look like Richard Gere's crinkled up caricature? C-3PO: Chewbacca suspected all along there was something bad about Boba. Luke Skywalker: How did you know, Chewie? C-3PO: He just didn't smell right. NC (voiceover): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Not funny! Darth Vader: May the Force be with you. NC (voiceover): Oh, please! Don't come back to the plot now! There must be something else you can watch or put on to waste our time! Woman: This instruction cassette provided by the manufacturer. Woman: This product was packed under strict... NC (voiceover): An instruction video. They're actually showing us an instruction video. Are you fucking real?! Was The Carol Burnett Show just cancelled at this time? Harvey Korman is in, like, five separate scenes and none of them funny! Harvey Korman: Now, let's get started, shall we? NC (voiceover): So if you thought this special couldn't possibly get any more boring, Harvey Korman, pretending to be a robot, I guess, demonstrates how to put together a transmitter. And, yes. They show you every. Single. Solitary. STEP!!! Harvey Korman: Thank you for selecting our brand of mini transmitter. If you assemble it properly, following the instructions I am about to give you... Harvey Korman: ...it will provide many years of fun. First, find the sealed package containing all the tools you'll need. Harvey Korman (voiceover): It looks like this. NC: Why is this interesting? Harvey Korman: Try not to rip it open, because it makes a very handy storage case for your tools until you need then again. NC: How is it entertaining? Harvey Korman: This is the first thing you'll need. Please be careful not to hurt yourself on the sharp edges. Ouch. NC: My God. I actually getting stupider while I'm watching this! Harvey Korman: Find the circuit breaker module... NC: There goes my college education. Harvey Korman: Let's start calling these components by their proper names... NC: There goes whatever 5 times 5 equals. Harvey Korman: Every one of the ten thousand terminals are in your circuit breaker module. It is marked in a particular color... NC: There went my name. Don't remember it anymore. Harvey Korman: These must be connected to the wires with the corresponding colors... NC: There went the ability to control my bowels. NC: I'm stupid now. I don't even care. Harvey Korman: We'd better turn our attention to the assembly of the impulse devoice translator. NC (voiceover): Is there a video telling you how to make a goddamn Christmas special? Because that's the one you goddamn need! NC (voiceover): So, finally, after that long drawn out horseshit is over, what do they cut to next? Announcer on a screen: Time now for Life On Tatooine. NC (voiceover): GOOD GOD!! JUST STICK TO THE FUCKING STORY!! WHAT DO YOU HAVE, ADD??!! NC: WERE THERE OTHER SCRIPTS THAT JUST GOT MIXED IN WITH THIS ONE?!! JUST STICK TO ONE FUCKING PREMISE SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH!!! (beat) GOOOOOOOOD!!!!!! NC (voiceover): So, now we cut to Tatooine life! Because the Wookiee life was just so fucking engaging that we needed another one to butt in! A customer: Hello, Agne. Bartender: OK. We'll do it your way. Hello. Now I'll do it my way. What'll it be? NC: Wow, those two guys sound really alike. NC (voiceover): Actually, that's Bea Arthur as the bartender. And the guy is, here's a shocker: Harvey Korman! Haven't seen him in the past five minutes of torture! Bartender: If you're saying what I think you're saying you felt you meant I thought you needed to hear, then I just have one thing to say, I did not. NC (voiceover): Now, actually, to Bea Arthur's credit, she seems to be like the only one who's actually trying in this whole damn thing. I mean, she just has the role of bartender, but I'm actually a million times more interested in what happens in this stupid bar than I am in the rest of the universe. Bartender: Gentlemen, I guess you didn't hear what I said! The Empire has closed us down! All right. We'll have one more round. This one's on the house. NC: Oh, that's weird. This whole intergalactic Empire is concerned with just closing down this bar? I mean, don't they have more important things to do? Emperor: You've done well, Lord Vader. And now I sense we must focus all of our Forces to crush this tiny Cantina on Tatooine. Darth Vader: What of the reports of the Rebel fleet massing near Sulust? Empire: It is of no concern. Soon, the Cantina will be crushed and Bea Arthur will be one of us! Darth Vader: Why do we need Bea Arthur...? Emperor: Silence! NC (voiceover): So she has to get everyone out of the bar, and if you can believe it, actually has a musical number. Bartender: It's not the end, friends! If you're a friend, friend. NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, isn't that Greedo? Huh! I guess he did shoot first. Bartender: Try stopping by, friends, if there's a light in the place! NC (voiceover): Actually, and I hate to say this, but this song sequence actually isn't that bad. Maybe it's because everything else is so horrible by comparison, but I actually feel really sad that her bar is closing. She's the only character I kind of like in all this, and maybe the idea of closing a bar that can supply me alcohol during all of this makes me kind of emotional. Bartender: You know I'm here, friend. Is that a tear, friend? In your eye? NC (voiceover): In fact, you know what? This whole special should have been about her! Yes! This special would have been better if it was focused on Bea Arthur as a singing bartender in a Cantina on Tatooine! That's how low we've gotten, people! That's how low we've gotten. NC: I'm sorry, Bea. I liked your place. It was a nice looking place. NC: Aw... NC: Goddamn it! The fucking Wookiees! NC (voiceover): I hope you get stuck in a drain pipe! NC (voiceover): But both Chewbacca and Han Solo finally come in to try and save the day. NC (voiceover): Wow! That's like the most accident-prone Stormtrooper I've ever seen. I mean, tripping over your own gun? How do you think he'd do in a real battle? NC (mimicking the Stormtrooper with a dumb voice): Oh, hey, look! Rebels! Han Solo: How are you? Mala! Han Solo: Mala, I'd love to, but I can't. I got to get back to the Falcon before someone stumbles across... NC (voiceover, mimicking Harrison Ford): Yeah, they're paying me by the minute, so I can't be here for long. Han Solo: You're like... family... to me. NC: A very distant, rarely seen family. NC (voiceover): So I guess the Wookiees hold up some sort of sparkling snow globes as they're suddenly teleported through a bright heavenly light. Queen: Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? NC (voiceover): God, I need booze. We're then seen inside a room with.. Oh, Jesus. More screeching Wookiees? NC (voiceover): God! They sound like Humpback Whales getting their dicks chopped off! NC: Why are they even wearing those silly robes? Is it a Wookiee chorus? Are they gonna sing Christmas carols? No, no. Don't do it. Don't do it! C-3PO: It is indeed true that at times like this, R2 and I wish that we were more than just mechanical beings... (R2 beeps) ...and were really alive so that we could share your feelings with you. NC (mimicking C-3PO): Because as a machine, this seems quite unbearable to us! NC (voiceover): So all the cast shows up as Princess Leia does her best British impression for the entire crowd. Leia: This holiday is yours, where we all share with you the hope that this day brings us closer to freedom and to harmony and to peace. No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness. NC: Did I mentioned she started doing drugs during this special? Leia: This is the promise of the Tree of Life. NC: OH, GOD, NO! Not a cheesy Life Day song, please! NC: No more! No more! I can't take it! This is the worst! This is the worst Christmas special ever! NC: Stop it! Stop it! PLEASE! Leia: A day that takes us through the darkness... NC: Help me! Somebody help me! Leia: A day that leads us into light... NC: Help me, Santa! (picture of Santa appears) Help me, Jesus Christ! (Picture of Jesus Christ appears) Help me...SANTA CHRIST! Santa Christ: Ho, ho, ho! NC: Santa Christ? Santa Christ: Don't worry, Critic! I'll save you! NC: Wow! Thanks, Santa Christ! Santa Christ: Not at all, Critic! Now hold still! NC: What did you do? Santa Christ: I just cured your diabetes! NC: I had diabetes? I didn't even know I had diabetes! Santa Christ: Now you don't now. Ho, ho, ho! And now, as a special gift, I'm going to wipe your mind clean of this horrible holiday special! NC: It worked! I don't even remember what we were talking about! Santa Christ: Indeed! Ho, ho, ho! Santa Christ: Alrighty, then, Critic! Now, Santa Christ has to get back on my rocket ship. NC: Santa Christ has a rocket ship? Santa Christ: And a Harley! NC: Oh, you kick ass! Santa Christ: I know! Ho, ho, ho! NC: You're just so gosh darn wonderful. I, I love you, Santa Christ! Singers: Santa Christ, Santa Christ! We all love Santa Christ! He is Santa and Jesus, goddamn, he's Santa Christ! He atoned for all our sins, but he also likes pancakes. He saved puppies from a fire, and he also likes pancakes. He played bass for Aerosmith, reads to sick orphans, too. He goes surfing in space, and makes really good fondue. He shoots lasers from his eyes, knit your curtains for free. He fights monsters for fun, and hangs out with Mr. T. Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ, Santa Christ! You are the best, and we love you, Santa Christ!
- Original Air Date: November 17, 1978
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