| abstract | - Carl: My name is Carl, and I am a Vanessa Doofenshmirtz fan. (screen shows various videos with Vanessa singing) Carl: I know that people always think Vanessa is overrated with her oversinging, but I don't. She is the best singer ever! All her songs are amazing, and once I heard she starred in a movie, I immediately knew that I had to watch it. Carl: Let's begin watching the movie. (screen shows Charlene Doofenshmirtz singing) Carl:...Wow, Vanessa really let herself go. Why does she look like this? No, that's Vanessa's mom. Okay, so Vanessa's mom is a drunk bar singer who has to raise her daughter alone because her husband walked out on her. Somehow, she is allowed to bring Vanessa to the bar to sing with her. (screen shows Charlene handing a microphone to a ten year old Vanessa. Vanessa begins singing in a whiny voice) Lisa Simpson: (singing) I'm the saddest kid in grade two... Carl: Anyway, because Vanessa's mom is an alcoholic, she loses custody of her daughter, and Vanessa and her platypus are sent to an orphanage. (scene shows young Vanessa and young Perry walking into an orphange. Young Candace and young Stacy, who are also there, watch them.) I'm sure that when Vanessa grows up, she's going to write songs about being abandoned at a young age, since after all, this is a musical movie. Annotation: NO! THAT SCENE DIDN'T AFFECT THE CHARACTER AT ALL! Carl: Then why is it in the movie.....go on. (screen shows a grown up Vanessa, Candace, and Stacy dancing inappropriately at a club.) Carl: Whoa, what happened to these innocent little girls!? Anyway, Baljeet, a record dealer, wants the girls to be backup singers for his protege, Lindana. Unfortunately, Lindana sucks at singing. Lindana: (singing extremely badly) I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun.... Baljeet: Okay, let's hear Vanessa sing. Vanessa: (singing) I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun.... Baljeet: (to the music producer) Okay, turn Lindana's mic way down, and turn Vanessa's up. Carl: So, anyway, Baljeet asks Lindana to lip-sync to Vanessa, and Vanessa goes along with it because, why the (bleep) not? Carl: Later, Lindana is asked to perform her song at a club for this DJ named Johnny. Johnny, thinking that Lindana is a good singer, tries to flirt with her. Johnny: Wow, you really blew the roof off the house tonight. Carl: Speaking of blowing, Vanessa blows her cover for no reason. Vanessa: (singing) I wanna wanna wanna have fun fun fun! Carl: Impressed, Johnny decides to speak to Vanessa. He later signs her to a label so her singing career can take off. Johnny: Vanessa, I was wondering, would you like to have dinner with me so we can talk about your music? Vanessa: Sure! Carl: So anyway, Vanessa goes on this date. Stacy: Listen, Vanessa, you better not get all freaky on this first date. Vanessa: It's not a date! Candace and Stacy: Yes it is! Carl: I was wrong. I thought this Johnny guy was supposed to go away after three scenes, but now, they want him to be Vanessa's romantic lead. But that can't possibly be the case. He looks and acts like a wimpy goth guy. No movie would try to cast him as their leading man. That'll be ridiculous. (Later at the dinner) Vanessa: Johnny, I was just wondering. Johnny: Yes? Vanessa: (in a dumb voice) Is this a date? Johnny: I like hanging out with you, Vanessa. Carl: (laughs sarcastically) I bet you say that to all the meal tickets. Carl: After the date, Johnny takes Vanessa to his house....this can't possibly be leading to where I think it is.... Johnny: (points to a marimba keyboard) This is called the marimba. It's one of my favorite instruments. (starts playing the marimbas) Vanessa: (randomly kisses Johnny. They both end up doing....stuff) Carl: ....Did he just woo Vanessa by playing the marimbas!? How do you impress girls by playing the marimbas? There are instruments to woo girls, the piano, the guitar, the saxaphone...but the marimbas? Really!? Does he really try doing that when he can't kazoo his way into a girl's heart? Irving: (plays "Let's Get It On" on the kazoo) Vanessa: I just have a little trouble trusting people..... Carl: ....You jumped into bed with a guy named Johnny just because he played the marimbas! Bull(bleep)! Carl: So, anyway, the record company wants Vanessa to shoot a music video for her new single. In the real world, critics said this was Vanessa's worst song to date, but in the movie, it begins to take off. (scene shows Vanessa singing while Candace and Stacy dance badly in the background) Director: Cut, cut! Stacy: ( while shaking her hips) Shaky-shaky-shaky. (to Candace) You have to shake it. Candace: No. Stacy: (getting mad) You have to shake it! (they begin to argue) Director: (to Johnny) We have to get rid of these girls. Johnny: But those are her dancers. Director: I don't like them. Vanessa: (to Johnny) Where are my friends? Johnny: They're home, they're cool. Vanessa: I have to talk to them. Carl: I think we're gonna know what happens next. As Vanessa becomes more famous, she loses touch with her friends because the fame is getting to her head. Annotation: NOPE. THAT SCENE AFFECTED NOTHING! Carl:......... Director: I need Vanessa to wear more revealing clothes. (screen shows four guys dancing suggestively around Vanessa, who is wearing nothing but her underwear. Vanessa looks very uncomfortable). Carl: Well, the video takes a turn for the provacative, making Vanessa very uncomfortable. So, we finally get to the real conflict of the story. Being famous means compromising your principles and possibly being treated like a piece of meat, forcing her to think about whether fame and success is really worth it in the end. (waits for the annotation to tell him that he's wrong) Huh? Huh? (thinks he's right) Okay. Annotation. NOPE. THE MOVIE FORGETS ABOUT THIS COMPLETELY! Carl: Oh for the love of God, what the (bleep) is the point of this movie!? WHAT'S THE PLOT!? WHAT'S THE THEME!? WHY DOES ONE SCENE FOLLOW ANOTHER!? WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!? Carl: After the video shoot, Vanessa apologizes to her friends about ditching them, making the movie seem not to have a plot line that blooms. Vanessa: (to Candace and Stacy) You guys are like my family. I don't want to lose you. You guys wanna go shopping? Candace and Stacy: Yeah! (squeals) Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah, shopping solves everything. Let's just see them trying on outfits and (bleep) (screen shows Candace, Stacy, and Vanessa wearing fancy clothes and walking down the street, laughing and smiling) Carl:............... Annotation: WORST. SHOPPING. MONTAGE. EVER. Carl: Well, more bad news for Johnny. The music industry is kicking him out so Vanessa can work with other producers, and also Baljeet came back to collect his money so he can finance Lindana's career. I really have to wonder what amazing things this chick is doing to manipulate Baljeet so he can continue to make this dead pony a star. Just find another pretty girl that can actually sing. You're in Danville, you can find them in Phineas and Ferb's backyard. Johnny: (to Baljeet) I'm determined to make that girl famous. Baljeet: But Lindana needs a career. Carl: Well, she can have a career hosting reality cooking shows. Did you think of that? Johnny: (to Baljeet) You have food in your crib? Well, when you run out, come see me. This is a (bleep) deal and you know it. Carl: (sarcastically) Yeah, a (bleep) deal that you agreed to, jerk! Carl: So, Johnny decides not to pay Baljeet the money, and to celebrate his stupidity, he and Vanessa move in together. (screen shows Vanessa looking through a box and looking upset. Johnny walks in the room) Johnny: What's wrong? Vanessa: (with tears in her eyes) I found a box of my mother's things. (takes out a ring) This was hers. Carl: Vanessa Doofenshmirtz. Vocal range of eight octaves, emotional range of a grapefruit. (screen shoes Vanessa writing in a diary) Carl: (sarcastically) Dear diary, I'm so worried about the direction of the movie. There doesn't seem to be any concrete momentum moving the plot forward. I don't know what to do. (not being sarcastic) Well, they do go to a party. That could be some momentum, I guess. (notices that Johnny is not wearing a shirt) Nice outfit, Johnny. CandaceFan: (walks up to Vanessa) Maybe we should get together, do a duet sometime. Johnny: (walks up to them) Hi, I'm Johnny. (pulls Vanessa away) Carl: Well, this one singer is flirting with Vanessa, and Johnny doesn't like that. Also, he feels bad because no one is taking him seriously. Gee, I wonder why. Annotation: Try a shirt next time, dummkopf. Johnny: (angrily, to Vanessa) Find the girls, and get in the car, now. Vanessa: What? Johnny: I said get in the car. Don't make me make a scene, Vanessa. Carl: Well, gee, can you make a scene more embarrassing than not showing up with a (bleep) shirt? (in the car) Johnny: Wow, he really wants to write a song with you. Would he be willing to write a song with you if you were, you know, properly dressed? Look at everything here. (points at Vanessa's dress) Everything's hanging out. Carl: SAYS THE GUY WITHOUT A SHIRT. Carl: Well, they make up, but then this happens. Vanessa: (supposedly to Johnny) Did you figure out what you're gonna wear to the afterparty? Baljeet: (shows up) I wasn't invited to no afterparty. I just want my money. (pinches Vanessa's cheeks) Now, I don't wanna have to hurt you....but I will...... Carl: Um, is this necessary? You can sue, you know. Johnny: Vanessa, what's wrong? Vanessa: Baljeet said that if you don't pay him his money, then he's gonna hurt me. Johnny: He's gonna hurt you? Vanessa: Yes. Johnny: Well..... (screen cuts to Baljeet walking when suddenly Johnny tackles him to the ground and bangs his head against a car) Carl: Um....not sure how fighting is supposed to save Vanessa. (mocking Johnny) WHERE'S MY MONEY!? WHERE'S MY MONEY!? Oh, that's right, I still have my money because I refuse to pay you. Carl: Vanessa has to cancel a performance and get away from the paparazzi to bail Johnny out of jail and that begins a fun conversation. Vanessa: (angrily) I'm not going to let you sit around and ruin everything that I'm working for! Johnny: If it wasn't for me, you would have been waiting tables! Vanessa: Total bull(bleep)! Don't blame me for your failure! Johnny: Just because you swing your (bleep) around onstage doesn't make you all that! Vanessa: (slaps Johnny in the face) Johnny: (violently moves toward Vanessa and raises his hand to hit her, then puts it down) Carl: .....Well, that's the end of that romance. Never has the romance of an overcontrolling douche and an emotionless singer been more interesting. (shows Vanessa crying and picking up Perry) I believed in them, I really----SHE KEPT THE PLATYPUS!? HOW OLD IS THAT THING!? IS IT, LIKE, SEVENTEEN, AT THIS POINT?! Vanessa: (to Johnny) I have to say goodbye to you. Carl: Anyway, thank god that that dead-end of a romance is over. Vanessa does a duet with that guy who was flirting with her, and thank god that this movie provided her with a positive love interest who is on the same level as her and can help her with her career. Annotation: NOPE. HE'S NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN! Carl:...I hate this movie. Johnny: (reads a magazine that has Vanessa on the cover) Carl: You know, I can't help but notice that this character is still in the movie. I think he already served his purpose. I don't think we need any more of Johnny the douche. (screen shows Vanessa and Johnny writing songs separately. It turns out that they're writing the same song) Carl: Yes, that's right. They're composing a song, psychically, with the same notes and lyrics despite being thousands of miles apart. This is actually happening. GAG. ME. And then she goes to his house, and finds the song that they composed together. (shows Vanessa kissing the song that Johnny wrote) Awww. Johnny: (finds the song and notices Vanessa's kiss marks on it. He smiles.) Carl: (sarcastically) Oh good, they're gonna get back together. I was sure rooting for those two crazy kids. And I'm ready to forgive Johnny for being such an insecure overcontrolling (bleep). And his clear tendencies towards violence, and the part where he almost hit her, the fact that he was a horrible impedement to her career, mass of unpaid debts....(shows Baljeet coming out a car) Speaking of..... Baljeet: Hey, Johnny. Johnny: (walks over to Baljeet) Baljeet: (shoots Johnny. The screen goes black) Carl: (sarcastically) Vanessa finds out he's dead, and it's just so sad. I think we need a montage for this tragic love story of our time. (montage of Johnessa moments from the movie plays with a woman singing in the background) (screen shows Vanessa finding a letter from Johnny) Carl: Oh, and Johnny's last gift for Vanessa. Vanessa: (reading the letter) "Congratulations Vanessa. Social Services called. They found your mother. (Vanessa begins crying) She's living in a small town in the Tri-State Area. She's been clean and sober for quite some time." (screen shows Vanessa's limo driver driving Vanessa to the town where Charlene lives) Carl: (mocking the limo driver) Ma'am, how longer do we have to go? I have to see my kids. (in his regular voice) And she finds her mom. I guess that's what this movie was about. (screen shows Vanessa and Charlene crying and hugging) Carl: (mocking Vanessa) YOU'VE BEEN CLEAN AND SOBER FOR ALL THESE YEARS!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, (BLEEP)!? Carl: So, that was Glitter. Was it that bad? Um, yes, yes it was. Carl: Is it just me, or did Vanessa do NOTHING in this movie? I mean, stuff happens TO her, but when she's supposed to be sad, all she does is put on a sad face and fake tears. We could have just had a robot play Vanessa. Wait....that gives me an idea.... (20 minutes later) Carl Robot: This Stacy song is terrible. What a terrible Stacy song. Carl:...Making these reviews just got a whole lot easier.
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