| abstract | - Boris: My heart! My heart! (collapses on the floor, wheezing, and then lies face up.) Betty: Mr. Kropotkin, are you all right?! Minka: Ah, he's just playing games. He does it all the time. Boris: (gets up) Minka, please! Please let me go home! I'm an old person. I've only got so much time left! Minka: Boris! This is your son-in-law's home movies! Be a man and suffer through it. Boris: Echh! Minka: "Echh" yourself. Charlotte: Oh yes, there IS something worse than a hostile buyout, Jonathan. (softly into phone) I'm about to watch my brother-in-law's home movies. Stu: Folks, in just a moment, the home movies will be ready to roll! (his tie gets caught in the projector mechanism) Chuckie: Hey Tommy, what's "home movies?" Tommy: Well, my dad sure is happy about it. It must be something really really fun! Lil: Maybe "home movies" is when you move to a new home like Susie did. Phil: Naw, that doesn't sound like any fun. Maybe it's when you move around all the furniture in your home! Lil: That's supposed to be fun? I'd rather get diaper rash. Chuckie: I got it! Maybe "home movies" is when your house gets up and starts moving around like it's alive! Angelica: You babies get dumber and dumber every day. Tommy: Well OK, Angelica, you're bigger than us. What's "home movies?" Angelica: (sighs) Home movies is like television except nobody really wants to watch 'em. Tommy: Then why do they? Angelica: They have to. It's the law! Stu: May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? Welcome to Stu Pickle's "Cinema-Domestique." Stu: Drew, if you please. Drew: There's Didi, packing for our vacation to the Grand Canyon. Lou: Oh, it's going to be a long night... Angelica: (to the other babies) Come on, cottonheads. Tommy: Where are we going? Angelica: Shh! Don't ask questions. Just come on! Stu: That's just me goofing around before our trip to the Grand Canyon. Boris: Help me. Help me. Stu: And there we are in our car, getting ready to go on a trip to the Grand Canyon! Chazz: I wanna go home... Stu: That's us pulling out of the driveway... and, here I am coming back for the camera... Boris: Hello, Dr. Kevorkian?! Tommy: Angelica, you still haven't told us what we're doing. Angelica: We're makin' home movies! Tommy: How are we gonna do that? We don't even have one of those "pro-jester" machines! Angelica: Just let me handle this, OK? Tommy: Angelica, you sure you can play with that paper? Angelica: Sure, it's just my dad's work papers. (she places the blank side on the easel, and clears her throat) May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please? It's time for Angelica Pickles's famous home movies! (singing fanfare) Daaaaa, daaaaa, daaaaa, TA-DAAAH! OK, now close your eyes! Tommy: But why, Angelica? How are we gonna... Angelica: I said, CLOSE YOUR EYES! Chuckie: (uncovers his eyes) I don't like this, Tommy! It's dark in here! Angelica: QUIET! And don't open those eyes until I say so! Angelica: Daaaaaaa, which is, daaaaaaa, right, daaaaaaa, now! Angelica: TA-DAAAAAAAAH! OK, this is my house! (she reveals a crayon drawing of her house; the babies look at each other) You're supposed to say "OOOH" AND "AAAH!" Babies: (simultaneously) Oooh, aaah! Angelica: And this is my cat Fluffy, and this is my doll Cynthia. (her drawing depicts a crayon-rendered Cynthia with a yellow face, red hair, a green triangle body with blue legs and big hands...) And this is me, Angelica Pickles; the prettiest, most beautiful-est kid in the whole universe! (the next drawing shows a simple crayon rendering of Angelica, with a purple triangle body, blue legs, and a yellow head with two pigtails. Angelica scribbles the following onto her with her crayons...) And this is my pretty dress, and my pretty shoes, and my pretty crown, and... Tommy: But Angelica, you don't have a crown. Angelica: Hey, this is MY home movies! And if I say I have a crown, then I have a crown, OK?! Now, where was I? Oh yeah... Angelica: (narrating) And this is me, in my beautiful room... Angelica: (narrating) Every day when I get up, I get out of my covers and stand on my bed and greet the day! Angelica: Daddy, daddy, DADDY! Drew: Yes my little darling, my dumpling, my pumpkin pie? (hugs Angelica's leg) Angelica: (shakes Drew off her leg) Get me my breakfast, right now! Angelica: (narrating) And then my daddy brings me breakfast in bed. And I get to eat anything I want! Angelica: (narrating) I eat ice cream and cake with lots of syrup over everything! Chuckie: (stands up) Hey, Angelica! I've been over to your house for breakfast, and YOU don't eat stuff like that! Angelica: QUIET, MORTAL! (Chuckie sits back down) And then, my mommy comes in! Charlotte: Hello, Jonathan? It's me. Get me lots of money, Jonathan. Lots and lots of money so I can buy lots of toys for my beautiful daughter! Hurry, hurry, my daughter gets only the best! (she kisses the top of Angelica's head a few times) Lots of money. Lots of toys for Angelica! Angelica: (narrating) And then my mommy gives me everything I want, and my dad keeps giving me food! Drew: More cupcakes, cupcake? Angelica: Yeah, keep em' comin'! Angelica: (narrating) And I eat and eat, and I keep eating and keep eating and soon... Angelica: (voice echoing) Hiya, babies! Ready for me to STOMP on ya'? (laughs diabolically as she raises her leg...) Chuckie: No, no, don't do it! Angelica: Hey! This is MY home movies, and if I want to stomp you, I can! Tommy: But Angelica, that's not how things really are! Phil: Yeah, you're not that big! Angelica: So? Lil: And your dad's not that small! Angelica: So? Chuckie: And the sky's not orange! Angelica: (handing Chuckie a light-blue crayon) Okay. If you're so smart, here! Let's see your home movies. Chuckie: (nervous) But... I can't. Tommy: Go ahead, Chuckie. Lil: Yeah. Yours can't be any worse than Angelica's. Chuckie: Well, (picking up the crayon and walking to the easel) okay, I'll try. (He picks up a small board.) Close your eyes. Angelica: Oh, boy, this is gonna be a laugh. Chuckie can't draw his way out of a paper bag. Tommy: Why would he want to? Chuckie: Okay, I'm ready. This is my world, and welcome to it. Angelica: (walking to the easel and picking up the board) What happened? Did somebody turn out the lights? Chuckie: No, that's the sky and that's the ground. Angelica: You call that a sky?
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