| abstract | - (We cut to Jerk in front of the Universal Studios Hollywood entrance sign.) Jerk: To all who come to this reasonably content place, welcome. I'm Some Jerk With A Camera! (We cut to the entrance archway for the park with the "Some Jerk With A Camera" Logo in the same style as "Shrek." The song "Deliver Us” from “The Prince of Egypt” plays.) Jerk (v/o): Steven Spielberg got tired of working for Universal, Jeffrey Katzenberg got tired of working for Disney, David Geffen got tired of working for…his own last name (Geffen Records). Spielberg, Katzenberg, Geffen-berg (Their initials are part of “DreamWorks SKG”), few forces in the universe are stronger than three power Jews who want to be even more powerful-ier. (Cut to Spielberg, Katzenberg, and Geffen’s heads as like a “Three Stooges” logo with the caption: “DreamWorks Studios SKG”) Jerk: So, “DreamWorks SKG” was founded and finally, workers could make a decent living manufacturing dreams. Personally, I get them for free each time I sleep at night, but what do I know (Nicholas Bogroff Ganssle walks by.) Nicholas Bogroff Ganssle: (Yells) Scam! Jerk (v/o): Not only were these lunatics (Spielberg, Katzenberg, and Geffen) setting up the first new Hollywood studio in 60 years, they sought to finally challenge Disney at the animated box office. They weren't the first to try, of course. But the other rival studios mostly just copied the Disney formula. (We get examples of this with Ferngully: The Last Rain Forest, Anastasia, and Quest for Camelot) Katzenberg knew DreamWorks had to be different, but how? Were they the studio that told the epic tales of history and mythology that Disney wouldn't touch? (Examples are "Prince of Egypt" and "The Road to El Dorado") No. Were they the studio that flipped the cute talking animal trope on it's head with faux Orwellian satire? (Examples for this are "Antz" and "Chicken Run.") No. (We get the theme and clips from "2001: A Space Odyssey.") The DreamWorks formula eluded them until 2001, when they released the fourth highest-grossing film of the year: A resoundingly successful instant classic that won the first ever Oscar for "Best Animated Feature." In the Katzenberg himself, it defined what a DreamWorks movie could and should be. (We then cut to a clip of the 1st "Shrek" film where Shrek farts while swimming in the swamp. We then cut back to Jerk.) Jerk: (Smirks) Oh, Shrek! Jerk (v/o): The infamous, puerile parody of overwrought, over-manufactured fairy tales that became an overwrought, over-manufactured fairy tale. The movie that guided DreamWorks' path as a studio that mocks Disney, when not ripping them off (Referring to "Shark Tale"), because fuck that studio and it's cheesy direct-to-video sequels, WE"RE PUTTING OUR CHEESY SEQUELS IN THEATERS! (Referring to the Shrek sequels and "Puss in Boots" Spin-off) Yeah, I know these movies still have their fans, I thought the first two films were okay, but nowhere near as what Pixar was doing those years ("Shrek 1 and 2" came out on the same years that "Monsters Inc." and "The Incredibles"). But, "Shrek the Third" was one of those sequels that was so wretchedly godawful, it actually ruins all the other movies that share its universe. (Cut to a clip from "Shrek the Third.") Shrek: (To Arthur Pendragon) I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever. (Cut to Jerk by a fake waffle cart with an animatronic head of Donkey) Jerk: I actually got to see "Shrek The Third" for free at an animation festival. (beat) I still feel ripped off! I just know I could've cured cancer for good in those 90 minutes. (Turns to the Donkey animatronic) YOU HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HOOVES! Jerk (v/o): The legacy of this film truly befits a title that combines the words "Shit" and "Drek." After all, it is the film that told Hollywood, "Let's put Mike Myers in children's mov..." (Cut to a clip from 2003's "The Cat in the Hat." Jerk screams.) AHHH, CLOWN DEMON! (Cut to the NBC Universal Experience, Jerk slowly makes his way up the shot like he was hiding.) Jerk: (Scared) Is he gone? Jerk (v/o): Also, let's put Eddie Murphy in an animated movie. Disney would never be hip enough to do that... (We then cut to clips of Mushu from "Mulan") Really, three years earlier? Huh, no wonder Donkey had a dragon fetish. Mushu: I don't do that tongue thing! (Sticks out his tongue.) Jerk (v/o): And most importantly, let's mock Disneyland, with its cheesy gift shops (Cut to a Jerk in a Universal gift show for "Shrek 4D") and insipid songs (Smash Mouth's "All Star" plays) and inefficient lines (Cut to the line for "Shrek 4D"). God, I hate cheesy theme parks! (Cut to another clip from "The Cat in the Hat.") Cat in the Hat: You mean like at... (Holds up brochure for...) Universal Studios! (Cut to Jerk in front of "Transformers: The Ride," hides again, pokes his head up) Jerk: Now is he gone? Okay, I know what you're thinking. Wait, no, I don't. But, I do know what I'm thinking, "Why would Universal even open a DreamWorks after Spielberg left them Amblin-less?" (Amblin Entertainment is another Spielberg's production companies) Well, have you ever heard the expression, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend?" (We then cut to a clip from "Independence Day.") President Thomas J. Whitmore: We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interest. (Cut to thought bubble Russel Case (played by Randy Quaid) thinking of Elijah C. Skuggs (also played by Randy Quaid) from "Freaked") Elijah C. Skuggs: We'll get Disney's dead ass! Jerk (v/o): So united in common hatred, the Earth and the Moon (The logos for Universal and DreamWorks) collided into each other in an apocalyptic cataclysm, all so this all-star (Shrek) could get his game on and get paid. (Cut to back to "The Cat In the Hat") Cat in the Hat: (Winks while holding Universal studios brochure) Cha-ching! Jerk: (Yells) STOP CUTTING TO THAT! Jerk (v/o): "Shrek 4D," a 3D movie ride with in theater effects, opened in May of 2003 and though the film was technically owned by DreamWorks, they agreed to keep it exclusive to Universal Studios: Hollywood (Beat) and Florida (Beat) and Japan (Beat) and, eventually, Singapore (Beat) and Movie Park: Germany (Beat) and Warner Bros. Movie World in Australia (Beat) and it aired on Nickelodeon once (Beat) and it was shown in UK cinemas with these movies ("Kung Fu Panda 2," "Puss In Boots," and "Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted," Beat) and it was released on DVD (Beat) and on Netflix (Beat) and Youtube (Beat) and given away free with your breakfast, but other than that, you could only see it by paying to visit this theme park. (Cut to back to "The Cat In the Hat") Cat in the Hat: (Winks while holding Universal studios brochure) Cha-ching! Jerk: (Yells) STOP IT! Cut to, literally, ANYTHING BUT THAT! (We cut to the end of "Love Guru." Guru Maurice Pitka (played by Mike Myers) plays a cover of Steve Miller's "The Joker" on his Sitar.) Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah! Jerk: (Looking pissed) I'd like to read the following prepared statement: (Pulls out a piece of paper) "Dear Whoever's editing this, I will find you, I will chop off both your hands with a chainsaw, I will deep fry them, I will force feed them to you, and I will laugh sadistically as you die of cardiac arrest." (Cut back to "The Love Guru," Guru Pitka is still playing "Joker") Guru Pitka: (Singing) Some people call me Maurice. Jerk (v/o): When is a ride, not a ride? At least "Back to the Furure (The Ride)" had the decency to wait for its own closure for a DVD release and If any ride deserves to be called "4D" it's that one. (Cut to a clip from "Back to the Future: Part III") 1955 Doc Brown: (To Marty McFly) You're not thinking 4th dimensionally. Jerk (v/o): But, they didn't just lose one of the "Ds" for this DV (The home release is called "Shrek 3D"). As you may remember, when 3D was the big new thing for theaters and home systems, (Jeffrey) Katzenber was one of the biggest advocates of doing 3D right. (Cut to Jeffrey Katzenberg in an interview on the red carpet premiere of "Kung Fu Panda 2") Jeffrey Katzenberg: If you want to put out a 3D movie, you better put out a quality product or the customers aren't going to go and they shouldn't. Jerk: Well, apparently the man just couldn't wait for Blu-ray, (Holds up the DVD case for 'Shrek 3D") Included free with this DVD were (Opens the case to reveal the disc and 4 sets of cardboard 3D glasses with red and blue cellophane) these. I swear to god, these came with them, I did not just put them in here for the gag. This is the quality product we're meant to use to see the adventures leap from the screen! (Tosses the 3D glasses, nonchalantly.)
* To be fair, when 3D was making a return in the early 2000s, those type of glasses came with the DVD releases of movies made to be seen in 3D. Examples: "Spy Kids 3D: Game Over" and "Sharkboy and Lavagirl." Because, DreamWorks secret plan is to (Puts on 3D glasses) is to indoctrinate us all into Biff's (Tannen) gang. (Cut to a clip from "Back to the Fututre: Part II") 3-D (One of Biff's henchmen, who always wears 3D glasses): (Points at Marty) Look, how'd he get up on stage? Jerk (v/o): (We cut to 3-D's pov of the half red, half blue filter of 3D glasses) How the hell can you even see the stage? (We cut to the line for "Shrek 4D," the red/blue filter is still on.) But, gimmicks aside, what about the ride itself? Well, remember...stupid glasses! (Swats the 3D glasses off and the shot now looks normal.) Remember when I talked about how effectively "The Simpsons Ride" mocks rides while still being a ride? Well, get ready to abandon all that pesky nuance, in favor of a slimy green middle finger pointed in the general direction of Anaheim. Jerk: (Reads a sign outside "Shrek 4D") "74 gift shops and one ride?" What a rip-off, that's 3 whole rides less than when this opened! Jerk (v/o): Speaking of "tortured logic," the pre-show area is littered with medieval torture equipment! (Cut to a clip from "Hudsucker Proxy") Norville Barnes: You know, for kids! Jerk (v/o): Including the 3 Little Pigs in hot boxes and Pinnochio in an iron maiden. (We cut to the lower jar and mouth of Jerk talking into a phone.) Universal Studios/Jerk: (In a distorted voice) We have kidnapped your biggest stars of 1933 and your biggest star of 1940 and...no, not Sorcerer Mickey, the other one, the...(frustrated) THE ONE FROM ULTRON! Yeah, yeah, ok, you will...lost my place...you have 24 hours to give us back Oswald (The Lucky Rabbit) or we will use Ultron...(Corrects himself) PINNOCHIO! Yes, of course I meant Pinnochio. Yes, yes, I'm reading it...YES, I KNOW YOU OWN MARVEL, SHUT UP! We will use Pinnochio to build the pigs stick house, then we'll blow it down and they'll run into a brick house made of...um...Brickman! A man made entirely out of bricks...that we stole from a different studio...that you haven't heard of because cool enough! (Cut to the entrance of Disneyland with a big phone that we saw in the "Back to the Future: The Ride (Part I)" episode. Universal Studios/Jerk is still rambling on the other line.) Universal Studios/Jerk (v/o):The...the trailers were... Disneyland/Jerk: Where the fuck do people keep getting this number? Jerk (v/o): Meanwhile, back at Facebook headquarters. (Lord Farquaad’s emblem looks similar to the Facebook logo. We cut back to the pre-show, there’s a screen (The dungeon cam) where the Gingerbread Man knocks on the screen to try and get our attention.) Gingerbread Man: What are you people doing here? Get Out, before it’s too late! Jerk: Ok. (He then heads out the nearest exit) That was easy. (We then cut to a montage of Jerk going around the park, taking the studio tour tram, rides “The Simpsons Ride,” takes the starway escalator, riding “Jurassic Park: The Ride,” eats a burger, enjoys the “Water World” Stunt Show, and just enjoying himself at the park to B.J. Thomas’ “Raindrops keep falling on my head.” The montage ends with him back in his own car in the parking garage.) Well, that was a fun and fulfilling day! (He screams as he sees the DVD case for “Shrek 3D” is on his dash board and has a “Inception” like surprise noise. He picks it up and throws it in the back seat. But then Screams again as he sees it’s back on the dashboard with surprise noise. He turns around to see it’s not in the back seat he threw it too. He then puts the dvd case behind the left back wheel of his car, gets back in his can and slowly drives in reverse. We hear a crunching noise, he chuckles at his victory, but them he screams again with the surprise noise, but there’s nothing there.) Oh, (Has a sigh of relief) it worked! (The DVD case reappears with a post it on it that says, “No it didn’t” with surprise noise. Jerk screams.) Look, the talking cookie told me to leave! What, suddenly I’m not supposed to obey theme park warnings? Am I supposed to stand up on roller coasters with my hands and arms outside the vehicle? (The DVD case just has surprise noise.) Look, just because a ride is available on DVD and thus easy to review doesn’t mean I have to review it, do I? (DVD makes surprise noise. Jerk sighs.) Ok, fine, lets take you home, I’ll pop you in the DVD play- (Sees that the DVD case is no longer on the dash board.) What the…? (He then sees it hovering outside his car.) Oh, no you don’t! (He then chases after it back into the park to “Raindrops keep falling on my head.”) They need the both of us! (The DVD leads him back to “Shrek 4D.” Jerk is back in the Pre-show area where he was. It’s there he finally catches the DVD.) Happy now? Ok. (We then see another bit of the pre-show with the Magic Mirror.) Magic Mirror: Welcome to Lord Farquaad’s castle. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Jerk: Ok. (He exits again. “Raindrops keep falling on my head” plays again, but then the “Shrek 3D” DVD case hits him in the head) You don’t know what you want! (We then cut back to the pre-show) Magic Mirror: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… (“Star War like music plays”) Pig 1: I love that story. Pig 2: Me too! Pig 3: Little sullied for my taste. Pinnochio: No, our story! Magic Mirror: Oh, so sorry, been feeling really space out lately. Jerk: Meh, a little short, but still better than the prequels. Good Job, J.J. (Abrams)! Jerk (v/o) Then Mirror mask, here, shows us clips from 1st movie. Magic Mirror: Shrek’s home was overrun by a hoard of fairytale creatures, banished by from the kingdom of Dulaq, by the evil Lord Farquaad. Jerk (v/o): You know, a lot has been written about how Lord Farquaad was basically just a Michael Eisner caricature because Katzenberg was still butt hurt over not inheriting Frank Wells’ job. But does the metaphor really hold if he banishes fairy tales? Wouldn’t Eisner be more likely to exploit them mercilessly and put them all to work in sweat shops, making their own merchandise? (Cut to Jerk as the James Bond villain version of Michael Eisner in a dungeon, holding a notepad and Jeffrey Kitty-kat-zenberg, and talks to some Disney characters.) “Michael Eisner:” Ok, Elsa, we’ve got another huge order of your toys, dolls (We see a clip of Elsa in chains from the movie), pins, marital aids, whatever we can slap your face on, really. People just can’t seem to get enough of you, get crackin’! Gurgi/Jerk (v/o): Master? Master! “Michael Eisner:” (Annoyed) What is it, Gurgi? Gurgi/Jerk (v/o): (Behind bars) Does anyone want anymore “merchies” of me? “Michael Eisner:” Everyday, you ask that question and everyday, the answer is no. You’re free, go jam with “The County Bears” or something. Gurgi/Jerk (v/o): Could Gurgi make someone else’s “merchies?” “Michael Eisner:” (Angry) CHARACTERS MUST ONLY MAKE THEIR OWN MERCHANDISE! MY DECSIONS HAVE MADE THIS COMPANY A VICTIM OF ITS PWN SUCCESS AND YOU WILL ALL FOLLOW SUIT! (We hear a crashing sound and see that the cell Elsa was in is empty with a big hole.) DAMN IT, ELSA BANISHED HERSELF, AGAIN! Gurgi/Jerk (v/o): (Sings) Let it go! “Michael Eisner:” SHUT UP! (Then sees) Aurora, don’t use the spinning…! (We hear a poke sound, a crash to the floor, then the sound of Aurora snoring.) Jerk (v/o): Yes, who could forget this diminutive tyrant (Lord Farquaad, nor Michael Eisner). The movie that preached tolerance towards everyone, still had to say, “fuck short people,” for some reason. Then he was eaten by a dragon and the protagonists lived happily ever, right? Opps, you idiots, he’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost now! (Cut tot a clip from “The Lego Movie,” the ghost of Vitruvius wails. We then cut to Jerk in front of “The Revenge of the Mummy” ride.) Jerk: What, you though these characters couldn’t turn into ghosts? You thought death meant something? You actually thought that just because there’s no ghosts in any of these movies, that there’s be no ghosts in any of these movies? (Laughs) You stupid living! Jerk (v/o): Hell, in “Shrek the Third,” they straight up mourned the John Cleese frog-king-thing when he croaked, even though he just turned into a spooky ghost they could still talk to (A John Cleese ghost we see is “Nearly Headless” Nick from Harry Potter). Jerk: Oh and by the way, remember the time they killed the shark from “Jaws?” Oops, ghost shark! Or the time they killed Hitler in “Inglorious Basterds?” Oops, ghost Hitler! Or the time Gaston, basically, killed himself in “Beauty and the Beast?” (Cut to the end of the film where Prince Adam and Belle are dancing, the ghost Gaston moves throughout the scene.) Gaston’s Ghost/Jerk (v/o): (Singing to the music of the song “Gaston” from “Beauty and the Beast.”) No one…Floats likes Ghost-on No one gloats like Ghost-on No one crashes a dance and show boats like Ghost-on Jerk: Or the time… (He is then interrupted by the ghost of Spazz Master.) Spazz Master’s ghost: Excuse me, do you know where they’tre holding Dementor auditions? Jerk: Uh, lower lot, I think. Spazz’s Ghost: Thanks. Jerk: No problem. Or the time…(Realizes) Spazz? Spazz’s Ghost: Yeah? Jerk: Are you a ghost? Spazz’s Ghost: Yeah. Jerk: When the hell did you die? Spazz’s Ghost: Well, there’s some debate about that, actually. Authorities are still investigating… Jerk: You got eaten by Figment (The Dragon), didn’t you? Spazz’s Ghost: He was hungry! You don’t know him like I do! (Frustrated) Shut up! (The 2 are then interrupted by the Ghost of Conspiracy Guy, played by Spazz Master/Charlie Callahan.) Conspiracy Guy’s Ghost: Actually, the prevailing theory is that there was a 2nd dragon on the grassy knoll who ate him backwards through the gassy hole! Jerk: (To Spazz’s Ghost) Even in death, you can’t get rid of Conspiracy Guy? Conspiracy Guy’s Ghost: DEATH IS AN ILLUSION, PERPETRATED BY THE WORLD BANK TO STOP JOHN F. KENNEDY FROM HAVING SEX WITH THE MOON! (The 3 are then interrupted by Kill Bosby aka Ghost Dad, really Jerk in a sweater, wearing sunglasses, holding a cigar, and doing a Bill Cosby impression.) Kill Bosby/Ghost Dad: I believe I can clear all this up! Spazz’s Ghost: Oh dear god! (closes his eyes puts his hand to his face embarrassment.) Jerk: No, no! Just look, Kill Bosby, may I call you Kill? Ghost Dad: Who’s Kill? My name is Ghost Dad and I’m your friendly neighborhood Ghost Dad! Con Guy’s Ghost: Dad? Jerk: Look; I know you’ve served me well in my outtakes specials and that movie that will never come out. But, um, well… Ghost Dad: What? Jerk: Cosby impressions are no longer funny. Ghost Dad: (Beat) Well that is just a fictition of the literal media! They are always blaming me for the actions of my evil twin! Spazz’s Ghost: (To Jerk) Look, we’ll never get rid of them, they’ve both been following me since Limbo. Ghost Dad: How low can you glow! Con Guy’s Ghost: I didn’t even know my dad was sick! Jerk: ALL RIGHT! It goes against my better judgment, but you can all help me review this ride. But, can you please try to keep it PG rated? Ghost Dad: The nicest thing about fucking a goldfish is it’s always wet! Jerk: I envy the dead.(The Ghost of Lord Farquaad is shown on the dungeon cam of the pre-show.) Lord Farquaad’s Ghost: (To us) I’ll be in to torture you later. ALL OF YOU! Jerk (v/o): And the diabolical Farquaad had cunningly disguised his torture chamber as an ordinary generic theater that, (unenthused) that devious mastermind. And torture itself has been equally cunningly disguised as a whimsical 3D movie. (Cut to the 2nd “Spanish Inquisition” sketch from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” Cardinal Biggles, played by Terry Jones, pokes an old woman with soft pillows.) Cardinal Ximénez (Played by Michael Palin): (Yells to the old woman) CONFESS! CONFESS! CONFESS!
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