| abstract | - Todd: Okay, so, this is officially the year of The Weeknd. Clip of "Can't Feel My Face" The Weeknd: She told me, "don't worry about it." Todd: Not like a year where you don't have to go to work, or where weekends are mega-important. No, I mean The Weeknd. [Poster for A Night With XO] The [struggling to pronounce...] Weeknd (pronounced "weakened") Todd: God, that's a stupid stage name for one guy. I'm gonna start calling him The Wee KND. Todd (VO): But anyway, you see this pineapple-haired Canadian here? That's The Weeknd. He sings R&B songs, and he's absolutely huge right now. He's had three Top 10 hits so far this year, one of which is currently sitting at #1. The Weeknd is on fire. [Line timed to match same moment as video] Ha. Todd: Look, this isn't the first time I've encountered The Weeknd. Clip of "Love Me Harder" Todd (VO): You may recall I put an Ariana Grande song with The Weeknd at guest verse on my Top 10 list. Now it only ranked at #10 specifically because I did not like his portion of the song. The Weeknd: So what do I do if I can't figure it out? Ariana: You got to try, try, try Todd (VO): Dude, if Ariana Grande wants to have sex with you... Todd: ...you figure it out. Clip of "Earned It" Todd (VO): He followed that up this year with his first real smash solo hit, "Earned It". The Weeknd: 'Cause, girl, you earned it Todd (VO): Yes indeed, madam. You have worked hard enough to earn my genitals. [Album cover of...] Now, this was off the Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack, and as far as I'm concerned, it fits perfectly 'cause... Todd: ...well, it's sexy to somebody. To a lot of people, apparently...and I don't get it. I just don't get it. Clip of "Wicked Games" Todd (VO): See, the thing is, I was made aware of The Weeknd long before this year. He's actually been very popular in some circles. Not necessarily in the mainstream, but for people in the know. He makes these R&B that are just... Todd: ...just really, really filthy. Clip of Ty Dolla Sign ft. Wiz Khalifa and The Weeknd - "Or Nah" The Weeknd: Pussy so good Had to save that shit for later Todd (VO): And people really like it. The Weeknd has been the music critic world's favorite R&B guy for a few years now. But I've tried, and I've tried, and I just do not understand the appeal. Todd: And there's one big reason for that. I hate his singing. Another clip of "Earned It" The Weeknd: Yeah... Clip of "Often" Todd (VO): That nardless, leaking balloon of a voice he sings in is just unbearable. I would legitimately rather listen to Fetty Wap. Brief clip of "My Way Ft. Drake and Monty" Fetty Wap: Come my way Todd (VO): Fetty Wap sounds like a walrus being punched. Clip of "Earned It" I've never really understood why people sing like this. I know this kind of high-pitched squeal was popular back in the '80s, and it made a comeback in the 2000s, but I don't see why. Do we really need another El DeBarge? Todd: Every time I hear The Weeknd, I think, "wow, this guy [clip of ad for...] needs to upgrade to DirecTV." Peyton Manning: And I'm really-high-voiced Peyton Manning, and I have cable. Todd: What makes it worse is that he makes music that...well, as far as soundtracks for gettin' freaky go, he's got kind of a different take on it. Clip of "Live For" Todd (VO): It isn't smooth loverman stuff like in the '70s, or your more smutty hip-hop stuff like Jason DeRulo or Trey Songz. No, this shit is...dark. Todd: Like, no quiet storm stuff for him. I would describe his music more as...sexy vampire music. Todd (VO): Like, if vampires were into R&B instead of shitty goth rock, this is what they would be into. Todd: So The Weeknd is all like, "I'm dark and cold. I don't care about you or anybody. I'm just a [picture of black wolf] dangerous animal on the prowl. I'm like a [picture of vampire] sexual predator." Okay, maybe that's bad phrasing. At the very least, he's better at it than Adam Levine. Brief clip of Maroon 5 - "Animals" Adam: Aah-oooooohhh! Baby, I'm preying... Todd: Still funny. But yeah, I can't ignore the guy since... Clip of "Tell Your Friends" Todd (VO): ...he's doing so well. And since he has a #1 single right now, I figured I should cover it. It's either that or pretend I care about that "Cheerleader" song at all. Well, let's... Todd: ...get this over with. With his new #1 smash, here is The Weeknd. Video for "Can't Feel My Face" The Weeknd: We both knew we can't go without it She told me you'll never be alone-oh-oh, whoa I can't feel my face when I'm with you But I love it, but I love it, oh [Todd is a little surprised, then gets into it] I can't feel my face when I'm with you But I love it, but I love it, oh I can't feel my face when I'm with you But I love it, but I love it, oh Todd: Okay, fine, actually, this is not so bad. Todd (VO): Yeah, this is...this is kind of all right. I don't actually mind this. Todd: Wow, I don't get the chance to do that many positive reviews. All right, well, let's go back and figure out why this one actually sort of works. The Weeknd: And I know she'll be the death of me, at least we'll both be numb Todd (VO): Okay, first off... [talking away from mic] Wait, what? What, no, no, I'm not. No, this is the #1 hit song by The Weeknd, "Can't Feel My Face". I looked it up! Oh, you've gotta be kidding me! Todd: [sighs] Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been informed that this not actually the song I was supposed to be... Todd (VO): ...reviewing. Apparently, this was last week's #1 The Weeknd song. And while this episode was being set up, that #1 song by The Weeknd got replaced by a new #1 song by The Weeknd. Todd: Christ. You know, I was wondering why that song didn't sound like the [quick flashback to beginning of review] song I was playing in the intro. Yeah, right in the title, too. Pssh. I gotta pay more attention to these things. Okay, so this song is upbeat like the last one, right? Video for "The Hills" The Weeknd: I only call you when it's half past five The only time that... Todd (VO): Yeah, nope. Back to more moody, downbeat songs about doin' it. I mean, this one is called "The Hills". Beverly Hills, I guess, not that I'll ever be able to associate with anything but the snowcapped Canadian tundra. Todd: Well, anyway, let's see how this goes. Video begins, intercut with clips from the cursed video from The Ring Todd: I'm not answering that. The Weeknd: Your man on the road, he doin' promo You said keep our business on the low-low Todd (VO): Oh, good, a cheating song. I guess he's going for an amoral, unlikable, but irresistible sex god thing here. Todd: Maybe he can pull it off. The Weeknd: I'm just tryin' to get you out the friend zone 'Cause you look even better than the photos The Weeknd: I'm just tryin' to get you out the friend zone Todd (VO): What? What? What? Todd: Look, I'm not one of those people who thinks "friend zone" is an inherently offensive concept. I do know that there are some [meme of...] whiny douchebags out there who complain about being friend-zoned, like having friends is the worst thing in the world. But as a neutral term, I think it's pretty useful. I've been friend-zoned, I've put other people in the friend zone, it happens. I'm just saying... Todd (VO): ...if you're trying to be this dick-swinging alpha stud, you should probably not say things like, "we're in the friend zone." That's a term that instantly marks you as a loser, and I say that as a proud loser. The Weeknd: 'Cause you look even better than the photos Todd (VO): Wait a minute, "you look even better than the photos"? Todd: Did you just meet? Todd (VO): How are you in the friend zone? To be in the friend zone, first you have to be friends! Todd: The definition of friend zone isn't "I haven't fucked you yet." [Stops to think about it] Although the way some douchebags use it, maybe it is. The Weeknd: I only call you when it's half past five Todd (VO): So, um...here's the hook, such as it is. The Weeknd: I only love it when you touch me, not feel me When I'm fucked up, that's the real me When I'm fucked up, that's the real me, yeah Todd (VO): Lit and ready to screw. He's into having sex, he ain't into making love, and he only calls you when it's half past five, for some reason. Todd: Come on, dude, what's wrong with a little afternoon delight? I mean, are you... Hey, wait a minute! Is he actually a vampire after all?! [Still image of The Weeknd] You know, some kind of Vampire Weeknd?! That's stupid. The Weeknd: I only call you when it's half past five The only time I'd ever call you mine Todd (VO): Also, I...I thought they hadn't had sex yet. I mean, weren't you in the friend zone or something? But now you're talking about making booty calls like it's a regular thing. Todd: I have no idea what the timeline of this song is. The Weeknd: Imma let you know and keep it simple Tryin' to keep it up don't seem so simple Todd: Did he just say that he can't... nah, I misheard that. The Weeknd: I just fucked two bitches 'fore I saw you You gon' have to do it at my tempo Todd: No, I was not imagining that. Todd (VO): He was actually, literally warning her that he might not be able to get it up. He's already spent, plus he's drunk. Get ready for some intense and... Todd: ...totally not awkward lovemaking, ladies. Todd (VO): I mean, I assume he's drunk; he did crash his car there. I guess he could mean he's high on something else. Helium, maybe. But yeah, I guess it could mean he's on some other drugs. But [clip of...] if "Can't Feel My Face" was fueled by an exhilarating shot of face-numbing cocaine, "The Hills" is a gulp of mind-slowing cough syrup. I can't imagine someone who didn't have a voice like Minnie Mouse pulling this off, but with The Weeknd, it just sounds slow and sleepy and stuporous. Todd: But like I said, someone's into it. Someone likes this guy's voice and want to hear him sing about having sexy Hills sex...or whatever the Hills is supposed to mean, am I right? The Weeknd: Hills have eyes The hills have eyes Todd: What?! The Weeknd: The hills have eyes Todd (VO): "The hills have eyes"?! Do you even know what that is?! It's a [clip of trailer for...] goddamn horror movie, and not one of those PG-13 ones with a bunch of pretty teenagers either! Todd: Man, I was just joking about the spooky horror stuff, but apparently, I was not. Clip from movie Todd (VO): I was not expecting this song to be a tribute to the late Wes Craven, I'll tell you that much. Well, it's not a particularly well-conceived tribute, in any case. Like, there are sexy horror movies, but The Hills Have Eyes is not one of them. Do you even know why the hills have eyes? Todd: Because they're inhabited by inbred, mutant cannibals. [Poster from movie] Is this the image you wanted to invoke? Really? No one wants to think about that. [Clip of "S&M" by...] That's like if Rihanna wrote her song about S&M and started singing about [picture of...] Leatherface! Todd (VO): Okay, even if we ignore that, let's just somehow forget that he just referenced a profoundly un-erotic horror movie. Like, maybe he's using the phrase for atmosphere. But still, you don't want the hills to have eyes! Remember? She's cheating! She wants to keep her business on the low! She wants as few eyes on this as possible, from the hills or from anybody! The Weeknd: Who are you to judge? Todd (VO): I...okay, I'll give you that one, The Weeknd. She does not have any right to judge you, she's the one cheating. Todd: Although, who are you to care? Todd (VO): You present yourself as this "I don't give a fuck" player dude, and all of the sudden, you're awfully defensive. Todd: Yeah, I just fucked two bitches; you're gonna have to go at my tempo...and don't hurt my feelings. Todd (VO): This is just the weirdest goddamn song. You get this dark, menacing vibe, but then you get this guy who sounds like a munchkin, he presents himself as this badass ladies' man, and then he's all whiny, and then he invokes one of the most infamously gritty, ugly grindhouse movies in history. I don't get it. I don't get it, and I don't like it. I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just don't understand what he's going for, but... Todd: ...whatever that is, it is just not working. It's not working for The Weeknd. Heh. [Beat] Yeah, let's end on that. I'm Todd In The Shadows, and I'm out. Video ends The Weeknd: Hills have eyes The hills have eyes Picture of the overturned stool as the song plays in the background R.I.P. Todd's Piano Stool
- They moved quickly now, all attempts at stealth had fallen by the wayside. There were only four of them, they moved in a file up the narrow trail, they had abandoned all pretense at stealth but not yet all caution. They moved quickly, in sync, as men who lived and fought together were wont to do after a time but the gaps between them were never less than ten meters. These hills were crawling with their enemies and so they did not want to present too easy a target. At a signal from the point man they came to a quick halt, each taking what cover they could on the steep trail. The team leader moved up to consult with the point man, feeling terribly exposed on the mountainside with dawn fast approaching. "What's up Griff?" Tomlin, the team leader, whispered. Griff's response was a subtle shake of the head. A bad sign, Griff hadn't survived on point this long without a nose for trouble. Tomlin gave him a minute, knowing they really didn't have the time but knowing better by now than to rush Griff to judgment. Griff gave the signal to wait and took a small 5 meter sprint to a boulder just ahead, he paused there a moment and then pulled himself up the steep mountainside for about ten meters. Tomlin kept his eyes on the trail ahead, Chuckie was covering the rear, and Federev switched from watching the left to the right every ten seconds or so. No one said anything or betrayed any sign of lagging confidence. This small four man recon team had worked together all through Iraq, they had each of them survived by placing their faith in their brothers, now the mountains of Afghanistan rose above and fell below. They'd been running for about six hours now, they'd come under fire as they had been moving toward the Khyber Pass. The mission was not a typical LRRP (Long Range Reconnaissance Patrol), for one their squad had been broken down and deployed as fire teams which for extended jaunts like this one wasn't unheard of but it wasn't necessarily typical either. Each team was taking a different route over the border into Pakistan, they'd link up on the far side, compare notes and then redeploy among the hills in four man teams again. The idea was to cover a lot of ground and hopefully avoid contact all together, there was supposed to be, according to the intel weenies a training camp in their designated patrol area. So they were supposed to find it and tag it for the airdales. Of course everything had to go to shit in a hurry, a whole fucking platoon of Taliban fighters had shown up just as they started their climb, they'd been exposed for just under a minute. It had been unavoidable, there hadn't been anyplace better to hit their chosen trail. It seemed like an hour before the bird-call came, Tomlin answered with a few much less skillfull tweets of his own, recieved a response and turned back down the trail to signal Federev with the mini-glowstick he had under his tongue, Federev clicked over the comm once. Message received and relayed, the comm click would alert Charlie to look back. In a few minutes they had pulled themselves up to join Griff, once everyone was up Griff moved off on a small narrow trail, it rose for about ten meters then doubled back on itself for five more ending in a cave mouth. The wind was whistling out of the cave, which meant an exit or a chimney of some sort but it was hard to tell which it might be. They pooled into the cave mouth and finally started talking a bit more openly over their tactical mikes. All you really had to do was sub-vocalize, the odds of being heard were slim but to a man they could recall their Instructors drilling into them not to trust in the tech so much they couldn't do without it. So in school they hadn't had them to use and so had been forced to come up with novel ways of communicating, even in the dark. Also as a result they were forced to get to know one another, you had to be able to read your teammates body language, be able to pickup on the nuances of each man you fought beside. So if the comm failed it wouldn't matter.
- In "We Love You, Conrad", the Griffin family watched an episode in the Family Guy animation style. Later, Brian started dating Conrad, and he and Stewie were invited to the set. It is revealed that Spencer Pratt is a real ape, as revealed in a discussion with his wife Heidi Montag. Later, in the producers room, it is revealed that The Hills is filled with street sign transition sequences and old clips from The A-Team. Only a small portion of it is the actual show, which in this scene, was shown in live action. Audrina Patridge, Whitney Port, and Brody Jenner also appear.
- Did you ever hear of the tales of women roaming the hillside? Their moans and screams are heard for miles around. They will slowly start to get louder and louder until they just stop, and then what? Well, I finally found out what happens when those screams stop. It all happened the other night. I work at a lumber yard. I don't really cut the lumber, or even work outside for that matter. I just do the mundane office work. We always get a man named James Roberts. He calls us every day at least five times to complain about us cutting logs near his property. After the fifth call, I became fed up with this guy, so I decided to take the rest of the day off. It was already eight o'clock at night anyway and I was the only one at the yard, so it didn't really matter. I got into my car and decided to take my usual way home. I normally take the service road. It is a very fast way home, because there really isn't any traffic. Normally, there is nobody on the road, but tonight was a special night. The road is very far in the woods, so it's pitch black. I remember getting only three miles down the road, but then I started hearing some kind of noise in the distance. It sounded like a female scream; high-pitched and terrified. This gnaws at the back of my skull for a bit, but eventually I get over it. Most of the teenagers here go out in the woods to drink and ride their ATV's around. They don't really mess with us, so I'm not too worried. Once I finally get to my house, I decide to open all the windows to let some cool evening oxygen in. I get settled and make some dinner for myself, a microwave meal. About halfway through my meal, I hear the same screams again. This worries me a bit more, because my house is really far in the woods, and I have never heard the kids scream this close to my house. I look outside my window. When you look out my window, you can see some trees, and then you see hills. The hills are these amazing, beautiful, rolling wonders that seem to go on forever. I can't really see that much outside my window due to it being so dark. I decide to let it go and just sit back and relax. I settle into my seat, grab my laptop, and start doing some work. But then I heard more screams. They were louder. They were more intense, too; they had more emotion to them. I close my laptop quickly and race to my closet. I always keep a small handgun in a narrow opening in my closet wall for protection, so I grab the gun and race to the window. As I was doing so, the screams were getting louder and louder until they sounded like they were not farther away than five hundred feet from the house. I look outside the window and hear a very loud scream. I stepped back from the window, and the scream got so loud it sounded like it was right outside the window, but then it stopped. I slowly pointed my gun at the window, shaking. I slowly took my other hand and started to move the curtain from the window cautiously. What I saw is still ingrained in my head. When I opened the curtain, I saw a woman's bloody face. She had long black hair, and her mouth was very large and wide. It was like an abyss; never-ending, and pitch black. It was an abyss with a rotten smell, that's for sure. Then, she started to bang her head against the window, screaming at the top of her lungs once more. The blood was pouring down her face and she would just stare at me with those blank, empty eyes. I fired a round into her head. That had no apparent effect on her, because she just kept on going. Then she stopped, looking behind her, and resumed her scream. She paused once more. She looked like she was waiting for someone, or something for that matter, to respond. Then another scream came. Then another and another and another. It sounded like there was at least ten of them. Were they trying to sing? No, that was a silly thought. She then looked back at the window and started to scream again. I ran back into my bedroom and pulled out my machete, since the gun had no obvious effect on the screaming nuisance- or terror- either way you put it, she was seriously creepy. I ran back to the living room and the screams were getting louder. When I got back to the window, I saw many of them -- all women -- just banging their heads against my window. I slid my machete through the window, breaking it and going deep in one of their heads. But it wouldn't come out of her head! I knew that was an idiotic move, because they started pouring into my house. I started to fire in wild uncontrolled finger movements. They then grabbed me and started to tear my arms and legs apart. One of them tore my stomach open and took my intestines and started to chew into them. Another took my heart and started to nibble it. Funny, now that I think about it, because all I was thinking was "Damned cannibals!" Another then took the muscle from my body and started to chew them off like they were chicken. Once they tore me to bits and had nothing else to eat, they started to scream again. They shuffled out of my house, still screaming, moving on to their next target. Do you want to know how I'm able to tell you this, even though I was eaten? I have become one of them. We are coming for you. Don't look out your window, or I will kill you. I will rip your heart out and drink the blood from your veins and then start to tear the flesh from the bones of your body. We will always find you, no matter where you hide, where you run. We are always in the hills, watching, waiting. Won't you join us, and feel the glory of blood seeping through your hair?
- Well, if you have ever suffered from having to sit through more then 5 minutes of this garbage (or should we say shit, no wait, garbage fits better... how about shitty fucking garbage crap?), then you know that a Monkey with a stick up his ass to wipe the mud-poop on a piece of paper, could write better shit then this putrid pile of corn infested diarrhea known as "The Hills" We can only guess as to why "The Hills" got the green light to air was people where sick of watching 90210 and getting hammered off their face when they would take a shot every time they saw a "Dr Pepper" logo somewhere on screen. No wait, that kinda sounds like fun... scrap that.
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