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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Periwinkle
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| rdfs:comment | - JerryChives 20:02, November 2, 2011 (UTC) I'll do this but only because I like to judge things by their colour. It'll probably take a month or two so don't hold your breath. . 03:15, November 4, 2011 (UTC)
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| Pcomment | - It’s not too bad; however, there are some glaring spelling mistakes and a few sentences that don’t make sense. For example “Then Hilter killed all of the Nazis that new the secret of periwnikle so that he could be the only one who new this secret.” and ”The color periwinkle though had so many life hazards it was only used by Crazy Rich people like Steve Jobbs that used it to create Apple."
I suggest getting someone you know to read your article out loud. Chances are, if something they say doesn’t make sense or doesn’t flow properly it’ll need some fixing. Try not read your article for a week or so or until you’ve forgotten how it goes and then reread it and try to fix these issues. You could also asked another user nicely if they can proof read your article for you.
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| Icomment | - The periwinkle picture needs to be a lot bigger. This can be done by adding px in between two verticle line thingy's in the image code . The burning dog isn’t really appropriate due to in-jokiness as explained above. The man on fire is funny and the church one is barely acceptable. Your pictures relate to the writing they’re near however, you should put the image code directly beneath your headings. That way, they won’t appear to be in awkward positions and they’ll marry up with the text their supposed to accommodate.
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| Ccomment | - There’s nothing wrong in particular with your choice of subject matter. The main reason it falls flat is there aren’t any actual jokes based on what the article is about: A colour. There are traces of a concept but you need to develop it further. You need to ask yourself the question, “What am I trying to make fun of here? Nazi’s, Athlete’s, Religion, A ludicrously named shade of blue?” Work it out and concentrate on pointing out your humorous observations.
My first reaction to this article was “What the fuck is Periwinkle?” Personally, I feel this could have used to your advantage in sculpting a better concept.For example; you could possibly write about Periwinkle in a mysterious manner, often alluding to its greatness without revealing what it actually is. You could work this into the stuff you’ve already written. Allude to how sports stars such as Barry Bonds use it like a performance enhancing drug; there’s a secret church dedicated to worshipping it; and it how it’s great for degreasing engines and keeping the pesky neighbourhood kids off your front lawn. All the while, the reader has no clue as to what you’re actually talking about. This intrigue and suspense will keep them reading long after you’ve dropped several terrible Nazi jokes on them.
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| Hcomment | - OK, I’ll start off with a little disclaimer. I don’t claim to be funny or even slightly humorous. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even laughed, well, except that one time I pushed my Grandmother down the stairs, but last night was a rare exception. Everybody has a different sense of humour anyway so while some people on the site may moisten their underpants at the thought of an elderly woman being violently pushed down a flight of stairs, others may whine about how much of an arsehole you are. That said, what I’ll try and do is give you some advice on how to bring out your own particular brand of funny. Also, keep in mind that the reason to get a pee review is to get some advice on how to improve an article so don’t get pissed when I criticize your work instead of lavishing praise on you.
First Impressions
I have to admit; on my first read through this I didn’t wet my pants with laughter. The reason for this is the jokes are completely unrelated to periwinkle. It mainly consists of memes and Uncyc in-jokery; which have well and truly been done to death. And by death I mean every time someone reads an unrelated Hitler joke or kitten huffing reference; a small kidnapped child is murdered in Brazil.
Intro
This is quite short and I didn’t even realize you wrote one until the second read-through. You can cheat and make it seem longer by increasing the size of the picture next to it or you can elaborate more on periwinkles greatness to fatten it out a bit.
Quotes
I’d lose the captain obvious and Oscar Wilde quotes. The others were quite random yet funny as at least four million other people haven’t done the same thing. I actually quite liked the Barry Bonds reference for some reason.
History
This, in my opinion is the worst section of the article. It’s just too random and reuses many old jokes and references. I suggest you do a little bit of research on periwinkle and come up with a history that parallels its real life history spliced with jokes relating back to your main concept which is explained in greater detail lower.
Rediscovery
Has potential but suffers from the same reasons as above.
Sports
I liked the joke about player’s using periwinkle as a performance enhancing drug. You could develop this idea further though, you could also write a whole article on periwinkle being used as a drug. Once again, you need to elaborate. How did periwinkle increase Barry Bonds performance? Why and how did people spontaneously combust? And so on.
Church
There are a few good jokes in here but they fall a bit flat. I can’t be arsed going into great detail as to why so I’ll point you in the direction of HTBFANJS. Read it and then read it again, it’s got some good tips for beginners. I also suggest checking out some featured articles, find ones you like, study what you find funny about them, and then copy all their jokes. Well, maybe not copy their jokes, but try to emulate the style and delivery of the article with your own material.
Things
List’s are generally frowned upon here but this one’s OK as long as you don’t add any more to it. I liked how a few of them reinforce some earlier jokes such as Bieber’s panties, the not Muslims one and everything that is awesome ones but the rest are fairly random and useless.
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| Fcomment | - This needs a lot of work and I don't mean that in a bad way. Consider this a first draft. Come up with a solid concept and some jokes relating to that concept and then cram them in while doing a rewrite. I think there’s a good article to be made here, you just need to tap into your own sense of humour instead of just copying shitty memes. Let me know on my talk page if you’d like any more help with spell checking or proofreading or if you’re having trouble putting your pants on the right way.
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| abstract | - JerryChives 20:02, November 2, 2011 (UTC) I'll do this but only because I like to judge things by their colour. It'll probably take a month or two so don't hold your breath. . 03:15, November 4, 2011 (UTC)
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