• Quagmire and Meg/Quotes
Prev Ep
  • Grumpy Old Man
Next Ep
  • The Blind Side
  • :Peter: Hey, Quagmire, what's going on? :Quagmire: Well, Peter, a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday. [a hummingbird appears] :Hummingbird: You give me credit? :Quagmire: Yeah, I just told him. :Hummingbird: [to Peter] I'm the one who told him. ---- :Quagmire: So, where is the birthday girl? :Meg: Oh, hi, Mr. Quagmire. :Quagmire: Oh, please. My father is Mr. Quagmi... Oh no, he's not, okay, well, that's... well, he used to be Mr. Quagmire, now he' he's just Ida Davis. ---- :Meg: [holds a candle] Wow, thank you, Mr. Quagmire. :Quagmire: Well, it's your 18th birthday, Meg. That's a very important milestone in a young girl's...I mean, a young woman's life. Hey, welcome to the adult club, huh? And you know what? You got another member right next door if you ever wanna talk and stuff. Happy birthday. [pats Meg's left leg. His little finger wiggles] Hey...hey, where's that pinkie goin', huh? Where's he goin'? What...what's he doin'? Get back here. There you go. [Meg smiles then looks at Quagmire] :Peter: Heh-heh! Look at Quagmire hitting on that skank. You know he's gonna close the deal. :Brian: Peter, that skank is your daughter. :Peter: Oh my God, you're right! :Quagmire: Y'know, Meg, I'd love to see without your hat on. [lifts pink beanie. A green hand emerges from her scalp, pulls beanie down] Okay. ---- :Stewie: Don't worry, Dad, I'll take care of him! [punches Quagmire's legs] Stay away from my sis! ---- :Peter: Lois, you outta your mind?! We can't let Quagmire take Meg out on a date, that guy'll bang anything! :[cutaway to kitchen] :Peter: Hey Lois, I'm starvin', what's for dinner? :Lois: I made meatloaf, it's in the fridge. [Peter opens fridge. Quagmire appears in an quarky position] :Quagmire: Hey... Peter, ya mind? :Peter: But I have to get dinner. :Quagmire: [throws handful of banknotes] Go out. ---- :[FARTING] :Meg: Sorry. I'm farting while you tickling me. :Quagmire: That's all right, it's just your body. Sometimes things slip out. ---- :Lois: We're never gonna get up there. I wonder what's causin' all this traffic. :Peter: [looks out the car window] Oh boy, there's the problem...not drawn yet. [cut to an image of a partially colored, partially penciled road. Peter yells at the lazy animators] Come on, guys, really? Let's go! What the hell's goin' on up there?! ---- :Quagmire: Okay, what compound is this? :Meg: That's sodium chloride. :Quagmire: That's right. How about this one? :Meg: Hydrogen peroxide. :Quagmire: God, you're so smart! How 'bout this one? :Meg: QM2? I'm not sure what that is. :Quagmire: It's Quagmegium. It's the strongest compound on Earth; nothing can separate it. It has an atomic weight of awesome. :Meg: You're such a cutie petuti. :Quagmire: If I'm a cutie petuti, then you're a penie vagini. :Meg: Aww! [Peter kicks Meg's door with a hose] :Peter: I heard a cute "aww" in there, cool down! ---- :Peter: Meg, get in the car! We're going home! :Meg: I'm not going home. I'm 18, and you can't tell me what to do anymore! :Peter: Meg, I'm only gonna say this once. You may be an adult, but you're still my daughter, and it's my job to protect you from errant wieners! So I don't care how old you are, you're gonna do what I say, and get in the damn car! :Meg: Yes, Daddy. [Walks away, sadly, Peter fallows, Lois walks up to Quagmire] :Lois: If you ever touch my daughter again, I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian. :Quagmire: Okay. :Lois: And Peter and I get this cabin for one weekend a month, do you understand me?! :Quagmire: Yes ma'am. :Lois: Peter I got us the cabin!! :Peter: Yay!! :Lois: [Back to Quagmire] I don't want to see your face knocking on our door for at least a month! :Quagmire: Would you sign the guestbook on your way out? :Lois: [sigh angrily and writes] Lois Griffin. Peter Griffin. We heard a loon.
  • Quagmire and Meg