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  • Battle of the Planets (Transcript)
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  • Red: Welcome, planetary conversion team! (cuts to the ship with purple and red standing on a platform). Welcome to Blorch, the latest addition to the Irken Empire and most importantly the first planet to fall victim to our latest effort at universal conquest: Operation Impending Doom II!! (cheering is heard from the vast assembly of enthusiastic Irkens below) Random Irken: Almighty Tallests rock!! Red: Now, we erase the remaining organics (Red and Purple move closer to the railing of their platform) on Blorch, paving the way for... I dunno, maybe a... parking structure planet? Dib: AW, MAN!
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  • Red: Welcome, planetary conversion team! (cuts to the ship with purple and red standing on a platform). Welcome to Blorch, the latest addition to the Irken Empire and most importantly the first planet to fall victim to our latest effort at universal conquest: Operation Impending Doom II!! (cheering is heard from the vast assembly of enthusiastic Irkens below) Random Irken: Almighty Tallests rock!! Red: Now, we erase the remaining organics (Red and Purple move closer to the railing of their platform) on Blorch, paving the way for... I dunno, maybe a... parking structure planet? Purple (raises his hands): YEAH! PARKING STRUCTURE PLANET! (cheering is heard again) Red: But first, we'd like to acknowledge the contributions of one very special soldier, without whom this victory - and those surely to come - wouldn't be possible! (cuts back to Purple) Purple: Invader Zim! (the Planetary Conversion Team members begin cheering wildly a third time, but go quiet as Red starts talking again.) Red: You see, if Zim hadn't been exiled to the far reaches of the galaxy, he would be here, with us, RUINING EVERYTHING! Purple: And we all remember how he messed up Operation Impending Doom I! Am I right? Random Irken: I don't! Purple: Seize that guy! And uh... throw him out the airlock! (two guys with jet packs come flying up and head for the source of the "I don't". A long, protracted scream is heard from the perceived offender as the two guard fulfill their order. Purple and Red watch on in contentment.) Purple: That was the wrong guy, but... that's okay! I think everyone gets the point, hm? Red: So let's give a big cheer for... Invader Zim, for being SO far away! (everyone cheers for ZIM) Another random Irken (clearly missing the point): Invader Zim ROCKS! Red: Quiet everybody, quiet! (chuckles) We have a little surprise for you: It looks like we're getting a report from ZIM right now! Transfer to the main view screen! Zim: Well, thank you! How very well deserved of me! Invader Zim reporting in, sirs. (salutes) Red: Yes... Greetings, Zim! Keeping busy, it looks like; doing us proud! Zim: "Thank you, thank you. Yes, yes I am. I'm in a bear suit! (everyone cheers for bear-suit ZIM.) Please, enough! Following Invader Protocol, I've sent probes out to the surrounding planets to check them for potential use." Red: Uh-huh... (like yes, go on in case you can't pronounce that) Zim: Scans from a planet named "Mars" are intriguing. You can expect a full report when I have more information. Purple (trying hard, along with Red, to keep themselves from laughing): Thank you... Invader Zim! Without your efforts out there, the (stops to laugh) entire operation would... (they stop and burst out laughing) surely crumble! (keep laughing deliriously) Zim (oblivious to their laughing) Yes. Yes it would. Red: Let's hear it for Zim! Purple (touching his head in contempt): Idiot. ZIM: TRUULY I am AMAZIIING! (removes hood of bear suit) How can they NOT cheer the very site of my progress? Zim: Still, I am becoming IMPATIENT with my incredibly subtle infiltration of this planet, and am growing ever hungrier to be the destruction of the humans - DESTRUCTION IS NICE! Data transmitter thing: (beeps a few times) All ranged space probes have returned. Zim: Excellent timing! Begin data download. Data Transmitter: Accessing data from Mars Probes. (A small screen is shown on the left of Zim, showing one of the probes) After the last probe is shown, zooms out to the outer part of the ship and the processing begins, the ship transforms and connects to a stub thing. More transforming and then you see a reflection of ZIM, along with another ship, like the ones in the beginning. Gets electrified and electricity bolts come out. ZIM: Some of this landscape looks unnatural... as though nature was not involved in its formation. But the sensors show no life forms. Whatever wiped out these "Mars-oids" (does air-quotes) must have truly been incredible. Zim: ... Incredible enough maybe to assist in my annihilation of the humans? . Z ... GIR! ZIM: Offscreen- "GIR! Meet me in the lodge hanger!" GIR: (puts down cup and has a cupcake mustache) I gotta go pig . I'll see ya later! Pig just blinks and sits there and makes a squeak sound. Flashes back to GIR. GIR gets on the table and breaks dishes and says in a crazier tone: "I gotta go pig! I'll see you later!" (he goes into duty mode and speeds, causing a fire and sets the pig on fire. Pig looks in horror as it is on fire.) Goes back to ZIM, and GIR floats down in normal robot form and sits by ZIM. ZIM: "We're going to MARS!" GIR: (squeaks with excitement) GIR: Are we there yet?! Dib: (talking to Agent Darkbootie, The Swollen Eyeball Network.) The camera stations have been there for years, Agent Darkbootie. But when they didn't find any life after the first week NASAplace gave up on them. But I haven't. Look what I found. (shows a picture to Darkbootie.) This is what one of the camera (shows a Mars Probe seen in the beginning, NOT the Irken data thing.) stations looks like. (he keeps showing pictures of things that ZIM's camera thing captured pictures of.) This one was taken a couple of nights ago (shows the Irken probe) Look up here. (points to the Irken Ship.) NASAplace says this is a thumbprint. (zooms out) That is no thumbprint! Agent Darkbootie: Hmm... You've done well, Agent Mothman. But the Swollen Eyeball needs conclusions of evidence before finding anything that is confirmed alien activity. Let me know if you find more. (looks towards the audience) Darkbootie- out." (screen goes blank and Dib walks away from the computer and compares a picture of the moon (purple) and the normal moon. ZIM: Get off my head, GIR. I have a good feeling about this lead (GIR is getting off of ZIM's head and onto the ground to sleep.) I can almost taste the humans being destroyed. It's DELICIOUS! This 'Mars' holds the key - I just know it! New words of praise will have to be invented so they can pre- GET OFF MY HEAD! (GIR was on Zim's head again) The taste of impending human annihilation grows stronger in my 'amazing' head. (makes a small, quick, munching sound with his teeth, as if to say something is delicious. GIR tries to copy him, but he doesn't do it right. Cuts to Mars and shows ZIM and GIR landing their ship on Mars. They halt and GIR goes flying out of the ship. ZIM comes out normally with protective gear on when he walks around. He presses a button on his neck and it makes a bubble-like helmet go around his head, which then goes invisible. He looks around Mars and sees his ship, pyramids, land formations and GIR flying and messing around. ZIM: "Now, lets find out what destroyed the people who built this ugly thing." (GIR crashes into one of the Mars Probes that Dib got a picture of. GIR lands right in front of the camera. GIR: "Awww! It's broken!" Gir fixes the camera while ZIM is climbing up the Mars monument. It zooms out and shows the top of the mountain-like formation, and shows ZIM being almost to the top. Cuts back to Earth and to Dib's house. Dib: "Dad! As a man of science you at least have to admit that this picture shows something freaky and of some spooky alien origin." Professor Membrane: "I'll say it again. Those stations haven't been monitored for 1 simple reason: (zooms into Prof. Membrane) There ARE no aliens. None able to travel to massive distance to our planet anyhow. You've been watching those transmissions since you were a baby with an ENORMOUS head. (shows how big he means) It's time to move on, son. REAL science. Try it." (grabs a mini puppet of himself and holds it for Dib to see). Dib walks back to his own bedroom and turns on his computer and checks the cameras. 3/4 of the images are working right, the 4th is buzzy, black and white. Dib sits for a while and then GIR's face appeared on the fourth screen before going back to fuzzy. Dib: "What was that?" Presses button that switches to the screen with GIR on it. GIR: It's me! Oh yeah! (shakes rear end) WOO! ZIM (off-screen) GIR! Come here! GIR moves camera over to ZIM, standing on a Mars rock. Dib: AW, MAN! ZIM: This is pointless, GIR! This planet's a ROCK! A useless wasteland. Ooh. Whoever they were they left no sign of what wiped them out. They just left these stupid structures here to taunt me. I HATE THEM! And I hope they d- (kicks skeleton) Huh, oh yeah. GIR: I can see up his nose! ZIM: This means more time on earth (chucks skeleton down to the rocky land, which explodes.) with a stench of humanity. Filthy Humans! (stomps angrily) Ringing sound is heard: ZIM: WHAT IS THAT SOUND??? Planet starts shaking, rock opens up and the gaps shine light out of the cracks. GIR hops in a crack. Zim: GIR! Zim: Ugh! Dib: DAD! Gaz! Come see this! Membrane: Please! No more foolishness, son! Gaz: Your voice is stupid! Cuts back to Mars, where a giant glow is seen from a distance with dust clouds everywhere. GIR falls off a pole thing with spears/weapons on top of a binocular-shaped pillar. GIR hops off and a clinking medal sound from him is heard. ZIM walks over and they both look up. Zim: HUH! (gasps in horror) Green holographic image: Welcome pilot! How ya doin'? ZIM: Who are you! What is all this? Green holographic image: (in a robotic electronic voice) I am all that is left of my people, an interactive instruction manual for the incredible vessel YOU are now affilament. ZIM (puzzled) Your people were instruction manuals? Green holographic image: no, no—huh? ZIM: Vessel? This thing's a ship? Green holographic image: My people work themselves into extinction converting our planet into a navigall space vessel. Using similar technology tested and proven on another, nearby planet. ZIM: What other planet? Green holographic image: That's not important right now. Dib: Another planet? ZIM: Why would you do all that? Green holographic image: Because it's cool. (starts smiling) ZIM: (starts to talk, but GIR cuts him off.) GIR: Mm-hmm. GIR: AAAH! Almighty Tallest Red: The Invader behind this important first victory is... Uhhh... Red: Invader... Skoodge? (looks at Purple saying Skoodge.) Red (whispering): Ah, this can't be right! That can NOT be the poster boy for IRKEN galactic conquest! He's so... short! Purple: And ugly! I mean, look at him! Skoodge: Greetings, my tallest! As the invader responsible for this planet's downfall, I get to launch traditional cannon sweep. Right? Red: Um... Yeah. Uh- Skoodge: So that no Irken food has to come into contact with any unsafe or alien filth! Who-ah! (makes farting noise) Red: Um, yeah. Well, there's a NEW tradition now! Purple: Man, you're ugly! Skoodge: AND short! (looking proud) Red: The new tradition is that you get to BE launched as part of the cannon sweep! Purple: That's right. In you go! Red: Commence Organic Sweep! Skoodge: AAAHHH!!!! Purple: You! (pointing at random Irken) Your name is now Skoodge, conqueror of Blorch. Purple: ;;(while laughing) Rem- Remember the time ZIM called us, (laughs) and he was--- (stops to break down) he was covered from head to foot in meat? (still breaking down laughing) Red: (laughs) yeah, the meat ended up fusing to his flesh and (heh) and he almost went blind when it invaded his eye sockets!? (breaking down laughing and pulls his eyelids down imitating ZIM.) Both: (laughing) Red: Meat! Red: Meat!!! Red: Oh, it's Zim, it's him. Hold on hold on. Shh! Stop it! (keep laughing) Zim: Greetings, Tallests! I bring more evidence of my unbelievable skills. Purple: (choking while laughing) More evidence! Zim: Yes! I've made an exciting discovery: The planet Mars is actually a giant spaceship (shows drawings) built by floating heads. I am going to fly it to Earth (drawing of ZIM on Mars going to Earth and smashing it) where I will roll it around on the surface, squishing all the Earth life and leaving it free for us to conquer (Purple's eyes are watering and his lip is quivering, looking as if he might explode of laughter) without resistance! Zim: Prepare the fleets, for I will be firing the first falling of Earth's organic sweep TOMORROW! Invader ZIM- signing off! (salutes as he signs off) Dib: I have to stop him!!!!! Prof. Membrane: Where are you going at this hour? Dib: Oh, you know... Professor Membrane's puppet: To save the Earth? Dib: Yes. (in an annoyed, embarrassed way) Bolts out the door. Professor Membrane: My poor, insane son. (shakes his head and looks at his puppet.) Dib: Dooropenoritstheendoftheworldweregonnadurr--- (he babbles so you can't tell what he just said.) Guard sticking his head out a window: Was that the uh... The other guard: Mm-hmm. (nods) First guard: ...Crazy UFO kid? Other guard: Yep. 2nd half NASAplace worker: (spills coffee on his shirt when he sees Dib) Oh, no... DIB. Dib: I know what you're gonna say, but you have to believe me this time! Mars is a giant spaceship and it's being piloted by an alien— NASAplace Worker: Is this that... Zig you always talk about? Dib: ZIM! He's activated the face on Mars and now he's flying the whole planet like some horrible- WOW, this sounds REALLY STUPID. Doesn't it? Dib: Anyhow, the floating head said that there was another (shows the janitor's TOP SECRET iNASAPLACE! TRASH thing) planet, and that they modified it with giant engines. We have to find out which one! (janitor guy listens, narrowing his eyes as Dib talks) Nasaplace Worker: Alright, let me get this straight.... (spills coffee on Dib, who cringes and steps back) He's flying... eh. uh... (spills ALL his coffee on the floor out of his heart mug) What's he flying? Dib: (pointing) There! Look! You can see him on the Martian camera feeds! Guard: Sorry, kid. Since they got the funding we're not even allowed to look at the camera feeds. Different NASAplace guy: (alarm goes off) WHOA!!! It's ooh, uhh, uh, I think it's an asteroid! It's HUGE! (does a hand motion for the word "huge") Uh, and it's heading straight for us!!! Dib: It's ZIM! Just look at the screens! NASAplace Worker: (idly spills even more coffee all over himself) Okay, do we have to go through the whole "funding" thing again? Zim: People of Earth, prepare to taste the mighty foot of my planet! (laughs like a maniac as Mars speeds ever closer to Earth) Purple: I'm ZIM! (smashes Earth ball with Mars ball) I'm squishing out all life! (they both start laughing) Dib (crashes into the janitor) Wha? Janitor: I believe you. I think I can help you. (pointing at Dib's not-so-big head) Dib: What're you gonna do? CLEAN me? Janitor: The other planet you mentioned, the one you said was also fitted with the giant engines? It can only be MERCURY! (digs something out of his pocket and looks at it. But before he looks around to see if anyone is watching. It's a map. Shows Dib) There! The BUTT on Mercury! (pointing to the butt on Mercury) Unless there are known structures on the face on Mars, one just as mysterious. DIB: Yes. That's it! Now how do I get to the butt? Dib: What is it? Janitor: It's an old monkey ship from back in the days when they used to shoot monkeys into space. Janitor: Ahh... you can still smell the monkey. Dib: Does it still work? Janitor: (does hand motions and Dib looks downwards) I've done all the repairs myself. Dib: Why would you help me?? NOBODY ever helps me! Janitor: Let's just say... my eyes are swollen. Dib (realizing): Agent... Darkbootie??? Zim: This is taking too long! I told the Tallest to bring the fleet tomorrow! At this rate we won't be done with our destroying by then! There must be some boosters... Ah, here! (finds one that looks like a cupcake, with a trapezoid bottom and waves at the top; he presses it and the action happens) Hold onto something, GIR! Dib: (heard yelling) Zim: That sounded like- NO, it couldn't be. (they continue laughing) Man: We're all doomed. Doomed! Man: Hey! We're all doomed, remember?! Zim: Now... slowing to SQUISHING speed! Courtney Lily: Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, oh, no, no! No!! Dib: Not while I'm around, Zim! Don't tell me you actually thought you'd WIN this! Zim: Oh, you horrible interfering Dib! Zim: Taste the mighty doom of my moons! Zim: You shouldn't have interfered with a superior force, Dib. You'd have been better off just staying on your planet and getting squished just like everybody else. Dib: Well, you shouldn't have bothered coming to Earth, because I'll stop you at every turn. Zim: GIR, go take care of the Earth-boy. GIR: What's this do? What's that do? Dib: No! Aaah! Zim: Maybe that little robot isn't such a bad evil minion after all. GIR: What's that dooo? What's this do? What's it do? What's it do?! Dib: Hey! Go away. GIR: (beat) Okey-dokey! Zim: Let's see if you have the piloting skills to maneuver through the asteroid belt, feeble Dib thing! Dib: That's just stupid. Zim: Look at that cowardly human! We'll see who's stupid when... Dib: You might as well return to your home planet, Zim. I've recorded this whole thing; irrefutable proof of your existence. There's no way you can... Dib: That little robot! He took my cameras! No!! Purple: It's Zim. Are you ready for this? Red: I just started breathing from the last one. Zim: Mission accomplished, my Tallest. I have rid the solar system of planet Mars. Purple: I thought you were trying to destroy the Earth. Zim (nervously): Oh yes, that. You heard wrong. This time I was trying get rid of Mars. You know, just a little warm-up before I destroy the humans. Yeah, see, I'll do Earth next. I'm an unstoppable death machine, you know. Well, Invader Zim, signing off. Purple: Unstoppable death machine! Did he say, "unstoppable death machine"? Red: He needs a little warm-up! Purple: A warm-up, a warm-up. Oh, please. Please, did he say, "unstoppable death machine?"