| rdfs:comment | - There is no known record of the location of Harwood's birth, but most scholars speculate that she was born sometime during Jesus' reign of the Northern regions of Guatemala. She was conceived in a night of drunken, painful orgy's in which her mother had sex with the entire population of Lisborne, any member of which could be the father. Raised in a dirty, animal-filled shack, where she was forced to clean up from the age of three weeks, Harwood quickly adopted the role of all women of her time. Unbeknownst to her senile, unattractive mother, but Harwood began harbouring a deep resentment towards all men, a personality trait that more than ensured a one-way ticket to the fiery depths of Hell, condemned to eternal damnation.
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| abstract | - There is no known record of the location of Harwood's birth, but most scholars speculate that she was born sometime during Jesus' reign of the Northern regions of Guatemala. She was conceived in a night of drunken, painful orgy's in which her mother had sex with the entire population of Lisborne, any member of which could be the father. Raised in a dirty, animal-filled shack, where she was forced to clean up from the age of three weeks, Harwood quickly adopted the role of all women of her time. Unbeknownst to her senile, unattractive mother, but Harwood began harbouring a deep resentment towards all men, a personality trait that more than ensured a one-way ticket to the fiery depths of Hell, condemned to eternal damnation. When she was 26, her mother enrolled her in the Charlie Sheen School for People who Really Shouldn't Bother Trying to Learn (CSSPRSBTL). It was here that Harwood excelled in the areas of literature and science, proving herself a great intellectual mind. Unfortunately, she achieved substantially less in the mandatory classes of bed making and obeying your husband beyond physical limitation, and she failed. Doomed to a life of selling her body on the streets to unclean, smelly men, Harwood's life finally began to pick up. It was at this time, somewhere in the middle of the 2nd century, that a young man by the name of Thelonius R. Teabinklestilteskin (Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin for short) found Harwood laying in a pram in the foetal position in the middle of a public park. Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin then took her home, cleaned her up, and chained her to the radiator in his basement. It was here, in the damp, dark, putrid confines of his flat, that Harwood's poetic personality came to life. Discovering a newfound sense of accomplishment, Harwood broke free of her constraints in a bout of superhuman strength, and beat Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin to death with a nearby VHS copy of Ernest Saves Christmas, 1,546 years after her capture. By now, Thelonius R. Teabinkelstilteskin was obviously nothing more than a pile of bones, but the inspiration she gained from beating an inanimate object with another inanimate object further enhanced her poetic prowess. Now at the age of 1, 597, Harwood was unable to gain any form of work, most likely because of her horribly disfigured body. Forced into reclusion, she continued writing poetry, which she continued to until she died at the ripe old age of 6 billion. She died following complications from an accident caused when she tried to plug her waffle iron into the local power plant's state-wide transformer.
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