| abstract | - (We start off with a parody of the narration heard in the introduction for “Conan the Barbarian” with NC speaking like Mako and the camera panning down from the top of the film’s movie poster and revealing the head of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character replaced with that of Conan O’Brien instead) NC (voiceover): (speaks like Mako) Before the time when Conan was known as a great warrior who battled the executive douchebags by leaving The Tonight Show so its glorious legacy could be preserved—P.S. you got balls (the caption “You Got Balls” is shown briefly)—(the fake image drops down before we get the actual movie poster with a “Ding!”) there was another Conan played by then-relative newcomer Arnold Schwarzenegger! NC: (still as Mako) I am the Nostalgia Critic, doing a parody of the great and powerful Mako…(Cue the “I cherish Mako” running joke)…who stars alongside Arnold in these films. It is a time of high adventure, swords and sorcery, and GREAT epic silliness! This is the Conan movies! (The title screens for the two films are shown, followed by a montage of clips from the first film) NC (voiceover): (still as Mako) Large in scale, small in intelligence, the Conan movies were based off of the great stories written by Robert E. Howard. (Beat) But from what I understand they have almost nothing to do with these movies, so we will instead look at the films themselves! NC: (still as Mako) They are films before one-liners, before great explosions, and before dental work could fix that great big gap in between your teeth! (A shot of Arnold revealing his teeth with said gap is shown) Prepare yourselves for phenomenal goofiness! NC (voiceover): (resumes talking normally) OK, I’m not gonna do that impression the whole time, but we are gonna take a look at these movies, and our first film “Conan the Barbarian” starts off, oddly enough, with a Friedrich Nietzsche quote. (“That which does not kill us makes us stronger –Friedrich Nietzsche” is shown) Well, give them credit. I’m certainly gonna be telling myself that while watching this movie. Akiro: Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis— NC: Made that joke already. Next. NC (voiceover): So we start off with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a little child. Baby (from Junior): MAMA!!! NC: NO! Not that child! NC (voiceover): As his father gives him some helpful advice. Conan’s Father: No one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. (He points to a sword he’s holding) This you can trust. NC (voiceover): Yeah, how about if your village is attacked by savage killers who outnumber you greatly and are so blood-hungry that even their dogs are dressed up in armor? I think your trusty sword wouldn’t do much there, would it? Maybe you should’ve considered their strength in numbers strategy. (The savage killers continue slaughtering the villagers on their horses) Knights Who Say “Ni!” Leader (from “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”): (audio) We are the knights who say…”Ni!” (Other knights from that movie are heard going “Ni!” repeatedly) NC (voiceover): So as Conan’s father is killed and the knights play Whack-A-Villager, his smoking hot mother tries to protect him from the evil James Earl Jones. (Conan’s Mother raises her sword and is ready to strike, but she stops to stare at Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) for a while, and he stares back; she slowly starts to drop her sword down) NC (voiceover): (as Conan’s Mother) Well, gee, when you put it like that. (normal) So it looks like he’s gonna leave her alone and let her fight another day—PSYCHE! Heil Hitler! (Doom quickly turns to use his sword to decapitate Conan’s Mother, who is holding Conan by the hand; her body drops sideways to the snowy ground; Conan turns his head) (as Doom) Yes, I enjoyed taking a long time killing that person for no particular reason. I sure hope her son doesn’t build up a vengeful rage and dedicate his life to destroying me while also working out his gigantically large pectoral muscles. (chuckles) Knock on wood. (normal) So all the children from the village are forced into labor, which is strange, because the men and women would obviously be much stronger and more valuable, but what do I know? Maybe they work for less. And where exactly do they take these children? Audience: (Accompanying text appears onscreen a la “Wheel of Fortune”) Wheel…of…Torture! NC (voiceover): (as a game show announcer) Yes, Conan, you will be spending the rest of your life pushing this wheel! Years and years of tortuous mayhem will go by as you’ll be asking yourself, “Why am I pushing this wheel?” You will never get an answer to this question; however, it does seem that your muscles spontaneously quadruple in size, all from pushing this pointless but also lovely wheel! (normal) So Conan grows bigger and strong as he literally spends several decades pushing this damn thing. (Beat) Do you think he enjoys it by now? I mean, good Lord, a lifetime of doing nothing but working out? What does that do to a guy? Arnold Schwarzenegger (from the documentary “Pumping Iron”): It’s as satisfying to me as, uh, cumming is, you know? As, uh, having sex with a woman and cumming. I am, like, uh, getting the feeling of cumming in a gym, I’m getting the feeling of cumming at home, (NC grimaces at what he’s watching) I’m getting the feeling of cumming backstage when I pump up, so I am cumming day and night. I mean, it’s terrific, right? (laughs) NC: (grimaces, trying to find the words) …Good for you. (The movie poster is shown again, but with a fake title that is spoken by an announcer) NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) “Conan the Cummer…Ew.” (Back to the movie) NC (voiceover): As the rest of the wheel pushers seem to disappear, somebody finally comes to get him. (A bearded man on a horse comes up to the wheel) NC (voiceover): (as the bearded man) No, no, I said give the children candy, not have them push a gigantic wheel in a circle continually for the rest of their lives! (beat) How…how did you even hear that? (Conan is set free from the wheel and goes with the man, who becomes Conan’s Master) Master: Sit here. NC (voiceover): (as Conan) “Push wheel.” Master: Sit here. NC (voiceover): (as Conan) “Push wheel?” Look, all I understand is wheels. Please, do you have a wheel? May I push it? (normal) So Conan, I suppose, is bought and forced into fighting for money, and I guess all that wheel-pushing paid off, because even though he’s never had any combat training, he’s apparently a really good fighter, and he’s winning event after event. Akiro: (narrating) He was taken to the east, a great prize. Language and writing were made available. NC (voiceover): (as Conan, who is reading a scroll) Hmm, “How to Speak with an Austrian Accent.” This scroll is very informative. (normal) A little over time, Conan becomes angrier and angrier, and I guess his master is afraid that he might have created a monster. Mongol General: Conan! What is best in life? Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. (Other warriors around him cheer in agreement) Mongol General: That is good. NC: (sits camera left as Mongol General) Very good, Conan. You get a gold star. (He pretends to hand something to NC Conan who sits camera right and takes the “star”) Thank you, sir. May I have a wheel now? (as Mongol General) Will you shut up about the wheel?! (NC Conan cowers in fear) NC (voiceover): So his Master sets him free to wander aimlessly as he comes across some sort of burial site. (In the burial site, there are skeletons standing in chambers and even a skeleton king sitting on a throne) Aw, great, he’s in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Conan: (recognizes the king skeleton) Crom. NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, Crom. Crom, I suppose, is a warrior god who helped discover the invention of steel, and is also the winner of the “God with the Stupidest Name” competition! (Conan carefully takes the sword off of Crom’s skeleton) So after he grave-robs beloved Crom, he comes across a woman in the middle of the hills, as it appears she may have some information on the man who killed his family. Witch: (whispers) One who would crush the snakes of the earth. Conan: Snakes? Did you say snakes? Indiana Jones (from “Raiders of the Lost Ark”): Why did it have to be snakes? Witch: (whispers) What is it that you seek? Conan: A symbol…part of a shield. Two snakes coming together. Arnold Schwarzenegger (from “Pumping Iron”): Cumming in the gym, I’m getting the feeling of cumming at home… NC: OK, knock it off! NC (voiceover): But in order to find the treacherous villain, he needs some directions. Unfortunately, she tells him that there’s a horrible price to pay: bonking the living shit out of her. Oh, the horror! Witch: (while having sex with Conan) Crossroads of the world. You will find what you want. NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Wow! How come more men don’t ask for directions? This is wonderful! (While they both continue having sex, the lighting changes to a dark blue, and the witch’s eyes and teeth change into something demonic) Oh, no, she’s pulling me into “Avatar”! The visuals will be stunning, but the story will be absolute bullshit! (Conan throws the witch into the fire, and she wails and screams before escaping as a fireball-like spirit (causing some of her hanging items to fall) and leaves her dwelling to disappear into the wilderness) NC (voiceover): ‘K. So after that, he comes across a thief named Subotai, who says he can help find James Earl Jones by traveling across the land. (As Conan and Subotai travel across the land, we hear the triumphant theme music from “The Lord of the Rings”) NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Behold, we have reached Jerusalem! Wait, what? (normal) So they go into a few towns, get drunk, he (Conan) beats up a camel—that’s nice—and they even come across another thief who joins them on their quest. (Valeria strikes a pose with her sword ready to fight against Conan and Subotai (who do the same thing she does)) NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Ooh, I’d like to ask her for directions. (normal) They’re unfortunately captured, though, by King Osric, played by Max von Sydow. He, I suppose, has a task for them. He promises them riches if they can bring back his daughter who’s been brainwashed by James Earl Jones King Osric: She follows him as a slave. Seeking for the truth of her soul. As if I could not give it to her. (He throws down a dagger on the left side of his throne) NC: (as King Osric, pretends to throw down his dagger) The power of Crom compels her! NC (voiceover): Conan dresses up in his silliest outfit and decides to fight Jones alone. He rides off into the wilderness and sets camp in some sort of Stonehenge rip-off. (We see several standing skeletons of both warriors and their horses scattered about; NC laughs) What, the horses just died with them? How the hell is that possible? NC: (imitating Mister Ed, pretending to run) Don’t worry, Wilbur. We’ll catch those bad guys. (The sound of an arrow flying and hitting a warrior is heard, and he stops “running”) Whoa, you’re dead? Oh, okay, I’ll just stand here until starvation. (He pauses to wait before fluttering his lips like a horse) NC (voiceover): So it turns out James Earl Jones is the head of a brainwashing cult, which is pretty much like Burning Man if everybody dressed up like Tylenol. But Conan is spotted and brought before our villain. Doom: Steel isn’t strong, boy. Flesh is stronger. Look around you. (He points up to several cult followers up above in the cliffs) There, on the rocks, that beautiful girl. (He gestures for the young woman to come to him) Come to me, my child. (The young woman jumps and falls through a wooden stage in the ground (the Goofy yell is heard as she falls) and dies) That is power. Crucify him. Hedley Lamarr (from “Blazing Saddles”): Too Jewish. (Cut to Conan being crucified on the Tree of Woe) NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Forgive them, Crom. They know not what they do. (Conan starts coughing) NC (voiceover): (normal) Oh, and to make things worse, he’s nailed up right next to Eric Idle. Crucified Man (from “Monty Python’s Life of Brian,” played by Eric Idle): (sings) Always look on the light side of life. (He whistles along to the melody) NC (voiceover): But the other two thieves come to save him as they take him to see a wizard who will try to bring him back to life. And wouldn’t you know it? He’s played by Mako. (NC does his “I cherish Mako” running gag) NC (voiceover): So he (the Wizard) gives him a Mako-over as apparently, this is supposed to bring him back to life somehow. (The Wizard paints symbols all over Conan’s body) NC (voiceover): (as Akiro) Alright, what’s an eight-letter word for “An uncouth person in the Dark Ages”? It begins with “B.” (Beat) Anybody? Anybody? It begins with “B.” (normal) So Arnold Sudoku seems to work as Conan is brought back to life. But there’s still the business of getting the king’s daughter back, as they try to break into the castle and get her out. (As Conan and the thieves ride off through the desert, we hear the same triumphant theme music from “Lord of the Rings” before we intercut with a clip from “The Princess Bride”) Valerie (from “The Princess Bride”): (waves goodbye) Bye-bye, boys! Miracle Max (from “The Princess Bride”): (waves goodbye) Have fun storming the castle! NC (voiceover): They dress up in their “Commando” makeup—that still doesn’t seem to camouflage anything—as they sneak into the palace where some sort of strange orgy is going on. (A large number of young women are on the floor as Doom slowly transforms into a snake) NC: (is expressionless) …Well, that’s just silly. (Doom begins to slither into the gathering of young women) NC (voiceover): Um, does he do this often? Is Thursday night just…Snake Night? Oh, well, no time to question logic now! We got a princess to save! (Conan and the thieves fight the guards) They take her away from the palace as James Earl Jones comes to his senses. (as Doom) Guards, I told you to watch the place while I was a snake! Can’t a guy just be a snake for five minutes without something going wrong? (normal) So he (Doom) gets out his bow and—I’m totally serious here—he fires a snake at them. (Doom fires the snake at Valeria, injuring her) You know, guy, I can see a snake motif going on here, but you don’t have to use it for everything. Just use a friggin’ arrow! I mean, what, do you brush your teeth with snakes, comb your hair with snakes? NC: God help us if he actually has a snake condom. (A fake image of a “One-Eyed Snake” condom is shown) That should be insane. NC (voiceover): So the woman sadly dies as the rest of them get ready for the big battle. They do this by setting up the Flintstones equivalent of “Home Alone” traps. (As Doom’s soldiers start to arrive at the battle scene, Conan speaks as though praying to the heavens) Conan: Crom, I’ve never prayed to you before. All that matters is two stood against many. That’s what’s important. Valor pleases you, Crom. NC: Oh, bad news for you, I’m afraid. Your prayer accidentally got intercepted by R. Crumb, the perverted cartoonist. Robert Crumb (from “Crumb”): I was sexually attracted by Bugs Bunny, and I…I cut out this Bugs Bunny off the cover of a comic book and carried it around with me. Conan: (continues praying) So grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you! NC: (laughs) Wow. That’s, like…the most backhanded prayer I ever heard in my life. Give me what I want, and if not, (flips off at the camera) fuck you! NC (voiceover): Do you think he’ll just pray for everything like that from now on? NC: (as Conan, praying with a McDonald’s Happy Meal bag beside him) Oh, Crom, please let my Happy Meal contain either Alvin, Simon or Theodore from the “Alvin and the Chipmunks” collector series, but do not put in any Chippettes. I do not like the Chippettes. God help you if there are any Chippettes in there! If there is a Chippette, then to HELL with you! (He reaches into the bag to pull out a Jeanette Miller Chippette toy; furious, he looks up skyward to yell with an echo) TO HELL WITH YOU! NC (voiceover): So with his spear and magic helmet, he fights off all the bad guys along with his friends. (A Doom soldier sneaks around to strike before getting injured by one of the traps) NC (voiceover): (as Thorgrim) D’ahh! Fell for the oldest trick in the book! Hitting a helmet which I thought was you, triggering a rock, activating a spear to stab me in the chest! Damn, you’re good! (Conan continues fighting) NC (voiceover): He even gets help from beyond the grave, apparently. (Valeria appears in ghost form to fight off Rexor) Valeria: (to Conan) Do you want to live forever? NC: (as Valeria) And by “forever,” I mean a brief cameo in the sequel? NC (voiceover): So he wins the battle as all the bad guys flee back to the palace. They snap the princess to her senses as she agrees to show Conan how to sneak into the fortress and finally kill James Earl Jones. Doom: (holds out a torch with both hands before his followers far below) Burn you, the way to paradise! (Doom spreads his arms apart before he turns his head to notice Conan sneaking up behind him) NC (voiceover): (as Doom) Uh, (clears his throat before speaking in a high squeak) Help. Doom: My child, you have come to me, my son. Who gave you the will to live? What will your world be, without me? My son. NC (voiceover): (as Conan) Well, gee, when you put it like that, FUCK YOU! (Conan cuts off Doom’s head with a sword and lets the body fall onto the top of the steps of the fortress before holding out Doom’s head before the crowd, who cheer for him; Conan then simply tosses the head down to the steps and lets it roll down them) NC (voiceover): (as Doom’s head) Ow. Ow, owowowowowowowowowowowow. (normal) So I guess this somehow breaks the spell they’re all under—I didn’t even know they were under a spell—as Conan burns down the palace and builds up some hype for the sequel. Akiro: In time, he became a king by his own hand. This story shall also be told. NC: (as Akiro) Very poorly in “Conan the Destroyer”! (The caption “To Be Continued…” appears below NC)
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