| rdfs:comment | - Contrary to popular belief, the Jesus stick is not named after Jesus Christ, but rather Jesus Christ is named after the Jesus stick. The stick's name actually comes from Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd, a legendary Aztec warrior renowned for his ass-beating skills. Emanuel never killed his challengers; instead, he would leave them with severe brain damage and convince them to do his bidding, which usually involved creating giant piles of rocks for no particular reason. When Emanuel passed away at the age of 364, he left his stick to his first-born son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd, whom he named after his father. Emanuel the 2nd carried the stick for several years, but after a rather unsettling encounter with six midgets and a Guatemalan hooker, he vowed never to use the
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| abstract | - Contrary to popular belief, the Jesus stick is not named after Jesus Christ, but rather Jesus Christ is named after the Jesus stick. The stick's name actually comes from Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd, a legendary Aztec warrior renowned for his ass-beating skills. Emanuel never killed his challengers; instead, he would leave them with severe brain damage and convince them to do his bidding, which usually involved creating giant piles of rocks for no particular reason. When Emanuel passed away at the age of 364, he left his stick to his first-born son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd, whom he named after his father. Emanuel the 2nd carried the stick for several years, but after a rather unsettling encounter with six midgets and a Guatemalan hooker, he vowed never to use the stick again. Witnesses overheard him call it "a worthless god-damned Jesus stick" as he tossed it aside, thus coining the term. Afterwards, the original Jesus stick passed out of history, but the practice of beating ass with Jesus sticks lived on. Some six million years later, a Middle Eastern kid by the name of Josh Carpenter took a trip to Columbia to get some blow. While he was there, he got into an argument with a drug lord by the name of Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzales the Nth and was beaten with a Jesus stick to within an inch of his life. When he emerged from a three year coma, he returned to the Columbian drug cartel and asked to be trained in the ancient art of Jesus stick ass beating. The drug lord Emanuel, who was so impressed that Josh still had an IQ above 17, offered to train him personally. After several long, grueling minutes, his training was complete, and Josh Carpenter took on the name Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ (often abbreviated as simply Jesus H. Christ.) Emanuel then fashioned for him a Jesus stick the likes of which had never been seen, and bid him farewell in the manner of his people: "Pinche gringo culero ve a chingar a tu reputisima madre!" Upon returning to Middle Earth, he swiftly began beating ass at random with his Jesus stick. Jesus "Here Comes the Pain" Christ and his escapades have been described in over 8 trillion different, conflicting documents worldwide, which invariably makes the study of this subject quite difficult.
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