| abstract | - Suburban Knights: Part 1 Bill: Hey, buddy! Need a lift? Mysterious person: In this? Bill: Yeah, unless you can pull a plane out of your pocket. *laughs* 'Cause that'd be awesome. Bill: I really dig your get-up, man. It's very Matrix meets Matrix Reloaded. You ever see those movies? Bill: That's beautiful, man. So, where you headed? MP: Chicago. Bill: Chicago! The Windy City! That shouldn't be too far out of the way! Let me just program this into my GPS. *grabs GPS* Get this bloody thing to work. Bill: According to this, it should be... 2000 miles. No, that can't be right. Let me just fix this. No, I don't want to go to Lake Okeechobee. You know, my mom always said only so many times a man can drive into a lake. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me five times, shame on the GPS. Awesome! I think I got it! So what part of Chicago are you going to? MP: You're using that? Bill: Well, yeah. MP: Don't use that. Bill: Why not? MP: Just, don't. Bill: Dude, I get everywhere with this thing. I'd be totally lost without it. MP: It's bad enough you have to imprison yourself in this technological deathtrap. But now you sacrifice your own sense of direction? Your intuition? Your own means of travel is determined by wires, electric highways. Circuits to destruction. You make no decisions for yourself. You hand over everything to these mechanical wonders. And for all their digital prestidigitation, you become no smarter for it. You enter this world empty, and you will leave this world... empty. Bill: Dude, did I say something wrong or...? MP: What do you think of the 21st century, mister...? Bill: Bill. MP: Bill. What do you think of the 21st century, Bill? Bill: Well, it's alright. I mean, like, Gaga's a little weird and all, but I think it's pretty solid. MP: You enjoy it? Bill: Yeah. MP: Would you swear by it? Bill: Sure. MP: Would you give up everything you own for it? Bill: That doesn't make much sense. Everything I own's in the 21st century, man. MP: No. No it isn't. There's one other thing you own the that 21st century hasn't given you. And it can be taken away. Very, very easily. Do you want it taken away... Bill? Bill: *laughing* Dude, what are you on? 'Cause I totally want some. (The opening credits roll, showing an image of a gauntlet with a shiny gem, swords and shields, and drawings of the Channel Awesome reviewers in costume, while playing the Suburban Knights theme.) Joe: Hello, good sir. How are you today? Man': Well, um... Joe: Can't talk now! I just won a free car! *laughs and walks away* Joe: Alright, where's that free NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Joe: (after 13 no's, sounding sad) Let me guess, you guys were promised a free car too? *everyone nods* But there is no car, is there? *everyone shakes heads* It's the Nostalgia Critic again, isn't it? *everyone nods* Oh, God. Lupa: Don't worry, Joe. We'll get him in his sleep. Jew Wario: Oh hey, you're Todd in the Shadows, right? Todd: ...Yeah. Jew Wario: *ducking* I've always wondered what you look like —a gun cocking sound is heard, and Todd points a pistol at JW—and then he backed away. Lupa: So what kind of half-assed scheme do you think he has this time? Film Brain: *enthusiastic* I don't know, but I'm so excited! Lupa: Is there like some sort of medicine you should be on? NC: Hello fellow reviewers of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com! How are you today? NC: Okay, so ya figured out there's no car. I would be angry too. cut to the reviewers, showing Linkara lowering his gun But if I was to tell you the real reason that I brought you all out here, I'm afraid none of you would show. MarzGurl: What are you talking about? NC: The truth, my dear friends, is that I have something better than the car. Phelous: *sarcastic* It better be a boat. NC: I'm talking about something that can get us riches beyond your wildest dreams. Something that can make every single person in this room a millionaire. Spoony: Alrighty, where's that free c- NOOOOOOOO! *starts sobbing* NC: Spoony, Spoony, so glad you could make it! Go join your team! Lupa: Don't worry. We'll make him pay. NC: My friends, we are sitting on the opportunity of a lifetime. And all the answers are on this VHS. Who wants to play it? FB: *gets up, saying enthusiastically* ME! I DO, I DO, I DO! Luke Mochrie: I'll do that for you, Critic. NC: Ah, Film Brain. I see you've met Luke Mochrie. He's a up and coming talent on the site. A real go-getter! FB: *still shocked* Up and coming? Luke: Yes. I'm sort of like you, only fresh and new. *Luke and the Critic laugh* NC: So, as you can see, Luke has this one. So, if you could get out of the way there... *pushes FB aside* FB: Well, can I, um, make you some coffee, Mr. Critic? NC: Oh, sure. That'd be great, uh... FB: Film Brain. NC: ...Film Brain... Yeah. Yeah, that's good. *taps his shoulder as he leaves Benzaie: Oh, boy! A movie. Nostalgia Chick: Well, already the credits are terrible. NC: Don't review it! *everyone groans* Larry Prince: New information in the disappearance of 30-year-old game store clerk Chuck Jaffers, from Gurnee. Police are revealing a strange portrait of the man that witnesses described as "emotionally troubled". Witness: He was emotionally troubled. Larry Prince: According to friends and family, Jaffers was apparently an avid player of the counterculture "role-playing game" Dungeons and Dragons. However, in the days leading up to his disappearance, he was heard ranting about finding a magical gauntlet called Malachite's Hand. Police suspect that the game may have driven Jaffers to insanity, and caused him to run mad into the street. Not unlike the timeless tale of Mazes and Monsters. Spoony: Oh, that is bullshit! Larry Prince: The actual location of Jaffers still remains a mystery. *removes glasses* Sad. Very, very sad. *puts glasses back* And now, on a lighter note, the President has been shot. NC: Well? Benzaie: So, what? NC: The gauntlet! The magic gauntlet he was talking about! Linkara: What about it? NC: I've done some research on this gauntlet, and it turns out it really exists! Apparently there are some sort of ancient jewel that you place on the gauntlet that was rumored to make it indestructible! Paw: So you think that by finding it, we can take control of its "magical" powers? NC: Pfft, hell no! There's no such thing as magic! NC: But if we find this thing, it could be worth a fortune. People would pay through the nose to get a look at it! Phelous: Well, what does it matter? Even if it is worth a bundle, we have no idea where it is or how to find it. NC: On the contrary. NC: I found the map that Jaffers made! He knew where it was! He left clues! All you have to do is just play a stupid game he created. A game that will lead us directly to the gauntlet! Bennett the Sage: But this is all written in rhymes and riddles! How are we supposed to figure it all out? NC: What... How the hell did you get that?! Sage: Just getting a head start? NC: *grabbing the map* That's the catch. As you heard on the news, Jaffers was this gigantic geek, and apparently he'd written this as a role-playing game in order to find it. Everybody has to get dressed up and act like a fantasy character in order to figure out what these riddles mean. 8-Bit Mickey: So you mean it's just a game? NC: Well, really, the only rule is to figure out the riddles on the map. But you're more likely to figure it out if you're engulfed in some sort of fantasy character. So if you're totally in touch with wizards, dragons, and all that crap, the more likely you are to figure this out and find the treasure. Spoony: So, it's like LARP'ing? NC: No! That's just a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a fake reward. Spoony: While we're a bunch of dorks dressing up and fighting for a real reward. NC': Exactly! Todd: So, what kind of characters do we dress up as? NC' Anything. As long as it has something to do with a quest-related fantasy world. Now, the map says here that there are two paths to it, so if we split up into two teams, that'll increase our chances of finding it! Chick': And you honestly think this is gonna pay off? NC': *epic music plays as he walks to the window* My friends, after all this is over, we will not only have a ton of money. But our names will also be placed in the book of destiny. Names will be remembered. Quests will become legends. And legends will become... legendary. We are standing on the threshold of greatness, of glory, and all we need to do is to take that first step. So what say you, my proud warriors of virtue? Turns around, the living room is empty NC: Goddamnit! It's like working with a bunch of kindergarteners! NC: HEY! IF YOU DON'T GO, YOU'RE ALL FIRED! *everyone groans* 8AM TOMORROW! BRING YOUR COSTUMES! FB: Here you go, Mr. Critic. I got you your coffee. NC: Get with the program, Film Brain! Luke already got me a latte! NC: You just haven't been on your A-game, have you? Luke: Extra cream, extra sugar, Critic. NC: *laughing* Oh ho ho, Luke. You know just what I'm lookin' for. Ma-Ti: Critic. NC: AAAAAAH! Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: Yes, it's Ma-ti! From Captain Planet. NC: *rolls eyes* Yeah, I know. What are you doing here? Ma-Ti: I got the message about the car! NC: But I didn't send you a message about the car... Ma-Ti: Huh, weird. *tosses the card* So, I hear you're putting a team together for a quest. Can I come? NC: Um, I'd like to, Ma-Ti, really I would, but, ah... I really need you... here. Ma-Ti: Here? NC: Yes. To protect the children and elderly. Ma-Ti: But there aren't any children and elderly here. NC: That's what makes it so hard, Ma-Ti. That's what makes it so hard. You don't understand my plight. Ma-Ti: No, I don't understand your plight. NC: I don't even know what 'plight' means. So, let's just say we're even and go along our merry ways, huh? Ma-Ti: But Critic, you don't have anyone to represent heart on your team! NC: Don't you think I know that, Ma-Ti? Don't you think I'd give anything to have you on board? Ma-Ti: Well, um... NC: But I have chosen the life that I lead, and you have chosen the life that you lead. I know it sounds complex, even confusing, but trust me when I say that nothing will change that, Ma-Ti! Nothing will change that! Will you answer nothing's call? Ma-Ti: Is "nothing" something? NC: It's everything. Ma-Ti: Wow. NC: So help me help you help me. Let's make this happen, Ma-Ti! Ma-Ti: Yes! NC: Tonight! Ma-Ti: YES! NC: Now get out there and show 'em what you're made of, you little pop tart! NC: Now this is a manly costume! Joe: Not as manly as mine! NC: Jesus, Joe. Don't scare me like this. Joe: 'Allo. My name is not Joe. It is Inigo Montoya. You killed my brother. points his sword at the Critic NC: Father. Joe: Father. Prepare to die. NC: Alright, very nice, Joe, but don't do that! We don't need to encourage every tights-wearing idiot to sneak in here like that. Spoony: Fly, you fools! Spoony: "For I am the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor! Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udûn!" NC: Yeah, well... NC: Knock before you come in, Dumbledore! In fact, is anyone else already here? JewWario: Yes! *The Snob replies with a shush* N-No, no, no! NC: Alright, alright, GET OUT IN HERE! Linkara: We'd preferred if you called our names out first! Cinema Snob: Yeah, it's more dramatic that way! NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Linkara! Linkara: I must remind you, Critic, that I am a civilized man with occasional lapses. NC: What are you, some sort of Monty Python sketch? Linkara: I, good sir, am King Arthur, as played by Sir Richard Harris. NC: Actually, I don't think he was knighted. Spoony: Kind of ironic... Linkara: In the greatest movie ever made, Camelot. Spoony: What's the Elvish word for prat? Linkara: Have at thee! NC: Hey, hey, hey, hey! Save it for Broadway! Alright, now where's the Nostalgia Chick? Chick: *speaks in Elvish-sounding words* (Subtitles: "Greetings unattractive mortals.") Linkara: What'd she say? Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "I am Arwen, daughter of King what's-his-name from those Matrix movies.") Boys: What?! Chick: Read the damn subtitles! Boys: "*look down* Ohhhhh! Benzaie: Crom! Ask me what is best in life! Joe: Okay, what is best in life? Benzaie: To crush the enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. Present company excluded. Chick: *"Elvish"* (Subtitles: "It's cool") NC: I like it! A Frenchman playing an Austrian! It'll confuse the enemy! Very good! Ah, who else there? Um... Sage! Sage: Greetings, sons of Adam, daughters of Eve. I am King Aslan. Sage: Oh, shut up! NC: *laughing* I don't know, Ass Man! I don't think you've got the nerve! Spoony: "Oh, grrr!" Sage: Come on, guys! Stop laughing! Phelous: You're probably not gonna like my costume, then... NC: What the... Phelous, is that you? Phelous: No, it's the Rockbiter! NC: You look like a steroid elephant turd. Phelous: *holding two dolls* Well, my little friends think I look good, don't you? These are my little friends. They've come to help stop the Nothing! Say hello to my little friends! NC: Very nice. Anyway, I- Phelous: I said "Say HELLO!" NC: *nervously pats one* Hello, inanimate objects. Phelous: *taking the dolls away* They'll be watching you. NC: Marzgurl! Where is MarzGurl? *a dog bite is heard* OW! MarzGurl: *speaks Japanese* (subtitles: "I am Princess Mononoke, half woman, half wolf. Daughter of the great Wolf God, Gillian Anderson!") NC: Ow, ow, ow! Okay, alright! You're an animal rights nut! Geez! Luke: Expecto tarobitussin! Magic is in the air! FB: Hey! You copycat! I was going to be Harry Potter! Luke: Says who? FB: Says me! Luke: Yeah? FB: Yeah! MarzGurl: *Japanese* (subtitles: "Silence!") NC: Hey, hey, hey! We got two Lord of the Rings and possibly two Narnias! Chick: What? NC: Well, you do kinda look like the older sister. Everyone agrees So we can have two Harry Potters! FB: But he shouldn't even qualify! I'm authentic British! Luke: Yeah, well, I'm Canadian! FB: That's as British as being Turkish, you tit! Luke: What are you talking aboot? FB: It's "about," you twat! NC: Stop it, stop it! As far as I'm concerned, you both look equally stupid! FB: But I look more stupid, right? NC: OH YEAH! NC: Right. Now, where's Cinema Snob? Snob: "Too bad the Hovitos don't know you like I do, Critic." NC: Oh, come on, Indiana Jones? That isn't fantasy. Snob: It's quest-based, so it counts. Anyways, he survived a nuclear explosion in a refrigerator. If that's not fantasy, then I don't know what is. NC: *sighs* Alright, fine. Where's Obscurus Lupa? Lupa: "Oh, some day my prince will come!" NC: No, no! What's wrong with you people? It's fantasy-based, not fairy tales! Lupa: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Fairy tales are so based in reality. I mean... *puts hands on chest, talks in softer voice* reality! Mickey: It's all about giving in to the dreams of your imagination! NC: Holy fuck, what is that? Mickey: I am Peter Pan, the little rapscallion who will never grow up. NC: Well, I can clearly see that. Paw: "Good, good! I can use every ounce of your rage! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah! Luke: Oh my God, you're Jeremy Irons from Dungeons & Dragons? Paw: *touches Luke's face* Good, does that upset you? I can use every ounce of your anger! Aht-aht-aht-aht-aaaaaah! Luke: *scared* I don't wanna ride with him. Todd: Hey guys, check me out! 'Tis I, the Dread Pirate Roberts! Todd: From The Princess Bride! silence remains It's Todd. Everyone': OHHHHHH! Tom: How's this? NC: Oh, hey Tom! You're... Tom: I'm Willow. NC: ...Of course! Okay, well, there's only one person missing. Where's JewWario? JewWario: Apologies. I was busy doing my dance magic dance. NC: Oh my God. It's David Bowie from Labyrinth. Mickey: Does that mean he's got the... JewWario: I can't help if I want to *pelvic thrust* flaunt what I've got. NC: It's like a dead ferret! Chick: Hello. I'd suddenly like to get to know you better. JewWario: Oh, most certainly. Here, would you like to hold my ball? Chick: YES! NC: Ladies! NC: Alright! You all look epically ridiculous! Now this is the kind of team that's gonna get us riches! Everyone: Hooray! NC: Okay everybody. Let's get started! NC: According to this map, this is the only point that's identified as the starting point of the game. Right in this field. By God, it's a beautiful, desolate wasteland, isn't it? Benzaie: Uh, not really. There are houses around us. Even some cars over there. Car driver: *honking* Get a job, hippies! NC: Well, it doesn't matter. This as a starting point is a great place to start! Linkara, where's your beard? Linkara: I ran out of Sharpie! NC: Well, it doesn't matter. According to this map, there's two paths to get there, so I'm going to split you up into two teams. Um... Let's call *points* this side team 1, *points* and this side team 2. Lupa: But... We wanna go with him. NC: Get over there! NC: Now, I made a Xerox copy of the map for myself - I still ripped it up so it looks all cool - and so the original map I am giving to you guys. Spoony: Thank you, Master Critic. May the light of Eärendil shine ever upon you. NC: Shut up. *epic music plays* Alright, people. We are on the verge of a great adventure! If we pull this off, our names will be placed in the history books for all time to come! Ma-Ti: HEART! Ma-Ti: Critic! I thought I could be of some help! Everyone: Um... NC: Ma-Ti, it's not that we don't want to use you because your powers are totally and completely useless. Sage: It's not? Lupa elbows him NC: It's just that... there's so much more that can be done here! Ma-Ti: Like what? NC: Um... Ah... Chick: Oh! My contact lens fell out! NC: Her contact lens, Ma-Ti! She lost her contact lens! Ma-Ti: Oh, geez, that's terrible! NC: Yes. And we need somebody here to look for it, so...get on that. pushes Ma-Ti to the ground Ma-Ti (with his face on the ground): You are a true friend. NC: No talking while you're searching. *unsheathes sword as the epic music plays* Now, for everyone else, you will remain in your two teams, and we will find treasure! But first, I think it would be a good idea if we go over that hill to show the unity of our fellowship. Todd: Why? *the music stops, and restarts every time the Critic starts talking* NC: Because it will symbolize our unity, even though we are breaking our fellowship. Phelous: Why would we want to do that? NC: It will strengthen our bonds as we- Mickey: How's bondage gonna help us? NC: *annoyed* In our darkest hour, we will always- Linkara: But it's daylight! NC: But when something really bad is going down- Paw: Like what? NC: *very annoyed* The trailer, okay?! We're doing it for the trailer! Everyone: OHHHHH! NC: Okay. Line up! NC: Begin epic pose! NC: AND SPLIT!
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