| abstract | - Chester: Hello, I'm Chester A. Bum. And I am here to cover an anime convention. I have not met Anna or May yet, but I imagine they are very nice people. So, before I go into this, I have taken a very small amount of LSD - I will not lie. I do this to make things look a little bit more exciting because, pfft, my guess is Anna and May are probably very boring people. So, hopefully I won't see anything too strange to alert me. *Looks at hand* (Cut to him heading to the elevator and waiting for the doors to open. There, he sees a group of cosplayers. He stares at them, and then looks at the camera) Chester: I think this stuff is too strong. (Cut to him going down a stairway) Chester: I have decided to take the stairs because clearly there was something very strange in the elevator. Ah, my hope is that I will not see anything quite as strange as that because, um, that was very strange. (Cut to him looking at cosplayers in what looks like the lobby. He approaches a man wearing a strange mask and pokes his arm) Random person: Don't poke him! (Cut to him as cosplayers walk by him) Chester: ...I'm very afraid. (He checks out a girl's costume, then spots a blue-colored man heading downstairs) Chester: That man was blue! Why is that man blue? (He cautiously goes downstairs) Chester: Maybe the drugs are having way too much of an impact on me. I am very frightened and do-do-do-do-do-do-do-don't know what to do. (Cut to him pointing at a Link from The Legend of Zelda games) Chester: Why... Wh-Why are you wearing a skirt? Wh-Why the skirt? Why... I don't understand this. Link: Because I'm a fairy boy. Chester: You're a fairy boy. Link: Yes. Chester: ...Okay. Yes, that...that makes sense. (He watches someone in a costume of Mountain Dew boxes and soon comes across some "normal-looking" people) Chester: Excuse me. *looks at camera* Those were about the closest to normal people I've seen here today. (He panics as a girl takes his picture with the flash on) Chester: What is it? Ahh! Why would you do that?! I can't see now! *He takes a picture with her* Gah! Stop doing that! (He finds the guy wearing boxes) Chester: There's a Mountain Dew man even on the most highest drugs! Random Guy: How did you get in here? Chester: I... I don't know! (He is suddenly approached by a Chester doppelganger) Cameraman: Well, this is awkward. Random guy: VERY awkward! (Chester and his doppelganger start mimicking each other. The doppelganger holds up his cup and Chester realizes he doesn't have his. He then takes it and runs from the doppelganger) Doppelganger: He stole my change! (Chester finds more camera lovers) Guy: Can I get a picture with you, Chester? Chester: Does it have the bright, flashy things that to blind--- I don't think--- Gah! Guy: Sorry! Chester: Charlatons! You're all charlatons! Strange-looking charlatons! Why can't you look normal like me?! (Cut to...) Doppelganger: Change?! Ya got change?! Chester: Get a job! ...I need a hug. *He hugs a girl* Girl: I'm sorry. You poor thing... (The first girl who tried to take his picture attempts to hug Chester, but he pushes her away) Chester: Get away. (Cut to...) Random guy: Change?! What? Chester: No, we already got another bum! Random guy: I'm Darth Vader's apprentice. Chester: O-Oh, okay. Th-That makes sense today. ...Where are the norms?! I need to find the norms! Random girl: What's your favorite movie this year? Chester: My favorite movie of the year? Wh-What's playing this week? Random girl: Um... "Where The Wild Things Are." Chester: "Where The Wild Things A---" That's the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! *Gestures to doppelganger* H-How 'bout you? W-What's your favorite movie of the year? Doppelganger: ...I would have to say...thinking back to all the movies that I have watched... Chester: Today, Sherlock! Girl: *to Chester* What do I have to do to wear your hat? Chester: Uh... Me! You have to do me! (And later...) Doppelganger: Don't go into a room called yaoimane (pronouced yoh-e-ma-nay). It's two boys! Chester: Ew. Doppelganger: Together! Chester: But we-we're two boys together! Doppelganger: Not like that! (All of a sudden...) Chester: 90's Kid!! 90's Kid: Hobos!! Chester: Hello 90's Kid! How are you? Give me a hug, you big lug! Have you met...me? *Gestures to doppelganger* This is me! 90's Kid: My mind is blown! (They find a guy semi-dressed like Linkara) Doppelganger: It's Linkara! 90's Kid: No it isn't! Chester: This is Linkara? Doppelganger: It must be! Chester: That's not Linkara! I've seen Linkara. He's a jackass! Linkara is a big jackass. *looks at 90's Kid* You know what I mean? 90's Kid: That guy's a total jerk! I hate that guy! Chester: He thinks he knows everything. He thinks the hat is cool and everything. He's a moron! 90's Kid: Total moron! Chester: *gets in 90's Kid's face* An absolute moron! 90's Kid: Absolutely! Chester: Yes! Screw Linkara! *He and 90's Kid high-five* Yeah! 90's Kid: Yeah! Chester: *High-fives Linkara clone* Yeah! Who's Linkara? 90's Kid: Dude, guns! Guns rock! Chester: Guns do rock except when they, when you pull the trigger and they kill people. I-I-I don't like that. (They soon find a samurai) Chester: Did you... Did you put toilet paper on your head? Why would you do that? (They find a girl dressed up like Gatomon from "Digimon") Chester: Your tail is attached to your head! Why is your tail attached to your head? She's a phony! A phony rabbit kitty thingy right here! (He finds a Pokemon guy with a gun and bullets wrapped around him) Chester: What is that? You look like a decked out Hunter S. Thompson! Why?! 90's Kid: Dude, he's got an awesome arsenal! Chester: Why do your guns have orange things on the front of them? That sorta makes them stand out, you know. It makes them look like toys. 90's Kid: You've taken Pokemon and made it EXTREME! Pokemon Guy: Well, with Team Rocket been flying around for 10 years and the police are completely incompetant about doing anything about it, yeah, I'm gonna take care of this problem myself. 90's Kid: Obviously. You do a very good job and essential service. Killing Team Rocket! Chester: ...I like cheese! (They find the girl who first took Chester's pic holding "Twilight," pretending to burn it) Chester: "Twilight?" That's the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! Girl: Burn it! Chester: Nooooo! Girl: Yeah! Chester: That's the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! Girl: Burn his face! Chester: Wait... Wait, is that the book? Girl: Yeah. Chester: The book sucks! Random Girl: Free hugs! (Chester and 90's Kid start hugging a line of people) 90's Kid: I will hug you all! (Chester poses with a boy) Chester: I'm sure this doesn't look creepy at all. Cameraman: No, not really. (And later...) Chester: Wh-Where's my change collector? Doppelganger: *holds up cup* More change! Chester: Everybody has good, delicious chocolate change! 90's Kid: No, Bum! You can't have food! Chester: It's good, good, good, good, good, good, good! *He then holds up mini chocolate bar* People are pushing me. They're very inconsideramate. (A girl waves a change purse at him) Chester: Yes? Change! A change purse! Why haven't I been asking for change purses?! Obviously, that's the more sensible thing to do! Yes, you can get a hug! *Hugs her* C-Can I really keep this? Girl and Guy: Yeah, yeah! Chester: Wow, that's so... *Turns and finds scary, grinning, costumed freak* Ahh! *freezes* (Cut to...) 90's Kid: *Holding a large gun* This is awesome! Chester: What the flying hell? Doppelganger: Is that the first time someone asked you to touch their gun? *Chester peers into it* Chester: How do you turn this thing on?! (He is then holding a bottle of something yellow) Chester: Is that real piss? Doppelganger: Why do you carry it around with you?! Chester: *takes a sip* Wow! Almost tastes like...grape juice! Do you drink a lot of grape juice? (A girl approaches him) 90's Kid: They want a picture with you. Chester: Absolulelelety. *Takes it and blinks a few times* I will never get used to that. 90's Kid: Dude, they stole your soul! Chester: They stole my soul?? Give me back my soul! *He takes the camera and pretends to hit it* Hey! Die! Give me back my soul! Give me--- Wow, feet! *looks at girl* Can I take a picture of you? *He does* Wonderful! Thank you so much! *pockets camera* It was so much fun meeting you. *shakes hand* Have a wonderful time at the con. Move along! Move along! (He's then forced to return it) Chester: *shrugs* Yes, can't blame a bum for trying, you know. (He then runs into a Rorschach cosplayer) Chester: I see a bunny! 90's Kid: Dude, you got, like, raspberry jam on your button. Rorschach: Human raspberry jam. 90's Kid: Ooh, let me try that! (Chester then turns and finds...) Guy in dress: Can I get a picture with you and that nice--- Chester: What the hell are you!? Guy in dress: Hi! I'm a boy. Chester: You're very sure about that? (They take the picture) Chester: ...You're gonna hang this picture on your wall, aren't ya? 90's Kid: Rockin'! (Chester finds a skull and holds it up a la Hamlet) 90's Kid: Steve? Chester: Casper! I knew ye well! *Moves skull* Can I keep you? Ooh, it's still creepy! (Soon...) 90's Kid: *points* Shredder and turtle! Chester: Ohh! I have to see this. I-I have to see this. *He sees Shredder and what looks like Michaelangelo fighting and runs in* Guys, break it up! Break it up! I'll marry both of you! *Mike and Shredder stare and move away* ...Don't you want to marry me?? (Moving on...) Chester: Now is the part of the show where, because I'm on LSD, I will look at this for an hour. *He stares at a shiny glass wall-like statue. 90's Kid joins him* 90's Kid: Woah... Chester: *stares* Reality. What a concept. 90's Kid: I hear colors. (They later come across a man wearing plastic latex on his head) Chester: C-C-C-Condom Man? Th-The Human Sperm! *The man shakes his head* ...Guy in costume! *The man nods* Yes! Yes! What do I win? What do I win? Man: ...I don't know. Chester: What kind of game show is this?! (A freaky clown-faced guy gives Chester a bill) Chester: Wow! Cameraman: Oh my God... Doppelganger: *As Chester puts it in the cup* That's not change! That's green stuff! Chester: You're right! *turns to clown* What are you trying to do, giving me green stuff? I need money, man! Money! Change! *shakes head* Good Lord, some people just don't get it. (They come across a V masked guy from "V For Vendetta") Chester: So that's a mask? Oh, okay. Let's see what you really look like. *lifts it* Daahh! 90's Kid: *points* Woah! Dude, over there! An imposter! *They go over to find...a 90's Kid doppelganger* Duudddeeee! 90's Doppelganger: Duudddeeee! Wait, who are you? 90's Kid: I know who I am. Who are you? 90's Doppelganger: I know who I am. Who are you? 90's Kid: I know who I am! Who are you? 90's Doppelganger: Who are you? 90's Kid: I believe that I am 90's Kid. 90's Doppelganger: I believe that you believe that I am 90's Kid. 90's Kid: I believe that you believe that I believe that I'm 90's Kid. Chester: Oh my God! We're in Bizarro World! Ahhhhhhh! This is a twin brother convention! *Gestures to his doppelganger* He is obviously the evil twin 'cause I'm the good guy. (Let the argument continue...) 90's Doppelganger: My shirt says wizzywig. Yours says wiseywieg. 90's Kid: Wiseywieg is the correct way to pronounce it! 90's Doppelganger: Or is it? 90's Kid: ...Yes! It is the correct way to pronounce it! 90's Doppelganger: I challenge you to another dude-off! 90's Kid: A dude-off is the only way to settle this! Chester: Yes, yes, yes, yes! The only way to settle this is a dude-off. Whoever can get the dude off each other first wins. I'll be the dude. Come here. *Goes towards doppelganger* 90's Doppelganger: Ahh! No! Chester: You two do the dude-off. I am gonna stare at this for a while. (He goes and stares at the glass wall again with his doppelganger while the two 90's Kids get into fighting poses. They then come towards each other shouting and dragging out "Duuuuddddddeeee!" until the doppelganger collapses from exhaustion) 90's Kid: I. Am. 90's Kid! Chester: *He and his doppelganger are peeing* Don't cross the streams! Oh, zip up! Zip up! (He then finds WarGreymon from "Digimon") Chester: You are from, uh, "Power Rangers," maybe? *WarGreymon nods* Does that cardboard help defend you from lots of evil glass and stuff? *WarGreymon gestures* Oh, sign language! Okay! Um... *gestures to self* Me heap happy to see you. *WarGreymon gestures again* Yay! That means...piss off. Hey! ...Please call me. I-I don't have a cell phone, but just yell very loudly and I'll find you. (They find another Link cosplayer with a green Triforce shard) Chester: I-I love your wax candle. *They gather around it* Let us all stare at it for five hours. 90's Kid: It's shiny. 90's Doppelganger: I-It's like ammo for, like, a really huge gun. Chester: Wait a minute. I know what this is! This is a Jolly Rancher! Everybody dig in! *They bite at it* (They then find a couple of Star Wars stormtroopers) Chester: ...Are you Jehovah's Witnesses? 90's Kid: Hey, two Bums, two 90's Kids, two stormtroopers. Chester: Clearly, I need glasses. *They all pose for pictures* 'Cause I'm seeing four of everybody! (As various clips of Youmacon play...) Chester: So, even though I never did find Anna or May, I can safely say this was the greatest convention I've ever been to in my life! Of course, it's the only convention the Bum has ever been to, but when has that ever stopped it from being great?! This is Chester A. Bum saying yen! Ya got yen?!
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