| abstract | - NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. It's not always easy being a critic. (pause) Yeah it is. But sometimes it can be annoying. And when I say that, I don't mean watching a horrible, horrible movie. No, no, I mean watching an incredibly boring movie. And I mean boring. Case in point, let's take a look at Warriors of Virtue! Footage of Warriors of Virtue NC (Voiceover): If I told you this was about a boy who takes a journey to a fantasy world where kangaroos know martial arts, you'd say "That sounds like shit, but at least it would keep my attention, right?" Wrong. This movie is beyond unentertaining. It's just a pain to sit through. NC (Voiceover): I'd rather watch paint dry while keeping an eye on grass growing while watching a TV show with Mr. T, Hulk Hogan and Bruce Campbell filing their taxes! It is that boring. So, what makes this makes an unbelievable dullfest? Well, pull out a pillow and let's find out! NC (Voiceover): So it starts out with a very vague backstory about how the age of warriors seems to be fading in the time of crisis. Master Chung: Is there someone with the courage to step forward? But I fear for him as I fear for us. NC (Voiceover): Well okay this doesn't seem too bad. An action packed adventure that promises lots of excitement! Um, Warriors of Virtue! Thrilling suspense, mind boggling fantasy and cozy confines of middle class suburbia. Woo! NC (Voiceover): So we come across a kid named Ryan, reading probably the worst drawn comic book in the history of comic books! I guess all the heroes are mute, too, because there isn't one single word bubble on any of those pages. NC: Geez, what would Linkara say? Linkara: I'd say it's an insult to comic readers everywhere! Now let me tell you why. I- NC (Voiceover): So we go from reading comics on the john to the sizzling of shrimp in a stir fry! NC (Voiceover): Alright. Even Iron Chef doesn't show off this much, guy! Just friggin' relax! NC (Voiceover): Okay, do you really have to jump kick the faucet? I mean, is it absolutely necessary? NC: Where's Chef Ramsey when you need him? Footage of Ming overlaps with footage of Hell's Kitchen. Chef Ramsey: (Groans) You donkey! NC (Voiceover): So I guess Ryan is friends with the chef. I don't really know how that happens, but okay, as the chef tells him about the mystical brouhaha about being a master of something or other. Chef Ming: Then let go of your limitations, Ryan. Imagine a world beyond anything you've ever seen. NC (Voiceover mimicking Ryan): Ah, look, I just ordered the Kung Pao chicken. Can you get it for me already? Chef Ming: A world defended by great warriors. NC (voiceover mimicking Ryan): Just that I'm kind of hungry. Chef Ming: No guns, no lasers, no morphing. NC (Voiceover mimicking Ryan): Probably getting cold. Chef Ming: They use the forces of nature as their weapons. NC (Voiceover mimicking Ryan): You're not getting a tip. NC (Voiceover): Okay, now we're in a sports movie. What the hell's going on here? Can you pick a freakin' scenario? NC (Voiceover): So he's a waterboy in a football team because he has a limp leg that doesn't allow him to play. But that doesn't stop him from giving some helpful advice. Ryan: If you fake to Toby and then bootleg left, you have a clear path to the end zone. NC (laughing, mimicking the jocks): I like it when the water hit his foot. NC (Voiceover): But it turns out the football player takes his advice and wins the game! NC (Voiceover): Okay, we've officially entered into a different movie. I don't know if they got a new director or a few of pages of Rudy accidentally got mixed into the script, but this isn't the same movie we started out with. NC (Voiceover): So after that ending to another film, Ryan points out how he helped the football player. So the tough guy tries to find a sneaky way to return the favor. Brad: You want to hang out with us tonight? Ryan: Yeah. Sure. Brad: Cool. Well, we'll be around the Orono tunnel about 8 o'clock. Ryan: Great. We'll be there. Brad: All right. Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap! NC (Voiceover): So he goes back to every kid's favorite hot spot, the Chinese kitchen where he gets in trouble misunderstanding in what one of the chefs is saying. Chef: *Text caption* Hello little boy, what a delight to see you here. Ryan: Sorry. Chef: *Text caption* I thought perhaps I'd give you this healing lotion for your leg, it'll heal all wounds within 48 hours. Ryan: Look I'm sorry, okay? Chef: *Text caption* Poor dumbass, if you spoke Chinese I could've saved your life. Moron. NC (Voiceover): Okay, this guy should be on special forces or something, what the hell's he doing in a damn kitchen? Ryan: What's this? Chef Ming: It's a cocoon. I was on my way home from school, I saw it lying on the ground, sitting there. NC (Voiceover): Yeah, um, don't you have some Happy Meals to kung fu or something? Chef Ming: But then all of sudden, down he came, into the ground. NC (Voiceover mimicking an Asian chef's voice): WAH! The kitchen is on fire! Stop telling that kid the stupid story and help us! WOO-HOO! Chef Ming: I was like you once. Never thought I was good enough, always wanted to be like someone else. This is Tao. NC: You mean Dao? The word that's spelled like Tao but pronounced like Dao, except by people who absolutely know nothing about Chinese? Idiot! NC (Voiceover): So they meet at the location the football player was talking about as they go into the tunnel to play some sort of dare. By the way, who just randomly waves their flashlights like that? NC (Voiceover): So they get to this big sewer where I guess they partake in a sort of rite of passage or something. The kid needs to cross the beam and get to the other side to spray paint something on the wall. Brad: You're moving like a baby! Why don't you just get down and crawl, come on! NC (laughing, mimicking Brad before returning to his normal voice): What are you? Physically disabled or something--this is probably a bad idea. Brad: Come on! NC (Voiceover): Uh-oh, I hear a plot device! NC (Voiceover mimicking Brad): Oh no! I killed a ten-year-old! They're totally going to drop me from the team for this! NC (Voiceover): For some reason, he wakes up in Yoda's bathroom where it seems some mythical sewer magically transported into another world. NC: Oh no, he's in Ferngully! *shakes his hands in fear* AHH! NC (Voiceover): He looks around the whimsical world as he suddenly comes across a very interesting looking character. NC (Voiceover mimicking Yun): Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the set of Tank Girl? Ryan (screaming and runs off): AHH! NC (Voiceover mimicking Yun): Well I didn't think it was that bad of a movie. NC (Voiceover): So while screaming at things and running away, he notices something very interesting. Ryan: My leg...it works. It works! Yes! NC (mimicking Ryan and thrusting his arms): Yay! Yay! Ow! I think I just broke it again, son of a bitch! Ryan: Blue 42! Set! Hike! NC (Voiceover): Uh, yeah. Did you just forget that you were flushed down the toilet into a supernatural world? Just thought I'd remind you. NC (Voiceover): So he's attacked by that little guy from Twin Peaks but then is suddenly saved by... NC (Voiceover): Roller girl? Elysia: You're not safe here. Come on. She flies upward with Ryan with the Superman theme by John Williams playing in the background. NC (Voiceover): Meanwhile on the set of Dune, we see our villain named Komodo. Dragoon Commander: I bought you this. It's from a boy, he's a newcomer! Komodo: Newcomer? NC (Voiceover mimicking The Monarch from The Venture Bros): The Monarch is not pleased! Komodo: General Grillo, I ask you this: What's the point of power if you don't use people? NC (Mimicking Komodo, waving his arms): I'm trying to do every Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen. General Grillo: (picks up the manuscript) My lord, it's the symbol of Tao! NC: Oh really? The symbol of Tao? Oh boy, how "tear" you? You must be a very "tearing" person to "tispense" such "T-Pressing" information! NC (Voiceover): So Ryan and his new friend talk about where he is. Ryan: Who are you? Where am I? Elysia: I'm Elysia. You're in Tao. NC (Voiceover, irritated): Tao, goddamn it! Elysia: He said if it was ever returned to Tao... NC (Voiceover): Tao! Elysia: ...it could change everything. When he came to Tao... NC (Voiceover): Tao-you know what? It's your fictional bullshit, call it whatever the hell you want. NC (Voiceover): So they arrived at their town which kind of looks like the Narnians if they had landscaping by the Ewoks, as their leader comes forward to give them some news. Master Chung: We cannot let our fears defeat us. Elysia: Master Chung! We have hope, a newcomer has arrived. Willy Beast: He's too small to be a newcomer! Ryan: Houston, we have a problem. NC: And that's my final answer. Because my heart will always go on, right after I get jiggy with it! Master Chung: Elysia said you have brought the Manuscript. It is important, newcomer. Ryan: The name is Ryan Jeffers. NC: Bitch! Ryan: Show me the Warriors of Virtue, please? NC (Voiceover): So Master Chung shows him the Teenage Mutant Ninja Marsupials as he describes their character traits that will not really be examined outside of the fact that he just lists them. Master Chung: This is Lai. Virtue of Order, the stability of Wood. NC (mimicking Master Chung): He is also an alcoholic. Master Chung: Chi. Virtue of High Wisdom. Often playful. NC (mimicking Master Chung): And closet homosexual. Master Chung: Tsun. The virtue of Loyalty. NC (mimicking Master Chung): In her spare time, she writes for Business Week magazine. It pays little, but the press is great. Master Chung: Yee. Virtue of Righteousness. NC (mimicking Master Chung): He used to open for Jimmy Hendrix. Tough guy to work with, I hear. But I don't know. I wasn't there. NC (Voiceover): So while admiring the Joel Camel Easter Bunnies, Chung asks Ryan the important question. Master Chung: He is a newcomer. And he has brought something important to us. Master Chung: Now, Ryan Jeffers, may we see the manuscript? NC (Voiceover): Now wait a minute, why did you wait until night to ask him that question? It was right there, you started to bring it up. I mean, what the hell happened between those scenes? Master Chung: And he has brought something important to us. NC (mimicking Master Chung): Umph! Dance time! Chi: Yun knows where it is. If the newcomer was saved at the river, it would've been Yun. NC: Dr. Claw is right, it was probably Yun. NC (Voiceover): So we get a scene with Elysia and Ryan chatting. Elysia: What are you thinking about? Ryan: Home. I wonder if my mom and dad are worried about me. Elysia: I wish I had known my mother and father. NC (nodding): Sucks. Elysia: They died just after my brother and I were born. Elysia: Master Chung looked after us... NC (Voiceover): So one boring backstory later, she takes him to some old memorial where all these statues stand. Elysia: But after the war on Tao started... NC (Voiceover): Isn't this just riveting? Elysia: All this was built in honor of the Roos. During the old order, they were revered by everyone. But after the war on Tao started... Ryan: Why'd Yun leave everyone? Elysia: He killed someone in a battle. Ryan: So what? It was a battle. People die. Elysia: IT WAS A LIFE! NC: Whoa! Fucking psycho! Elysia: Someday you'll understand. Ryan: Understand what? Elysia (chuckling): You remind me me of my brother, he always... NC (Voiceover, mimicking Elysia): Getting kidnapped--wait a minute! Elysia: Ryan? NC (Voiceover): So the bad guys try to kidnap Ryan when they're approached by Yun, the Warrior of Virtue who broke his vow by killing someone. So he doesn't fight anymore. NC (Voiceover): Yes, he doesn't fight anymore. All these flips, kicks and punches he's throwing right now? Yeah, he doesn't do any of that. It's a shame, because it looks like he's really good at it. But nope, he broke his vow and will never just turn his back in a millisecond because his honor means too much to him. NC (Voiceover): By the way, what's with the blurry vision? Is the secret to outwitting your opponent cutting frames? NC (Voiceover mimicking Barbarotious): I will destroy you along with the other Power Rangers! HAHAHAHA! NC (Voiceover): So Yun, who swore he'd never fight again, is now fighting again. As the other mutilated Ron Pearlmans welcome him back. Willy Beast: Thank you, Ryan! Ryan! General Grillo: My lord, all the Zubrium... NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You can't just pass over that scene. I mean, what the hell was that? NC: (Voiceover): Is that like a Tarzan alarm clock? Is it a crowing rooster whose balls are getting crushed? What movie, what?! NC (Voiceover): So after...that, we get another scene with King Fappier. General Grillo: But if the Manuscript can harm us, why don't we just destroy it? Komodo: It cannot be destroyed. You can be destroyed! Your armies can be destroyed! BUT IT CANNOT BE DESTROYED! NC (mimicking Komodo with his right hand gesturing and turning his head): I have no idea what I'm doing. Direction, someone give me direction! Komodo: Do a-does purple suit me? General Grillo: Very much, my lord. Komodo: Then you are dismissed. NC (Voiceover mimicking General Grillo): I have no idea why we're following you, sir. NC (Voiceover): So after that, we get another scene of our heroes just sitting down and talking. Chi: Patience is not my virtue. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): God, isn't this magical? Tsun: And I made a pledge to protect these people. We can't leave them defenseless. Yun: And I let the manuscript fall into Komodo's hands. I made a pledge to Master Chung. NC (Voiceover): Oh, and just to make the scene even cheaper, they reversed of Elysia walking backwards. Really? You couldn't just remember to tell the actress to turn around and walk down the stairs? You had to shoot it in reverse? Reversing the film is one of the cheapest moves you could do guys. Really, really cheap! NC (Voiceover): Meanwhile, at the home of the Honey Nut Cheerios bee, we see that Elysia is a traitor. Who's planning to betray her fellow friends. Komodo: Your guilt is obscene. IT WAS A LIFE! NC: I guess no one can say that without screaming! NC (Voiceover): So after playing duck, duck, goose here, we return to Ryan, who spends talking to the Mini-Me version of Andy Serkis. Who says he has the Manuscript. Ryan: Show it to me. Mudlap: Are you crazy? It's hid. Hid where no one's going to find it but me. But I'll take you there. Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap! Mudlap: Manuscript's not theirs. It's yours. NC (Voiceover): Has anyone noticed how incredibly boring this is? Mudlap: You want to stay here forever? NC (Voiceover, moaning): BOO-RRRR-ING!! Mudlap: Never see your family? Ryan: No, look. I can't leave them. They need me here. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): Oh look, he's captured again. Gee, I hope there's someone to rescue him making this moment entirely pointless. NC (Voiceover, sarcastic): And the boredom comes full circle. Master Chung: Komodo's lies have blinded your vision. NC: You know, I don't think that blurry vision is going to make two people talking seem more exciting. It's-it's still boring. NC (Voiceover): So we cut to the Warriors as they plan to sneak into the palace to get the book back. Chi: Yun, it's too easy. Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap! Yun: Elysia? Elysia (giggling a bit): Oh! Are you really that surprised, Yun? NC (mimicking Elysia with a valley girl accent): Cha! Like, it was a life! Komodo: Thank you for hanging around. NC (Mimicking Komodo and waving his hand in an over the top dramatic fashion): Yes, I just said that line. We at the world of Tao have no cinematic shame! Komodo: You can't come uninvited into MY LAIR! Animals that you are. And I'll enjoy your life spring for dessert! Yun: NO!! Komodo: YEEES!!! NC: Now allow me to continue SHOUTING AT RANDOM! NC (Voiceover): So he tries to drop them in a mechanical slicer and dicer, but they manage to escape. So you'd think this would mean the action is on, right? No! We still have more scenes of Pop Tao philosophy! Master Chung: What matters is not what you gain there, but in your heart. NC: You know what? Screw it! I'm just gonna see how the Bears are doing. Ryan: I want it to be strong... like it is now. Master Chung: Do you consider the Warriors of Virtue strong? NC (cheering): Go! Go! Go! Damn those Packers! Master Chung: Those like Komodo use Negative Kung to kill and destroy. NC (Voiceover): But Komodo finally arrives to turn up the heat. NC (Voiceover): What is this guy's problem? Is he just hyped up on ecstasy? NC (Voiceover): Why are you even intimidated by him? The guy's hilarious! It's like he gets sillier and sillier as the movie goes on. NC (Voiceover): So he kills Master Chung as the rest of the village is under attack. Ryan is kidnapped again, and is taken to the lava lamp palace. Elysia: Ryan, I wanted to tell you. Ryan: You're on his side. You're a traitor! Elysia: No! Listen to me, Ryan! Let me explain. NC (mimicking Elysia): IT WAS A LIFE! That's all I got. Elysia: Please lis- NC (snickers and places his hands over his face): Oh my God... Komodo: Looking for me? NC (voiceover): This guy is too much, he's gonna to make me pee! Komodo: I know your sorrow. I know your loneliness. Look at me! Look at me! NC (Waves his hand in a dramatic fashion): I'm off my bi-polar depression pills. (Gets hyped up before becoming depressed again) Komodo: I am proud to be your destiny. (Gets close to Ryan's face) No one will ever laugh at you again, I promise you that. NC (eyes drafting back and forth): Uh yeah. If this guy is telling you he can make nobody will laugh at you, I wouldn't trust him. Komodo: Read me the book. What does it say? NC (Voiceover): And then in one of the most oddest moments, and trust me, that's saying a lot, Ryan says one of the most bizarre things in a kid's movie. Ryan: Shit happens. Komodo: Shit... Ryan: Happens. Elisia: Shit happens. Komodo: Shit.. NC: Dude, guys, what's with the potty mouth? Like three more of those and you get a PG-13. Komodo: You can't read the book, can you? CAN YOU!?! NC (Voiceover): Ba-Gawk! NC (melodramatically with his arms raising in front of the camera): SALTO! NC (Voiceover): So Ryan gets away, Elysia is killed and Komodo keeps mugging. Komodo: I want him alive! (yells) NC (chuckles): I love this guy! Why doesn't he have his own Saturday morning cartoon show? NC: So Ryan escapes an entire army of soldiers as Komodo follows him to the captured village. So he inspires the rest of the fish-lipped donkeys to whip out their stale macaroni and cheese swords and battle Komodo for the final time. Yun: You've come uninvited to our life spring, Komodo. This is our home. Komodo: Warriors, come out and play! Ha-Ha! NC: Alright. It's official, this guy is one of the missing Looney Tunes. NC (Voiceover): But it turns out Komodo has a sur-ur-ur-ur-ur-prise! NC (Voiceover): Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's not enough Ritalin in the world to handle five of you! NC (Voiceover): Jesus, it's like Mortal Kombat in a petting zoo. How's this supposed to be taken seriously? NC (Voiceover): And just to make it even more annoying, the whole entire climax is shot in that damn blurry vision! I am dead serious. We finally get some good action and we can't make any of it out! NC: It's like watching Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon while you're doing this. (Shakes his head wildly) What's the point? NC (Voiceover): While the kid starts to sum up my reaction to the movie, he finally figures out how to read the book and defeat Komodo. It turns out the warriors have to combine their magic medallions together. Yun: The medallions! Water! Chi: Fire! Lai: Wood! Tsun: Earth! Captain Planet (theme song playing in the background): By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! NC (mimicking Komodo, waving and moving around): No! I have so much more scenery to chew! Chi: Ryan sacrificed himself to save us. Komodo expended his energy. NC: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever! Just get to the part where they send him home. Brad: Are you in or out, Jeffers? NC (Voiceover): Oh no! The movie's starting all over again! AHHH!!! NC (Voiceover): So this time around, he doesn't cross the beam and instead goes home. Good God, I've never been more relieved to see boring suburbia. So Ryan goes home, kisses his mother goodnight and then takes another look at...the cocoon from earlier. Huh. I guess they forgot to write this into the story. Ryan: Hey Bravo, want to hear about Tao? NC (gruff dog voice): RUFF! You mean Dao, you dumb shit? NC (Voiceover): So that's Warriors of Boring--I mean Virtue. NC: And I have to admit for a movie about...martial arts kangaroos that battle an over actor with black mascara? I'm pretty underwhelmed. NC (Voiceover): It's just boring. In every comprehension of the word. The kangaroos have no character, the kid is not interesting, the philosophy is phoned in, world is unimaginative, only thing I kind of liked in this movie is that weirdo villain. And that's just because he's so over the top bad. Now to be fair this guy has done a lot of good series of work... Posters of Braveheart and Titus are shown. NC (Voiceover): Like Braveheart, Titus and so forth. So I really credited this more to bad directing than to bad acting. But hey, it was entertaining, which is more than I can say for the rest of this stupid film. NC: My advice: If you really want to see this film, just watch... Posters of Kangaroo Jack and Enter the Dragon are shown. NC (Voiceover): Kangaroo Jack and Enter the Dragon... NC: Both at the same time while doing this. NC: That at least would be entertaining. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to.
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