| abstract | - NC: Where are you calling from, anyway? Terl (vo): (we see an exterior shot of his ship floating through space) My ship, of course. Not quite as cozy as your home, (back inside the ship) but it will suffice until I see your day in court. NC: And when's that? Terl: Uh, last I looked... 20 years. NC: What the fuck? Why so long? Terl: Apparently, they didn't think the case was very important. NC: Or they thought YOU weren't very important. Did they even believe you were an alien? You look like Coolio trick-or-treating as Jack Sparrow. Terl: Oh, so that's how it is. Well, I will make you pay for destroying my life. Consider this my vow. Terl (vo): I will not rest until your body is in ashes. Oh, there's no place high or low. I've marked every by-way and path you know! I will climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow! NC: (Starting to head downstairs) Hey, listen, can you legally do anything to me? Terl: No... Voice: Critic. NC: ...Ma-Ti? NC: Spoony! What are you doing here? Have you lost your mind? Spoony: (sounding a bit like Ma-Ti throughout this scene) Help me, Critic! Take me home! NC: Spoony. Spoony, we are home. My home. Get out. Spoony: Then there's still time. Search for my body. Find the hole. NC: OK, there is no way I am reaching for your hole. Spoony: The hole. It's coming! NC: Please say no more about your coming hole. Spoony: (putting his hand on Critic's head as Ma-Ti did before) Remember. Remember. NC: I think you need a doctor. (Spoony falls on him, his hand still on NC's face as they both lay on the floor) Ah. Now I need a doctor. Linkara: I just don't know, Paw. You want to take my spaceship to go investigate some beeps in space? Paw: It's not just beeps in space! The government's trying to cover it up! I tried calling NASA about this, but they treated me like I was crazy. Linkara: What'd you tell them? Paw: That I'm an internet reviewer who needs a spaceship. Linkara: Sounds sane to me. Paw: Oh, come on! You're the only reviewer I know who has a spaceship. Where'd you get that thing anyway? Linkara: Oh, it's explained in my videos. ...You have watched my videos, right Paw? Paw: ...Course I do... Linkara: Then tell me, what's Mechakara? Paw: ...Jambi's magic words? Linkara: It's my psychotic robot double! How does my theme song go? Paw: Um... "I met you on a Thursday..." Linkara: What do I review, Paw?! Paw: ...Lamps? Linkara: Goodbye, Paw. (Hangs up) Reporter (v/o by Holly Christine Brown): And in other news, police are baffled by a string of shootings in the Minneapolis area. The targets are all white males in their 20s who work online from home and have ties to the comic book industry. Linkara: Huh! Glad that doesn't affect me any. (There is a knock at the door) Coming! (at his front door) Lamps. Who is it? Robot voice: Special delivery. Linkara: I didn't order anything. Robot voice: ...Candygram. Linkara: Must be from another admiring fan. Well, buck up. (We see the front of the door with Post-It saying "RENT DUE! -Management") Mechakara: Linkara! Linkara: Yes I'm... (As he opens the door, he finally notices who it is) gonna go get him. (He tries to leave, but Mechakara's hand blocks Linkara from shutting the door) NC: Yeah, the doctor's looking at him now. We don't know what's wrong with him. Oh, hold on, I got a call on the other line, Sage. Hello? Linkara (vo): (lasers shooting in the background) Critic! NC: Linkara? Linkara (vo): Critic! Help! He's gonna kill me! NC: Look, Linkara. I need to go. The doctors need to talk. Linkara (vo): Critic, NO! (NC hangs up as the doctors begin to discuss their findings) Dr. Tease: Well, from all outward appearances, Spoony seems to be completely normal. Dr. Block: Yes. "Normal." Tease: All except for his saxophone-shaped penis. NC: Penis? Block: Yes. Tease: But we all know about that. NC: We did? Block: Of course. Tease: The problem seems to be inside his head. NC: Which head? Tease: His brain. Block: Not his penis. NC: Penis? Tease: No, but thanks for offering. Block: We shall have to examine Spoony's head. NC: His brain? Tease: No, his penis, but we should do that too. Make a note of that. Block: I think we'll find that Spoony is suffering from an acute case of CCFCP. NC: Which is? Tease: Coo-Coo For Cocoa Puffs. Block: It's a technical term. You can find it in the DSM-4 right next to Fruity As A Nutcake. Tease: And when abbreviated, it has the exact same number of letters as the word "penis." NC: Penis? Tease: Maybe later. Don't worry. (The doctors lift up Spoony from his chair, placing each of his arms around their necks) We'll take good care of Spoony. Especially his head. NC: You mean penis. Block: Pervert! (The doctors leave to take Spoony to their examination room) NC: (out loud to himself) Why do I talk to people? Henchman: Sir, direct call from... you-know-who. Terl: (obviously concerned) Send it to my office. Terl: What is thy bidding, Executor? Executor: There is a great disturbance in the hole. Terl: ...Have you tried Preparation H? Executor: Not that hole. (Points up) It. Terl: Oh, that. Executor: Yes. I sense a great disturbance in the Spoony One. The hole's reach is strong in him. He must not be allowed to turn. Terl: He's just a critic. Executor: In our line of work, critics are a dangerous thing. Terl: But if he could be turned? Executor: Then he could be a valuable ally. Terl: Yes, and with the Critic under house arrest, there'd be no one to stop us. Executor: Then so be it. Everything must go according to plan. The hole must remain anonymous. Soon there will be a new order. Without a critic to stop us, the Internet will be ours, and then we shall have ... peeaacccce. Terl: Soon the Critics will be crushed, and the Spoony One will be one of us! Executor: Wait, that's totally my line. Terl: What? Executor: We're doing Jedi now, right? You totally stepped over my line. Terl: Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were doing Sith! Executor: No, we're doing both. See, you're doing Vader. I'm doing the Emperor. Sorta of a catch-all. Terl: Oh, I get it now. Maybe we could start over and... Executor: You know, I think that ship has sailed. Just forget about it. Find Spoony. Terl: It'll be difficult. I'm not exactly sure where he is. Hold on, I've got Hologram Waiting. Executor: You will not put me on hold- Terl: Hello? Prick: Hello. My name is Prick. Lame R. Prick, and I hear you're having a problem with... critics. Terl: Yeah. So? Prick: I think we can come to an arrangement that has both our interests in mind. Mechakara: Don't worry, you pathetic organic vermin. (He holds up Malachite's Hand) Once the secret power behind this is deciphered, (we see Mechakara standing) all of your petty meat-bag troubles will be over with. Nobody will even know you're gone. (He shuts the door, leaving Linkara, who faints on the floor) Robot: IT'S CALLING YOU... NC: Who? Who's calling me? LAG: (in a British accent a la Sir Alec Guinness) I think you know. NC: Last Angry Geek! What are you doing here? How'd you get inside my house? Didn't you try to kill me last year? LAG: This is about Ma-Ti. Your front door was unlocked. And yes, I would've gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you pesky kids. NC: Well, why are you here to talk now? LAG: All in good time, Critic. First, there is urgent business I must take care of. (They both intensely stare at each other. Cut to Critic looking pissed off in his room as we hear a toilet flush. We see LAG come out of the bathroom) I apologize for any horrors you may face in there, Critic. Taco Bell is a harsh mistress. NC: Well, thank you for the lovely gift. Can you go now? LAG: No, there is something important that we must discuss. NC: Tft. Yeah. Ma-Ti, right? What do you have to say about him? LAG: Why, Critic? Why did you leave Ma-Ti in that oatmeal can? NC: We all thought he was dead. We cremated him. That usually does the trick. LAG: Only his body was dead. Critic. His character survived. NC: His what? LAG: His character. That part of him that lives on in his role. Darrin from Bewitched. Becky from Roseanne. Doctor Who. James Bond. Clarice. Dumbledore. Different bodies, but the character survives. As he survives... (points at NC) in you. NC: (after a long pause) What the hell are you talking about? LAG: Share your thoughts with me. Critic. A Nerd Meld: our minds as one. NC: You want to go inside my mind? LAG: Yes. NC: ...Do I have to? LAG: (quickly) YES! NC: Okay, okay. (LAG reaches for him when Critic grabs his arm) Just, if there's any naked images of Orlando Bloom in there, just know I thought he was a girl. LAG: We all did, Critic... We all did. NC: All right. All right. LAG: He spoke of your friendship. The needs of the many... outweigh... NC: ...the needs of the few. LAG: Shut up, I'm talking. NC: (annoyed) Sorry! LAG: (continuing to meld; after a while, he concludes:) There's nothing in there. NC: Oh, come on. That's a little harsh. LAG: No, I mean, there's nothing of Ma-Ti in there. I apologize, Critic. I did not know. He never melded with you. (starts to walk away) And thus, everything he is or ever was... is lost. NC: (thinks for a moment, then goes after LAG, saying this off-screen) Wait. Maybe not. SFG (vo): You know, guys, this could be the greatest discovery of our time. Something this massive and powerful could change everything. CR (vo): Hey, uh, you don't think this thing could be related to Spoony, do you? Paw (vo): I don't know, but until we do, we may want to keep this thing under wraps. You never know who might be listening. SFG (vo): Oh, come on. Nobody's listening to a bunch of geeks, and besides, I got all the equipment to study this thing. SFG (vo): If something goes wrong, we'll still have everything documented. God strike me down if I'm wrong! Paw: (getting concerned) Sc-Sci-Fi-Guy! Sci-Fi... What happened? Joe, satellite feed. Joe: (looking at his terminal) ...Dude, you are not going to believe this: His house just wiped out. It came from wherever that signal came from. (looks at his camera) I think he's dead. Paw: (in a dramatic manner) No. No. No. (looks up to the sky and shakes his fist) SCI-FI... (is quickly interrupted; his demeanor changes on a dime) Oh, hang on. Hang on. I got another call. (he's happy and smiling) Hey hey hey, Mom. Hey, hey, everything's good. I'm kinda in the middle of something, Mom. Can you give me a call back? Ok. L-Love you. Bye Bye. (blows a kiss; he then quickly reverts back to his original demeanor, looking up again) ...GUY!!! Spoony: Just where do you think you're going, Ma-Ti? Ma-Ti: I'm here to help the Critic! Spoony: It's far too dangerous... Ma-Ti: (Vulcan pinches him) I have no time to explain, Spoony. (Holds his hand to Spoony's head and whispers into his ring:) Remember. NC: Spoony. Of course! Spoony has his character. LAG: One dead, one flown over the cuckoo's nest. Both lost. I do not like this, Critic. Something's amiss. NC: Amiss? What do you mean something's amiss? Everything's finally starting to add up. LAG: Where did you get that battle footage? Who filmed it? Why is so well edited? When did Ma-Ti find the time to do this? There's no continuity. Things are starting to unravel, Critic. I sense a disturbance in The Plot. NC: The what? LAG: The Plot. Think of it as an unseen hand writing our every move. It guides us, surrounds us, directs us, gives our story arcs purpose. I've been studying The Plot for some time now, hence the smelly robe. NC: Yeah. (waves his hand in front of his face) I was going to ask about that. LAG: In a perfect world, The Plot should flow, but now... I have to go. NC: Again? God, how many chimichangas did you eat? LAG: (annoyed) No, I mean, I must leave! I'm sorry. NC: Leave? But why, we're finally starting to solve the problem here. LAG: No, Critic. They're only beginning. (Turns around to reveal he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt) I sense a great evil. I must confront it alone, but if I should fail - (in his normal voice) and given how I'm dressed, that seems more than likely - (back in his accent) it will fall to you and your friends to defeat it in a suitably heroic fashion. Find Spoony. Listen to everything he has to say. All hope now lies with him. NC: (quickly looks away for a half-second) But I can't with the... LAG: (Pops up from below, speaking normal again) No, just kidding, I'm still here. NC: Oh! (chuckles) That's good. LAG: See ya. (he leaves) Tease: Now, I don't want you to be alarmed, Spoony. This is just a device to monitor your conscience. Whatever you think will appear on the screen. Block: Oh, and just so you feel comfortable, we invited a few of your friends. Snob: Hey, sexy. Luke: Hey! You're looking good. How are ya doin'? Sage: Hey, how's it going, man? Spoony: Cinema Snob. Sage. Luke. What are you doing here? Luke: Oh, uh, Cinema Snob is taking me under his wing. He's teaching me how to be a, um, (reads his notes) "pompous, slimy, cynical know-it-all", just like a real critic. Snob: And you've chosen a very good teacher. Block: OK, here's how it works- Luke: That read was flat and unconvincing! Snob: Nicely done. Luke: Thank you. Block: (confused) ...Here's how it works. You subjects will ask Spoony a series of questions so that his subconscious will answer them here. (motions to the computer screen they have) Tease: We'll begin with some rudimentary questions. Gentlemen, proceed. Sage: OK. (Holds up a card) Um, Spoony, what are you thinking about right now? Spoony: Umm... Computer Screen: Friday by Rebbecca* Black._ Spoony: Wait a minute, I never said that!! Tease: But your mind did! Block: Isn't science embarrassing? Spoony: My mind did not say that. Computer: Yes, It did._ Spoony: No, it didn't! Computer: Yes, It did._ Spoony: No, it didn't!! Computer: You're still thinking about it._ Spoony: Well, now I am because the damn machine put the song in my head! Computer: Liar._ Snob: All right. All right. Now, let's get real. Spoony, how often do you listen to Rebecca Black? Spoony: Never! Computer. 12 Times a Day._ Luke: Why do you like her so much? Spoony: I don't! Computer: She reminds me of my long lost sister._ Sage: Wait a minute. You had a sister? Spoony: No! Computer: Yes._ Sage: And she reminded you of Rebecca Black? Computer: Yes._ Spoony: (getting frustrated) This isn't happening!! Snob: Spoony. Were you sexually attracted to your sister? Spoony: What the fuck kind of question is... Computer: Yes._ Tease: (writing down notes) This is gold! Spoony: (agitated) Can we change the subject, please? Sage: All right. All right. All right. All right. ...Spoony, what do you really think of Highlander 2? Computer: Wasn't that bad._ Snob: Mazes and Monsters? Computer: Tom Hanks is dreamy._ Luke: The last 4 Final Fantasy games? Computer: Guilty pleasures._ Luke: Wow. You are such a phony! Spoony: (angry) Moving on, please!! Block: Uh, the machine works. Get to the real questions. Snob: Hmm. (To Luke) Remind me to ask him if he's a transvestite. Computer: Yes._ Spoony: DAMN IT! Snob: I love this thing. Nostalgia Chick: Hello! What part of Rocky Horror Picture Show crossover review did you not understand? NC: Uh. Come on in, Nostalgia Chick. It's a long story. (she enters but briefly stops when NC points at those clothes) You're gonna wear those, right? NChick: Nnnope. NC: Yeah, I always knew I'd pay for my crimes against humanity. I just thought it would be someone from humanity, you know. I mean, I really... (Sees the Chick at his computer) Who are talking to? NChick: No one. Todd in the Shadows: (On the other end) I swear to God, if you call again, I will get a restraining order- NC: (Sighs) Really? You're still after that Todd in the Shadows guy? NChick: I don't know. (almost becomes infatuated, thinking of Todd) There's just something about a guy in a mask whose clearly hiding some deep emotional damage. Sexy, you know? NC: (sits down in his recliner) Oh, you mean, like the mystery about why he has the hots for Obscurus Lupa? NChick: Uh. That Bozo the Cow? What does that 10-dollar box-dying hair tard have that- I mean, he has the hots for her? NC: (after giving Chick a puzzling look, he sets down his coffee) What really concerns me is this whole Spoony/Ma-Ti thing. That and these weird dreams I've been having. NChick: Oh, you're concerned about your dreams now? NC: Yeah, I know it sounds stupid but at the same time, a lot of weird, stupid stuff has been happening, it's kinda hard not to notice. The especially weird thing is that every time I get one of these dreams ... I feel like it's calling me someplace. NChick: Calling you... NC: I know. I know it sounds crazy. It's totally insane, but every single time I get one of these dreams, I feel like it's calling me to someplace important, someplace where I belong, someplace ... where I can make a difference. (grows really concerned as Chick looks on) I don't know what's going on, but... I just want to find out what's calling me. NChick: (goes over to NC and kneels next to him) Critic. Do you think that maybe you could ... find the energy in you so you could ... give me Lupa's phone number so we could prank call her? NC: (after a few seconds) Yeah, I could use the entertainment. (Chick is happy as they both go to prank Lupa) Block: Spoony. I want you to try and remember what happened when you entered the Critic's house. Spoony: Well, I, um... Tease: Increase span width to his brain! Get us back in sync. Block: That's what I'm doing! Spoony: What's going on? Tease: It's all right, Spoony. Everything's fine! (To Dr. Block) Everything's not fine. (To Sage) Ask him the questions from Set B. Sage: (holding up the cards) OK, um... What is your name? Spoony: Spoony. Computer: Ma-Ti._ Tease: Keep asking! Sage: After the fight with the Gauntlet, you left Arizona. Where did you go? Spoony: What do you mean? I never left. Computer: Orbiting the Planet Jupiter._ Luke: Jupiter? Snob: Why were you at the Critic's house that night? Computer: Phone Home._ Sage: Phone Home? Snob: Spoony, where do you think we are right now? Spoony: What? In this room. Computer: The Jovian Moon of Europa._ NChick: (Southern accent) And so, as the head of the FAA, we would like for you to stop dying your head that horrible red so our pilots will no longer be blinded by your hellishly slutty colors. Lupa: Ooh. Thank you, Mrs. Secretary, and so long as we're talking about air space, you might want to put Nostalgia Chick on your maps. Her obviously padded bra is much too large. And if an Argentinian soccer team crashes under her breasts and are forced to eat themselves... NChick: (hangs up) Damn, she's good. (Critic curiously checks out her bra then looks away) Hey, what's that? NC: Did you push anything? NChick: No... Sage: How did you get to Europa? Spoony: What are you talking about?? Computer: Through the hole._ Snob: The hole? NC: (Typing, not speaking) Hello? Computer: Is this the Critic? NC: That depends. Who is this? Computer: Ma-Ti. NC (both he and Chick look disbelieving) Ma-Ti, huh? Back from the dead? Computer: Ask Spoony, He'd Remember. (Critic and Chick look concerned) Why did you abandon me, Critic? NC: Turn this off. NChick: (presses a button) I can't. NC: What? NChick: (starts frantically hitting many buttons) I can't. It won't let me! Computer: Why did you leave me to die? Block: Of course, wormhole theory! It's the only way he could travel. Tease: It's the only logical explanation. Sage: But how does that work? Luke: What's going on? Block: He's... showing us... NC: See if this is happening on your computer. NChick: Yeah. (Heads upstairs) Snob: Looks like Stephen Hawking's grocery list. Tease: Who knows what's in this guy's head? Block: It could take eight Will Huntings to decipher this hole. Spoony: (becoming worried) I don't think I like this... Block: Spoony, where is the hole? Snob: What's he doing? Tease: He's searching through star charts. Block: Our computers don't have this information! NChick: It's on all of the compu... ters... (notices the computer screen) Tease: Spoony, is this the hole? (She points to the screen as the anomaly from before comes on screen and grows bigger) Computer: Yes._ NC: (pointing at Chick) That was definitely meant for you. NChick: (looks back at NC, giving an exasperated sigh) Uh! To Be Continued...
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