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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:ThaBritMan/Hentai
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| rdfs:comment | - I'd Just like to say if you do review this for me I will personally thank you as i have posted a few articles and none yet have been reviewed. --Cool I Get A Signature 22:23, November 25, 2011 (UTC) I'll get it. If you want to personally thank me I can email you my address. -- 13:47, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
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| Mcomment | |
| Pcomment | - 4.102488E8
- First of all you need to be consistent in your writing style. You need to find your "voice". For an article that is just generally about something interesting, I would usually recommend the encyclopaedic style. It's up to you of course, but if it's all over the place like it is now then it's going to look sloppy and confusing.
Intro
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| Icomment | - For something that is so visually interesting I'm very surprised there aren't more images here. You don't really even have any images of hentai, expect the Pikachu thing, which is just more frightening than funny. And no main image in the first paragraph? This is important for introducing the style and theme of the article, as well as gripping your reader. Images also just make things look prettier, you know?
The Pikachu one is ok, but I'm not really a fan of the dead bodies one. I suppose it kind of fits in with your "hentai is real" idea, but unless you make this the foundation of your article, I would get rid of it. Remember when you strengthen your concept that your images will also have to be consistent.
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| Ccomment | - You don't seem to demonstrate much knowledge of hentai, I would recommend you read the Wikipedia article on it. I've skimmed it and it's quite an interesting read. Your history of hentai is very much lacking in accuracy and besides Pokémon you don't even discuss any contemporary examples. You also need to settle on how you want to portray hentai. For some of the article you treat it truthfully, at other times you make up crazy lies. Either is fine but you can't do both; it's too confusing. Pick one stance and stick to it. For instance, it could be quite humorous and ironic to pretend that all animé is hentai, or that hentai is live-action.
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| Hcomment | - First of all, the Oscar Wilde quote. These are generally to be used sparingly, because the Oscar Wilde quotes thing kinda got boring years ago, and this one in particular doesn't really seem to make much sense. I'd just get rid of it. Remember, brevity is important in comedy.
More generally, the intro can get a little confusing at times, and some of the prose isn't very well put together. In this part of the article, you're supposed to introduce your subject as well as the style of humour you're going to use. In yours, I'm a tad confused as to what you're trying to say. At times it sounds like you're conflating animé and hentai, like where you say Pokémon was the first hentai. But then at other times you talking about it more truthfully, like where you say it entails "octopuses raping thirteen year olds". So which is it? Are you going to pretend animé is just basically hentai? Or are you going for a more realistic approach?
Origins
- Again it's confusing - you say hentai originated on the internet but obviously it predates the internet by... well... ages.
The Pikachu joke is pretty good, but it's probably the only discernible joke in there. Remember, be as funny as you can at all times! Look at each of your sentences and see how you can twist them to make a joke. Mislead the reader and then deliver a good punchline - that is essentially how you make people laugh, it's all about surprise.
Style of Hentai
- I don't really know what you're trying to say in this section, especially the Halo part. Not everyone in the universe has played Halo, myself included, so try not to assume that they have. The rest of the section seems to just be about octopus-like things outside of hentai. I don't really see how that's relevant to be honest. I mean, you could probably mention somewhere in the article that "going on the octopus ride at the fair will never be the same again after watching hentai", but to have a whole section dedicated to something like this seems plucking at thin air.
Animal/Human Rights Activists
- Again, your jokes here could use a little work. Take a look at this: "The style of Hentai is easily recognized either by it's colours, lack of a plot and the look on your face when you watch it". I see what you're trying to do; you're trying to suggest watching it is very disturbing. But your punchline could be stronger, and it could do with a better set up too if people are actually going to laugh. Something like this might work better: "Hentai can be recognised by its colourful animation, simple storylines and the profound feeling of shame one feels when watching it." This isn't a hilarious example I know, but I think it says what you're trying to say a little more effectively. It keeps the encyclopaedic tone and flows a lot better. See if you can remodel some of your other jokes in the article along these lines.
Examples
- Here your idea suddenly changes again. Now hentai is apparently real, and requires real-life octopuses and virgins for its production. By the end it seems to turn into a bit of a rant against charitable organisations, which is even more irrelevant to the matter at hand. You also start addressing the reader personally, which doesn't make much sense either, and start saying things like "we recommend this" and "we recommend that". But who is "we"? Overall it looks a bit sloppy and could do with some more work.
To wrap up this section I'm just going to add this: as a whole you could do with more jokes in the article. If you're writing a comedy article, basically every sentence should either contain a joke or set up a joke. Obviously sometimes you're going to need exposition, but there's no reason you can't make this funny too. I would highly recommend you get the joke ratio up. Look at some of our best of, and see how they have a hell of a lot of good jokes. This should be what you aim for.
- Ok so what you have here is a good start, but there are a few things you should probably take another look at.
Intro
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| Fcomment | - Ok, so a little bit more work and this should be a better article in no time. Try to get a few more jokes in there give it a very, very thorough proofread . I would also recommend you read our featured articles and our writing tips for a better idea of what passes for humour around here. Sure, the article has a few flaws but don't let it get you down, most people's early articles aren't masterpieces. Apart from that, good work. If there's anything I've said here that you want me to explain better, or if you want my opinion on anything I might have missed, or even if you're just lonely, please let me know on my talky page and I'll try to help. Keep up the good work and I hope the review is ok.
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| Signature | |
| abstract | - I'd Just like to say if you do review this for me I will personally thank you as i have posted a few articles and none yet have been reviewed. --Cool I Get A Signature 22:23, November 25, 2011 (UTC) I'll get it. If you want to personally thank me I can email you my address. -- 13:47, January 7, 2012 (UTC)
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