| abstract | - Wiggum: Here is a photo of the fugitive from our files. [holds up picture of Homer in a "Haig in '88" T-shirt] And now, Waylon Smithers, uh, who's been a real good sport about that wrongful arrest thing... whew! Heh... has a, er, statement that he would like to make. Waylon? Smithers: Thank you. As Montgomery Burns' closest friend, I am certain there's nothing he would want more than swift, brutal revenge against Homer Simpson. Therefore I am offering a $50,000 reward for his capture: dead or alive. [everyone bustles off] Wiggum: Oh, wow. Me first! Me first! Burns: Homer Simpson? Homer: So, you finally learned my name, eh? Burns: [shaking head] Homer Simpson. Homer: I've got no time for your demented parlor games. You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you... [reaches to strangle Burns] Apu: Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass. Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly! [they open the door] Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son! Homer: Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me. Burns: [grunting] What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me? Homer: [loses it] D'ohhh! [grabs a gun, cocks it as Burns' head] Say it, Burns: say I never shot you! Before. Burns: Shot? [chuckles] By you? I'm afraid not, my primitive friend. Your kind has neither the cranial capacity nor the opposable digits to operate a firearm. The one who shot me was--[looks around, sees his assailant] Aah! Aah! Aah! M-Maggie Simpson! Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence. Mr. Burns: (telling what happened after he got shot) Stricken, I lurched forth in search of aid, but finding only slack-jawed gawkers, I immediately gave up hope, and I collapsed onto the sundial. Lisa: Then, with your last ounce of strength, you pointed to W and S. Or, from your point of view, M and S: Maggie Simpson. Mr. Burns: What? No! With my last ounce of strength, I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have such sticky fingers. Marge: Well, I'm just glad you're back to full health and we can all get back to our everyday lives. And if Maggie could talk, I'm sure she'd apologize… Mr. Burns: I'm afraid that's insufficient! (to Chief Wiggum) Officer, arrest the baby! Chief Wiggum: (chuckles) Yeah, right, pops! No jury in the world's ever going to convict a baby. (thinks to himself) Maybe Texas… Marge: Besides, she didn't mean it; it was an accident. (Maggie looks around in the room and sucks on her pacifier, which sound like muffled gunshots.) Eddie: [administering a lie detector test] Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns? Moe: No! [the test buzzes] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him. [ding] Eddie: Checks out. OK, sir, you're free to go. Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] _A_ date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. [buzz, he responds weakly] Sears catalog. [ding, he responds angrily] Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]
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