| abstract | - TBA
- Moxxi: I stashed some loot away for a special occasion -- guess this qualifies. Help yourselves. Jack: Alright, here we go, everybody. The jamming signal's down, we've got a robot army, and it's time to get back to Helios and turn off that death-laser. Lilith: Roland and I will head up with you guys and provide support. Moxxi: And I'll be cheerin' you on from the cozy confines of this cantina. Jack: I dunno how hairy things have gotten up there, so... be prepared for anything. Jack: Let's go. We'll fast travel up there first. You follow behind. Roland: If we don't shut that laser down soon, we can kiss this whole moon goodbye! Lilith: See ya on the other side, kiddo. Roland: What she said. Jack: Let's be heroes. Roland: Where is everybody? Lilith: Crap. I think we're on the other side of Helios. Jack: Crap. Looks like the fast travel split us all up. Doesn't change the plan, though: get to the Eye of Helios command center, shut the laser down WITHOUT damaging it, save the moon, and be hailed as a hero forever. Sound good? Course it does. Tassiter: John? W-what the hell are you doing?! I fired you! Jack: And you'll be thanking me once Helios is back in Hyperion hands. Tassiter: And what have you done to the station? The color scheme is all-- Jack: --Yeah, red and black were a little grim. Yellow POPS better, don't you think? Anyway, can't fire me, sucka, you already did! Later! Jack: Well, station still seems more or less in one piece. How about you? You holdin' up?
* Athena (if present): Don't understand the question. Heading to objective now.
* Wilhelm (if present): I felt bad for that AI we erased. Or I'm just jealous she got a cool robot body -- I dunno.
* Nisha (if present): Killin' that AI chick was pretty fun, so -- yeah. Feelin' good. thanks for askin'.
* Claptrap (if present): Ohhhh, just having an existential crisis about what we did to Felicity. If our personalities can be deleted at the drop of a hat, then what makes us, us? That kind of thing!
* Jack2 (if present): Yeah -- uh, feeling kinda bad about Felicity. I mean, not THAT bad. But, I dunno, yeah, kinda bad.
* Aurelia (if present): Oh, just trying to forget about Felicity and focus on enjoying my vacation. Jack: Alright, cool. I'll meet up with you later, we can talk some more then.
* Athena (if present): A Claptrap shop?
* Wilhelm (if present): That a claptrap shop?
* Nisha (if present): Is that a Claptrap shop?
* Claptrap (if present): (missing)
* Jack2 (if present): A claptrap shop?
* Aurelia (if present): A shop full of claptraps? So, hell's lowest tier, then. Jack: Yeah, the damn things break down so much we had to set up a little claptrap creation station. Lost Legion shut it down, but there's probably one or two claps still kicking around in there. Zarpedon: Jamming signal or no, this station is MINE, Vault Hunter. Jack: Gaah -- she's locked the path! We can't get to the Eye of Helios! But we shut down the jamming signal, I don't -- alright, whatever, just get back to my office. Maybe we can lower the defenses from there. Zarpedon: They've breached Helios -- intensify firepower! Jack: Oh, hell -- she's focusing the laser! Hyperion: Authorization required. Please step into the scanner. Hyperion: Please press the button to activate the scanner. Hyperion: Unknown user detected. Authorization denied. Jack: Rrrgh -- maybe you can get a CL4P-TP to authorize you. There should be one nearby.
* Jack (to human): And, uh -- sorry in advance.
* Jack (to Claptrap): Don't bother trying to open it yourself, Fragtrap. I wiped your door-opening functions when I filled your hard drive with weapons training and stair-climbing protocols.
* Claptrap (if present): WHAT HAVE I BECOOOOOOOOOME?! CL4P-TP: Hello! I am a CL4P--
* Athena (if present): --I need to get into Jack's office.
* Wilhelm (if present): --The door to Jack's office is locked and I need in.
* Nisha (if present): --Yeah, great. Need you to unlock Jack's office.
* Claptrap (if present): --Don't rub it in! I need you... (sigh) ... to open the door to Jack's office.
* Jack2 (if present): Stop talking. I just need a door opened.
* Aurelia (if present): Please take me to Jack's office with the absolute minimum of speaking. CL4P-TP: Okay! I shall lead the way!
* Claptrap (if present): You have no idea how lucky you are. Rolling around on your non-stair-climbing wheel, opening doors like it's no big deal. You have no idea how good you've got it. You disgust me. CL4P-TP: Is that the door? I'll have it open in no time! CL4P-TP: Hmm, the door's locked! I can easily override it at a panel nearby!
* Claptrap (if present): Oh my GOD I hate that guy so much! CL4P-TP: Aaaaand, open!
* Athena (if present): That wasn't the door I needed open!
* Wilhelm (if present): That ain't the door, you bucket of dumb!
* Nisha (if present): Wrong door, dumbass.
* Claptrap (if present): That wasn't the right door! You call yourself a claptrap?!
* Jack2 (if present): Wrong door, moron!
* Aurelia (if present): Wrong door, you inebriate! CL4P-TP: Oh, ginger snaps! Guess I'll have to start over!
* Athena (if present): You're kidding me.
* Wilhelm (if present): You're pissing me off, clap!
* Nisha (if present): Oh COME ON.
* Claptrap (if present): YOU ARE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO THE FAMILY!
* Jack2 (if present): GOD, YOU'RE SUPER STUPID!
* Aurelia (if present): This is why you NEVER use robot help! Hyperion: HVAC system overloaded. CL4P-TP: Oh look! It's -- it's snowing!
* Athena (if present): I don't care.
* Wilhelm (if present): SO THE HELL WHAT?!
* Nisha (if present): NOBODY CARES! Keep working.
* Claptrap (if present): I HATE SNOW! HURRY THE HELL UP!
* Jack2 (if present): JUST STOP SCREWING AROUND, YOU IDIOT!
* Aurelia (if present): Darling, my patience is expiring at a CATACLYSMIC rate! Hyperion: Warning: wind speeds exceeding nominal values. CL4P-TP: Looks like I created a snow tornado! Hooray! CL4P-TP: I may screw up from time to time, but I love myself and that's what really matters!
* Athena (if present): NO IT IS NOT!
* Wilhelm (if present): NO IT AIN'T!
* Nisha (if present): NO IT ISN'T!
* Claptrap (if present): NO! IT ISN'T!
* Jack2 (if present): OF COURSE IT ISN'T!
* Aurelia (if present): It ABSOLUTELY is NOT! Hyperion: HVAC system equalized. CL4P-TP: Awwww! CL4P-TP: I'm moving to another fuse box! Follow me!
* Athena (if present): Uh-huh. Sure.
* Wilhelm (if present): Shut up and hurry!
* Nisha (if present): Yeah, I'm sure this'll work out great.
* Claptrap (if present): STOP TALKING AND GET IT DONE!
* Jack2 (if present): I'm so sick of you.
* Aurelia (if present): I grow TIRED of this! CL4P-TP: I think I got it! Somebody use the scanner, please! Hyperion: Access denied. Scans reveal subject is a cat wearing a birthday cap. Birthday Cat: Meow. Birthday Cat. I like to party. (note: these appear in random order) CL4P-TP: Whoopsie-daisy! I may have messed up the scanner. Give me a little bit more time! Birthday Cat: Yo. Birthday Cat. What's up? Birthday Cat: Meow. Where's the party? Birthday Cat: Hey everybody. Let's get meow. I mean... down. Birthday Cat: Alright, so, my thought on this is: ... Meow. Birthday Cat: Meow. Birthday Cat: Meow. This sin't even my hat. Birthday Cat: Meow. I'm 37. Birthday Cat: This party is going to be purr-fect. Meow. Birthday Cat: Meow. My girlfriend's name is Tanna. CL4P-TP: Alright, activate the scanner! I've probably got it right this time! Hyperion: Access denied. Scans reveal subject is a racist hot dog. Racist Hot Dog: I DON'T LIKE THESE TRUXICANS LOOKIN' AT OUR HAMSTERS! (note: these appear in random order) CL4P-TP: Darn! I was sure the racist hot dog workaround would do it! Oh well -- time to try again! Racist Hot Dog: GO BACK TO THE LIBRARY, YA BOOK-READIN' TRUXICAN! Racist Hot Dog: WHOOOO-EE! I'M FULLA HATE! Racist Hot Dog: GET OFF MY LAWN YOU MOSS-PUNCHIN' TRUXICANS! Racist Hot Dog: TRUXICANS'RE RUININ' THIS COUNTRY! Racist Hot Dog: WELL I SAY WE DEPORT ALL OF 'EM! ALLLLL OF 'EM! IT'S MY RIGHT! Racist Hot Dog: THESE GOD-DAMN TRUXICANS THINK THEY CAN DANCE BETTER THAN ME?! Racist Hot Dog: WHAT'RE YOU LOOKIN' AT MUSTARD-SNIFFER? Racist Hot Dog: I'M RACIST! Hyperion: Door interface unlocked. Please integrate with terminal to open door. Tiny Tina: Ooh, does the racist hot dog come back? Athena: No. Tiny Tina: WORST STORY EVER! CL4P-TP: Oh gee, I dunno about that. Integration can be kind of dangerous--
* Athena (if present): --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
* Wilhelm (if present): --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
* Nisha (if present): --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
* Claptrap (if present): --DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
* Jack2 (if present): DO IT OR I'LL KILL YOU.
* Aurelia (if present): DO IT OR I'LL HAVE YOU DISMANTLED AND-- CL4P-TP: O-kay! Hyperion: Integration commencing. CL4P-TP: Hghghghhghghghghghgghghghg! Hyperion: User authorized. Have a nice day. CL4P-TP: I'm... dying! I'm dying!
* Athena (if present): Noted.
* Wilhelm (if present): Ugh... poor robot.
* Nisha (if present): Cool. Nobody cares.
* Claptrap (if present): You disgraced the CL4P-TP name. And so I say to you: good day.
* Jack2 (if present): Awesome.
* Aurelia (if present): Well, karma does exist. Look at that. Tiny Tina: This is my favorite part of the story so far. Jack: Ah, you made it into the office? Great. Uh, do me a favor and turn on that fast travel in there, wouldya? Jack: For now, I need you to take that claptrap you found and plug him into the security terminal. He can lower the defenses leading to the Eye of Helios laser.
* Athena (if present): The claptrap died.
* Wilhelm (if present): That dumbass died.
* Nisha (if present): Uh, that claptrap kicked the bucket.
* Claptrap (if present): That inferior claptrap died when the going got rough.
* Jack2 (if present): The claptrap died, sir. Me. I mean... whatever. Dead, sir.
* Aurelia (if present): The claptrap is no more, I'm not at all sad to say. Jack: Are you KIDDING me?! I swear to god, if I ever become CEO I am going to destroy every last one of those friggin' things.
* Athena (if present): Good.
* Wilhelm (if present): Damn right.
* Nisha (if present): Kickass.
* Claptrap (if present): I'd disagree, but honestly, that guy was the worst, soooo...
* Jack2 (if present): Great.
* Aurelia (if present): Lovely! Jack: Now we can't lower the Helios defenses. Uhhhh... lemme think, lemme think, lemme think... Gladstone: Jack?! My team is pinned down in R&D -- we're bloody surrounded! Jack: Sorry, Gladstone, but I... Jack: ... just had an idea. Vault Hunters, get to R&D and rescue Gladstone's team. They can hack those defenses for us and open the way to the Eye. Jack: God, I'm smart. Jack: Hey, here's a thought, Zarpederp -- why don't you just NOT destroy the moon and kill hundreds of innocent people? Zarpedon: Hundreds now to save millions later. And my name is Zarpedon. Tungsteena Zarpedon. Jack: Paaahahahahah! Tungsteena Zarpedon -- you must have been SUPER popular in high school! My GOD, your parents were assholes! Gladstone: Oh, glad you made it! Come find me, but be careful -- the torks broke outta their cages. Gladstone: Kill those torks so we can talk! Jack: Now that I think about it, I do remember Gladstone. He helped set up R&D on his own -- hired the team all by himself, made a lot of pretty cool stuff. He's a decent enough guy. Gladstone: Never be safe so long as that laser's still firing. Gladstone: I think I can get you to the Eye of Helios. But I need some help. Gladstone: Sorry I messed up. I shouldn't have let myself get trapped in here.
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