| abstract | - Yellowfang gritted her teeth and paced back and forth between the pool and the stones surrounding it. Allowing it to draw her in for a moment, then pulling away. No one else was here. Yellowfang was glad for that- she didn't want to have to throw Spottedleaf or Bluestar out before beginning her moping. "Grow some claws," she muttered, "You're wallowing in the past and that's just about the stupidest thing you can do. You're not Cinderpelt or Bluestar- you made the choices in your life and you need to deal with them. You deserve it," Misery washed over her and she pushed it away, like she pushed away all the other feelings she couldn't deal with. Anger blazed up then and she held onto that- it was something tangible, something she could use. She sat, letting the anger pull her in, turning it towards herself. "You're being ridiculous," she snarled, "You didn't starve before life began, you didn't cripple yourself, you didn't give up anything for a good cause. You were a stupid she-cat who let stupid feelings get in the way of your stupid life and you let those stupid decisions haunt you for the rest of your life and after." But the waves of the pool called to her, drawing her in. "Enough!" she roared, jumping to her paws. The waves curled back as if they could sense the anger pulsing from her. But soon the waves were once again wearing at the shores of the stony path. Yellowfang felt her own resolve being worn away at. Her heart ached. She did not want to relive these things. It wasn't like this was something she'd never given a thought to- there were a thousand ways to ask the question answered, and if she asked it the wrong way she could be thrown into a life of agony. Fine Yellowfang, she thought, You want to go back into the past so bad? You think of a way to ask that doesn't result in Brokenstar killing you or Raggedstar going mad or any of the other terrible things you've managed to concoct these seasons. Yellowfang had truly meant to discourage herself, but she sat on the edge of the pool for the rest of the night, thinking. She only moved when the moon had begun to slip away and she heard a rustling in the bracken. "Just me," Cinderpelt meowed, revealing herself. Yellowfang relaxed and Cinderpelt sat beside her. The older medicine cat studied her apprentice for a moment. Since Cinderpelt had gone back to see what her life had been like if she hadn't broken her leg, the she-cat had become more serious, reserved. It broke Yellowfang's heart a little to see her lively apprentice grow up. But she also knew that the pain of coming back to a world where Fireheart had chosen Sandstorm and her leg was shattered was a pain that wouldn't just melt away. "You want to go back," Cinderpelt meowed without preamble. Yellowfang considered denying it for a moment, then nodded, not wanting her apprentice to remind her exactly how well she knew her old mentor. "But you can't think of a way to ask the question?" Cinderpelt asked, a little less sure now. There was any number of reasons Yellowfang might not have wanted to go back and this was just the most obvious. But Yellowfang nodded again. Cinderpelt sighed and looked upwards, thinking. "You want to see about Brokenstar...you need to know if you could have made it alright. But if you find out you could have it'll torture you forever because you could have saved everyone and didn't. And if you find out you couldn't have it will break your heart because he was your kit and you love him." "When did you get so smart?" Yellowfang asked wryly, "Last I remember you were worrying about whether or not you were fixing up your herbs right," Cinderpelt purred, but her blue eyes remained serious. "I don't think you should see about Brokenstar," she meowed gently. Yellowfang sighed, "What else is there to ask about?" she meowed weakly, "My entire life led up to that one mistake and my entire life afterwards was just misery because of what I'd done." "You need something...happy," Cinderpelt decided. She thought and her eyes brightened, "Didn't you say you had three kits?" "The two she-cats died," Yellowfang meowed bitterly, "All that was left was him," "So ask about if they had lived...and if Brokenstar had died in their place," Cinderpelt said cautiously. Yellowfang couldn't blame her- it wasn't the easiest thing to see what would and wouldn't offend her as far as Brokenstar was concerned. "You're right," Yellowfang meowed. And then she was suddenly gripped by a fear, "Cinderpelt- what if I don't get it right? What if it's all wrong and it still hurts? What if they're just like him?" "Shhh..." Cinderpelt soothed, her eyes bright. "You don't have to do it. But I think you should." Yellowfang looked at the pool and looked back to her apprentice, feeling very vulnerable, "You'll wait for me to wake up?" "I won't move a muscle." Cinderpelt promised. Yellowfang nodded, and uncertainly made her way to the pool. She held her breath and dived into the pool, tasting starlight and the salt of tears she hadn't realized she was shedding. And then it all vanished and she could smell toadstools and fear and pain and kits.
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