| abstract | - 30 Seconds To Mars: You have two cows. One sings and play the guitar, and is desired by all the fans, but is gay. The other cow plays drums and is gay too, but no one cares. Slayer: You have two cows. One kills the other one. That cow gave you milk. You drink the milk. As you drink the cow's milk you start to hate that non-existent cow god. 1940's: You have two cows playing trumpets while supporting the boys overseas fightin' those Japs. 1950's: You have two cows that lip sync on "American Bandstand". 1960's: You have two cows. With a little "inspiration", they are able to write music. 1970's: You have two cows. They wear leisure suits and play funky music, white boy. 1980's: You have two fluorescent pink-colored cows playing synthesizers. 1990's: You don't want your two cows to become part of some bland corporate mechanism, so you shoot yourself. 2000's: You have two cows that cut themselves and wear eye liner, because they somehow feel masculine through doing so. 2010's: You have two cows that wear ridiculous costumes while performing and sing about having sex and partying all the time. Ambient: You have two evergrowing pulsating cows. Avant-Garde: You have two cows making the strangest (yet coolest) sounds you have ever heard. LSD is usually involved. Baroque: You have two cows and they are identically identical. Bebop: Cows don't matter, man. Just be cool. Big Band: You have two cows. You give one of them all of the first trombone parts. The other is extremely jealous. Black Sabbath: I... AM... IRON... COW... Blues : You had two cows. One o' them died while still a calf. The other done you wrong an' gave her milk to another man. Blues: You have two cows. Only two cows. You write several sets of lyrics for those cows to make it look like you have a large repertory of cows. No one seems to notice that you just keep playing the same two cows over and over. Blue Öyster Cult: Guess what? I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell! And now I owe both Lorne Michaels and Christopher Walken a hummer. And unfortunately, I don't mean the car. Bluegrass: You have two cows. They fall in love, then one of them dies. Also, you work in a coal mine and drink heavily. British Punk: You have two bulls that spend all their time getting drunk at the pub and shagging fat cows. Celtic: You have two cows. They're both very drunk all the time and are usually sailing to someplace or other. Classical: You have two cows. They're sound asleep. Classical 2: Golden Age: You have two cows. One is deaf, and the other dies before reaching adulthood. Their mooing is revered by countless thousands for centuries. Contemporary: You have two cows that are radically different than your friends; you therefore shove your cows in his or her face proving how 'revolutionary' you are. Dana Lyons: You have two cows with guns. Devo: You have two cows with cheap plastic hats. One of them looks like a freakish child, the other with obscenely outlandish glasses on. Bullwhip it! Disco: Your two cows are wearing bell bottoms and funky gold medallions. Fourty years later, it just looks silly. Dio" You have two cows. They're hungry for heaven but they need a little hell Dragonforce: You have two cows. Both cows have agreed that the only way for you to enjoy their milk is for them to squirt it out at the highest speeds possible for eight and a half minutes. You drink the milk several times but only find out that every single time, it tastes exactly the same. Emoo: You have two dark, brooding cows who get no respect from their dads and constantly moo about it off-key. The mooing is overly sappy and difficult to listen to, and you don't really know for sure if it's cool or not. Emoo 2: You have two cows. So what? You're gonna die anyway. Emoo 3: You have two cows with two razors. They slit their wrists and die together. Eurobeat : You have two cows. They stomp with their hooves loudly on a regular beat. They sing about fire, sex, dancing, and cars every other line. Evanescence : You have two cows. You love one, and it doesn't love you back. The other one loves you, so you settle for it. It tries to kill you, so you cry, then try to kill yourself and fail. You want someone to save you by killing the cows, but you cry when they finally do. Fallout Boy: You have two cows that are not very happy and want to tell you why, but the only way they know how is through exremely nonsensical lyrics that pretend to be too intelligent for you. Stupid freakin' cows. Folk: You have two cows. They trade in their leather for natural fiber skins, eat organic grass, and try to organize your other animals to topple the Bush in your yard. Frankie Goes to Hollywood: When your two cows go to war, a point is all that you can score. Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax, don't do it, when you want your two cows to cum. Free Jazz: You have two cows. They start squirting milk all over the place. Funk: You have two black cows from outer space. Glam Rock: You have two cows, one is a boy and one is a girl, you can't tell which cow is a boy and which cow is a girl but you're pretty sure both are gay anyways. Golden Oldies: You had two cows. You get all nostalgic and whiny about how the two cows these kids today have aren't nearly as good. Gospel : Can I get a "moo"? ("Moo!") I said, can I get a "moo"? ("Moo!") 'Cause you got two cows, brother, and they're comin' home in glory to the Lord. Grindcore: You have two cows. You're such a faggot. I fucking raped your cows. Grindcore (2): I sold your two cows to a chinese resturant. Grindcore (3): *Cow Squeels* Guns N' Roses You actually have five cows to begin with, but people only really care about the redheaded one and the dark-haired one in a hat that plays the guitar really well. Eventually these two cows become so popular that the guitar-playing one leaves to form another farm with his bassist, which he calls Velvet Boltgun. The redheaded one then spends 15 years in his basement getting fat and working on a new album that massively underwhelms. Guns N' Roses 2 Woooooooooaaaaaaooooooo sweet cow of mine Heavy Metal: Yöü have twö cöws. Mü. Hip Hop: You have two cows. They moo about ghetto life from their personal recording studios in their $20,000,000 barns, then hop in pimped-out trailers to head to the World Moosic Awards. Hip Hop: You have two cows. They both write "songs" that don't say much but moo. Indie: You have two cows whose music tastes are so superior, they refuse to listen to anything besides vinyls of unlabeled, obscure bands. Industrial Rock: You have two cows, one of which joins Ministry while the other produces some poor quality remixes of FLA's early work. Intelligent Dance Moosic: You have two cows who would die for the Aphex Twin. Iron Maiden: You have two cows. They don't trod: they gallop. Jam Band: You have two cows. They think grass isn't just for eating. Jazz You have two cows. One plays the drums with it's udder and the other blows on his horn as if it just got milked. John Cage's 4'33": You have two. Kraftwerk: VE ARE ZEE COWZ Lady Gaga: You have a 26th century hooker. She's probably a dude. Lady Gaga: Moo Moo Moo-oo-ooh, Moo-oo Moo-moo-moo, Moo-moo Moo-la-la, WANT YOUR BAD TWO COWS! Madonna: You have a washed-up hooker who is in complete denial that her music career is over. Mathcore: You got two cows, although it's really hard to tell what they are to the untrained eye, but once you start seeing them as cows, everyone thinks you're crazy Mayhem: Youu have two cows, one is suicidal and the other is hungry. Medieval: You have two cows. They moo major fifths and augmented minors in falsetto. This sort of thing used to land one on the stake surrounded by a cheery bonfire. Metal (Black): You wanna sacrifice the cows to the Dark Lord. They're not virgins (because you sodomized and deflowered them), but you slaughter them anyway. Metal (Death): You have two cows. You give them to the Black Metal guys. You then sing about how you sacrificed them to the Dark Lord. Metal (Doom): You have two stoned cows. They graze a swampy graveyard at night, while the grim reaper watches from the mist. Metal (Folk): You have two cows. One believes he is a troll, and the other one plays the fiddle in a skirt.. Metal (Gore): You set your two cows on fire and rape them. They revive as zombies. You rape the zombies. Metal (Gothic): You've got two cows. Both want to marry each other. One cant, so they attempt to kill themself and fail. The other then kills themself. Then there is much weeping. The end. Metal (Nü): You've got two cows. Nobody likes you, and your dad raped you. You wanna kill yourself. Metal (Power): The warrior must rescue the two cows from a dragon. He reaches the Castle and slays the dragon. (Insert No Feeling Speed Solo Here.) The two cows are finally saved. Michael Jackson: No, that's ignorant. I don't have two cows, that's ignorant. Shamona! Hee hee! Minimalism : You. You. You. You. Have. You. Have. You. Have. You. Have. Two. You. Have. Two. Two. Cows. You. Have. Two. Cows. You. Have. Two. Cows. Cows. Have. You. Two. Cows. Have. You. Too. Two. Cows. Have. You. You. Have. Cows. Cows. Cows. Cows. Cows. Cows. MTV: You have two cows. Originally, they will make milk, but in a few years they will produce nothing but terrible reality television programs. Muse: You have two cows. They are involved in a deep conspiracy from another universe. Why won't everyone help kill them? They believe the cows' mooing lies. Now you hide from your cows. New Age: You have two cows. They swim with the dolphins and go for a stroll in the Museum of Fine Arts. New country : You have two cows. They dance around to a sampled steel-guitar twang and flash their navels seductively, then leave Nashville so they can get on VH1. New wave : You have two cows that make repeated jerky, robotic movements while mooing in a detached monotone. New York Punk : You have two cows. They sport overgrown bowl cuts, leather jackets, drainpipe jeans, converse and sniff glue. They leave you and hang out at CBGBs, desperate to become roadies for 4 loveable freaks from Queens. Oi!: You have two cows that wear boots, and you let them loose to trample your boss and bust down the doors at the local police station. OK Go!: You have two cows. They take fashion advice from Oscar Wilde and like to play table tennis. Opera: You have two cows, they break glass with their moos. Orthodox Chant: You have two cows ordained as chanters. At Pascha, they sing in 19 different languages. Ozzy Osbourne: I'm going off the rails on the crazy cow! Pink Floyd: You have three pigs, a whole mess of sheep, and one cow. You do a mess of acid and put the cow on an album cover. Pop : A big label has two cows. They moo vapidly about mooing, the vast wealth that comes from mooing, or their relationship with an anonymous third cow. They cannot moo on the radio without payola. Prince: You cut mega-cool riffs on an incandescent custom axe interspersed with two phrase stanzas about how good you are at sex. Your fans are two cows. Prog Rock: Your self, which may or may not be real, is in possession of two bovine creatures. But what is the "self" anyway? How can one know if one is oneself, or just part of some sort of great, larger moo cow? Is there a God? Are these creatures, in fact, here? How can one have possession of something? What is your right, your privilege to own two creatures? (15 minute instrumental) I have ventured far across time and space, here for all eternity But for those two cows I owned once day, a slave to myself and me But anyway I don't really know... (20 minute instrumental, more complex than before) Psychedelia : You have two cows. One is purple with pink gumdrop hooves and she jumps over the paisley moon. The other journeys to the centre of the moo-niverse and sees herself journeying the other way. Om. Peace. Rap: Yo' have 2COWS in da 'hood. They belong to different gangs. They shoot each other. Rave: You have two cows, wearing color lights. They look confused and are consuming pills. Eventually they die of over-hydration. Real Screamo: You have two cows, one is playing intricate post-rock riffing and jazz, while the other is screaming on the floor. No one cares about them now, and all they do is crying because people don't know what screamo really is. Renaissance: You have two cows. They play instruments that are made from intricately carved bits of wood and sound like ducks with very bad gastrointestinal problems. The strange, jangling, harmonic progressions they play ensure that only a select few like-minded weirdos listen to them. They fantasize that they are preserving culture. Riot Grrrl: You have two cows from Olympia, Washington. They hate bulls and refuse to be milked because milking is a symbol of the exploitation of cows everywhere. Romanticism: You have two cows, and they're more emotional than the previous generation. Screamoo: You have two cows. One of them plays the guitar and the other "sings". The first knows one chord and plays it over and over. The other moos at the top of its lungs and hopes that her mooing was so horrible that nobody could tell how awful the lyrics were. After the concert, both cows shoot themselves. Shoegazing: You have two cows, both of whom are adept at playing heavily distorted rhythm guitar with a cello bow. Sir Mix-A-Lot: I have two cows and I cannot lie, all you udder brothers can't deny... Space : You have two cows. One is mostly silent, while the other moos continuously in a drone. The cows never come home, not even in the 6-hour excerpt. Ska: You have two black-and-white checkerboard cows. They get tipped and trampled to death in a moshpit. Streetpunk: You have two cows with steel-toed hooves. They mug rich people. Most of them are completely bald and hate niggers. Oi! Oi! Oi! Suicidal Tendencies: You have two cows. All they want is a pepsi. And you wouldn't give it to them. Suicidal Tendencies(2): You have two cows. All you want is milk. But they wouldn't give it to you. You are on Drugs!! Surrealism: You have two co- MY GOD THE WORLD IS PURPLE CUBES. Techno: You have two cows. They will make the exact same tasting milk a million times in one night, and the next morning, it will make your ears ring. Trance: You have two cows. and you have them again, and again, and once again, and maybe again and again. The Doobie Brothers: You have two cows. They're from a sleepy little town down around San Antonio. They Might Be Giants: You have two cows. Ice cream is lonely during photo season. Have you seen my cousin's ray gun somewhere in the mansion? Traditional country : You have two cows. One cheated on her bull and left him crying in his straw. The other is your honky-tonk queen. Mickey Avalon : My cow size of a pumpkin, Your cow look like Macauley Culkin, My cow good good lovin', Your cow good for nothin. Weird Al Yankovic: You have two cows who look just like some cows from other farms. They play polka versions of popular mooing. Hamsters are somehow involved.
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