"Red_Sonja_logo.png"@en . "NC_Red_Sonja_by_MaroBot.jpg"@en . . "800175"^^ . "Red Sonja Chronology"@en . . . . . "NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako ... and why you DON'T want to mess with him. NC (Voiceover): Mako apparently was a very popular sort-of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I never heard of; Samurai Jack, which I never saw; and played Akiro the Wizard in \"Conan,\" which I barely remember. (Starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on the Critic) [Cut to the clip from the TMNT review] [Cut back to the present] THE END"@en . . . . . "Previous review"@en . . . . . . . . . . . . . "2009-05-05"^^ . . "none"@en . "Red Sonja"@en . . "Following the assault on her home and death of her family and livelihood at the hands of mercenaries, Red Sonja was visited by the goddess Scathath. Gaining unparalelled skill in battle in exchange for the promise to never love any man who could not beat her in fair combat, Red Sonja grew up to become a legendary adventurer, warrior, and eventually Queen of Sogaria. Her alliance/rivalry with Conan the Barbarian, too, is well renowned: the status of their relationship has varied over the years..."@en . . . "Red Sonja is published by Dynamite Entertainment. Price per issue is $3.99."@en . . . "90816"^^ . . "Red sonja"@nl . "__TOC__"@en . . . . "__TOC__"@en . . . "Next review"@en . ""@en . . "Conan the Barbarian #23"@en . . "Pencils by John Cassaday."@en . . "Hyrkanian"@en . . . . "NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Before I start this review, let me tell you a little story about a guy named Mako ... and why you DON'T want to mess with him. NC (Voiceover): Mako apparently was a very popular sort-of underground voice celebrity. He did voices for Avatar: The Last Airbender, which I never heard of; Samurai Jack, which I never saw; and played Akiro the Wizard in \"Conan,\" which I barely remember. NC: So as you can tell, I barely know who this guy is. But apparently, a lot you DO, and were not very pleased when I made fun of his voice in the TMNT movie. I remember it like it was yesterday. (Starts to fade to a flashback, but we're still focusing on the Critic) NC: OK, maybe I don't remember it like it was yesterday, but I have a clip. [Cut to the clip from the TMNT review] Splinter: This home has become like an empty shell. Each of your brothers... NC: (buries his face in disbelief) Oh, God, what did they do to Splinter's voice? NC (voiceover): He sounds like Mr. Miyagi if he smoked a million Marlboros. [Cut back to the present] NC: Hehehehehe. Marlboros. Well, a lot of people took this the wrong way, thinking that I was making fun of the actor himself, sending me emails like: NC: (Voiceover) ... \"You don't mess with Mako, motherfucker.\" \"Leave Mako alone. He is the man.\" and \"You should crucify your privates for making fun of Mako.\" NC: Well, there goes a 1-year anniversary surprise. The fact is I don't hate Mako because I don't KNOW Mako. I know nothing about Mako. I just thought that the voice was a little different compared to the other Splinters that I've heard before. I mean, geez. You act like the guy died or some-- NC: (Voiceover) GOD DAMN-IT! NC: Ok Ok. So, just a recap, I don't hate Mako, I don't know Mako, so logically, I can't hate someone I don't know. (Beat) Especially when he's dead; That makes it very difficult. So, no disrespect. I apologize. Let's move on. (Long pause) Boy, how am I gonna segue out of that? Oh! Wait a minute. Mako was in \"Conan .\" \"Conan \" starred Arnold Schwarzzeneger. Arnold Schwarzzeneger was in a horrible Conan ripoff that was known as \"Red Sonja\"! (The title screen for \u201CRed Sonja\u201D is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) NC (voiceover): Just when you thought Barbarian roleplaying was restricted to the bedroom, \u201CRed Sonja\u201D dares to show us that half-naked people in loincloths is not only fashionable but highly cost effective. A shame it doesn\u2019t have a well-developed story to go along with it. This is another one of those classic bad movies that everyone seems to talk about, but why? Is it really so bad that it even deserves mentioning? NC: Well, grab a potion of pretentiousness and let\u2019s find out. (The movie begins) NC (voiceover): So it starts out with a young Sonja being played by Brigitte Nielsen as we see her lying unconscious with her house on fire. But then she wakes up to find a mystical\u2026unfinished special effect who tells her about her woes. Spirit: Sonja! You are suffering, Sonja. NC: Fairy Godmother? Spirit: But vengeance shall be yours. NC: Whoa! A fairy godmother who kicks ASS! Spirit: Vengeance on Queen Gedren, who wanted you for herself. (NC\u2019s finger is flicked upward to represent the erection symbol) Spirit: Your disgust was clear. (In a flashback, Sonja strikes a blow into Gedren\u2019s face; the flashback continues as the Spirit describes it) And so it was that Gedren ordered your family murdered. Your body violated by her soldiers. NC: Am I the only one that finds it weird that a woman is explaining what happened to the person that it just happened to? I mean, she just went through all this! Why does she have to be reminded? Spirit: Queen Gedren wanted you for herself. NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Yeah, I know. This all happened, like, a minute ago. Spirit: Your disgust was clear. NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Yeah, uh-huh, I know all of this. Spirit: Gedren ordered your family murdered. NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Well, kind of a painful memory, really. Spirit: Your body violated by her soldiers. NC (voiceover): (as Sonja) Oh, thanks for bringing that up. Spirit: But in your quest for justice and vengeance, you will need great strength. NC: Well, I\u2019m certainly not gonna get it from this pep talk! NC (voiceover): So\u2014I\u2019m not kidding\u2014the mystical fairy waves her magic wand so that Sonja can possess a great amount of strength. NC: And maybe, just maybe, turn into a real boy. (A Photoshopped image of Disney\u2019s Pinocchio with Sonja\u2019s head superimposed his is shown, followed by a clip from \u201CPinnochio\u201D of Gepetto and Pinocchio dancing with Sonja\u2019s head placed over Pinnochio\u2019s head) NC (voiceover): So if you\u2019re like me, you\u2019re probably wondering: Who the hell was this spirit? Where did she come from? Why does she want to help Sonja out so bad? NC: Like most bad movies, they decide not to tell us. So really, you can put anything there and it would make just about as much sense. You could put Ronald McDonald in that position and it\u2019d be just as logically satisfying! (Ronald McDonald is placed over the Spirit briefly) Ronald McDonald (from a McDonald\u2019s commercial): Try once more, just for me. Grimace (from a McDonald\u2019s commercial): (audio) And me? Hamburglar (from a McDonald\u2019s commercial): (audio) Rubble me? NC (voiceover): So we cut to years in the future as we see the ancient order of silly hats is planning to do away with an evil power that mankind cannot control. High Priestess: Where is the Lord of Lukenya? Priestess: He has not come, Highness. High Priestess: He should be here for the destruction of the talisman. But we cannot delay. We will proceed without him. NC (voiceover): (as the High Priestess) And take those ridiculous things off! NC (voiceover): (normal) So we see the priestesses as they get rid of the evil talisman which seems to be shaped like a radioactive booger. But Castle Anthrax is under attack, as the evil Queen Gedren surrounds the castle with her soldiers. High Priestess: O God of Gods, it has become too powerful for us. And we must destroy it before it destroys the world. NC (voiceover): (as the High Priestess) I\u2019m sure absolutely nothing will stop this ceremony, so let me proceed as slowly as possible, showing how confident I am that we are about to destroy this evil power. In fact, I feel like it\u2019s gone already. Remember that evil power? That was so long ago\u2014(Ikol throws a ninja star at the High Priestess in the chest) Shitcakes! (Gedren\u2019s soldiers burst through the doors) NC (voiceover): So the soldiers enter the castle, killing off all the priestesses protecting the glowing sour Skittle. But Gedren wants to be sure she has the right mystical power of doom, so she tests it out. Queen Gedren: (to a male soldier) Touch it. (The soldier slowly places a hand on the talisman before he disappears in a flash; she gasps) NC: My God! It jump cuts people out of existence! Gedren: (to a female soldier) Touch it. NC: (as the soldier, reaching a hand out but then thinks about it and stops) No. Gedren: Touch it! (The female soldier places both hands on it, and nothing happens) Gedren: (laughs) So it is true. Only women may touch it. (Cut to the talisman being placed in a cone-shaped cage before it gets taken away) Male Soldier: Take it out. NC (voiceover): You know, I\u2019m very uncomfortable with these choices of words. \u201COnly women may touch it.\u201D \u201CTake it out.\u201D \u201CShe wants her for herself.\u201D If I just heard the audio to this, I\u2019d swear I was listening to a medieval porno! By the way, does this guy in the picket-fence hat (Ikol) look familiar to you? Arnold Toht (from \u201CRaiders of the Lost Ark\u201D): (raises his hand to reveal a scar symbol in the palm) Heil Hitler. NC (voiceover): That\u2019s right! It\u2019s the Gestapo guy from \u201CRaiders of the Lost Ark.\u201D And yes, he always has that face. I beginning to think he was born with it. (A Photoshopped image of a baby with Ronald Lacey\u2019s head superimposed over the baby\u2019s head is shown) Sliminess like that can\u2019t be created. (Back to the movie) So anyway, one of the women runs away as the soldiers chase her down. But she\u2019s suddenly approached by, guess who? Arnold Schwarzenegger: (audio, dubs over Lord Kalidor) Put that cookie down! (The woman (named Varna) slides down a rope across a large crevice to the other side) NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, the soldiers shoot the woman in the back as Arnold catches her. (Kalidor carries Varna to safety while thrilling music continues playing) NC (voiceover): OK, you can tone down the music, guys. He\u2019s just carrying her. It\u2019s not very exciting. (After setting Varna down, Kalidor pulls out his sword to fight the soldiers, this time with no musical score in the background) NC (voiceover): Oh, wh\u2014you can bring the music back now! It\u2019s a fight scene! Hello? I\u2014never mind. Let\u2019s just see what She-Ra has to say. Varna: (struggles to speak) Must\u2026destroy the talisman. We must find my sister. Take me. I know where she is. Please. NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor) Sorry, I totally blanked. What was that? NC (voiceover): (normal) So Arnold is told to find Sonja, who lives in the training grounds of\u2014(Sonja\u2019s Master is shown for the first time in an extravagant costume design) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Master: You have nothing more to learn, Red Sonja. NC: I didn\u2019t know Ewoks had Geishas. NC (voiceover): (speaks like Mako, dubbing over Master) I shall be your Gandalf for the evening. Master: You must learn to like men a little better. NC: (laughs) Come on, how can she take him seriously without snickering? Master: But in life, all is not swordplay. NC: (holds in his snickering) Yep. Master: Hatred of men in a lovely young woman. NC: (snickers) Okay. Master: It could be your downfall. NC: (snickers) Alright, keep going. Master: That would have been music to my ears thirty years ago. NC: (bursts out in laughter a bit but stops) Sorry, sorry, keep going. NC (voiceover): Look at his wing-span. He\u2019s making Queen Amidala\u2019s clothes look subtle. Master: I know. NC (voiceover): So Master Overkill tells Sonja that she can take one weapon as a gift for being such a good student, and it turns out one sword seems to be calling her name\u2026literally. Sword: (voice) Sonja. Sonja. (Sonja pulls out a sword and holds it in a dramatic pose) NC: Oh, a singing sword as the ancient mythology of Bugs Bunny cartoons. (A clip from the Bugs Bunny cartoon \u201CKnighty Knight Bugs\u201D is shown with Bugs trying to handle a singing sword with a mind of its own) NC (Voiceover): So Arnold approaches the training grounds through the\u2026mystical god taking a dump, as he informs Red Sonja that her sister is dying, and that she only has moments to speak to her. Varna: You must destroy the talisman, Sonja. Send it into darkness. Swear that you will. Sonja: I swear. (Varna dies before Kalidor steps in to place a hand on Sonja\u2019s shoulder as she quietly sobs) Kalidor: She\u2019s dead. NC: Thank you, Captain Obvious! If I get hit by an arrow, you\u2019d be sure to tell me, right? NC (voiceover): So Sonja decides to set out and destroy the evil talisman, which apparently is very easy to locate. (In the distance, a large cloud causes thunderclaps and numerous lightning bolts) Sonja: Someone is using the talisman. NC: No, I think Wile E. Coyote\u2019s storm machine just backfired again. NC (voiceover): Arnold tries to come along with Sonja, but she declares that she needs no man to help her out. Sonja: It\u2019s no business of yours, and neither am I. Kalidor: You may be wrong on both counts. I know you\u2019re a brave girl, but danger is my trade. Sonja: Then I\u2019ll learn it by myself. NC: Oh, God! Watching these people try to act is like trying to watch a mute person trying to teach another mute person how to talk. NC (voiceover): We then come across a young prince you may also recognize from another movie. Prince Tarn: I refuse to surrender. Johnny (from \u201CSurf Ninjas\u201D): One suit, dudes! NC (voiceover): That\u2019s right; it\u2019s the star of \u201CSurf Ninjas.\u201D NC: Wow. I\u2019m really amazed at how\u2026un-amazing these cameos are. Falkon (Tarn\u2019s servant): Quickly come. Come to me. Prince Tarn: Too slippery! Do you want me to fall in that boiling mud? NC: Don\u2019t worry. Just take the advice that you gave in your other movie. Johnny (from \u201CSurf Ninjas\u201D): Remember, bend your knees. Use your arms. (NC gives a thumbs-up with a \u201CDing!\u201D sound) NC (voiceover): So it turns out the prince is a spoiled brat of a destroyed kingdom, who\u2019s always followed by his helper named Falkon. What\u2019s the prince\u2019s name, you may ask? Falkon: His royal highness, the Prince Tarn. NC: (misinterprets) Prince TARD??? That\u2019s not very P.C., is it? NC (voiceover): Sonja questions the prince to find out who destroyed his kingdom. Sonja: What happened? Falkon: What happened? Queen Gedren attacked us is what happened. Sonja: Gedren? Queen Gedren? NC: (mocks Sonja\u2019s unconvincing delivery) I\u2019m acting. NC (voiceover): So she continues on her quest as the prince decides to tag along. She comes across a group of warriors who get pretty upset when their leader doesn\u2019t let her pass and she stabs him in the chest. That\u2019s usually not a good ice breaker. But Arnold is there to help her out. Kalidor: Get away! Get away! Go! Sonja: What about you? Kalidor: I can hold them. (He approaches the soldiers on his horse) NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor) Ahhh! Help me! I cannot hold them! NC (voiceover): (normal) Meanwhile, we cut to the evil fortress of Queen Gedren where we see her get ready to set up the talisman and use its awesome power for the forces of evil. (Cut to a large room immensely filled with candles) Like candles, much? Wizard: Enemies are approaching the outer empire. (Queen Gedren begins her long way down a hallway) NC (voiceover): Okay. (Beat) Uh-huh. (Beat) Walking. (Beat) Still walking. (Gedren turns to enter her throne room) Entering a room rented out from Castle Grayskull. (Gedren walks to the steps leading up to the throne) Wow! I\u2019m so glad they showed us the long walk to the throne; otherwise, I never would have figured out how she got there! NC: (sarcastically) I just assume it was magic! NC (voiceover): So she calls upon her sorcerer\u2014who I swear is Wizzo from \u201CThe Bozo Show\u201D\u2014who asks him to show her the enemies that are coming her way. (On a magic screen, we see a nude woman doing a sultry dance (with a censor bar placed over her torso by NC); NC looks very confused at what he sees; after the dance ends, the screen changes to a view of Sonja and her party approaching) NC: Boy, I\u2019ve\u2026never seen a poorer excuse to have nudity in a film outside of a porno! NC (voiceover): I mean, what the hell was that? Were they really so desperate for a titty shot that they had to just throw it randomly into the middle of the movie? Are there just no adult theaters in this fantasy world? Queen Gedren: (gasps and stands up) That girl! Ikol: Shall I send out a small ambush party? Queen Gedren: No. We\u2019ll wait \u2018til they get a little closer. NC: (as Queen Gedren, rubs his chin) It makes me seem\u2026stupider that way. NC (voiceover): So Sonja finally gets to the boundaries of the evil world. (A shot of a pleasant valley appearing opposite of the dark, evil valley (separated by a crevice) is shown) NC (voiceover): Wow, subtle. It\u2019s like \u201CHome and Gardens\u201D outside of Mordor. Sonja: Berkubane, the land of perpetual night. Prince Tarn: Falkon, proclaim my arrival. Sonja: Oh, keep quiet. NC: Come on! That Prince of Tards is a better actor than you, and he\u2019s only, like, five! NC (voiceover): So they cross the bones of a giant decomposing rhino. (Beat) Whatever. As Sonja tries to teach the young prince a lesson in manners. Prince Tarn: I was disarmed by those ruffians the other day. Sonja: I noticed, so it needn\u2019t be fatal. I am disarmed. Kill me. Come on. NC: PLEASE DO!! (Prince Tarn does a martial arts yell before jumping up to kick Sonja, but she flips him down to the ground; freeze-frame on Tarn on the ground as the caption \u201CEpic Fail!\u201D appears and a mocking \u201CWah-wah\u201D is heard in the background) Sonja: Simple, isn\u2019t it? But it\u2019s not in the rule book. You see, fencing and fighting are two different things. NC: As well as acting and looking pretty. NC (voiceover): After the prince finally asks nicely, Sonja agrees to teach him in the art of self-defense. (Sonja stands behind Tarn to help hold out his sword against his body) Sonja: You were disarmed because you hold the hilt too tight. Grip gently. See? Prince Tarn: Gently. I see. Like this? (NC\u2019s forefinger lifts up again, representing the erection symbol) Sonja: Your Highness learns fast. NC (voiceover): So we move onto the next level\u2014I mean, location, where they discover a monster that\u2019s lurking in the water. (Beat) Oh, God, is that fake. Come on, I\u2019ve seen better effects from the octopus in the \u201CPopeye\u201D movie! (A clip of Olive Oyl from the live-action \u201CPopeye\u201D movie is shown screaming while trying to fight off the octopus) NC (voiceover): As hope looks bleak against this mechanical sock puppet, we get our visit from an old familiar face. (Kalidor appears) NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor) Hello! I\u2019m still in this movie! NC (voiceover): (normal) So Arnold jumps into the water and tries to save the day. (Kalidor rides on the back of the monster for a long time) NC (voiceover): OK, I think we spent WAY too much time watching Arnold ride this thing. I don\u2019t even think he\u2019s really fighting it. I think he\u2019s just enjoying the ride. NC (voiceover): (as Kalidor, who\u2019s riding the monster\u2019s back) WHEEEEEEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE! Kalidor: I can\u2019t kill it! It\u2019s a machine! NC: (shrugs in utter confusion) \u2026Oh, yeah, because they always had robotic mechanical machines in barbaric times! Where\u2019d they get that thing made? Ye Olde RadioShack? (A Photoshopped image of a cave opening with the RadioShack sign appearing above it is shown briefly) Kalidor: Sonja, we have to blind it! It\u2019s our only chance! NC (voiceover): Yes, because as we all know, robots see out of their eyes. What sense does that make? Does it also scream like a banshee if you nailed it in the mechanical groin? I mean, why build it that way? (After one of the monster\u2019s eyes is removed with Sonja\u2019s dagger, we hear the sound of a screaming banshee dubbed over the monster) NC (voiceover): So they escape the monster and continue on their quest. But Arnold\u2019s sword is extending for Sonja as we partake in a love scene which I like to call \u201CLove and the Duelling Accents.\u201D Sonja: No man may have me unless he has beaten me in a fair fight. Kalidor: So the only man that can have you is one who has tried to kill you. That\u2019s logic. NC: Hey, Arnold\u2019s pointing out the plot holes. (Cut to Sonja lying on the ground and Kalidor pulling out her sword from her scabbard, encouraging her to duel) Sonja: Don\u2019t be a fool. I don\u2019t want to kill you. NC: (as Sonja) Besides, my heart will always belong to Flavor Flav. NC (voiceover): So they fight, I guess\u2014as most couples do\u2014as the little prince observes the commotion. NC (voiceover): (as Prince Tarn) What the hell did I miss? (Prince Tarn gets behind Kalidor and jumps on him, punching him while making martial art yells before Kalidor grabs him and holds him up high) NC: (as Kalidor) I will eat you, child! Tonight I dine on Chinese! (He babbles with his tongue sticking out) NC (voiceover): Yeah, apparently, Arnold is so strong, he needs a string to hold the child up. (A green arrow points to a guy-wire holding up Prince Tarn) Either that, or he\u2019s just been a puppet the whole time. Either one wouldn\u2019t surprise me. (As Kalidor and Sonja continue their swordfight, Tarn does some fighting stances with a sword in one spot) NC: Man, even the kid\u2019s choreography is better than those two. They should\u2019ve made the movie about that pipsqueak! NC (voiceover): So they both tire out, lay next to a tree and\u2026 (Cut to the evil fortress with Sonja and her party viewing it from a distance in the mountains) Sonja: Gedren\u2019s army. NC (voiceover): What? What happened? Did they just give up? Who won? Did they make whoopee afterwards? Are they a couple now? Do they still hate each other? Okay, screw it. So they get to the evil fortress where apparently the evil talisman is held. (A full exterior shot of the fortress is shown) Patsy (from \u201CMonty Python and the Holy Grail\u201D): (audio) It\u2019s only a model. NC (voiceover): They quickly have to decide who will stand guard outside in case any of them are spotted. Sonja: Who will stand guard this doorway, the post of danger? Falkon? Falkon: Me? Here? I don\u2019t know what\u2019s coming out that door. No, I am going up. Kalidor: I\u2019ll take my chances in there. Sonja: And I have to go in. (A long pause occurs as Sonja and Kalidor look at Prince Tarn) NC: It\u2019s you, you dork! Get a fucking hint! Prince Tarn: I\u2019ll stay. NC: (sarcastic) Oh, would you? NC (voiceover): By the way, is it me, or does that giant circular doorway look vaguely familiar? (The logo with NC\u2019s smiling face used for TGWTG.com is shown on top of the doorway along with an audio snippet of the Looney Tune\u2019s theme music; cut to the inside the castle, which begins to crumble a little bit) NC (voiceover): Inside, the queen and her evil Lacey discuss why and how they see that they suddenly lost control of the talisman. Ikol: O God, Majesty, what do you want? Queen Gedren: The world, Ikol! Today we took another piece of the city of Toktyl. Ikol: There will be no world. (He turns to quickly leave) There will be no world. There will be no world! (Queen Gedren makes an evil laugh to herself after Ikol leaves) NC: (as Queen Gedren, chuckles) \u201CThere will be no world.\u201D I just got it. NC (voiceover): So our heroes are sneaking around trying to find a way in when suddenly\u2026 (Falkon drops through a hole in the floor and into a dining hall, falling onto the table that Gedren\u2019s soldiers are dining on) NC: Oh, hey, someone just slid down the trapdoor from the outside and into the dining room. (Beat) Why did we install it again? NC (voiceover): So our heroes fight off the soldiers as we see our young prince duke it out with Gestapo Slimy. (As Ikol tries to get away through the rolling doorway, he ends up falling and screams as he is about to get crushed by the doorway) NC: Look out! He\u2019s gonna be crushed by the Looney Tunes logo! Porky Pig: (audio) Th-th-th-th-that\u2019s all, folks! NC (voiceover): So Sonja finally reaches the queen as\u2026 Sonja: GEDREN! WHERE ARE YOU?! NC: (laughs) What the hell was that? Sonja: WHERE ARE YOU?! NC: (mocks Sonja\u2019s facial expression) WHERE ARE YOU?! Sonja: WHERE ARE YOU?! NC: (mocks Sonja\u2019s facial expression) Are you over there, or over there? Sonja: WHERE ARE YOU?! NC (voiceover): So the prince and Sonja meet up with the queen as Sonja tells the prince to run for cover. Sonja: Prince, get Kalidor and Falkon. (Queen Gedren blocks Prince Tarn\u2019s way with her sword) NC (voiceover): (as Queen Gedren) Ha-ha! Sonja: There\u2019s a way behind the throne. NC (voiceover): (as Queen Gedren) Oh, wait, don\u2019t do that. Make him come back! I don\u2019t want to actually have to chase him. Sonja: (to Queen Gedren) You slaughtered my parents like cattle. My brother, my sister! NC: (as Sonja) My uncle, my grandpa, my goldfish, my Chia Pet! My Goddamn Chia Pet! NC (voiceover): But it turns out the queen has magic on her side. (As Sonja tries to attack Queen Gedren, Gedren disappears before Sonja could strike and appears in a different part of the room in a jump cut) NC: (as Queen Gedren) Ha-ha! I slipped the editor an extra fifty! Now I can jump cut wherever I want! (He laughs evilly) (A couple scenes of Queen Gedren disappearing before Sonja could strike and appearing in another location in a jump cut are shown) NC (voiceover): Okay, seriously, knock it off! It\u2019s not a good effect! Geez, this woman teleports more than Ganon from \u201CThe Legend of Zelda.\u201D (A clip of Ganon from the \u201CLegend of Zelda\u201D cartoon teleporting sporadically throughout his throne room is shown) NC (voiceover): But it turns out the wizard is also getting his strengths. (The Wizard makes a slice onto something on his lab table; every slice he makes causes an injury onto Sonja; she soon spots him) NC (voiceover): (as the Wizard) Uh-oh, she spotted me. I guess I should stab her again. (Sonja approaches the Wizard) I guess I should stab her again. (Beat) I guess I should stab her again. (Sonja knocks down the hanging lab table with her sword) I guess I should stab her\u2014(speaks normally) Okay, what is with these morons?! Do you have short term memory loss?! (Sonja slices off the Wizard\u2019s head) NC (voiceover): (as the Wizard) Now I\u2019ll never lead the grand march. NC (voiceover): (normal) So they (Sonja and Gedren) enter into the candle room where they have their big final battle. (Sonja breaks off the top half of Gedren\u2019s sword before stabbing her in the chest) NC (voiceover): (as Gedren) Huh, how strangely anticlimactic. Goodbye! (Queen Gedren falls into an open chasm (caused by the collapsing castle) and into a river of molten lava) NC: (as Queen Gedren) Remember me as a horrible blue-screen effect! NC (voiceover): (as Sonja, who takes the talisman and throws it down into the chasm) And take your magic jawbreaker with you! (The talisman explodes upon impact in the molten lava) NC (voiceover): (normal) So our heroes have to escape the fortress before it all comes crumbling down. Sonja: (as a door pins her down) I can\u2019t get through. NC: (as Sonja) Damn my large heaving breasts. NC (voiceover): I especially love this scene where Arnold holds up the falling rubble so that they can pass, but look after it falls. (Kalidor removes himself from the rubble before it all falls down behind him; a green arrow points to the open space above the fallen rubble) NC (voiceover): You can hopscotch over that! (The fortress starts to explode before we see our heroes escape from it, though the fortress and our heroes are not in the same shot) NC (voiceover): (as the heroes) Quick! Run away from\u2026nothing. NC (voiceover): So the queen is destroyed, the prince is still a brat, and our two actors can\u2019t act, and they all live happily ever after. NC: So, was this film really as bad as some people make it out to be? Reportedly, Arnold Schwarzenegger used to joke that he would torture people by showing this movie over and over and over. So is it really that bad? (Clips from the movie are shown again as NC speaks) NC (Voiceover): Well, it\u2019s definitely bad, but it\u2019s certainly not the worst. In my opinion, Arnold has certainly made much worse films, so I don\u2019t really get why this one\u2019s so special. NC: But I can\u2019t lie. It is definitely a bad movie, and when your actress playing the main character who looks like this (an image of Sonja is shown) is married to someone who looks like this (an image of Flavor Flav is shown), yeah, you\u2019re gonna be in deep fucking trouble. I\u2019m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don\u2019t have to. (He gets up to leave) THE END"@en . "thumb|265px Red Sonja es una pel\u00EDcula de 1985 dirigida por un veterano en pel\u00EDculas de acci\u00F3n y/o fantas\u00EDa, Richard Fleischer. La pel\u00EDcula de espada y hechicer\u00EDa est\u00E1 interpretada por Brigitte Nielsen y Arnold Schwarzenegger."@es . . "Red Sonja became the archetypical example of the fantasy figure of a fierce and stunningly beautiful female barbarian that was unique for she would fight against rival sutors to death. She was ranked first in Comics Buyer's Guide's \"100 Sexiest Women in Comics\" list. It was announced at the 2013 Emerald City Comic Con that Gail Simone would be writing a new ongoing Red Sonja series for Dynamite; she has noted in further interviews that her iteration is a slightly \"rebooted\" continuity, showing the character's beginnings. Issue 1 of Simone's run was given a July 2013 release date, and early reviews have been positive for the issue."@en . . . . . . . . . . . "Red Sonja, \"warrior woman out of majestic Hyrkania,\" was created by Roy Thomas (writer) and Barry Smith (pencils, inks and color). She in made her d\u00E9but in \"The Shadow of the Vulture\" and \"The Song of Red Sonja\" in Marvel Comics\u2019 Conan the Barbarian 23-24 (1972). She was loosely based on the character Red Sonya of Rogatino in Robert E. Howard's short story \"The Shadow of the Vulture\" (The Magic Carpet Magazine January 1934). Thomas rewrote this as a Conan story for the Marvel comic, reinventing REH\u2019s Red Sonya, making her a heroine of Conan\u2019s Hyborian Age, tweaking the spelling of her name, and replacing Sonya's guns (and sword) with (only) a sword. \"The Song of Red Sonja\" won the 1973 Academy of Comic Book Arts Awards: Best Individual Story (Dramatic). In Conan the Barbarian, two panels were censored by John Romita Sr. The uncensored story was reprinted in Marvel Treasury Edition 1 15 (1977), where it was recolored by Glynis Wein and the artwork was slightly cropped to fit the page format. The She-Devil with a Sword has become the archetypical example of the fantasy figure of a fierce and stunningly beautiful female barbarian who typically wears sexy, but impractically skimpy armor."@en . . . "89893"^^ . "A sword-master in peak human physical condition, Martial arts expert, as well as knowledge and experience of fighting the supernatural."@en . "Single"@en . . "Following the assault on her home and death of her family and livelihood at the hands of mercenaries, Red Sonja was visited by the goddess Scathath. Gaining unparalelled skill in battle in exchange for the promise to never love any man who could not beat her in fair combat, Red Sonja grew up to become a legendary adventurer, warrior, and eventually Queen of Sogaria. Her alliance/rivalry with Conan the Barbarian, too, is well renowned: the status of their relationship has varied over the years..."@en . "Red Sonja"@en . . "Begin the Red Sonja Chronology"@en . "Red Sonja"@es . "Red Sonya of Rogatino"@en . . "Previous Appearance:"@en . . . . . . "Titel: De Stormachtige avonturen van Red Sonja, roodharige Furie uit de Hyboriaanse Eeuw Uitgever: Oberon b.v. Haarlem Image:Redsonja-nr1-NL.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 1 Image:Redsonja-nr3.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 3 Image:Redsonja-nr9.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 9 Image:Redsonja-nr10.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 10 Links: Red Sonja US Wiki Gezocht: Meer info betreffende de andere nummers van Red Sonja"@nl . . . "320"^^ . . . . . . . "thumb|265px Red Sonja es una pel\u00EDcula de 1985 dirigida por un veterano en pel\u00EDculas de acci\u00F3n y/o fantas\u00EDa, Richard Fleischer. La pel\u00EDcula de espada y hechicer\u00EDa est\u00E1 interpretada por Brigitte Nielsen y Arnold Schwarzenegger."@es . . . . "Cover to Red Sonja #1 ."@en . "Running time"@en . . . "Red Sonja (Die Rache der Schwertk\u00E4mpferin) ist ein US-amerikanischer Barbarenfilm aus dem Jahr 1985. \n* Darsteller: Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman \n* Regisseur(e): Richard Fleischer \n* Komponist: Ennio Morricone \n* Produktionsjahr: 1985 Regisseur Richard Fleischer drehte zuvor Conan der Zerst\u00F6rer und so wurde dessen heller, farbiger Comik-Look beibehalten. Die Besetzung gl\u00E4nzt mit alten Bekannten: Sandahl Bergman (die Diebin Valeria aus Conan der Barbar) gibt die erzb\u00F6se K\u00F6nigin, ihren finsteren Gehilfen spielt Ronald Lacey (der \u00FCble Nazi Toth aus J\u00E4ger des verlorenen Schatzes) und Paul Smith (Raban aus Dune- Der W\u00FCstenplanet) ist der gutm\u00FCtige Besch\u00FCtzer des jungen Prinzen. Alles in allem ein unterhaltendes Schwert-und-Magie-Abenteuer, von denen es ja nicht allzu viele gibt. --Alexander R\u00F6der Red Sonja von 1930 ist wie Conan auch aus der Feder von Robert E. Howard. Red Sonja ist aber in der Orginalfassung eine Schwertk\u00E4mpferin aus dem 17. Jahrhundert, die unter anderem bei der Belagerung Wiens durch die T\u00FCrken k\u00E4mpfte. In den 70er Jahren wo auch eine Conan Comic-Serie entstanden ist, wurde aus Red Sonja eine sexy rothaarige Amazone und anpassungen in Conans hyborianische Welt versetzt. --Netsurai 06:04, 12. Jun. 2008 (UTC)"@de . . "Red Sonja, \"warrior woman out of majestic Hyrkania,\" was created by Roy Thomas (writer) and Barry Smith (pencils, inks and color). She in made her d\u00E9but in \"The Shadow of the Vulture\" and \"The Song of Red Sonja\" in Marvel Comics\u2019 Conan the Barbarian 23-24 (1972). The She-Devil with a Sword has become the archetypical example of the fantasy figure of a fierce and stunningly beautiful female barbarian who typically wears sexy, but impractically skimpy armor."@en . . "1304.0"^^ . "Red Sonja"@en . . "Red Sonja is published by Dynamite Entertainment. Price per issue is $3.99."@en . . . "Colors by Jos\u00E9 Villarrubia."@en . . "Red Sonja;Red Sonja by Frank Thorne.jpg"@en . "Female"@en . . "Red Sonja became the archetypical example of the fantasy figure of a fierce and stunningly beautiful female barbarian that was unique for she would fight against rival sutors to death. She was ranked first in Comics Buyer's Guide's \"100 Sexiest Women in Comics\" list."@en . "Red Sonja"@de . . "Warrior"@en . "Link"@en . "Red Sonja"@en . . . . . "Red Sonja (Die Rache der Schwertk\u00E4mpferin) ist ein US-amerikanischer Barbarenfilm aus dem Jahr 1985. \n* Darsteller: Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sandahl Bergman \n* Regisseur(e): Richard Fleischer \n* Komponist: Ennio Morricone \n* Produktionsjahr: 1985 --Netsurai 06:04, 12. Jun. 2008 (UTC)"@de . . . . . "Released"@en . . "Next Appearance:"@en . . "Hyrkania"@en . "Titel: De Stormachtige avonturen van Red Sonja, roodharige Furie uit de Hyboriaanse Eeuw Uitgever: Oberon b.v. Haarlem Image:Redsonja-nr1-NL.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 1 Image:Redsonja-nr3.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 3 Image:Redsonja-nr9.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 9 Image:Redsonja-nr10.jpg|Comics:Red Sonja (NL) Vol 10 Links: Red Sonja US Wiki Gezocht: Meer info betreffende de andere nummers van Red Sonja"@nl . . . . . . . . . . . . "Red Sonja"@en . .