. "4836062"^^ . "UnTweets:Noah"@en . . "Woohoo! Yay! It\u2019s my birthday. Never gonna see four hundred and ninety nine again! Get this, Mrs Noah is in calf again at 450! The neighbours are saying it\u2019s a miracle. How about my miraculous input? She lost her looks at 25 Did some more preaching in town. Hooligans chucked shit at me again. I hope the fuckers all die! Bloody kids broke the window playing football! You\u2019d think they\u2019d grow up by 90! They\u2019ve gotta leave home soon \u2013 that\u2019ll be a sweet day. Sometimes I wonder why I\u2019m still the only one following God\u2019s laws. Everyone else gets drunkenness and fornication \u2013 I get four hours of daily prayer and circumcision. God spoke to me last night \u2013 that or Mrs N\u2019s put the wrong kind of mushroom in the casserole again. Wants me to build a giant park! Ark! I gotta build a 300 cubit Ark! You get kind of deaf past 500. I\u2019d get my ears syringed but then I\u2019d hear all that long-hair music Japheth listens to. What is an Ark? Turns out 300 cubits is nearly a 160 metres in proper money! Who does He think I am? He created the whole universe in an afternoon, why not do it Himself? Okay, so get this \u2013 it\u2019s a boat made of gophers. Just as well gophers breed like rabbits. Seven of every clean animal we\u2019re saving, apparently. Why 7? Seems the spare is for snacking on. We have to save two of every unclean animal too. They\u2019re going at the far end of the boat, I tell you. Far be it from me to criticise God but, if you want a 300 cubit yacht building and enough food collecting for a whole zoo for a year, why ask a 600 year old man? Nearly finished the boat! Talk about a titanic undertaking. We\u2019re gonna have to find a suitable name for it. Ham & Shem want to call it \u201CEndeavour\". I voted for \u201CThe Revenge\u201D. Mrs N put her foot down. We\u2019re calling it \u201CThe Saucy Sue\u201D. Balls, now God\u2019s claiming he said to build it from \u201CGopher \u2018\u2019Wood\u2019.\u2019\u201D How many horny gophers is that gonna take? We gotta start again. Apparently Gopher wood comes from trees. Who knew?!!!? Weather\u2019s turned overnight. It\u2019s shitting down out there. There\u2019s like a million critters out there lining-up in front of the Saucy Sue. It\u2019s all I can do to stop them eating each other and we\u2019re ankle-deep in turd already. Finally finished loading. Had a bit of a panic about the woodworm and the death-watch beetles. God suggested keeping them in jars \u2013 thinking like that is why He\u2019s a deity. Rain, rain, bloody rain! There\u2019ll be no strawberries this year the rate it\u2019s going Would you believe it \u2013 the Saucy Sue floats! The neighbours are looking sick, I tell you! Just floated passed the town hall. Roof covered with people. My turn to throw shit now and we\u2019ve got tons of it already. It\u2019s still raining! There\u2019s a line between being a rightfully wrathful God and just showing off if you ask me If I ever have to shovel elephant shit again \u2026.. If He doesn\u2019t stop with the fucking rain soon I swear I\u2019ll drown myself! Where\u2019s He getting all the water from anyway? God says he\u2019d let us out earlier but he\u2019s punishing us for not loading the dinosaurs. Bugger me, the sun came out. And what did Mrs N say? Mind you don\u2019t get burned! Just floating and shovelling. Floating and shovelling. Ham thinks we should try to catch two of every fish to bring on board. Sometimes I wonder if that boy\u2019s mine at all. Just how dead does God need those dead guys to be before He lets us go home. Still floating. Surely we could have brought one species of mammal, one type of reptile etc. Then maybe God could invent some sort of process where they slowly evolved into all the other species He wants around the place. Next time I take a cruise I\u2019m going First Class, this sucks. The water level\u2019s sinking, I think. God knows where it\u2019s all going though. Accidentally trod on one half of the long-nosed beetle population. Think it was a dung beetle, they\u2019re the only ones enjoying this trip. Ham says the water\u2019s falling off the edge of the Earth. Apparently he thinks it\u2019s flat. I knew I\u2019d regret dropping him on his head as a baby Got away with wiping out the future of the long-nosed beetle as a species. God doesn\u2019t seem to have noticed. No one can see everything, I guess. We hit a fucking mountain. There\u2019s a whole planet full of water, we\u2019re God\u2019s chosen people and we hit a fucking mountain. I let one of the ravens go. I figure it could use the exercise and when it comes back with mud on its feet I\u2019ll know we\u2019re nearly safe to leave. It fucked off. I let a dove go. They\u2019re stupider than ravens, they always come home. If it doesn\u2019t come back soon I\u2019m getting Mrs N to make a pie from the spare. It brought an olive leaf \u2013 looks fresh too. Might have brought some olives - a year with no veg has played Hell with my bowels. We\u2019re running short of food and we already ate most of the \u201Cnon-essential\u201D critters. Shame about the unicorn, it was kinda cute. God says we can disembark. About time too it stinks in here. Hey, we\u2019re in Turkey. I always wanted to go to Turkey. I'm off to town to find a kebab shop and a titty bar. File:Ninjastar.png"@en . . . . "2010-11-14"^^ . . . "Woohoo! Yay! It\u2019s my birthday. Never gonna see four hundred and ninety nine again! Get this, Mrs Noah is in calf again at 450! The neighbours are saying it\u2019s a miracle. How about my miraculous input? She lost her looks at 25 Did some more preaching in town. Hooligans chucked shit at me again. I hope the fuckers all die! Bloody kids broke the window playing football! You\u2019d think they\u2019d grow up by 90! They\u2019ve gotta leave home soon \u2013 that\u2019ll be a sweet day. God spoke to me last night \u2013 that or Mrs N\u2019s put the wrong kind of mushroom in the casserole again. Wants me to build a giant park!"@en . .