| abstract
| - Woohoo! Yay! It’s my birthday. Never gonna see four hundred and ninety nine again! Get this, Mrs Noah is in calf again at 450! The neighbours are saying it’s a miracle. How about my miraculous input? She lost her looks at 25 Did some more preaching in town. Hooligans chucked shit at me again. I hope the fuckers all die! Bloody kids broke the window playing football! You’d think they’d grow up by 90! They’ve gotta leave home soon – that’ll be a sweet day. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still the only one following God’s laws. Everyone else gets drunkenness and fornication – I get four hours of daily prayer and circumcision. God spoke to me last night – that or Mrs N’s put the wrong kind of mushroom in the casserole again. Wants me to build a giant park! Ark! I gotta build a 300 cubit Ark! You get kind of deaf past 500. I’d get my ears syringed but then I’d hear all that long-hair music Japheth listens to. What is an Ark? Turns out 300 cubits is nearly a 160 metres in proper money! Who does He think I am? He created the whole universe in an afternoon, why not do it Himself? Okay, so get this – it’s a boat made of gophers. Just as well gophers breed like rabbits. Seven of every clean animal we’re saving, apparently. Why 7? Seems the spare is for snacking on. We have to save two of every unclean animal too. They’re going at the far end of the boat, I tell you. Far be it from me to criticise God but, if you want a 300 cubit yacht building and enough food collecting for a whole zoo for a year, why ask a 600 year old man? Nearly finished the boat! Talk about a titanic undertaking. We’re gonna have to find a suitable name for it. Ham & Shem want to call it “Endeavour". I voted for “The Revenge”. Mrs N put her foot down. We’re calling it “The Saucy Sue”. Balls, now God’s claiming he said to build it from “Gopher ‘’Wood’.’” How many horny gophers is that gonna take? We gotta start again. Apparently Gopher wood comes from trees. Who knew?!!!? Weather’s turned overnight. It’s shitting down out there. There’s like a million critters out there lining-up in front of the Saucy Sue. It’s all I can do to stop them eating each other and we’re ankle-deep in turd already. Finally finished loading. Had a bit of a panic about the woodworm and the death-watch beetles. God suggested keeping them in jars – thinking like that is why He’s a deity. Rain, rain, bloody rain! There’ll be no strawberries this year the rate it’s going Would you believe it – the Saucy Sue floats! The neighbours are looking sick, I tell you! Just floated passed the town hall. Roof covered with people. My turn to throw shit now and we’ve got tons of it already. It’s still raining! There’s a line between being a rightfully wrathful God and just showing off if you ask me If I ever have to shovel elephant shit again ….. If He doesn’t stop with the fucking rain soon I swear I’ll drown myself! Where’s He getting all the water from anyway? God says he’d let us out earlier but he’s punishing us for not loading the dinosaurs. Bugger me, the sun came out. And what did Mrs N say? Mind you don’t get burned! Just floating and shovelling. Floating and shovelling. Ham thinks we should try to catch two of every fish to bring on board. Sometimes I wonder if that boy’s mine at all. Just how dead does God need those dead guys to be before He lets us go home. Still floating. Surely we could have brought one species of mammal, one type of reptile etc. Then maybe God could invent some sort of process where they slowly evolved into all the other species He wants around the place. Next time I take a cruise I’m going First Class, this sucks. The water level’s sinking, I think. God knows where it’s all going though. Accidentally trod on one half of the long-nosed beetle population. Think it was a dung beetle, they’re the only ones enjoying this trip. Ham says the water’s falling off the edge of the Earth. Apparently he thinks it’s flat. I knew I’d regret dropping him on his head as a baby Got away with wiping out the future of the long-nosed beetle as a species. God doesn’t seem to have noticed. No one can see everything, I guess. We hit a fucking mountain. There’s a whole planet full of water, we’re God’s chosen people and we hit a fucking mountain. I let one of the ravens go. I figure it could use the exercise and when it comes back with mud on its feet I’ll know we’re nearly safe to leave. It fucked off. I let a dove go. They’re stupider than ravens, they always come home. If it doesn’t come back soon I’m getting Mrs N to make a pie from the spare. It brought an olive leaf – looks fresh too. Might have brought some olives - a year with no veg has played Hell with my bowels. We’re running short of food and we already ate most of the “non-essential” critters. Shame about the unicorn, it was kinda cute. God says we can disembark. About time too it stinks in here. Hey, we’re in Turkey. I always wanted to go to Turkey. I'm off to town to find a kebab shop and a titty bar. File:Ninjastar.png
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)