| abstract
| - Title Card: ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com Presents A Nostalgia* Critic Production
* Note: In the video, it is accidentally spelled Nostaglia. Clips of We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story play, in a fashion similar to that of the opening credits of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, with a rendition of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music playing in the background. Title Card: "Anyone who doesn't know who Hunter S. Thompson is will probably hate this review." - Nostalgia Critic Raoul: (voiceover) I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch, when the drugs began to take hold. Raoul: (voiceover) The only strange thing is I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I had ever experienced, and never again will I return to that nasty realm. Raoul: Because if it's anything like what I saw on the television, then the world of LSD clearly has more sense and logic than THAT of reality. Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, Father of Fozzie Journalism. I've covered everything from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Where the Buffalo Roam. But today... today, I'm here to tell you about a very particular trip. It is a trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie, but it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film that I hope never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that I hope never to experience again. There is only one children's film that could have possibly brought out this horrible trip in any manner. It is simply known as... We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story. Raoul: (voiceover) Clearly, these writers and directors have bitten off far more ecstasy than they can chew, because there is no story structure or visual logic that could be obtained from any reasonable, sober human being. At least let's pray to God there isn't. Raoul: The fact that these disturbing images is marketed as a children's film is ludicrous and unkind. Clearly, no child should ever have to go through such a horrible punishment. So, let's take the ticket... (Lights his cigarette holder) ...ride the ride. Raoul: So we start off with a pack of violent ingrates, as they pick on the runt of the group, named ... something adorable, I'm sure. Birds: (mocking) Mom, he's so adorable... Buster: Mom, don't do that! What am I, a chick?! Guess the writing's on the wall. Time to leave the nest. Raoul: This animal annoys me. He must be cast aside for more deserving character development. Raoul: Hmm, now we're seeing a dinosaur playing golf. I'm thoroughly confused... Rex (John Goodman): Whoa, there little fella. Where’d you fall from? Buster: No place! Just leave me alone! Rex: What’s your name? Buster: Buster. I’m going to run away…and join the circus! Raoul: (voiceover) The bird seems rather unfazed that there’s a dinosaur playing golf, but I’m not. This needs to be explained. Rex: I’m smart, Buster. I’m one smart dinosaur. Raoul: (voiceover) This isn’t working. I feel like I’m stuck in a Far Side cartoon with no caption. Please explain the logistics of this awkward moment. Rex: I wasn’t always. Buster: You weren’t? Rex: Nooooo, no siree. No, I started off stupid and violent. Raoul: Clearly something you and this film have in common! Raoul: (voiceover) So the dinosaur, voiced by John Goodman, tells the story about how he got to this questionable introduction. As it turns out, he use to live among the dinosaurs millions of years ago. He was savage as the creatures were, until this futuristic monstrosity to knock some sense into him. Vorb: Here, before your very eyes… Raoul: (startled) Mother of God, what is that?! Vorb: Pick your poison, partner. You’re going to love this! Raoul: (voiceover) It looks like a cereal mascot that’s been shit out by Marvin the Martian! Vorb: You, yes you, have been chosen to as a benefiter of free promotion campaign. Raoul: (voiceover) Oh, and it has Jay Leno doing an obnoxious voice. Wonderful, because Jay Leno’s normal voice wasn’t obnoxious enough... Vorb: …revolutionary product. You haven’t seen stuff like this before. Raoul: (voiceover) So the flying puss ball gives him some brain food. Literally. It’s a futuristic cereal that makes you smarter the more you eat it. This was invited by a person named Captain Neweyes, which I’m sure I’ll need after viewing this heinous work. Neweyes (Walter Cronkite): I live in the far future, where all the species and all the planets have learned to get along. Raoul: Racism is gone, all hatred is abolished, and Fox News is now a candy store. Raoul: (voiceover) By the way, the voice of Captain Neweyes is done by Walter Cronkite, a journalist on the other edge of the spectrum but we won’t hold that against him. Neweyes: And that’s the way it is. Raoul: (voiceover) So the dinosaur, who is ingeniously named Rex, is brought in to meet the other sodomized Happy Meal toys. Rex: I was a real animal. Elsa (Felicity Kendal): We all have regrets. Woog (René LeVant): The things I’ve stepped on. Dweeb (Charles Fleischer): We’ve evolved. Raoul: (voiceover) So we got a dinosaur on a spaceship that’s run by a dead news anchor and an annoying piece of alien droppings. Raoul: This is sounding like one of those Calvin and Hobbes fantasies! Raoul: (voiceover) "Spaceman Spiff travels to an alien craft where dinosaurs get smarter from eating sugary cereal"? Raoul: Hey, if a five-year-old can think it up, it’s good for cinematic production. Neweyes: It’s a Wish Radio. Kid #1: I wish I could see one of those flying dinosaurs! Kid #2: Apatosaurus! Kid #3: I wish I could see more dinosaurs! Dinosaurs! Raoul: (voiceover) So the Neweyes fart tells them his goal is to use the time machine to travel back in time to grant all the wishes of children of the world. Raoul: I would use it to stop 9/11. Unethical jackass. Raoul: (voiceover) I mean, the Kennedy assassination? The bombing of Pearl Harbor? Really? None of these are important compared to entertaining whiny little bastard children? Raoul: Well, while you’re taking requests, here’s a kid named Hitler. He just wants to start his own Third Reich and bring joy and happiness to the world. Why don’t you grant him that wish, huh? HUH?! Raoul: (voiceover) But no, Neweyes sees it best to take animals out of their natural environment and into an unknown world of fear and violence. I can’t see this going right at all. Neweyes: Now there are two people down there you should know about. One person is there to help you. Her name is Dr. Julia Bleeb. Bleeb: Welcome, welcome! Raoul: She will be voiced by a man-woman chef, Julia Child. Let the randomness continue! Neweyes: Now the other person you should know about is my brother, Professor Screweyes. He’s cruel, he’s insane. Raoul: And apparently likes to laugh when birds are randomly flying around him. He’s kind of retarded that way. Neweyes: Find Dr. Bleeb and stay well clear of my dark and unhappy brother. Beyond that…just try not to step on anybody! Raoul: Why? You’re already raping the laws of space and time, what’s a few squashed innocent bystanders going to matter? Raoul: (voiceover) So he drops them off in the middle of the Hudson River; that was nice of him; where they just so happen to come across a kid named Louie, on a raft, who is off to join the circus. They expect us to buy a lot of this movie, don’t they. Dweeb: Well, what are you? Louie: I was a runaway to the circus, until you clowns sank me. Where are you guys going, anyway? Rex: We’re going to the Museum of National History. Louie: That’s perfect! Raoul: (voiceover) Kid, you’re on a raft with fucking dinosaurs! How about a little acknowledgement of this miracle, huh?! Louie: Welcome to New York City. Raoul: (voiceover) But Rex turns into a drowning-saur as Louie manages to pick him up with some heavy machinery. Raoul: How come kids always know how to operate those things? Clips from the Power Rangers Movie and Last Action Hero are shown. Raoul: (voiceover) Power Rangers Movie, Last Action Hero, and now this. What the hell are they teaching our kids? Can’t they teach them more important things, like, how to shoot a protester? Rex: I owe you one, Louie. Louie: These things happen. Raoul: (voiceover) Well, thank you for that pointless detour, movie. If one of the characters manages to get a splinter in his foot, but then wiggles it out, please be sure to show that too. Louie: Hey, you the bat. Can you fly? Raoul: (voiceover) So Louie takes a fly on the Pterodactyl hoping they can find some place they can hide. By the way, what’s with all the excessive eye shots? Do we really need to see the movie told from everybody’s cornea? Raoul: Would you like to see the whole entire movie told like this? I don’t think so. Raoul: (voiceover) While flying around, he comes across a girl named Cecilia, who loses her hat. So he tries to return it to her. This shouldn’t cause any misunderstandings at all. Raoul: Well, that totally came out of left field. Louie: You’re killing me, what’s the matter? Cecilia: You see my father’s very business and my mother’s very social. Raoul: Hello, Lisa Simpson. Raoul: (voiceover) How distracting that your voice be coming out of that character. Cecilia: It’s my parents. Louie: What about your parents? Cecilia: It’s Thanksgiving and they’re off doing other things. Raoul: (voiceover) So she explains how her parents are never around and how even on Thanksgiving, they would leave her behind with no babysitter. Instead, they would just send her a picture of where they vacationed to. Wow, these people are whores. Cecilia: They’re just never around. Raoul: (voiceover) But if you think that’s bad, just listen to the sheer terror of what Louie has to put up with from his family. Louie: You should add my mother, slobbering kisses all over me. In public! Raoul: She should be crucified on a cross of fire! What bitch would do such a horrible thing?! Louie: I’m running away to the circus! Cecilia: You are? Louie: I am! What do you say you throw this hat away and come fly with me? Raoul: I was gonna call Child Services but... yeah, running away to the circus sounds good. Raoul: (voiceover) So she tosses her hat into the wind, as we come to… Raoul: (voiceover) ...the fucking hat’s still falling. Alright movie, I’m game, where are you going with this? Raoul: (voiceover) A child is looking at the same hat... A child is looking at the same hat... A child is looking at the same hat... A child is looking at the same hat... A child is loo-- Raoul: (voiceover) ...the fuck? Purpose, movie! We need purpose! Raoul: The whereabouts of this hat is not exciting cinema! You need to try harder! Raoul: (voiceover) So returning to the story, or the vomited remains of the story, Cecilia and Louie return to the dinosaurs. Cecilia: I’m very pleased to meet you, Woog. Louie: Stop with this tea party chatter, what are you, some kind of DuPont? Cecilia: Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Raoul: (voiceover) I think someone is getting a bone-a-saurus. That joke is below me. I apologize. Raoul: Daaah, what the fuck?! Raoul: (voiceover): Okay, this is clearing not anything representing a good time. This is freaky, unnatural, and stupid. Raoul: (voiceover) Wha- they’re in a parade? Why?! I thought they were trying to hide! There is no reason for this. This is madness! Anarchy! Chaos! Raoul: (voiceover) God, now they’re singing. If this race of monstrous lizards was truly this flamboyant, I’m not shocked that their foul, obnoxious kind are extinct! Raoul: (voiceover) What?! NO!!! You’re raping Spider-Man, you fucking fascist! Leave that American icon alone! Girl with Hat: Those are real dinosaurs. Guy in Crowd: Real dinosaurs! Raoul: Well, how does that work? One child says they’re real and suddenly everyone believes it? Like sheep to the slaughter! This isn’t entertainment, this is asinine! Raoul: (voiceover) So the local authorities are called in to stop them, I guess, as the dinosaurs go and run amok. Yes, surely Captain Neweyes has brought joy and wonder into our world. What’s next? Placing a saber-toothed tiger into a children’s orphanage?! Raoul: I... I truly have no idea what I’m watching right now. Raoul: (voiceover): What is this? A Triceratops? A grocery store with, and… He’s got hot dogs? Subways? Man reading paper? Robbery? Flashing lights? A sewer? This is The Land Before Time on crystal meth! This is not normal! This is NOT NORMAL! I’m in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo and somebody’s been giving booze to these bastards! Raoul: (voiceover) So through a series of what I can only describe as mental castration, the reptiles escape, as they plan to meet up with the kids in Central Park. Where the evil Professor Screweyes, coincidentally runs a circus. Raoul: (voiceover) I apologize, we appear to dropped off in a completely different cartoon. Raoul: That was heinous. Raoul: (voiceover) So the kids say they want to join the circus, because this guy certainly looks like a person you can trust, as Screweyes decides to write up a contract. Screweyes: I try to keep things simple. Cecilia: But there’s nothing written on it. Raoul: My God, it’s the script! This suddenly explains everything. Raoul: (voiceover) So he makes them sign the contract in blood-- Fucking blood! What is he, a sadist? --as the dinosaurs come in and try to save them. Rex: Come one kids. Come to the museum with us. The Museum of National History. Screweyes: They’re not going anywhere. They’re under contract to me for a very long time. Raoul: Always read the fine print before you sign, kid. Or any print, that would help. Raoul: (voiceover) So Screweyes shows them that he likes to scare people in his circus. And that the monstrous dinosaurs would be a great addition. Cecilia: What’s that? Screweyes: It’s Brain Drain! It’ll take you back... It’ll make you monsters! Raoul: (voiceover) You know, do you really have to invent something to make you dumber? Raoul: That’s why we have television, video games, and Martin Lawrence movies. Raoul: (voiceover) So he gives the drugs to the kids, which I guess turns them into tiny little monkeys, as he makes a deal with the prehistoric lizard brains. Screweyes: You all agree to take the brain drain and I’ll rip up with contract and set the kids free! Rex: I’ll take it. Raoul: You know, I’m sorry but, um…aren’t you a fucking dinosaur? I mean, if he comes up and says "I have a contract." You just be like "I have fucking teeth." *nom* Problem solved! How is this a bad plan? Raoul: (voiceover) So as the kids wake up, they’re greeted by a clown played by Martin Short, who apparently is so funny, that they forget all about their reptile friends being fucking danger! Raoul: Uh, dinosaur friends? Hello? Screweyes has them... Probably doing unspeakable things to them... He’s probably lobotomizing them even as we speak. Raoul: (voiceover) Alright, just sit there and laugh, you inconsiderate donkeys! You people voted for Hubert Humphrey and you killed Jesus! Stubbs: You ought to forget them and go about your business. Louie: Where are they, Stubbs? Raoul: (voiceover) So when they finally get their morality back, they sneak into the show and try to save their friends. Screweyes: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most terrifying show on the planet Earth! Raoul: Aaaah, what the hell is this?! Raoul: We can’t stop here, this is bat country! Raoul: (swatting his hands at the ghosts) Get away from me, you parasites! Raoul: Holy Jesus, what are these goddamn animals?! Raoul: Mother of God, what the fuck is this?! Raoul: This is David Lynch’s circus! Nobody should be subjected to this! Raoul: (voiceover) So the dinosaurs break loose and try to attack Screweyes. But the little New Yorker pussy tells him it wouldn’t be right to eat the bastard. Louie: Don’t do it! I’m telling ya. I know you can’t understand me but you gotta! Cecilia: Let no bad happen! Raoul: Who are you, Yoda? Nobody talks like that! Yoda: Let no bad happen, you will. (chuckles) Back to clips of We’re Back. Louie: Don’t ruin everything ‘cause you’re mad or scared or something. It can’t be all about that. Or what’s life for? I know I act like I’m the original tough guy but that’s because I’m scared too! Raoul: Don’t listen to him, kill the fucking fiend! Louie: Don’t be just another slob, spoiling the way the world should be. Raoul: You’ve done nothing but sing and skateboard on trucks! Finish the bastard! Be a credit to your species! Louie: Please, please put him down. Please! Louie: Way to go, Rex! Raoul: You fucking whore. Raoul: (voiceover) So the moral of the story is the next time a giant, fearsome animal is about to attack you, just hug the fucking thing, because clearly, that’s the most sensible thing to do. Raoul: (voiceover) So Captain Neweyes comes in to look over the horrific mess that he made and give himself a pat on the back for it. Neweyes: I heard your wish on my Wish Radio. Very good! Let no bad happen. Rex: Louie. Louie: You alright, Rex? Rex: Did I do anything…bad? Raoul: Actually I have a list right here. Uh, singing with no rhyme or purpose. Failing to live up to your fearsome, prehistoric right, trying- Louie: No. You were great. Cecilia: You were great too, Louie. Louie: Don’t do that! Cecilia: Why not? Louie: It’s unmanly, that’s what it is. Cecilia: You know, you’re right. Louie: I am? Cecilia: If anybody’s kissing anybody, you should be kissing me. Raoul: (voiceover) I don’t like this slutty girl. She has sort of a Lolita thing going. It seems unnatural. Vorb: Captain Neweyes, it’s time to go. Raoul: (voiceover) So, just before they head out, that clown that looks like a serial killer decides to go and tell his boss off. Stubbs: I quit. Quitski! That’s all she wrote! Keep my last check buddy! Here’s my shoes, my nose, my horn, my buzzer, my fake arm, my bug-eye glasses, my backstage passes, my hat… Raoul: The bit is over. Stubbs:…my rabbit, his backstage passes… Raoul: Shut up. Stubbs: ...a few birds, a pogo stick… Raoul: Shut up! Stubbs: ...my giant tongue gag… Raoul: SHUT UP! Stubbs: …my lucky whale tooth… Raoul: Shut up! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! ERGH!!! Stubbs: THAT'S... COMEDY!!! Raoul: No, it’s not! This is the circumcision of comedy! Stop talking or I’ll insert a large desert cactus into you! Raoul: (voiceover): So after he finally shuts his pie hole, the heroes take off in their ship, when suddenly this happens. Screweyes: Brother, brother, wait... When I am alone, when I have no one to scare, I get very frightened myself. The crows could… aaaah!! Voice: Big Lipped Alligator Moment! Raoul: Jesus, God! Raoul: (voiceover) So the dinosaurs live the rest of their days in a museum, where they shock kids by coming alive. Oh, how adorably precious. Meanwhile, the kids’ parents, who we never see, suddenly appear! They just appear. No lines, no explanations, no scene of them getting together. They just, blink, and they're in the story like magic. Well, when did the girl’s parents stop being whores? Did the T-Rex threaten to eat them? Did she threaten to call Johnnie Cochran? Why, movie?! WHY?! WE NEED EXPLANATION, DAMN IT!! Raoul: (voiceover) Oh, I forgot about this insipid diarrhea. Rex: Good night, little tough guy. Remember my story. Raoul: (voiceover) Why? What did he teach him?! There was no meaning to the story! Those little bastards are still making fun of him, so nothing’s changed! Is the moral "Never grow up"? "Always be a momma’s bird"? Bullshit! This is a horrible lesson! I mean, nothing was accomplished, god damn it! You think with five dinosaurs set loose in Manhattan, something would be accomplished. But no, this was a waste of my time and energy! It had no purpose! Big-Lipped Alligator Moment?! Try Big-Lipped Alligator Movie! Frightening visuals! Horrifyingly dull story lines! This movie is awful! Raoul: You know, it’s often said by former drug users that it’s actually possible to get more high without drugs than you can with them. Well, this movie is chock-full of that, man. Raoul: (voiceover) Granted, at times the animation is nice, but, it’s just deprived of anything that makes the art of cinema animation look decent. It’s a depraved, savage work. A work that tries to shove whimsical magic up your ass until it comes out your mouth as toxic fumes whistling zip-a-dee-fucking-doo-dah. Raoul: So do yourself a favor, get off the ride and get a refund. I’m Raoul Puke and I’m just another freak in the freak kingdom.
|
![[RDF Data]](/fct/images/sw-rdf-blue.png)