Facing public scrutiny for his initially lackluster response to the national insomnia epidemic, President Jimmy Carter commissioned the U.S. Senate committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions on February 7, 1979 to find its root causes and formulate a solution. Two months and 12 days later, after consuming 93 gallons of coffee and a metric ton of NO-DOZE, the policy makers found the answer: Public Television. Their volumes of research revealed that millions of Americans were staying up after hours browsing the networks for softcore porn and discovered that nothing killed the sex-drive like wrinkly old members of congress arguing over the possible ramifications of Tax reform proposition #11ty-N. "We were on a 5 minute break from research one night and I was scanning the Television f