| abstract | - It left me. Why did it leave me? Doesn't it know I need it? I need it's company- I need it here with me! But it's gone and it will never return- and I cannot live any longer without it. I want someone to know my story; just in case it happens to anyone else... It was exactly 6 days ago that it entered my life- or, at least, when I noticed it. I lived a normal life; I worked, I went to school, I was an aspiring artist and had a decent amount of friends. I was happy. It didn't like that. It was a Tuesday, I remember, (because I always had history quizzes on Wednesdays, and I had studied before I went to bed) and after drinking a glass of milk like I always do, I laid in bed and re-thought the day. Re-assessed what had been said and done, who'd I'd seen; my thoughts flooding my tired mind. With an entire day heavy on my brain, I let my eyes slide close slowly. My thoughts began to fade, and I did the same- slipping into the first sleep cycle- when I heard something outside my room. I live in a relatively small house; affordable and maintainable, a good size for a lonely artist like myself. My house was made up of a small kitchen, a living room and a hallway with a bedroom and a closet branched off and a guest bathroom at the end. The noise wasn't loud, but it wasn't normal. I sat in bed, peeking out of my covers, deciding whether I should hide and stay quiet in bed, or go investigate. When my legs began to twitch, I quietly threw my blanket off and tip toed across my room. I put my hand on the doorknob, unwilling to simply turn it and push the door open. I heard a small thump against my door. My body shaking and my vision blurring, I slowly turned the knob and pushed the door open. How it looked. How it looked at me. How it knew I was scared- and how it fed off of the fact. It stood there, two feet tall, maybe. It looked up at me and I looked down at it. It seemed to be smiling, and a small tear ran down my face. I whimpered and slowly walked back to my bed, feeling slightly paralyzed and helpless. I wrestled with my comforter and felt the need to speak to it. So, I whispered, "I don't know what you want; but you may stay, if you don't hurt me." The tension eased a bit and I felt exhaustion take over me. And I knew it was next to me, on the ground near my bed. But I closed my eyes and let myself sleep. When I awoke the sun burned my eyes. I stumbled across my room, shoving the curtains over the window. Checking my clock, I realized I was extremely late for school. Speedily getting ready and packing my things, I realized something watching me from the corner of my living room. I felt uneasy, but tried to ignore the feeling. It knows not to hurt me, I thought to myself, ...I think. With the thought in my mind, I shoved the last of my things into my backpack and ran out my house. The entire day it was on my mind. What was it doing? Was it waiting for me? Did it follow me? I would check the corners of the rooms and the shadows around me as much as I could, trying to find it. It wasn't there, it never was- but I continuously checked. I dreaded the return to home, so I took my time. It took me two hours to walk home; the normal time being forty-five minutes. Eventually I had ended up on my doorstep, frightened of what would await me inside. With trembling hands, I unlocked my door and stepped into my house. The entire house was covered in darkness. Well, not exactly... It's hard to explain. It was all shadows. The furniture was still visible, but it was as if the room was full of people, but only their shadows appeared. "Did you do this?" I whispered, not knowing where it was. I heard shuffling in the hallway. Putting my things down, I turned to face that direction. There it was. Still two feet tall, still staring up at me. Something was different about it. It seemed... more real. My chest tightened while I knelt down, trying to put myself at its level. Louder, this time, I asked: "Did you do this?" It smiled. It did not make any noise, nor did it shake or nod it's head, but the smile was enough. It had done this, and it was proud of itself. Silently, tears rolled down my cheeks. I was terrified of the small creature and terrified of the darkness it had spawned in my house. Zombie-like, I walked to my bathroom. I flipped the light switch, but of course, no lights turned on. Tears rolled harder, while I turned on the shower. The water did not heat up. And for some reason, I wasn't surprised. It was in the bathroom with me, I knew it. I didn't have to look, I felt it there. Finally, sobs broke out of my mouth. I stepped into the shower fully clothed, sat in the tub, and cried. I don't know for how long. It could've been hours, or maybe minutes. But it stayed in the bathroom with me, probably smiling as always, and every time I thought about it the tears came harder. When my tears stopped coming, I turned the water off. My body shook violently, out of a dangerous mixture of pure fear and cold. I felt nothing. When I stepped out of the tub, clothes completely soaked, it looked up at me, as always, and it's smile grew wider. I opened the door and walked to my bedroom, clothes and hair dripping. My clock had read 4:58 am- that meant I had to be at school in just an hour. Through my trembling, I spoke to it. I had to clear my throat before my words would actually project. "You make my home life miserable, but I won't let you ruin everything else." Then it appeared at my doorway. The smile had been cleaned off its face. I still had strength and will, and it hated that. I refused to undress in front of it, so I crawled into bed, instantly soaking my sheets. I pulled all my blankets onto me, begging them to keep me warm. Needless to say, I did not sleep. I pretended to, but it knew I was still awake. I kept my eyes shut for a half hour, warming myself under my blankets while my hair dried slowly. When I opened my eyes, it was 5:32 a.m. I took it as my excuse to get out of bed. My shaking had subsided slightly, though my teeth still chattered quietly. I pulled sweatpants and a hoodie over my still wet and freezing clothes, hoping the water would not soak through. I brushed through my tangled hair, keeping a straight face. I knew when I turned around, it would be there, staring at me. Taking a deep breath, I turned, and was right. I stared at it back, trying to make my eyes harden. I finally walked past it and slipped some shoes on. I walked out my door with my backpack, grateful the sun was only just now waking itself up- as I was used to the darkness I now thrived in. At school, I tried talking to a counselor. But as I explained what had been happening, her eyes would squint and she'd write something down, then look back up with open eyes again. She didn't believe me. Of course she didn't, and I knew that she wouldn't before I even talked to her. She told me that I should find a professional therapist and make appointments there. Of course I wouldn't do that- they wouldn't believe me, either. Nobody would. My friends noticed how shaken I was, but I would just ignore them. Most of them are now angry with me, because when they told me they were worried, I'd snap back at them. I said cruel things to them. I didn't want anyone knowing what was happening to me, so I pushed everyone away. By the time I got home, my body ached and my eyes were red and swollen from all the crying I had been doing lately. I sat on my porch for a half hour, sunglasses on my face, though the sky was darkening already. At first I was thinking of a way to leave- to go inside, pack my things and move away. But I knew I didn't have the money for that, or for anything else. And in the last ten minutes, I was thinking about how much I wanted to go inside. I hadn't seen it all day, and my house was perfectly dark. So, I stood up and went into my house. It was darker now. My eyes adjusted quickly, but I could only see the outline of the furniture. "I'm home," I said quietly, waiting for it to come near me. My stomach growled and I realized I hadn't eaten since it showed up. I turned into the kitchen and saw it digging through my cabinets. Most of the food I had was now open on the floor, poured into the sink or stuffed into the garbage can. My refrigerator was wide open, the food inside spoiling. "What are you doing?!" I yelled. It turned to me, and smiled, though the smile was small. "I have to eat, y'know!" I was terrified, but I was also angry. What was this thing doing? It hopped off the counter, examining my kitchen. It nodded to itself, knowing it had destroyed every edible thing in my house. It circled me a few times, smile growing. "Quit it!" I yelled, on the verge of tears. When it heard the pain in my voice, it only ran faster. So finally, I broke down again. I curled up on the floor. It stood next to my face and looked me in the eyes. And I knew what it wanted to hear... so I said it, hoping it would leave me be. "You can stay!" The smile on its face grew, and became malicious. It scampered away, fading into the houses darkness. "Hey," I said, "Come back!" It didn't. I was curled up on the floor; hungry, scared, tired, and lonely. "Please come back," I whispered, "You're all I have." And with that, I finally gave in to exhaustion. I slept for three days. None of my friends had called me or texted me. They were worthless anyways- what's a friend if they don't even help you? I threw my phone across the room, hearing it smash against the wall and fall into too many pieces on the floor. My house was darker than ever, and now I could barely see anything. The windows had been covered so no light could shine through. "Are you here?" I asked into darkness. It came to me. I smiled a sad smile. "You're here." I said happily. It was no longer smiling. "What?" I asked it, wondering what I had done wrong. "What did I do? You're not smiling. What did I do!?" It's frown deepened, and it began to look angry. I started to cry again, not knowing why it was no longer happy with me. When I cried, it's frown disappeared and began to turn upwards again. It hated my happiness. If I was miserable, it would stay with me. If I was happy, it might leave. It was all I had now- I had pushed away my friends, and I had no plans to leave the house. If it left me, I would have nothing anymore. So I hushed the urge to smile at the fact that I now knew how to keep it here and cried more. That's how I lived. I spent every waking moment sobbing, loving the fact that it would stay next to me, it's two feet tall self looking at me with the evil smile on its face. When I began to feel woozy, my stomach begging for food, I asked it if I could eat. It smiled, which meant "no." Of course I couldn't, it had destroyed all of my food. So I sighed, trying to ignore the hunger. When my tears would run dry and I couldn't cry anymore, I would talk about my misery. I would tell it how much I hated myself, how much I hated life, how much I hated it. If I told it I enjoyed its company, it would frown, and I would have to quickly fix my sentences to make it smile again. As long as I showed my weakness, it was happy with me. Two days later, I would pass out randomly due to hunger. My vision would blur, though I couldn't see anything but it, and I couldn't move due to weakness. "I need to eat, damnit. If I don't, I'll die. And I'll be happy if I die." I said angrily. That got its attention. It injected an idea into my head, without saying a word or moving at all. I knew it was its idea, for I could've never thought up anything like it. The idea was cannibalism. If I ate myself, I would be in pain and I would never be alone again, and I could ease my hunger. I was never against the idea, especially when I discovered the physical pain would keep it by my lonely side. After weighing it for a few minutes, I finally gave in. I grabbed my arm and put it in front of my face. My heart sped, and I was shaking. I didn't want to be in pain, but loneliness was the other option. I would never be alone again... Closing my eyes, I bit into my arm and tore flesh off. I muffled a scream into the now bleeding hole in my arm. I chewed slowly, tears pouring out of my eyes. I swallowed. I did this twice more, my stomach now slightly content and a new level of pain making my world spin. I looked at it through blurry eyes, and I had never seen it smile so big. "You have to stay with me now, okay?" I slurred. It sat, two feet tall, looking at me. And then I fucked everything up. The pain had made my brain go in a hundred wrong directions. I didn't know what I was saying or thinking or what was happening. So, laying down, arm still bleeding, I whispered to it. My words were slurred as if I was drugged, but I knew it still understood me. "I'm glad you're here. You keep me from being lonely. You're all I have, and I love you." It growled, a frown deep into its face. "Oh, no... I'm sorry..." I said, passing out. I don't know how long I was asleep. But when I awoke, the darkness was gone. Sun poured through my windows and I screamed, feeling my eyes burn. I stumbled across the house, violently pulling the curtains over every window. Basic darkness still wasn't enough. "Where are you!" I screamed, running through the house. It was gone. "You said I'd never be alone again!" I sobbed. "See!? I'm crying again! I'm miserable! Come back to me!" But I knew it would never come back. I could never go outside again. The sun was my enemy, just like the rest of humanity. The only thing that would ease my pain was it, and it was never coming back. Ever. It's never coming back to me. Never coming back. I am alone. I will be alone. If I am alive, I am alone. I can't be alone. No one understands. Only it. And it will never come back. Loneliness is the death of me... I am the death of me... My insanity's shadow disappeared. That is the death of me.
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