| abstract | - On May 3rd, 1045, a group of tribesmen from present-day Smolensk sailed their cedar skiffs to the Wolcott area looking for new hunting grounds. There they encountered a tribe of Native Americans. It is not known exactly how the tribesman from Smolensk were able to travel back into the past from the present-day; scientists suspect some type of stable wormhole was involved. Immediately a fight broke out. Body piled upon blood-caked body. In fact, local Natives were known for their tasty blood-cake recipe. Tomahawks, vodka bottles, scimitars, spears, and feather pillows filled the air. When the dust and feathers cleared, the Prussians were victorious over the Native Americans. As a result, all Prussians are banned from Native-owned gambling casinos forever. Charmed by the bloodshed, they built simple wattle-and-daub 3-story Cape Cod style homes roofed with prestressed asbestos and appraised at anywhere from 30,000 to 75,000 rubles. Over the years, more people came to the settlement. The housing market boomed. Eventually, they all sobered up, ran out of dynamite, and the housing market collapsed, much like most of the houses, but are somehow still inhabited. As the community became more uncivilized the citizens established a communist-inbred-anarchic commune. When that didn't work, a inbred-bourgeois town council. In 1189 this council named Wolcott Abnangagi as the first mayor and war chief pro tem. Then the group as a whole assembled to decide on the town name. Wine, watered down tap beer and BV and coke flowed; the tables groaned under the weight of roast partridge, pickled herring, headcheese, rotgut, blancmange, and several large stones placed there for the guests to sharpen their teeth on. The assembly decided on the name Wolcottsville, not to be confused with Wolcottville, an equally charming place which has been called "the whitest town in Indiana." Bad choice, eh? Within weeks God punished them by sending a ravaging plague which killed everyone. The community dissolved into nowhere. Professional magicians would soon come here from across the country to study this technique. However, miraculously only the inbreds remained in the town. Many years later -- in 1334 -- four inbred descendants of the original tribesmen happened to meet at the local watering hole. They formed a group known only by the acronym RJMK...a clever move as all four of them were illiterate. One historian later said, "The organs of this acronym are unknown to this day." We assume he meant origins but then again who knows? Maybe RJMK really does stand for body parts: Red meat, Jawbone, Mingy bits, and Krackow. Anyway, the four mounted a guerrilla war against any new inhabitants of the land...er, we forgot, somebody came around and inhabited the inhabitation's left vacant after we thought Prussian inhabitants got all plagued out. Later scientists would discover Some families survived due to the genetic inbreeding that would not allow them to die. Similar to cockroaches.
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