| abstract | - Carl: Yeah, new place everyone. Major Monogram asked me to move out. I guess he watched my videos and got tired of me using his stuff.....and his jokes.... Carl: I know what I'm going to do today! I'm going to review an overrated, overplayed, oversaturated hit song that I know everyone is dying for me to give the "Carl the Intern" treatment. (reads a piece of paper, and crumples it up) ....Apparently, I have to review a pipsqueak of a song by a band that no one's heard of or cares about. Oh well. Carl: Rock bands could be finally making a comeback. Here, we have some good ol' boys from Danville out to conquer the world with their unique blend of garage rock influence and southern rock awesomeness! Baljeet: (sings "Give Me a Grade") Carl: No, that's the Baljeatles. The band I'm supposed to be talking about is called "Jeremy and the Incidentials", and they are from Danville, but from what I can gather, garage rock is probably not one of their influences. Jeremy: La, la, la, whatever, la, la, la.... Carl: ....Yeah, we'll get to that.... Carl: There's something seriously, seriously wrong with "Tonight, Tonight". Something far more irritating, and before we start, in addition to "party" and "rocking" the Stommeling brothers and Jeremy and the Incidentials have one more thing in common: NEPOTISM! ("We Are Family" begins playing) Carl: Yes, family connections, which explains why these talentless wads got a record deal, but Irving and Albert can say that they were responsible for having family members that made good music. Jeremy and the Incidentials' connections are much suckier, and pay attention, folks, this will be the first and last time anyone will care about Jeremy and the Incidentials again. (screen shows Jeremy's uncle playing a guitar and singing) Carl: This is Joe Johnson, the uncle of one of the band members. He used to be in a rock group in the eighties', and he was actually pretty good, but in the 2000's, Joe decided to change genres and get sucked into the black hole that is (in an evil voice) CHRISTIAN ROCK. (screen shows a picture of a hippie wearing a shirt with Jesus on it while evil music plays in the background) Annotation: IT'S COOL TO LOVE JESUS Carl: The other two band members' fathers started working together in the mid-90s. They produced some of the worst manufactured pop-country songs I've ever heard. Isabella: (with Autotune) Oooh, I love the way you love the way you love me, there's no where else I rather be... Carl: (shudders) Carl: So, what kind of music do the spoiled-(bleep) kids of the world's most boring musicians make? Well, let's take a listen! (screen shows Jeremy dressed as a nerd) Jeremy: (singing) It's been a really, really messed up week, seven days of torture, seven days of bitter. And my girlfriend went and cheated on me, (shows Candace making out with Cain) she's a California dime, but it's time for me to quit her. (Coltrane, who is also dressed as a nerd, walks over to Jeremy and tries to comfort him about losing Candace) Jeremy: La, la, la, whatever.... (Stacy walks by and accidentally spills coffee on Coltrane's shirt. Coltrane looks upset for a second, then shrugs) Jeremy: La, la, la, it doesn't matter... Carl: Well, he's sure taking that well. Weirdly well. Kinda confusingly well. Was "la, la, la, whatever" a really appropriate response to that? Is anyone else besides me thinks he's weird for being that chill about it? What's with this guy? (shows Carl opening the door to his house) Gosh, what a beautiful day! (picks up a newspaper off the ground and reads it) Let's see what's in the news! Heinz Doofenshmirtz is rising to power!? My Little Pony is taking over the universe!? Oh well! (singing) La, la, la.... Carl: At this point, I already hate this song. There are some singers who can make nonsense syllables like "la, la, la" and view them with depth, meaning.... Baljeet, Irving, and Django: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, I love you... Carl: And there are some artists that make already meaningless syllables and make them sound so dopey that they actually have no meaning. They suck the meaning out of the words around them. Carl: There's something about the tone of this song that just (bleeps) me off. Okay, I usually don't quote other critics, but I usually read other people to find the general feel of what's out there, and doing so, I came across one blog writer who said that that "Tonight, Tonight" sounded, quote, "the guy from the Arby's ads teamed up with the freecreditreport.com band and released a three minute song". Well, review over, I'm not going to beat that. Carl: I truly hate it when I can't tell the difference between a song and a commercial. A few years ago, there was an ad for a new MP3 player, and there was a song that I thought was a jingle for the ad because there was no way that a song that stupid could be real. Ferb: One, two, three, go ahead and come with me, cause you look so fine, and I really wanna make you mine.... Carl: "Cause you look so fine, and I really wanna make you mine". (gags) To this day, I can't believe that that is a real song. Carl: The fact that they named this song "Tonight, Tonight" is lazy. Part is because there's already a good song called "Tonight, Tonight", and because naming a song called "Tonight, Tonight" is like naming a song called "Love You Love You Baby Love Love". Just about anyone can create a generic party song with the words "tonight", "everybody", "fun".... Gretchen: Fun, fun, fun, fun... Carl: Or worse, "everybody have fun tonight". Zanzibar: Everybody have fun tonight... Carl: That song's awesome. Jeremy: I woke up with a strange tattoo, not sure how I got it, not a dollar in my pocket. And it kinda looks just like you, mixed with Zach Galifianakis.... Carl:....What? What was that verse intended to convey? That's going way over my head. Is this a joke? Is that supposed to be a punchline that he's a colossal (bleep)-up? Was that supposed to be a slam against his cheating girlfriend? That he got a tattoo of a bearded fat guy who looks nothing like her? Burn....? Carl: You know, there are some party songs out there that turn me off because they're sleazy or gross, like basically all of Stacy's songs. But "Tonight, Tonight" goes wrong in the opposite direction. Jeremy: It's my party, dance if I want to, we can get crazy, let it all out... Carl: (sarcastically) Woo yeah, crazy. Does this sound like a party you would want to go to? This is not the "fun" kind of party. This isn't the party where you do "it" and meet people. This is the party thrown by your school's PTA. This is the party that they throw after eighth grade graduation because they're afraid that you're going to drive around drunk and get pregnant, so they throw an all-night sleepover party to go to instead at the community center. You can play games like "pin the tail on the platypus" and "bobbing for apples in non-alcoholic punch". And no one you want to talk to is there, and the girl who you wanted to ask to the eighth grade dance but you never had the nerve to ask suppposedly is there, so that's the only reason why you came. But she didn't come, and she went to some other party with the basketball team captain, who's a total jerk. And the basketball team sucked the entire year, but who cares. And she Facebooked about how awesome the party was, and you wished you could have gone, but God knows that you probably weren't invited. And it probably would have sucked anyway because she would be all over Basketball Jerk the entire time. But it would have still been better than staying all night in the (bleep) gym with your (bleep) sleeping bag and your (bleep) pajamas, waiting for your mom to pick you up.....Yeah.....that kind of party...I think we've all been there.... Stacy: There's a place downtown, where the freaks all come around.... Carl: So, too much partying.... Jeremy: Tonight, tonight.... Carl: Not enough partying... Phineas and Isabella: Summer belongs to you! Carl: Just right. Jeremy: Even the white kids.... Carl: Even the white kids? EVEN THE WHITE KIDS!? Oh, (bleep) you, you (bleep) little (bleep)! (sarcastically) Get it? Because the lead singer is white! Whiter than a snowman! Get it!? (laughs sarcastically) So clever, you (bleep) insufferable little (bleeps). Carl: And that was the point where I agreed that Jeremy and the Incidentials were not only boring and bland, but worse than Gretchen, who made "Friday", the most annoying party song in the world. How do I put this? Well, I watched all three Danville School Musicals. Monty, Vanessa, Candace, Phineas, Stacy, and Coltrane: We're all in this together.... Carl: Don't ask me why, I just did. Now, I don't think I'm going to hurt anyone's feelings by saying they're all awful. Badly made, badly written, badly acted Disney garbage. But at the end of the day, you can't get mad at Danville School Musical. It's too stupid to know any better. But, what if you took Danville School Musical and kept it just as bland and lame, except you added a huge dose of smug and arrogant self-awareness? Then you'll have something like Glee. Candace, Jeremy, Stacy, Vanessa, and Baljeet: Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling... Jeremy and the Incidentials: (sing "Tonight, Tonight") Carl: This song makes me feel exactly like that. Not only is this song horrible, it knows it, and it wants you to know it. Eat. My. (bleep). Carl: I've covered people on this show that were one-hit wonders, like Albert, and Phineas and the Ferbtones, only to see them pull a second hit out of nowhere. Please, please, God, please let Jeremy and the Incidentials become a one hit wonder. Please dump them in the same trash can where we dumped Lindana or Max Modem. Jeremy: Tonight, tonight.... Carl: (annoyed) Tonight, yes. (walks away) (episode ends)
|
