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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:A Visit from Satanbear
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| rdfs:comment | - It may be a bit gory, but please review it in due time. -- - updated on 22 September 2011, at 00:16 I'm still waiting. -- - updated on 4 October 2011, at 22:51 Thanks for keeping us posted. Anyway, I'll get this one. -- 10:32, November 12, 2011 (UTC)
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| Pcomment | - Remember that poetry needs to be proofread just as carefully as written prose, and reading it aloud to yourself is vital to making sure it all makes sense. Try reading this line aloud, I found it quite difficult to do.
Your choice of language is also rather strange at times:
- "He went into the other room,
- Much of the article suffers from clumsy rhythm. The syllables in corresponding lines very rarely match each other, like here for instance:
"But another visitor was lurking,
- and texting his friends"
- far from the fantasies that bring on the jerking"
- listening to music on his iPod,
- where a non believer sat in,
- It's not vital in terms of comedy, but if the stresses are the same in each line it will be easier to read.
Others are just muddled and hard to follow:
- “For any of children had no clue arriving was Satanbear“
- ”Now that's quite a lot for a demonized bear”
- What is quite a lot? And demonised; is he demonised? He's evil, but... demonised makes it sound like he's victimised.
And finally, sometimes your rhymes don’t even rhyme at all :
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| Icomment | - Just one, and I guess it's the perfect choice for the article you have because it establishes your concept, but then as an image it's not particularly funny. Also the bear doesn't actually look that evil, he looks sorta cute, just with red eyes. The caption doesn't make any grammatical sense either. It'd be nice to see pictures of a whimsical family Christmas with Satanbear photoshopped in the place of Santa. Or something.
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| Ccomment | - The biggest problem here is that there isn't really anything inherently funny about a Christmas bear who steals presents and kills children. Now, perhaps you could still make people laugh with it if the jokes were good, but the only jokes you really have are a few needless masturbation references with little to no set-up. This article doesn't work because it doesn't parody anything. It has no clever twist on a real life thing, in fact it barely has any correlation to real life at all. If, for instance, you followed the format of the popular poem "T'was the Night before Christmas", but spoofed all of its niceties with vulgarity and cynicism, then you might be on to something . If you want to make this article good you're probably going to have to put a lot more thought into it, although sometimes being a good writer is knowing when to just give up and move on to something else. Overall your idea is too easy, too cheap; exactly the kind of thing the UnPoetia namespace seems to be a springboard for, and unless you're doing something like Al and Guildy's masterpiece UnPoetia:Well-Oiled Birds, you might as well not bother with UnPoetia at all.
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| Hcomment | - "On Christmas eve the lights were dim,
- the children in bed and tucked in"
It doesn't sound like something anyone would say in real life. And this not only ruins the flow but the jokes too. The line where you say "disallow you to fap" is also a good example of this, it's not funny because it's such a clumsy phrase.
...But that's not the only thing ruining the humour. Even if the flow and the rhythm were perfect, the jokes themselves just aren't that well thought out. Why would anyone fap to Satanbear in the first place? Sudden and random references to masturbation are not funny. Jokes have to be unexpected but they can’t leap out of nowhere like this. They have to be built-up using subtlety and care. For example: “Satanbear loves kids, but he couldn’t eat a whole one.” That is by no means a hilarious joke but I hope you can see what I mean. It’s better because it starts by misleading the reader. Think upon that when you write jokes in future.
I also ponder the motivation behind your last line: "Satan is an anagram for Santa." – So what? Is that your justification for writing the article, because if it is it's a poor one.
- Hey Lollipop, hope you're well.
You should probably know that UnPoetia is possibly my least favourite namespace. I've literally only seen four or five articles in it that I think are any good. Anyway, I'm not reviewing the namespace here, just letting you know that I don't necessarily blame you for any weaknesses this article may have. That said, let's get to it.
The jokes are ruined by a couple of things in my opinion. First of all, a lot of the phrasing is awkward and obviously only there because you wanted to rhyme. It's obvious you've prioritised rhyming over flow, especially in parts like this:
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| Fcomment | - So overall it’s not a terrible piece, but with only five or so edits in the history you can’t exactly expect it to be amazing. Seriously, I’m sorry if I’ve been harsh here but UnPoetia should only really be used scarcely . This kind of thing ain't really my cup of tea either, so that might have something to do with it. If you really want to continue to work on this, you’ll need to tidy up the prose and the rhythm, and work on getting some better gags in there. If you have any questions or want me to look at anything I might have missed, please let me know. I hope the review is ok.
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| abstract | - It may be a bit gory, but please review it in due time. -- - updated on 22 September 2011, at 00:16 I'm still waiting. -- - updated on 4 October 2011, at 22:51 Thanks for keeping us posted. Anyway, I'll get this one. -- 10:32, November 12, 2011 (UTC)
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