| abstract | - {Outside Phil's house. Phil is wearing a hat saying "OMG".} PHIL: {sigh} I can never get a date for New Year's. What should I do? JOEL: Die. Wait a minute, you go somewhere on New Year's? PHIL: Uhh, have you ever looked next door, Joel? Ever? JOEL: People live next door to us? TOPATO: Greetings again, consumer Phil to an annual world of celebration and adventure. {looks at Joel} Ahh, but I do not recognize this commercial identity. Address to me your name at once, intruder of peace! JOEL: Do you even have the permission of the creator to use this character? TOPATO: You fool! Do you not see the commercial opportunities with your geometric eyes? They are apparent even to- TOPATO: -Slim-jor, turkey of quiet intelligence, who may dispatch to the rebel eternal monkeys, because of his intelligence! TOPATO: The executives, who cover decisions, have strategically placed- TOPATO: -the SEGA sponsored 2003 New Year's Joy Festival for maximum profit potential. It pushes the brand. TOPATO: You will come for the alchohol and broken dreams, and you will stay for the merchandise, and the timeshares you will buy in your drinking status. PHIL: Yeah... I'm- uh, going to talk to people about interesting things... see ya. {leaves} JOEL: You know, you didn't answer my question. TOPATO: Yes, this is a secret operation. The creators are oblivious to our campaign. Tell me, circular one, are you familiar with "fair use"? JOEL: {annoyed} This is not fair use! TOPATO: It is fair use if you do not address me by my real identity. {holds up a piece of paper reading "topato"} Try the following anagram, IF YOU DARE!! JOEL: But, th- that's your normal name. TOPATO: The Ts have switched places. This is obvious to everyone! I declare this conversation OVER... drink Pepsi. PHIL'S FRIEND: Whatever happened to Robot Jones? PHIL: What?! TUCK: Kansas Jones, you said that she became a Sega robot? PHIL: Yeah, well, that's all in the past. I thought she's be great for me, but... truth be told, I don't want an emo girlfriend. TUCK: Emo girlfriend? PHIL: Emo girlfriends. They kill you on the inside. Like that time she died her hair... PHIL: Hey, we're going to Denny's and uh, oh you uh... PHIL'S GIRLFRIEND: It still hurts. Why am I still alive? PHIL: Well, all right. But I'm still going to Denny's. ELLY: So, what did you get for Christmas? PHIL: Nothing. ELLY: {shocked} Nothing? That's insane! PHIL: Joel and I seem to have so much thanks. It's a combination. ELLY: That's... tragically stupid. That's why I celebrate Hanukkah now. PHIL: No it's not. It's because Santa grants people's perverted wishes. ELLY: I could only imagine what you wanted to wish for. PHIL: I wish for peace on Earth. ELLY: Pffgh! {leaves} PHIL: A piece of that fine ass. TOPATO: Can I help you? DG: I'm looking for someone's mom! TOPATO: I do not believe in moms! Be gone! {Cut to Joel} JOEL: So what is it you do for the holidays? Brendon Small of Home Movies? PHIL: Yeah, he does this all the time, interviews imaginary people. It's kind of embarrassing. JOEL: The only thing that's embarrassing, is between your legs. DG: Oh snap! PHIL: {angered} Whay are you making this difficult for me? JOEL: That's what she said. DG: Zing! JOEL: See Phil? I'm the life of the party, and that gives me authority. And I authorize you, to lizzle! PHIL: {to Joel} I'm going to kill you. JOEL: He's assaulting authority! Throw him out! PHIL: What? Fine. I hope you die, Joel. I hope you never get to breathe a second of oxygen in the New Year. JOEL: {peeking his head in and then out} Kick his ass, Topato. TOPATO: I told you to address me by "Topato", not "Topato". You wanna be sued, angry annie? JOEL: Hey, lady. Ditch the loser, hang with a boozer. UNKNOWN WOMAN: I think I will. PHIL: This is the worst night of my life this year. PHIL: In summation of 2003... Phil Argus... Got attacked by Super Munchers, lost my only girlfriend, nearly lost my house, gained and lost super powers, and has no future. Joel... JOEL: {off-screen} Thanks, guys! What? Yeah, I'll take that timeshare! It comes with a million dollars! Send it to the beach mansion! Oh, you guys! Oh-ho-ho-ho... {walks on-screen, and is now wearing the OMG hat} Oh boy... Oh hey, Phil. JOEL: What, you still hate me? PHIL: Yes. JOEL: Awesome.
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