| abstract | - Bushtail raised his head, staring out at the inky blackness of the night. Beside him, Stickyfoot yawned and rolled over in his sleep. But he couldn't sleep. Not tonight. He had had a dream again. About her. She was everywhere, in his thoughts, in his vision, in his sleep, no matter how much he pushed her out. No matter how much he reminded himself that they could never be. Her name echoed through his head. Songflight. A shiver ran through him as he remembered the feel of her silver pelt against his, her musical voice and lilting laugh, as clear to his ears as if she were really there. Tonight was a night for remembering, Bushtail decided. Deputy of TreeClan he may be, but Songflight was the one place he couldn't fight. The one place in his heart that was rendered helpless when she came up. So he leaned back and closed his eyes, lapsing into a pool of memories. "I don't know why I come here, every night," he said aloud, his eyes fastened to her face like he could never get enough of her. Which, he probably couldn't, no matter if they had eternity together. "I guess I should be sorry, but I can't help it." "Neither can I," she breathed, her green eyes glowing like a pair of emeralds. "I doubt either of us could explain it if we tried." She leaned her head against his shoulder, and a ripple of protective love coursed through Bushtail. He couldn't imagine life without Songflight, without knowing that she loved him back, or at least that she was safe and sound. Licking her forehead gently, he murmured, "Someday we might have to." Songflight snuggled deeper into his fur, her voice soft and muffled. "I don't want to. Could we even put it into words?" Letting his gaze travel up to the moon, whose glowing shine was the same color as her glossy fur, he shook his head. "No. It's just between us." "Sometimes," Songflight meowed, turning to face him. "I feel like my paws actually leave the ground when I'm around you." She blushed, which only made her look prettier. "Silly, huh?" "No," he breathed. How could he say that was exactly how he was feeling right now? Everything seemed to be lost in a dreamy fog, even his own body. Everything except her, like she was the only thing he could be sure of. "I feel the same way." A slow smile spread across her face. "It's not fair that we have to hide it," she said. Leaning forward, Songflight brushed his nose against his, and once again, the extrodinary feeling, a combination of pure bliss and soaring, shot through him, like an intoxicating drug, something that was only between them. Glancing back towards his territory, Bushtail felt a stab of resentment. He never wanted to go back; it felt like he could spend his entire life here, he and Songflight wrapped in their own little cocoon. Love can do anything, can't it? "I never want to be in a world without you," he whispered into her fur. His heart pounded in his chest, and he was sure she could hear it. He could hear hers, like the beat of a drum, as their bodies pressed together like two pieces of a puzzle, flanks so close they must have looked like one cat. If anyone was around to see, which there wasn't. Songflight's eyes were hazy. "I know. I wish it could be like this forever." But they both knew it couldn't. "I got it!" Songflight cried out triumphantly, emerging with a mouse from the bracken. She laughed and flopped down on the ground. Bushtail collapsed beside her, their pelts a few inches apart, and yet it felt too far. Electricity crackled between the two of them like during a new-leaf storm. He took a small bite of mouse, pushing away the guilt of eating prey without bringing any back to his Clan. But he couldn't afford to leave any evidence of his night outings, in case someone followed him or asked questions. "Nice catch," he praised her. She laughed. "So now you compliment me? I see how it is." She flicked her tail against him, and the mere feel of its slender shape made the world spin before his eyes. He said nothing, losing his power of speech, and only gazed at her adoringly. As usual, Bushtail felt his thoughts darken as he thought about when they had to part. How could he force himself to watch her walk away into the night again? To let her go into her own world, which he had no hope of entering or being a part of? Smoothing the fur around her beautiful, daintily featured face, he said in a husky voice, "How are you? Are you all right?" "I'm fine," she smiled, an elusive brightness in her voice. "Are you?" "Yeah. Right now, I'm perfect. This is perfect." Finally, she got to her feet. Bushtail winced, the cold air surrounding the spot where she had lain, and he stood too, sadness seeping back into his heart. "I have to go," she said apolegetically. "I know." His tail drooped, and he touched noses with her one more time. They pressed against each other, and Bushtail felt everything fall away, like they were in their own impenetrable fortress or castle, where they could aways be together. A tear slid down her cheek, and he licked it away. "Come on. I'll see you in a couple days. We've gone through this before. Our love is stronger then the warrior code." Her eyes glimmered. "Yes. But not in a couple of days. Tomorrow." "Tomorrow," he promised with a grin. She had meant everything to him. She still did. How could she not have seen that? How could she have let what they had go? Bushtail's eyes returned to the stars, the same stars that had twinkled so brightly when they were together, the same stars that shone over the WaterClan camp right now. He loved TreeClan, and was honored to be deputy, but right now he resented his Clanmate's and their judgemental stares at Gatherings more then he ever dreamed possible. What was wrong with the other Clan? Surely not that much, if they had cats like Songflight. Snap out of it. That's over now, he told himself. A sudden longing to have her beside him overwhelmed him, so hard that tears stung the back of his eyes. He forced them back, but his mind sent him spinning back to the fateful full moon. The night when she had told him that they could no longer be mates. That had been the worst day of his life, despite the momentary joy of their last time really together. They had behaved like a pair of lovestruck apprentices, and Bushtail had found hismelf enjoying it with every part of it with wild abandon. Till she left. Then his heart had ripped itself out. His heart had beat so fast back then. Now it felt like it would stop altogether if she didn't return to him. He wanted her in his life more then he could ever express. Needed her. "I'll never really let you go," he whispered softly, so as not to wake any of the others. "You'll always be my heart. But sometimes... sometimes that just isn't enough." I want this to last "I need all of you. I need your touch, your feel, your voice." The words were spoken quietly, but not with any less feeling. "And someday, I know I'll find you." Deep down in his heart, Bushtail knew it was true. Never mind that idiotic silver tabby he saw her with at Gatherings. Never mind all the restrictions, boundaries, and hurt they had experienced. They would find each other again. Someday, perhaps in StarClan, he would find her again, and this would all be worth it, every part of his life. Only when he had passed into the sky and met her would be truly be flying. And there was only one truth left in Bushtail's mind as he curled up again, Songflight's face still imprinted into the back of his mind.
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