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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/UnBooks: Book of Communism
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| rdfs:comment | - Not finished yet, so expect this to be kinda short. Indepth and thanks-- 02:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC) 02:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC) link here-- 02:52, January 23, 2010 (UTC) I'm going to go ahead and review this. 17:29, Jan 30, 2010
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| Mcomment | - Averaged. My scoring is arbitrary.
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| Pcomment | - The tone is fairly consistent, but I'm not a fan of it. You seem to need to cleanup your spelling and grammar, though. Here are some errors that I spotted:
- Chapter 1
*if it was't for him
*put Communism into pratice,
*With the Russian Revolution had ended the worthless previous goverment and Lenin and his Bolshevik Party become rulers of Russia and creating the Soviet Union. - I think I understand what you mean, sounds clearer like this: "When the Russian Revolution ended the worthless previous government, Lenin and his Bolshevik Party became rulers of Russia, creating the Soviet Union." or "With the Russian Revolution, he ended the worthless previous government. Thus, Lenin and his Bolshevik Party became rulers of Russia, creating the Soviet Union."
*and powerful nations
*most evilesh man
*killed Hilter himself - also spelled wrongly in the rest of the section
*they could'nt kill
*days of tyranny is finish
*His wife Eva
*Your greater than me
*Thank you, you thank you
*took on of the now decease
*won't be embarresed
*Amercia and Britain
*favroite
*don't wan't to
*Seriouly he's
Chapter 2
*group consisiting of
*Teaching Children of Tomarrow
- Lead
*"Dmitri Mikihal" - Mikhail?
*"will be accompning us"
*"cheesburgers"
Intro
*Well, your in luck
*that Communist have been known to massacre mony people, and restrict many freedoms, and even pay to use the bathroom
*Thats right
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| Icomment | - Well, there are images. The images are kind of like "just there", and they're not that funny. I think I'll suggest some propaganda images with funny captions. A picture of your narrator, too, maybe.
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| Hcomment | - General comments
- Lead
*You might want to be careful about the tone and prose. The narrator and his friend use an English that's very casual and Americanized, like they have been speaking English all their lives. That shouldn't be the case. You can also say that they have a good translator, but translated language shouldn't sound this natural and casual. Inappropriate prose can ruin a lot of jokes.
*"...will shoot at anything..." is a bit too blunt for me. Maybe say something like "our friendly escort who has sworn to protect our beloved communism", or something to that effect.
*"American cheesburgers" - one of your better jokes. You can also take this chance to insult America and other non-communist countries.
Intro
*Again, could use more subtlety.
*Sorry for being blunt but a lot of the "jokes" in this article can be summed up with one sentence, which is "Communism is great, NOT!" Coupled with the Americanized English, it sounds like the Book of Communism is written from the point of view of an American.
Chapter 1
*A lot of exposition, and it sounded like you copied them off a history book and added a little bias. The jokes made seemed a little juvenile.
Chapter 2
*From the direction that it's going in, it seems to be informing the reader rather than trying to make the reader laugh.
- Personally, I'm one of those people who thinks that communism is good IN THEORY, in other words, I'm a wishy-washy, possibly gay, left wing socialist. When I read your article, I got the feeling that you don't know your subject very well. It's like trying to satirise Barack Obama and focusing solely on him being born in Kenya. I'm thinking one of the reasons you got stuck is because you can only say so much about one thing, which is that Communist regimes are incredibly cruel. You also forgot about North Korea, besides being the last bastion of true communism it is another article that deals with the same subject matter as yours.
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| Signature | - Hiatus Hernia/sig2 (12:27, Jan 31, 2010)
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| abstract | - Not finished yet, so expect this to be kinda short. Indepth and thanks-- 02:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC) 02:51, January 23, 2010 (UTC) link here-- 02:52, January 23, 2010 (UTC) I'm going to go ahead and review this. 17:29, Jan 30, 2010
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