| abstract | - As the awesome credits fade, we see Bran, standing in the yard at Winterfell, practicing his archery, which is strange since last episode he was a paraplegic. He sees a large crow or raven and follows it through the courtyard, only to realise it has three eyes--this far from Springfield, this is disturbing--but then he wakes up, and realises he's still crippled. Theon Greyjoy comes in and tells him they have visitors; Hodor, a large bearded man who can apparently say nothing but his name, is brought in to serve as a low-tech wheelchair. They go down to meet the visitor, who turns out to be Tyrion Lannister. He asks if Bran remembers anything from his accident, and Maester Luwin swiftly assures him that he remembers nothing from that day. Tyrion has also brought a present for Bran--a design for a saddle that will allow Bran to sit a horse without using his legs. Robb questions Tyrion's motives, but Tyrion points out that he has a soft spot for cripples, bastards, and broken things. Realising he's been kind of a dick, Robb offers Tyrion Winterfell's hospitality, but Tyrion says he'll bed down elsewhere and everyone will be more comfortable for it. On his way out, Tyrion runs into Theon Greyjoy, and deduces very quickly that Catelyn Stark has left Winterfell. Tyrion also mocks Theon about his family; as it turns out, Theon's father lead a rebellion at some point, while outnumbered ten to one, and all of Theon's brothers were killed in the fighting. Theon himself seems to get along with the Starks as well as can be expected for a glorified hostage, but he's not pleased by Tyrion talking down to him. Meanwhile, on the Wall, Aliser Throne introduces a new recuirt, Samwell Tarly, and has him "spar" with the others. Samwell is fat, shy, and no swordsman; in fairness, he does about as well as 98% of the people watching the show would, and is very quickly overwhelmed. He's knocked over and yields, and Thorne has one of the boys keep hitting him to "encourage" him to rise. Eventually, Jon Snow steps in to defend Sam, and Thorne sets three other students to attacking him. When they're defeated, Jon storms off in disgust, and recieves Sam's profuse thanks. Sam also confesses that's he's a coward, which makes some of the other boys nervous. We cut to Vaes Dothrak, the City of the Horse Lords, where Khal Drogo's horde has just arrived. Viserys grumbles about the mud and the lack of fancy architecture, and when Daenerys tells him not to speak of her people that way, he throws a tantrum and rides off. Daenerys asks Ser Jorah Mormont if Viserys could actually take the Seven Kingdoms if he did have an army of Dothraki at his command, and while Jorah is very diplomatic about it, and takes the time to mention a plot point that the Dothraki fear water their horses can't drink, his answer still boils down to "are you kidding me? Hell no." He also relates his own backstory: he sold slaves (poachers, specifically, to a Tyroshi), which is illegal in the Seven Kingdoms: "I had no money, and an expensive wife." Viserys is in a bathtub, and Doreah is with him. This whole scene is what has been called a "sexposition" scene, in which characters deliver a series of Infodumps whilst shagging each other. We're going to skip the shagging and stick to the exposition: the Targaryens were able to conquer the Seven Kingdoms because they were Dragon Riders. Also, the Iron Throne is actually made of swords, not just in the shape of them, all melted together by a dragon's breath. While the last dragons died many years ago, their skulls used to hang in the throne room at the Red Keep. Viserys names as many of them as he can remember before he gets Distracted By The Sex, but the pertinent ones for us are Vhagar, Meraxes and Balerion, the three dragons whom the Targaryens first rode in on. One was cream-and-gold, one was green-and-bronze, and one was black-and-red. Speaking of the Iron Throne, Sansa visits it in the company of Septa Mordane, who tells her about the bright and happy future she has ahead of her as Joffrey's queen. Sansa, who is still broken up about Lady, isn't having it. Eddard Stark, for his part, is receiving an update from a man who is evidently in charge of the city's police; his name isn't mentioned onscreen, but it's Janos Slynt, and he is indeed Lord Commander of the City Watch, called the "gold cloaks" for their distinctive capes. Slynt is reporting on unrest caused by the large number of people who have come to King's Landing for the tournament. Obviously, Ned did not succeed in dissuading Robert from throwing it. Once the meeting is over, Ned consults with Grand Maester Pycelle, who was Jon Arryn's personal physician during his passing. Pycelle mentions that Lord Arryn visited him the night before he died, inquiring after a particular book: "The Lineages and Histories of the Great Houses of the Seven Kingdoms, with descriptions of many high lords and noble ladies and their children." The book is as much a Doorstopper as the name would imply. When asked about Lord Arryn's last hours, Pycelle mentions that he kept saying, "The seed is strong," but ascribes this to meaningless deathbed babble. When asked about the possibility that Arryn was poisoned, Pycelle describes poison as the weapon of women, cravens... and eunuchs. "Did you know Lord Varys is a eunuch?" "Everybody knows that," Ned retorts. As he returns to his quarters with the book, he comes across Arya standing on one toe, practicing lessons from Syrio. She's sad that Bran will have to make a new way in the world, since he can't be a Knight in Shining Armor anymore, but as far as she's concerned her own course is set: she's going to be an Action Girl. Jon Snow is keeping watch at the top of the Wall when Samwell Tarly shuffles up. The two share a fire, the watch and some back stories; Sam reveals that his father gave him the choice between taking the black and having a "hunting accident." Sam worries that he'll be made to spar again on the morrow: "I'm not going to get better." "Well," Jon observes with a smile, "you can't get any worse." And, just like that, he has a new friend. Ned and Littlefinger take a page from Aaron Sorkin's book with a Pedeconference. (Who knew that technique was Older Than Steam?) Littlefinger offers the identity of Jon Arryn's former squire, "Ser Hugh of the Vale," who was knighted almost immediately after Arryn's death. Hmm, that's not suspicious at all. Littlefinger also points out all the spies in the area: there's one of Varys's "little birds," a gardener in the pay of the queen, and a septa who works for Littlefinger himself. All of them are keeping tabs on Ned Stark. Littlefinger tells him to send a deputy to question Ser Hugh, and then suggests a visit to an armorer on the Street of Steel, whom (according to Littlefinger's spies) Lord Arryn visited a number of times just prior to his death. Does any of this reek of Petyr Baelish just dropping a little too much information? Because to Ned Stark, Honor Before Reason personified, it doesn't. He thanks Littlefinger and apologizes for not trusting him. But Littlefinger smiles that little smile of his he does so well, and says, "Distrusting me was the wisest thing you've done since you got off your horse." Jory Cassel goes to interview Ser Hugh but finds him pompous and arrogant. The armorer (name: Tobho Mott) is more obliging, and introduces Ned to the object of Lord Arryn's interest: "the boy". His name is Gendry. He has fashioned himself a helm in the style of a bull and was clearly born to Drop the Hammer, which serves him in his current profession as The Blacksmith. He has black hair and Blue Eyes. Does This Remind You of Anything?? It reminds Ned of someone: when Jory asks him, he confirms that Gendry is Robert Baratheon's bastard son. Up at the Wall, Jon gathers the other new recruits and hands down the law: nobody is to lay a hand on Samwell Tarly in sparring, no matter how Ser Alliser yells at them. "Sam's no different from the rest of us. There was no place for him in the world, so he's come here." Pyp and Grenn fall in line, but Rast decides to keep bullying... At least until the other three ambush him while he sleeps and lets him look down the snarling gullet of a direwolf. Come morn, all plays out as Jon has ordained, and Sam survives training, even managing to "defeat" Grenn. Unfortunately, Ser Alliser manages to ruin everything by coming up with a good point: "When you're out there, beyond the Wall, with the sun going down, do you want a man at your back? Or a snivelling boy?" Daenerys is minding her own business in her tent when Viserys happens, spitting anger and dragging poor Doreah by the hair. "You sent this whore to give me commands!" Dany explains that something must have been lost in translation, because she was actually trying to invite Viserys over for a meal. She also had Dothraki-style riding garments made for him, a leather vest and a gold-medallion-encrusted belt, but he throws them back in her face (literally), Turns Red, and begins to bully her physically, claiming she's "woken the dragon." Dany seizes the belt and smacks him across the face with it. It only takes the one cut over his cheekbone to make him back off. Anticlimax Boss much? Next there's a scene where Jon and Sam gossip about how members of the Night's Watch visit the brothel in nearby Mole's Town, despite their vows of celibacy. Sam admits his frustration with girls, and Jon admits he's just as untouched as Sam: while he had an opportunity to bed Ros, the red-haired whore so beloved of Theon, he didn't go through with it because he didn't want to visit on some other child his own surname of "Snow"; the name given to all bastards in the North. Anyway, they're interrupted by Ser Alliser, who gives some Post Dramatic Stress Disorder grumbling about the last time he went beyond the Wall. Evidently it was very traumatic. The Aesop of the tale? Once they take their vows, "They will call you men of the Night's Watch, but you'd be fools to believe it. And come the winter, you will die like flies." In her tent, Dany paces and agonizes over offending her brother. Ser Jorah, though, is basically dismissive of her concerns. He asks if she really wants to see Viserys sit on the Iron Throne, and Daenerys admits the truth, possibly for the first time: "My brother will never take back the Seven Kingdoms. He couldn't lead an army if even if my husband gave him one. He'll never take us home." Back in the Seven Kingdoms, "The Hand's" tourney is beginning. Sansa, Arya and Septa Mordane, in the stands, are visited by Petyr Baelish, who introduces himself as an old friend of their mother's. (He also explains his nickname, for those who were wondering: he hails from a peninsula of the Vale called "The Fingers" and was a bit of a runt when he was young.) King Robert, bored, yells for the jousts to begin, and with some helpful narration from from Littlefinger, we are introduced to the first two contestants: Ser Hugh of the Vale, and Ser Gregor Clegane, the Hound's older brother, called "The Mountain." The first tilt is inconclusive, but the second ends with Ser Hugh on the ground, two feet of broken-off lance through his throat. As his corpse is dragged off, his career as a tourney knight at an end, Littlefinger leans close and delivers another Info Dump: how the Hound got his scars. Young Sandor was playing with one of his brother's toys when Gregor came in and happened to notice. He shoved his brother's face into the fire and held it there. And Now You Know! Isn't that a sweet and heartwarming story? Finally we return to the Inn at the Crossroads, where Sansa's direwolf met such a sad end two episodes ago. Catelyn and Ser Rodrik have stopped for a meal and are being plagued by a singer, Marillion, who attempts without success to entertain them. They shut up and draw up their hoods themselves when two unexpected visitors arrive: Yoren, the Night's Watch recruiter, and Tyrion Lannister, the Imp. With judicious application of some gold, he manages to buy someone's room reservation for the night (the offerer is a sellsword named Bronn), whilst Catelyn and Ser Rodrik keep their mouths shut. Unfortunately, it's for naught: Marillion offers to sing for him, drawing him right to them. Catelyn admits that her surname was "Tully" the last time she stayed here, and then stands up and begins to greet by name and sigil the men she sees around her: one bearing the black bat of Lady Whent of Harrenhal, another the red stallion of Jonos Bracken of Stone Hedge, an entire squad emblazoned with the twin towers of those who serve Walder Frey at the Twins... all lords who have sworn fealty to Catelyn's father, Lord Hoster Tully of Riverrun. And having placed herself quite firmly atop the feudal heirarchy, she does what any good noble does in time of war and calls her banners: And suddenly Catelyn Tully has fielded a small army, and all of them have swords pointed at Tyrion Lannister.
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