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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Iwillkillyou333/Everybody's Got a Water Buffalo
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| rdfs:comment | - I'm having a major writer's block with this one for some time. I would like to keep the Veggietale theme and the twist at the end. 18:06, October 11, 2011 (UTC) I'm in here like a dirty dog. -- 14:52, November 19, 2011 (UTC)
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| Pcomment | - A lot of it is very messy. I fixed various minor spelling/grammar errors but please take a look at my edits so you learn how you need to write/format any amendments in future. A lot of the sentences are also a bit clumsy at times, you often end sentences in random places . Give it another careful proofread and make sure it all flows the way you want it to. I'm sure someone could take a look at it for you as well if you're not confident you can sort it all out by yourself And remember you don't need an apostrophe for plurals, just possessives and contractions. Please also note that the plural of buffalo is buffalo.
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| Icomment | - Well, it's good that you have a picture of each of your narrators, as it does help to introduce them. But only one pic of water buffalo? You should get a few more, especially if you do as I advise and make this a more general article on the creatures.
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| Ccomment | - So, uh it looks like this is a meme? I wouldn't rely too much on jokes that have been made on other sites. Try to do something more original. Unless it's an article about the meme , I would rename it something like "Water Buffalo" and just do a general article on them but narrated by this weird vegetable guy. That could work ok because you could separate yourself from the YouTube joke and develop a funny article about water buffalo . Perhaps read the Wikipedia article on them to see what else you can write about. It feels a bit short and a bit cursory at times. Expand, expand, expand!
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| Hcomment | - This whole section is very weird too. I guess this might be something to do with the meme that, to be honest, I'm not familiar with and also that I don't really get. It's not a bad idea per se to base something on a pre-established joke from another site, and I've certainly got nothing against you using these characters, but it could be handled a lot more smoothly. Archibald's entrance is just done very awkwardly, it might work better if you started a new section, perhaps with a different font to indicate a new narrator, much like this article does. As I was saying before, you need to introduce these bizarre characters better too, perhaps a line where Larry says "oh, hi, Archibald, what do you want?" or something like that. And make sure the image of him is concurrent with his entrance.
Also, the self-referential line about Uncyclopedia might be worth getting rid of. I don't know, it's up to you of course. Self-referential stuff just tends to be a bit annoying, at least in my opinion.
To tell you the truth
- Ok, so overall it looks like a very strange idea. Because of this, I would definitely say it needs a stronger intro to ease the reader into it, because I didn't really figure out what you were talking about into several paragraphs down. Perhaps some kind of introduction to this "Larry the cucumber" character. Starting with an opening quote probably isn't a good idea, because I was left just thinking "huh? Who is Larry the cucumber? Why is he singing about buffalo?"
Why keep a water buffalo
- Hello IWKY, how are you? So it's a decent article but I think there are a couple of things you should take another look at. I figured out eventually that it seems to be based on some kind of YouTube video, which is never a good idea, but nevertheless I'll try to look at it as an article in its own right .
'Intro
- My computer is broke at the moment so I'm using this shit one which doesn't have sound and that doesn't play videos very well, so no comment here, other than my standard "be very wary when putting YouTube vids in Uncyc articles, especially ones you didn't make yourself". It just seems a bit pointless. You know? What's the point of telling a joke that's already been told on another site?
- The new conversation about the pink kangaroo isn't as smooth as it could be either. I wouldn't recommend you do it with canned quotes. Perhaps expand it a little and do something with headers? Or maybe images?
The video
- So by this point I started to get the hang of it. "Paper trained " - Why is it obvious? I couldn't figure out what reason you meant here so it can't be that obvious.
Entry of this Archibald guy
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| Fcomment | - So overall there is some decent stuff in here but I fear too much of it is ripped-off from a pre-existing joke. My best advice would be to distance yourself as much as you can from it, but it's up to you. Let me know if there's anything else you want me to look at in here. I hope the review is ok.
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| Signature | |
| abstract | - I'm having a major writer's block with this one for some time. I would like to keep the Veggietale theme and the twist at the end. 18:06, October 11, 2011 (UTC) I'm in here like a dirty dog. -- 14:52, November 19, 2011 (UTC)
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