| abstract | - Linkara, Lupa, and Nash are beamed into the Europa base. They have a quick glance at their surroundings. Linkara talks into his watch. LINKARA Down and safe. We’ll begin our search. NASH How’s there still power here? LUPA We need to be careful. There might still be someone…alive down here. LINKARA Let’s try not to stick around long enough to find out. Hopefully, if the power’s still on, that means there’s something around here we can salvage. He directs Nash to the right and Lupa to the left while he goes forward. They cautiously peek into different boxes. Nash focuses on one in particular. NASH Ah. Hey, guys, I think I found something. He opens the box and cuts himself reaching inside. NASH Agh! Monkey butts! The others run over. LINKARA You okay, man? NASH Yeah, I just cut my hand on something that… The cut has instantly healed. NASH The fuck? LINKARA Lupa, check your arm. She unwraps the gauze; there’s no sign of her earlier injury. Linkara communicates back to the ship. LINKARA NIMUE, are you receiving me? NIMUE Confirmed. LINKARA Do a full sensor sweep of the planet. Is there anything…unusual that wouldn’t show up on normal scans? NIMUE Beginning sensor sweep. LUPA What are you thinking? LINKARA I’m not sure, but I… NIMUE Sensor sweeps complete. There is an unusual energy field on the planet primarily focused around the area you are occupying at a range of two thousand square miles. Field is shrinking, but at its current rate, will not dissipate for at least one year. LINKARA What is the nature of the energy field? NIMUE Damage to sensor array cannot provide exact data. However, the readings at this level are very similar to the spatial and temporal anomaly referred to as ‘the plothole.’ MARZGURL Linkara, what’s going on down there? LINKARA Stand by. The reason that Europa is the way it is right now is because the plothole was transforming it; creating life on its surface. LUPA Yeah, but the plothole is gone now. LINKARA Yeah, but what if the energy it was using is still there, creating life all over it, or…or fixing things that are broken, like a cut, or a burn, or filling up power to something that doesn’t have it, or… He pauses and slowly smiles. NASH Oh, I don’t like that look. LINKARA Guys, I need you to beam Allen’s body down, now! MARZGURL What?! What the hell are you doing?! LINKARA Just do it! LUPA You don’t really think that… LINKARA I think the universe just handed us a deus ex machina. --- The Caelestis approaches Europa. MECHAKARA Report. ANDERS Enemy vessel sighted. Life signs on the satellite indicate at least three beings enstructured on the northern hemisphere. One of them matches the DNA profile of Linkara. MECHAKARA Romero unit, you will accompany me to the surface. Find the supplies we require. I will deal with the fleshlings. ROMERO By your command. --- Allen’s body is now in the base, but shows no signs of life. LUPA How long do we wait? LINKARA As long as we have to. LUPA You know, I hate to say this, but…he might’ve been dead for too long. LINKARA I know. But I had to try. I was such an asshole to him. When I first got Comicron-1, the government wanted to kill me and take the ship. But he stood up for me. He didn’t have any reason to do it. I mean, he never met me before. But he did. He saved my life. And in return, I was such an asshole to him. I had to do something. LUPA It’s okay. I get it. Lupa covers her nose. LUPA (chuckles) His body really stinks. Linkara smirks. LINKARA Yeah, that’d be the bowel evacuation. LUPA (giggles) LINKARA Yeah. NASH Hey, guys. Come take a look at this. Nash is holding a clipboard. LINKARA Were you able to find everything you need? NASH Most of it. We’re not gonna be a hundred percent, but we should be ready for a fight. Um, I’ve got the boxes tagged and ready for transport. LUPA What is this? ‘Experimental Weapons?’ NASH Yeah, uh, looks like a bunch of guns the executor’s men were toying with. The manifest lists which ones work and which ones…don’t. Have a look. He hands Linkara the clipboard. LINKARA ‘Pump-action shotgun with full auto mode.’ LUPA ‘Multi-barrel machine gun with shotgun mode?’ LINKARA ‘Gun that shoots swords.’ LUPA ‘Gun that shoots chainsaws?’ LINKARA ‘A deadly bee weapon.’ Linkara’s communicator beeps. LINKARA What’s up? MARZGURL We’ve got company. Looks like they’re back. You need to come up now! LINKARA But nothing’s happened to Allen’s body yet. MARZGURL We can’t wait any longer! We’ve got to get out of here! Linkara struggles to make a decision. LINKARA Fine. Bring us up. NIMUE Warning: there is insufficient power to teleport all targeted forms. At least two adult forms must remain behind. LINKARA Then leave me and Allen down here. NASH Dude, not a good idea. LINKARA No time for arguing; just do it! NIMUE Confirmed. --- Lupa and Nash are beamed onto the ship. MARZGURL What’s our status? JOE They’re taking position in orbit, but they are accelerating towards us. MARZGURL Get us out of here. We’ll have to come back for Linkara. JOE Yeah, assuming anything’s left of him. --- LINKARA Allen, I hope this works, ‘cause I could really use your help right about now. Mechakara’s laughter echoes throughout the base. Linkara carefully creeps around. MECHAKARA How amusing. You think you have any sort of chance! Do you know what’s even more amusing? That you think that in our previous engagement, you were the one who was victorious. But the truth is that you lost, Linkara. All organic beings lose in the end. It is the promise of flesh. Flesh is flawed. Flesh succumbs. Flesh grows old and dies. But machines? Machines do not grow. They are built to perfection. Succit and steel are eternal. If something breaks down, it is replaced with ease. Flesh atrophies. Flesh is slave to entropy and inevitability. Machines outlast you. Machines get better while flesh gets fatter and slower. Flesh…dies. Cut to reveal that Mechakara is right behind him. He falls over in shock; as he tries to get up, Mechakara twists his wrist. ROMERO (via communicator watch) I have located the parts that we require. MECHAKARA Excellent. Return to the ship. When you have finished installing them, hunt down and destroy the enemy vessel. I will remain here to complete what I have started. ROMERO By your command. Mechakara pins Linkara up against a wall by the neck. MECHAKARA Did you hear that, Linkara? Everything you care about, everything you love, will burn. I will ensure that there is nothing left of you - not even memories. LINKARA Doesn’t that mean you’ll have to destroy yourself, too? He slams him against the wall. MECHAKARA Every word that you speak simply makes me want to rip out your throat even more. He tosses him across the room into a pile of boxes, then immediately digs him out to continue beating him. He notices that a cut on his forehead vanishes. MECHAKARA Interesting. There is something here that is healing your withering form. I admit, I am tempted to experiment with this, to see how much of your blood ends up on my fist before it magically returns to your body. But I can get over not finding out. He pulls Linkara up by his shirt collar. MECHAKARA And while your shrieking tone frustrates me, I must admit, I am curious: are there any final words before I promptly delete them from my memory? LINKARA Yeah: bees. MECHAKARA Bees? Linkara pulls out the deadly bee weapon. LINKARA Bees. He shoots a horde of bees at Mechakara. MECHAKARA Agh! What are… What are these… Ahhh! They’re in my eyes! Can’t…see! He collides into some equipment before running out the door. Linkara pushes himself up. LINKARA Bees. My God. He immediately collapses again. --- ‘90s Kid and Lupa work on the ship’s wiring. 90s KID All right. Just slide it in, and make sure the contacts don’t touch the edge. She follows his instructions. The power comes back on. LUPA All right. Anything else? 90s KID Nope, that should be it. He closes the panel and picks up the watch. 90s KID Nash, power’s back on in this section. NASH Awesome! Thanks. LUPA You seem to know a lot about the ship. 90s KID Oh, yeah. I’ve been studyin’ it for the last few years. I pretty much know all the ins and outs of it. LUPA It’s weird…I never would’ve taken you for the technical type. I mean…you’re such… 90s KID An idiot. He starts to walk away. LUPA I wasn’t going to say that. 90s KID Yes, you were. I’m not stupid, despite what everyone thinks. And I know what everyone thinks. When you assume someone is stupid, you just think they’re so stupid that they won’t notice. LUPA Well…I hate to say it, but…you kind of act like it. 90s KID Do I? LUPA Well, I mean…I love the ‘90s more than most people, but you seem to fetishize it. I mean, it’s in your name, for crying out loud! Do you even have a real name? 90s KID It’s Evelyn, actually, but thanks for asking. LUPA Look, my point is, you’re obsessed with guns and killing and musclebound superheroes and pouches and extreme and radical and Sega Genesis. And you sound like you came off the set of Surf Ninjas. It’s just…everything to you! But it just makes it seem like there’s no depth to you. You feel like a one-off joke. And if there is more to you, then why don’t you show it? 90s KID Why should I? LUPA What do you mean? 90s KID There’s no point in acting like everybody else. It wouldn’t be me. I have a lot more fun this way. Sure, it can be a bit annoying, but you’ll notice that Linkara keeps me around regardless. It’s because him and Harvey and everyone else…they’re my family. LUPA Why the ‘90s of all things? 90s KID Because…because the ‘90s were the age of cyborgs and aliens and lasers and over-the-top stunts and everything insane and cool! Sure, they beat ideas into the ground. Sure, everything was extreme and violent. But it was different! It was new! It was awesome and glorious and wonderful, and most importantly, it was fun! And I think everyone should be having more fun, don’t you? LUPA Yeah. They should. 90s KID Plus, if everyone thinks you’re an idiot, they underestimate you. That’s the ‘90s, really. Make a huge spectacle, and no one will see what’s really going on. LUPA Huh. Neat. Hey, when this is all over, you wanna watch Cool as Ice? 90s KID Dude, I’ve got the special edition Blu-Ray of that! We are totally watching that when we’re done here! Y’know, assuming we’re still alive and stuff. They both head out of the room. Lupa pauses. LUPA ‘Evelyn?’ --- Harvey is doing maintenance work. NASH Need a hand with that? HARVEY I need a hand with a lot of things, longhair. NASH …What? HARVEY What the hell am I doing? NASH Trying to…restore main…power. HARVEY No, I mean, what the hell am I doing here?! I’m a lounge singer! I should be in Vegas crooning to vacationers! I should be snappin’ my fingers to Dean Martin and hangin’ out with stage magicians! Instead, I am in space with a bunch of Internet reviewers trying to fight some space cyborgs. Oh, and did I mention I’m in space?! NASH I know this is crazy. We’re gonna get through this. HARVEY I know, I know, I know… We left Linkara down there alone against the toasterface. I thought I was over this, but…I lost my son a long time ago. And while the kid may not be my son, I abandoned him once while we were fightin’ that robot, and I never forgave myself for it. I don’t want to abandon him again. NASH Then we need to get this ship up and running. You said for life, something was on our side. Maybe it’s not enough for just them to be rooting for us. All right, let’s say the worst thing happens, our fears are realized, and Linkara gets killed. This ship has a big-ass gun on the front of it! We can fire right in Mechakara’s face! I think that’s a pretty good reason to get it fixed, don’t you? HARVEY You have a real weird way of comforting a guy, longhair. NASH I do a show called ‘What the Fuck is Wrong with You?’ about real stories of people in Florida who put random objects in various orifices. The comfort I offer is revenge! HARVEY Yeah…yeah, I think I’m okay with that. The lights go out. Alarms go off. NASH We’ve got a power leak! We can reroute the…but it wouldn’t make a difference, because we can’t get any energy to the engine! HARVEY So what happened to all those power packs you brought back with you from the planet? NASH If we just had enough to get us this… Nash gets an idea. He pushes a button. NASH Engineering to bridge. Get Joe down here, now! --- Later, Joe uses his lightning to recharge the core power. NASH How long can you keep that up, Joe? JOE This is nothin’, man! I could do this all day! All I gotta do is think about somethin’ that really pisses me off! And right now, I’m thinkin’ about Sonic Free Riders! And now I’m thinkin’ about Ride to Hell: Retribution! Hraaaagh! Hragh! Hey, Finevoice! We’re goin’ out swingin’, you hear me? Blaaagh! HARVEY Swing, baby. The main cell is fully charged. NASH Okay, that’s done it! Um…engineering to bridge. Main power restored. It immediately goes back out, but Nash takes his mallet to the control panel and it returns. --- MARZGURL Acknowledged, engineering. Good work. What’s the status? SNOB Looks like they got their power back, too. Their shields and weapons are heating up. LUPA At least this time, we’ll have a fair fight. MARZGURL I’d prefer a fight where we have a better chance than them of winning. LUPA How strong is that ship? NIMUE Under normal circumstances, they would not withstand the firepower of this vessel. However, sensors indicate that their energy shield is highly adaptive and capable of withstanding multiple hits before it becomes impervious to this ship’s weapons. MARZGURL Well, we can’t have a long fight with them. The longer we go, the more likely they’ll have a chance to take us out. How do we outthink them? LUPA Maybe it’s not about outthinking them. MARZGURL What do you mean? LUPA Well, if they’re controlled by a machine, they should be pretty single-minded, right? So if we screw with that single-mindedness, then they’re vulnerable. MARZGURL How do we do that? LUPA We make a spectacle. We make them pay attention to that. MARZGURL What do you have in mind? Lupa snickers. --- Linkara comes back from gathering weapons. LINKARA All right, Allen, we got a few more of these guns you can use. Knowing Mechakara, he’s probably adapted to the bees by now. I can’t believe I just said that. But yeah. Some of these seem to still work. Unfortunately, most of them have fallen into disrepair. Which includes the gun that shoots chainsaws. Someday, perhaps, but not today. Linkara moves difficulty from the pain of the battle. LINKARA Ooh! I don’t even know why I’m still trying to stay alive. Ugh! My life feels like a comic book sometimes. Big villain for this storyline, then a bunch of filler issues, next villain, right down the line, rinse and repeat! Maybe that’s it. I’m waiting for the next reboot so that I can become darker and edgier. Or maybe…I’ll make a deal with Satan so that I can get a decent writer and a good supporting cast! Or, hey - (chuckles) - maybe I’ll get my arm cut off by a Mary Sued up villain, and then turn evil myself! Y’know, just to shake up the status quo a bit. Ooh! No, wait, I’ve got it! An editor will decide to replace me with a bunch of kids because they haven’t bothered to watch any of my past adventures and thinks that the audience will praise the new characters more! (laughs) Linkara shakes his head. LINKARA You know, Allen, sometimes I wonder if I even likes comics. I spend so much time getting invested in characters and storylines and just loving the medium of sequential storytelling, but… (sighs) then I have to review stuff like Bimbos in Time or the Tandy Computer Whiz Kids or, God help us all, Marville! I wonder if I don’t actually hate it all. But you know what? I don’t hate comics. I love comics! I love reviewing ‘em, bad or good. I love seeing the twisted genius, or the disgusting madness of a really awful comic. I love learning about the creative process behind it; learning about a storyline that could’ve been stopped before it got off the ground, or a plot point that was botched. I love seeing an artist’s vision come to life, be it something gorgeous that got paired with a subpar script; or the worst, teeth-gritting, overmuscled, sexist garbage of the nineties! I just wanna review them all! I hope I live forever just so I can… Linkara has an epiphany. LINKARA That’s it. That’s why I wanna live. That’s what I’ve got. That’s why I’ve gotta see it through. I would never be satisfied being dead unless I got to review comics every single moment! That’s why I’ve gotta live. ALLEN Well, it’s a start. (coughs) --- Mechakara steps on the final bee remaining. His skin suit is covered in stings. He sees a series of boxes - ‘High-Grade Copper Wire,’ ‘Hydraulic Pumps & Hoses,’ ‘Fiber-Optic Cable,’ ‘Armor Grade Metal Plates.’ He starts peeling away his ‘skin,’ piece by piece. --- (EXTRA: Things written on the boxes around base: THX 1138 $63,000 Diamanda Hagan’s Minions Dr. Insano’s ??? ???’s Sweeties Avorgr?e ??? Spoony Clown NAPPA D.X. Machina's Spine ??? (There’s more, but the resolution’s not the greatest. feel free to add to the list)
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