| abstract | - "AAAAAAH!" The Voot cruiser hurtled toward the Massive, tumbling over itself. Isabelle, Isabel and Kenzie were tossed around as the Voot crashed through the ceiling of the call room and scared the daylights out of the Tallest. Red picked up the note while Purple slurped his drink. Here are your humans, my Tallest! Love, Lyn. "Our humans are here!" said Red, turning to Purple and showing him the note, which was in Irken. "The humans Lyn promised!" "Oh, goody!" cried Purple, dropping his drink. It spilled all over the floor, and Isabelle, still bound tightly to her friends, raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you going to clean that up?" "No," Red replied. "You are." "You wish!" Isabelle said, struggling against the binds around her. "I'm not your slave!" "Yeah you are!" said Purple. "That's why Lyn sent you! That's why we asked her to capture humans for us!" "We want to see if your race is worthy of being our slaves," Red said. "Now clean that up." He undid the binding on Isabelle, Isabel and Kenzie, but Isabelle leapt to her feet and began to leave the call room. "I'm outta here." "Not so fast," said one of the guards at the door, shocking her. "HEY!" she shrieked. "NOBODY TREATS ISABELLE THIS WAY!" Kenzie looked bored. "Stop talking in the third person." "All three of you, be quiet!" said the other guard, shocking Kenzie, Isabel, and Isabelle. "What did I do?!" screeched Isabel. Meanwhile, back on Earth, RiRi was sitting on the couch, stock-still, watching some obscure cartoon. Lyn walked in just as a public service announcment came on. A weak-looking kid was being noogied by a burly kid. Along the bottom of the screen, it said, "Stop Bullying." "That's it!" cried Lyn, getting an epiphany. "I'll build a ray that will ABDUCT ALL BULLIES!" "YAAAY, BULLIES!" RiRi said, and KiKi looked annoyed. Lyn immediately got to work on the ray... or at least, she tried to. She realized she had left a tool back at Zim's house, so she flew over there in her Voot cruiser. Pushing open the door, she called, "ZIM! I'M HERE FOR MY TOOLS!" Nothing. "Hmm," she said as something in the corner caught her eye. It was labeled "Virtual Reality Machine." "A VR machine? What does Zim need a VR machine for?" she wondered aloud. She hesitated, and then put on the goggles and stepped in the machine. The first thing she saw was flashing red and blue lights. She was in a school playground, and there was a crowd growing around the base of a jungle gym. Paramedics were bending over someone that Lyn couldn't see, but she assumed that whoever they were, they fell off the jungle gym. "Come on, kid, if I lose another patient today, I'm going to get written up!" Lyn got closer and her eyes widened. It was Dib, badly injured and on the verge of death. Lyn closed her eyes, not wanting to believe this, and a sarcastic voice said, "Yeah, not a pretty sight, huh?" Lyn looked at Zim, who had a second pair of VR goggles on. "What happened to him?" She was almost in hysterics, screaming at the top of her voice, trying to ignore the images the VR was showing her, of a heartbeat monitor — Dib's heartbeat monitor — sensing nothing. "WHAT HAPPENED?" "Hey!" Phineas's voice said. "We could hear you screaming from almost a block away. What's going on?" The VR machine powered down and slowly, the heartbeat monitor disintergrated. Lyn took off the goggles and saw Phineas's triangle-shaped head. "Ask him!" said Lyn, pointing at Zim, who rolled his eyes. "You're overreacting." "Can someone please explain what's going on?" asked Phineas. "Nothing! Go away, hyu-man!" "Well, seeing as you and Lyn are both yelling at the top of your lungs, I don't think it's 'nothing'," said Ferb. "Fine!" cried Zim. "In one of my amazing efforts to destroy my enemy —" "Amazing, my squeedly-spooch," muttered Lyn. "AS I WAS SAYING!" yelled Zim, and Phineas blinked. He wished Zim would get to the point; did he always have to drag things out like this? "Anyway, in one of my plans to destroy Dib, I used a time machine and replaced vital items of Dib's with RUBBER PIGGIES!" "Rubber piggies?" asked Honey, walking in with Isabella. "QUIET!" shouted Zim. "Anyway, I was SO CLOSE! to destroying the Dib-filth, but noooo, he has to come back to life." "Just a reminder of another time you've failed," said Lyn. And I'm glad you did, she said in her head. "What a riveting tale," said Honey sarcastically. "Well, Isabella, don't you think we should go check out that new Flawless Girl line at the mall?" She stepped gently on Isabella's foot so as to get her to cotton on to her plan. Isabella nodded. "Yes. Yes, we should." "GO LOOK AT YOUR GLAWLESS FIRL STUFF, SILLY HUMANS!" cried Zim, as Lyn picked up her tool and went to leave. "BUT WHEN YOU'RE FEELING ALL SAFE, PREPARE FOR THE WRATH OF ZIIII —" "Okay, be quiet," said Lyn, closing the door behind her, Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, and Honey. "That was really, really weird," said Honey, watching Lyn take off the opposite way down the street. "What's up with him?" Phineas, Ferb, and Isabella exchanged a look. The three of them all knew Zim was an alien, but Honey was rather clueless and had been hanging around Kristopher a lot instead of Phineas and Ferb. "You can't tell anyone," said Phineas after a moment. "Not even Kris," added Isabella. "Or Bonnie," said Ferb. Honey looked at him oddly, and Phineas said, "Zim's an alien." "Wow, that makes so much sense!" said Honey. "No, it doesn't, actually." "It kind of does," said Phineas. "I mean, he's..." "Mad as a hatter," Ferb said quietly. Phineas nodded. "Yeah. Mad as a hatter." "So why was Lyn so irritated about that Dib kid?" asked Honey. Isabella looked at her meaningfully. "Dib is tantamount to Kris." "Oh," said Honey, getting what this meant. "Oh." "Yeah." The four of them walked home in silence. Baljeet Rai sat up in bed and looked at his clock. 5:30, it read. He smiled and stretched. Baljeet always thought it was nice to get up early. Refreshing. He got dressed, brushed his teeth, and was ready at 6 o'clock sharp. Walking downstairs, he fixed himself breakfast. As the clock struck seven-thirty, the bus pulled up outside his house and honked. He boarded the bus and sat alone... at least, until Dracen and Buford showed up. "Hey, nerdy!" Buford said, punching him in the arm. Dracen laughed. "Please leave me alone," Baljeet said politely. "Iii don't think sooo," Dracen drawled, flicking his white-blond hair out of his eyes, which were like chips of old snow: gray and cold. "Don't you waaant someone to sit with youuu? Youuu look like a loserrr if youuu sit alooooone." "Please leave me alone," Baljeet repeated. Dracen sneered. "Nooo." They continued to torment Baljeet until the bus reached the school, and Baljeet made a break for eighth-grade algebra, where thankfully, Buford and Dracen couldn't follow him. They weren't smart enough; Baljeet was the first sixth-grader known in the history of Danville Middle to ever take a class higher up than one grade. In between writing down fractions and wondering why on earth Phineas would use twenty-two over seven instead of three-point-one-four for pi, a thought came to him. Why did Dracen and Buford love to taunt him? He never did anything to them. In fact, thought Baljeet, smiling at the memory, he had a vague memory of four-year-old Buford, scared to death of the bully trying to take Biff, his goldfish. He wished that all the bad guys in the world could be shipped off to some faraway planet, where he didn't have to think about them, and he could focus on much more important things, like algebra and Ginger Hirano, the girl he had a crush on. Little did he know that Lyn was thinking along the same lines as him. Baljeet walked timidly into lunch, expecting Buford and Dracen to come along and mash his face into his lunch tray (which was covered in whatever mysterious goo the cafeteria was scrounging up this week), but to his surprise, he was able to navigate through the tables and sit down at Phineas and Ferb's table without tripping over Buford's "nonchalantly" outstretched foot. He didn't have to endure Dracen's taunts about how Ginger wanted to marry him (which were true, but neither Baljeet nor Dracen knew this) or Buford's constant punches in the arm. For once, he was safe. But why? he wondered, as he cleared the lunch tray of the slop that was on it and walked out into the bright sunshiny playground. People obviously didn't just disappear off the face of the planet, and Baljeet knew it would be an insult to Buford's reputation to go home sick; he would force himself to finish off the day. Buford was stubborn like that. Lyn addressed her dual SIR units in her base later that afternoon. "I am pleased to say that I have eradicated two of the school's bullies!" she said triumphantly, holding up her ray gun. When fired at a bully, it would beam them into a pod and shoot them off toward the Massive, which it had done to Dracen and Buford just before lunch. RiRi danced on her head, and KiKi said, "That is good, my master, but it would be more effective if I were defending you. Right?" "I don't need defense, KiKi, not against the hyu-mans," Lyn spat, then covered her mouth. She really had been hanging around Zim too much lately! She cleared her throat and said, "No, KiKi, I don't need help at school." "It is imperative that I help you," KiKi said. "I shall come to school with you tomorrow, disguised." "No, KiKi!" hissed Lyn. "You'll ruin the mission!" "My master is more important than the mission," KiKi said, her red eyes glowing eerily. She turned and walked from the room, and Lyn sank down on the couch, RiRi looking at her, concerned. "Master is sad!" she cried, clinging to Lyn's arm. "Master needs help!" "Oh, RiRi," Lyn said. "I'm starting to think taking on KiKi was a bad idea." "How can RiRi help Master feel better?" RiRi asked. "Go to Phineas and Ferb's. You know where they are, you have your GPS chip. See if anyone bullies them. The Tallest are probably expecting more humans." RiRi smiled. "Okie dokie!" she yelled, her rocket boosters tearing out of her now-worn blue bunny suit. With a whoosh, she flew out the open window. Lyn blinked. "How long did I leave that window open?" RiRi flew over the houses, looking for Maple Drive. It's so nice to be doing something good for Master! she thought as she landed on the ground in front of the strangest-looking animal ever. It was teal, had a duck bill, but also a beaver's tail and a brown fedora. It chittered — growled — whatever — at RiRi, swiftly hiding the hat. "HI!" said RiRi, leaping towards it. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!" Perry chattered — platypused — whatever — angrily, running into the backyard again. RiRi followed Perry in and ran straight into a pair of legs, which squealed. "Oh my gosh, Stacy, I just found the cutest little Bango-Ru ever!" she squeaked into her phone. "Bango-Rus are so second season," Stacy's voice said from Candace's cell phone. "I thought we were over them, right? Plus, didn't you get kicked out of that convention for leaving your Bango-Ru on the ground?" "Don't remind me," Candace grumbled, picking up RiRi. "But seriously, Stace, this is the ca-yoot-est thing I've ever seen!" "Hai there!" yelled RiRi. Phineas and Ferb came into the backyard. "Hey, Candace," Phineas said, then noticed RiRi. "A SIR unit?" "What are you talking about?" Candace asked. "This cute widdle thing is a Bango-Ru." "Actually, it's a SIR unit," Phineas insisted. "You bore me with your techy talk. This is a Bango-Ru and I say so." Phineas took RiRi out of Candace's hands and looked at her. "Yeah, this belongs to a friend of mine. I'll just be returning it —" "No!" said Candace, as Phineas and Ferb walked out of the backyard. "I need to show Stacy my Bango-Ru!" "She's so stubborn sometimes," Phineas said as they walked toward Lyn's house. "We know she mellows with age, though," said Ferb, and Phineas nodded. They reached the door and Phineas stretched out his hand to the doorbell. It clanged and Lyn jumped from her spot on the couch. Lyn squinted, glad that she had thought to include optional X-ray powers with the lenses she was wearing. Once she saw RiRi in Phineas's hands, she sighed in frustration. Of course RiRi was going to get herself spotted. She opened the door carefully. "Hi," said Phineas. "Whatcha doin'?" "Looking for RiRi," Lyn lied. "Well, you're in luck!" said Phineas, handing her the mass of metal and blue fabric that was RiRi. "Candace found her in our backyard along with Perry." "Hmm, that's nice," said Lyn, nearly slamming the door in his face. "ThankssomuchBYE!" Once she was sure Phineas and Ferb were out of earshot and sight, she turned to RiRi. "What did you find out?" "Nobody wants to mess with them!" squealed RiRi, wiggling in Lyn's fist. "No meanies at all!" "DARN!" cried Lyn, putting RiRi on the ground. "This is bad, RiRi! No humans for the Tallest means no work for Lyn! RiRi? RiRi?!" RiRi was tugging on one of her bunny ears. Lyn sighed and sat on the couch again, wondering what to do. Kenzie, Isabelle, Isabel, Dracen, and Buford, the newest chain gang, were walking in circles around the Massive. Isabelle, who was on one end, was cleaning up the drink that Purple had spilled earlier, grumbling about how this must be illegal somewhere. Meanwhile, Buford found a new hobby. "Check this out!" he cried, swinging his ankle around in a way that made everyone else fall over. "Buford, I swear," said Isabelle, balling up the rag she was using to clean the floor in her hands, "if you make us fall one more time, I'm going to go over there and kick your silly face." "Ooh, what a threat," said Buford. "Finish cleaning the floor." Just then, he was shocked by a laser-staff-thing. "Slaves don't tell other slaves what to do." "I ain't a slave," said Buford. "Hey! That could make a good song!" "Shut up!" Isabel cried. "No, that actually kinda sounds familiar," said Kenzie. "Some song I learned about the girls who worked in the cotton mills." "Nerd," Isabel said. "Shut your trap. Anyway, it kinda went like this." "Kinda?" sneered Dracen. "Howww does it kiiiinnndaaa gooo like thaaaat?" "You too, Dracen. Be quiet. Anyways, it goes like this: ...uhh... I can't remember." "You're useless," sighed Isabelle, finally finishing cleaning up the floor and looking at the Tallest. "Can I go home now? I'm going to miss Jersey Shore." "You're a sad case," Isabel sighed. "Reality TV is for dorks." "You have proven yourselves to be useless," said Red. "Go home. All of you. Your 'services' are no longer required." The ball-and-chains fell away and the kids piled into the Voot cruiser. "Okay," said Isabelle, as the Voot entrance closed and they were all squished together, "I vote I drive. I know how to operate machinery." "Huuuumaaaan maaachinerryyyy," said Dracen. "Thiiiiis is compleeeeteeelyyy different. It's Iiiiirken." "BFD," said Isabelle. "I'm driving." "BFD?" asked Buford. "Big Freakin' Deal," said Isabel, as Isabelle powered up the Voot and they took off. "Are we there yet?" "No." "My legs hurt. Do these Speckies not need leg room or something?" "They are pretty short." "All of you be quiet," Isabelle said. "You're giving me a headache." Somehow they managed to land in Danville. Unfortunately, they chose to land smack in front of Phineas's house. "THANK GOODNESS!" shouted Kenzie, getting out and stretching her legs. "That thing was sooo cramped!" Phineas's head peeked over the fence. "Oh, joy." "PHINEAS!" Isabelle squealed, hearts practically coming out of her eyes. "PHINEAS!!" She ran towards him and tackled him with a huge hug. He yelled as they toppled over backward and onto the ground. "Oh, what a surprise," Isabella said, walking up and seeing Isabelle and Phineas. "Isabelle's mauling Phineas." "Please help me," Phineas said as Isabelle squeezed him so tight he thought he was going to burst. For a ninety-pound twelve-year-old, Isabelle was strong. "Isabelle," Isabella said in a voice she would generally use with a dog. "Come on, Isabelle! Come get the Ferb! Come on! Go get it! Go get the Ferb!" Isabelle finally released Phineas, put her hands on her hips, and glared at Isabella. "I'm not a dog." "Okay," said Phineas, intervening before they could get into a knock-down-drag-out fight. "Isabelle, go home." Isabella looked at the crumpled Voot. "That's not... what's the word for it?" "Conspicuous," said Ferb, joining them. "I was going to say obvious, but your word's better, Ferbooch," said Phineas. "What are we going to do with it?" "I can help with that." The three of them turned around. Lyn was walking through the backyard. "Lyn — I — huh?" Phineas stuttered. "Yeah, don't ask how I got here," Lyn said. "I have my ways." "That's not creepy," Isabella muttered, so quietly only she could hear. "Anyway, I can help," she said. "But what happened? I thought I sent off Isabelle, Isabel, Kenzie, Buford, and Dracen to the Massive." "Apparently your gift's been returned, because they're back here," said Phineas. "They're back." "Oh, great," said Lyn. "I gotta go." "But what about the — ?" Phineas asked, as Lyn took off running toward her base. When she got back, the Tallest called. It was almost as if they knew she was home. "The humans you sent us are useless," said Red. "We have decided that the humans are not worthy enough to be our slaves." "We're sending you to a distant planet!" Purple added. Lyn blinked. She was going to have to leave Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Dib, and everyone else? Work was more important, but still, she thought she had friends. Plus, what if they sent her to a place like Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat-people?! "Pack up your stuff and leave. Zim can continue his failed efforts to destroy Earth." They cut the transmission. Lyn stared at the static, knowing the whole time she needed to do something. She ran out the door. "Phineas?" His head jerked up and he stood on his tiptoes, looking over the fence. "Yeah?" "Are there any other mean people besides those four lazy guys?" "Hmm," said Phineas, thinking hard. "The next-door neighbor has a niece with two little brothers who were totally competitive... They might be competent." "Awesome," Lyn said, calling her Voot cruiser and flying to Thaddeus and Thor's house. She took careful aim, and a few minutes later, Thaddeus and Thor were on the Massive. They didn't know that the Tallest had been discussing putting on a façade of looking mean and scary, in case Lyn sent any more humans. "Clearly we were too kind last time," Red said. "Let's try and be relentless this time." "Yeah!" cried Purple. "And no snacks," said Red. "They make us look... frivolous." "But I like snacks!" Thaddeus and Thor appeared in the middle of the room. Normally they would have been bound together, but Thor was so chubby that the bonds couldn't stretch far enough to slip skinny little Thaddeus in. The Tallest stood up, Purple throwing his drink behind his back. It spilt all over the floor, and while Thor's eyes drifted to it, Thaddeus addressed the Tallest. "What are you guys?" he asked. Thaddeus was so short he had to practically put his neck at a ninety-degree angle to look at the Tallest. "Silence!" said Purple. "You are going to be our slaves," said Red. "No ifs, ands, or buts." "Why am I here?!" cried Thaddeus. "Idiot boy," said Red, "didn't we just tell you you're going to be our slaves?" "But I hate doing housework!" "QUIET!" said Purple. "You will do as we say!" Thaddeus shrank a little, if that was possible. These guys seemed really lethal. "Call Lyn," Purple said to Red. "Tell her she can stay on Earth." Meanwhile at Lyn's base, Dib was over and Lyn was explaining Irken technology to him when she got the call. "Oh, crud!" she cried. "It's a call from the Tallest... Hide yourself!" "We have worked out a solution," Red said. "We recieved the new humans. We are planning to clone them and use them as our slaves until we can get more slaves from you." In Lyn's opinion she thought it would be smarter if she just shipped over the entire human race and they used mind control on them to obey them, but she held this back. "As a result, we are allowing you to stay on Earth," Red said. Thunk. Underneath the sidetable where Dib was hiding, he had jerked his abnormally large head up in surprise and whacked it on the underside of the table. "What was that?" asked Red. "Uh... nothing," said Lyn. "Thank you, my Tallest." She cut the transmission and looked under the sidetable. "Sorry," said Dib, crawling out from under the table and rubbing his head. "But it just caught me by surprise that —" The doorbell rang and Lyn peered up through the levels of her house and to the front door. It was Zim. "LYN!" he cried, and even three floors underground, his scream was audible. "I REQUIRE... YOUR... ASSISTANCE!" "Stay here..." Lyn said to Dib. She took the elevator up and opened the door. "What do you need, Zim?" "I require that tool you left at my base a while back," he said. Lyn winced, thinking of the VR machine, and said, "Yeah, okay." She was about to go and get the tool when Zim screamed. "WHAT'S THAT DOING HERE?!" Lyn looked up and saw Dib peering around a doorframe. Love ya but, she thought as she began mentally planning a way to keep Zim from totally annihilating Dib. "THE DIB! THE DIB!" Zim cried. KiKi leapt up and pulled out the heavy artillery on him. He backed into a wall. "Master is being threatened!" she said. Her eyes glowed deeper and deeper red as she prepared to attack Zim, when all of a sudden the red turned to black and she fell to the floor. Dib was going towards KiKi, looking a bit concerned, but Lyn seized him by the collar. "Don't. I've seen this happen before. She's going to self-destruct." "Three... two... one," said a robotic voice, and all of a sudden there was a small implosion and KiKi disappeared. "Oh, I lied," Lyn said. "She must be a new model. Those ones implode instead of explode. Makes less of a mess." "Man, you guys are smart," said Dib, coming out from behind Lyn. Just then, Zim leapt to his feet. "YOU ARE FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY!" Zim cried. "You picked that up from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," Dib pointed out. "Have you been reading them in an effort to look more human?" "YES, BUT THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" yelled Zim. "What do you need my tool for, anyway?" asked Lyn suspiciously. "I have come up with another INGENIOUS PLAN to annihilate the Earth." "Fascinating," Lyn said sarcastically, pushing him out the door. "Well! I s'pose you'd better run along and go through with that brilliant plan!" She shut the door behind it and slid down it into a sitting position. "You didn't give him his tool," Dib said. "I know," said Lyn. "I did that purposely." "Oh," said Dib. "Well..." His voice trailed off, and the two stood there awkwardly. Finally, Lyn said, "A while ago, I found a VR machine at Zim's house. And... I saw you as a kid, with paramedics all around you, and you were about to die. What was going on?" Dib was quiet. "He tried to kill me with rubber piggies," he said. "Correction — he did kill me with rubber piggies. But somehow, I came back to life. ...It's a long story." Lyn gave him a hug. "Well, you're here now... and that's all that matters, really." Just then, a knock sounded at the door and Lyn jumped away from Dib. "It's your sister," she told him. Dib tentatively opened the door and Gaz was staring him down, her almond-colored eyes narrowed. "Dib," she said. "It's the one day Dad's free and we're going to Bloaty's. Come on!" She grabbed him by the wrist and jerked him out the door. Lyn watched them leave, then picked up the phone to tell Phineas about the Tallest's plans for Thaddeus and Thor.
|
