| abstract | - Announcer: And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Wolfman." Chester: OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life! (howls) Aspooooiiilllleeeerrrrsss! There's this guy who's an actor. And his name is Benecio Del Toro. And he's playing a guy who's an actor. Whose name is not Benecio Del Toro! Woah! I just blew my mind! Though that's not very difficult. Just about anything can blow my mind nowadays. My fingernails can blow my mind. (He looks at them, then at the camera) ...That was seriously underwhelming. So the actor has to go home because his brother died. Well, not just died. Murdered! By some sort of big, savage beast! And everyone's wondering who could have done it? And the actor is like "Let me introduce you to my father, Hannibal Lector." He's the killer! He's so obviously the killer! And everyone's like "Hm, who could have done this? I don't know." It's Hannibal Lector, you morons! He ate his liver with some fava beans and an iced candy! (Mimicks Hannibal's licking) So, the actor sees his dead brother's fiance. And she's like "I could never love another man." "You know, I'm his brother." "Really?!" (Mimicks make-out session) But then the actor is bitten by Hannibal Wolfman! (Mimicking Hannibal) Toughens the nipples. (Lunges at camera, growling) And once he is bitten, he turns into what everybody is turned into when they're bitten by Wolfman...a vampire! Oh, wait. A zombie! Oh, wait. One of the Jonas brothers! Line! *Person off-screen whispers "The Wolfman"* The Wolfman! So the actor turns into the Wolfman and starts eating up people. (He bites at the camera and pretends to chew) Mm, tastes like people. But then he's captured by the insane asylum! I was captured by the insane asylum once! They smelled like hurting. So, to cure him of his delusions, they haul him out in front of a full moon to prove that he won't turn into the Wolfman! "Now, are you turning into a wolfman?" "No..." "You see? There's no need to worry about-" (makes lunging pose) "Blah!" "Fudge." (bites at camera) So, he kills everybody in the room, so they call in that guy from "The Matrix" to chase him! (Mimicking Agent Smith and wearing sunglasses) Mr. Puppy Chow. But then the actor also discovers that his father killed his mother! In fact, he saw it...when he was a child... ...How do you forget something like that? You see, the actor is like "I remember seeing my mother with a razorblade like she killed herself!" Oh wait, maybe it was a giant werewolf that ripped her neck out! Psh, I always get those two mixed up. So the actor goes to fight the evil father werewolf. And the girlfriend is like "I'm going to find a cure!" "There isn't one." "Fu-" So the two werewolves start fighting, and the actor werewolf kills the father! I killed my father once! Twice! Or maybe that was a bag of Cheetos. The Wolfman is about to kill his girlfriend. But the girlfriend is like "I still see good in you! I know there's a good man inside of there!" "Hey, you're right! You totally changed the way I look at things- *mimicks gun firing* Whore." *falls down* The end! And the moral of the story is don't become a werewolf! Unless you have insurance. This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change! C'mon, I have a curse too! Whenever there's a full moon, I turn into werelasagna!
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