| abstract | - It has been scientifically proven that a chemical byproduct of toupee manufacturing can leach into the wearer's bloodstream, effecting behavioral changes. In the case of William Shatner, exposure to this chemical substance causes halting speech and generally deplorable acting. Prolonged exposure to this chemical has also been proven to cause delusions of grandeur. It also causes mispronunciation of words such as "sabotage", "camouflage" and "Nazi". Reputable scientists say that this is because of chemical exposure, not because he is Canadian or Jewish. There has been much speculation as to how much of William Shatner's head his toupee actually covers, so it is important to note that scientists have also discovered that the larger the surface area of the scalp which is covered by the toupee, the more pronounced the behavioral effects are. Repeated and prolonged exposure of more than ten years also make the behavioral changes permanent. Many also believe that his hair is not a toupee but instead an alien creature which has latched onto Shatner's head. I'm not quite sure, but I must warn everyone. If you meet William Shatner and it growls or make quick movements at you, DO NOT be afraid to smack it with a heavy book or other blunt instrument. Or just rip it off his head, throw it on the ground and stomp on it. The writer of this article just suffers from jealousy.. It's that simple. An adoring fan of his.
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