| Contents | - : [the Griffins wait for Brian at the vet]
:Peter: God I hate comin' to the vet. They charge me $90 an day to keep Brian here. For $60 I could put him up at the Holiday Inn. Eh, who's with me? [cricket sound]
:Mayor West: My apologies, my pet cricket has restless leg syndrome.
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:Peter: Ugh, look at that Lois, that's why cats freak me out. He's doin' that weird stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves.
:Cat: Look at that, huh. Look at that shit.
:Peter: Ewwww!
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:Peter: Ah-ha! There's me wench!
:Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?!
:Peter: That's Long John Peter to you, porthole! [laughs, and his crew laughs with him] Fetch me five tankets of ale and a leg of mutton for me mateies! [slaps Lois on the rear]
:Lois: Agh!
:Peter/Mates: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
:Brian: Who the hell are these guys?
:Peter: Just some seadogs from my fishin' boat days.
:Lois: I don't care who they are, they stink! Get 'em outta here!
:Peter: They stink of good cheer Lois! Ah-ha! [laughs] After we've had our fill of bread and wine, we shall tell tales of other times we've had our fill of bread and wine.
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:Joe: Chris, guess what we just did. Bonnie, tell him.
:Bonnie: We had sex.
:Joe: We had sex!
:Bonnie: We had what Joe calls sex.
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:[after Chris slammed a chair into Brian's face for an excuse to go to the vet and see Anna]
:Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling well.
:Brian: Fuck you.
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:[after Brian collapses due to his injuries]
:Anna: Wow, he doesn't look good.
:Chris: I know. But you do.
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:[Peter walks in the Drunken Clam with Adrien Beaky]
:Peter: Hey, guys. What is going on?
:Joe: No way!
:Quagmire: Cool!
:Cleveland: That thing don't bite, do it?
:Peter: Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky.
:Adrien Beaky: Pick a lane, bitch.
:Peter: [laughs] Ain't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over to the car.
:Adrien Beaky: I gotta pee. Where's that Snapple bottle? [Peter laughs] I had a gay experience at camp.
:Peter: Oh, oh. [laughs] We, we, we had the radio on and we were talking about some goofy stuff. So what are you guys drinking?
:Joe: Hey, Peter, you kinda look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.
:Peter: A pirate? Aw, cool!
:Cleveland: You should get a pirate name.
:Joe: And a peg leg.
:Cleveland: And a hook hand.
:Quagmire: And you should have sex with that crossing guard, even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12. I mean, you should get an eye patch.
:Joe: Eye patch would be cool.
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:Peter: Oh, God! This is my fault! I did this! I've screwed up worse than Disney did when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.
:[cutaway to Mexican villa]
:Man: Who was that masked man who saved us?
:Man #2: I don't know, but he left his insignia.
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:Anna: Chris, I like you. [kiss Chris] You don't have to try so hard.
:Chris: I'm sorry. When I'm around a pretty girl, I get all worked up like a kid watching a toy commercial.
:[cutaway to commercial]
:Announcer: Kids, kids, kids! Shiny, gooey, stretchy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Sticky, yummy, bouncy, fun! Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Fly it!
:Kids: Yeah!
:Announcer: Toss it!
:Kids: Awesome!
:Announcer: Swim it!
:Kids: Ahh!
:Announcer: Eat it!
:Kids: Whoa!
:Announcer: Hasbro's Best Thing Ever! Kids! Kids! Arrggghhh!!! It's so awesome!
:Stewie: I want it!
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:Peter: Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiences of your teenage years. If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.
:[cutaway to Peter running down the stairs and behind the couch, then peeping his head out]
:Lois: [off screen] Peter Griffin!
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:[Chris is depressed because Anna left him]
:Lois: Chris, honey, what's wrong?
:Chris: Anna took a dump on me.
:Lois: What?!
:Chris: Yeah, she broke up with me.
:Lois: Oh-ho, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.
:Chris: What's the difference?
:Lois: Well, when two people love each other very much, sometimes they show it by... y... never mind.
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