| abstract | - Happycat wanders the earth with no particular destination in mind. His only wish is to spread the happiness he feels to others. To bring bits of joy to those who may need it. He asks for nothing in return, except maybe the occasional cheeseburger. He loves his cheeseburgers. So why is he so happy? What is it that makes him feel joy every second of his life? Scientists at the Cat Institute of Brains were equally curious about this constant contentedness that Happycat seems to always display. After analyzing and comparing Happycat’s brain to a normal cat’s brain, the reason was clear. Happycat has an astoundingly large happiness gland. So large that all of the other parts of his brain have to be tiny in order to fit in his head. As you can see, the part of the brain left for thinking is quite diminutive. I’m not saying he should ride on a bus shorter than other buses, but… I will admit he is no rocket scientist. Cat mathematics are a challenge for him. Spelling has always given him trouble. He claims he understands the plot of Lost, but I have my doubts. And the finer points of opening doors do escape him from time to time. He was on Celebrity Jeopardy once. Believe it or not, he made it to Final Jeopardy, but things went south from there. Many people wonder if Happycat can ever get sad. It is a very rare occurrence. In fact, there is only one time that Happycat completely lost his happy. It started out as a typical day. He stopped by his favorite burger place to fill up on cheeseburger. Unfortunatley they ran out of cheesburger. He became completely unhinged at that moment. He saw only red and became enraged. Somehow his happiness gland turned into some sort of mega-fury gland. It’s hard to explain what happened next. The National Guard’s Emergency Cheeseburger Department was called in to bring Happycat several hundred burgers in order to resolve the incident peacefully. Happycat’s head decreased in size and returned to his body. He was once again happy and all was right. After some more study, scientists discovered that the proteins found in beef and cheese stimulated that happiness gland. If he goes too long without them, it can severely disrupt his brain chemistry. Scientists learned quite a bit in their studies of Happycat. He may be the key to the perfect antidepressant. But even with their cat scans and brain tests and chemicals and whatever else it is that scientists do… there is one aspect of Happycat that has them completely baffled. For some reason… Happycat cannot die. It’s a known scientific fact that normal cats have 9 lives. Happycat, however, seems to have an endless amount. Death has come for him many times, but has never succeeded. He once licked a stun gun. He took a bath with a toaster. He wandered off a cliff. He wandered off a cliff on a Segway. He wandered off a cliff on lemming-back. He has been struck by lightning 17 times and run over by various vehicles 38 times. Then there was that time he attempted to prepare his own blowfish. He had diet coke and pop rocks. He was attacked by a bear and then he was attacked by a slightly smaller bear. And while on a hunting trip, he was accidentally shot in the face by Dick Cheney. Each time that he should have most assuredly died, he just walked away with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. Because of his resistance to death, it is said that he is ageless. He has always been and always will be. I realize that statement may cause skepticism, and I was once unconvinced of this myself. But if you peruse the annals of history, that infectious smile seems to pop up quite a bit. In the end, the science of Happycat is of no consequence. All you really need to know is if you are ever feeling blue and you could use some cheering up, just call on Happycat to lift your spirits. It’s easy to summon him. Before you lay down to bed at night, just put a cheeseburger under your pillow. The next morning you’ll be awakened by a gentle licking of the face. You’ll open your eyes and see that great big smile and those chubby gray cheeks, and your heart will fill with joy. For he is the one and only Happycat.
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