| abstract | - Announcer: Good evening, and welcome to That Guy Riffs. Today, That Guy looks at the first cartoon ever to be made about Superman entitled...Superman. Sit back and enjoy. (makes a weird noise) Doug: Paramount: making the best animated films that Nickelodeon's table scraps can give us. Doug: (as Superman) I'M ON FIRE!!! Man: Up in the sky! Look! Woman: It's a bird! Man: It's a plane! It's Superman! Doug: (speaking quickly over the credits) Yes, Superman, the Man of Steel, the Son of Krypton. Disguised as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, Superman spends most of his time trying to get nookie from Lois Lane. But she won't put out until he marries, so they got married and live in his Fortress of Sex-itude. But then they discovered that Superman couldn't get it up in the sky. The Man of Steel was a floppy deal. Lois was crushed and wanted a divorce, but Superman refused to pay alimony and wanted custody of the kids. But Superman couldn't get custody because of his uncontrollable addiction to Jagerbombs. Superman tried to break in and steal his kids, but he was so drunk that he accidentally broke into the home of Bruce Wayne, who fought him off with his Kryptonite nunchuks. Thus, Superman spends most of his days punching his dog Krypto, drinking himself to oblivion, while Lois stands on the ledge of rooftops and cries. Narrator: In the endless reaches of the universe, there once existed a planet known as Krypton. A planet that burned like a green star in the distant heavens. Doug: They called it the Sourball Planet. Narrator: There, civilization was far advanced and brought forth a race of supermen, whose mental and physical powers were developed at the absolute peak of human perfection. But, there came a day when giant quakes threatened to destroy Krypton forever. One of the planet's leading scientists, sensing the approach of doom, placed his infant son in a small rocket ship and sent him hurtling in the direction of the Earth... Doug: (as Kal-El, in a Speedy Gonzales voice) Adios, muchachos! Narrator: ...just as Krypton exploded. Doug: Well, more the planet's dustbag filled up and exploded, but still exploded. Narrator: The rocket ship sped through star-studded space, landing safely on Earth with its precious burden, Krypton's sole survivor. Doug: (as Kal-El) Hope they have Wi-Fi. Narrator: A passing motorist found the uninjured child and took him to an orphanage. Doug: In Withering Heights. Narrator: As the years went by and the child grew to maturity, he found himself possessed of amazing physical powers: faster than a speeding bullet... Doug: At least, that's what his girlfriends say. Narrator: More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... Doug: (as Superman) I had no idea I could do that. Narrator: The infant of Krypton is now the Man of Steel, Superman! Doug: But, let's not build him up too much. Narrator: To best be in a position to use his amazing powers in a never ending battle for truth and justice, Superman has assumed the disguise of Clark Kent, mild-mannered reporter for a great Metropolitan newspaper. Doug: He can't open his eyes either, folks. Doug: (singing to the music) Managing editor! Managing editor! Managing editor! Perry White: Kent, I want to see you. Just received another threatening note. Clark: Okay, Mr. White. Perry White: Lois, another note from the Mad Scientist. Lois: Coming in, Chief. Doug: (as Clark) You called via radio toaster? Perry: Now, listen to this warning. He plans to strike tonight. Perry: (reading the letter out loud) "Beware, you fools. My Electrothanasia-Ray strikes tonight at 12. Total destruction will come to those who laughed at me and failed to heed my warnings." Doug: You're looking at this longer than the Three Stooges look at a map. Perry: "Beware – I strike at midnight!" (stops reading) This nut may prove dangerous! Doug: Oh, come on. How come everybody who threatens the city with a death ray is a nut? Perry: Kent, you help Lois follow up her lead. She may have an angle on this thing. Clark: Yes, sir. Lois: But, Chief, I'd like the chance to crack this story on my own. Perry: Well, now... Lois: Thanks, Chief. Clark: But, Lois! Doug: (mishearing the last line) Blow us?!? I had my suspicions, but wow! Clark: Chief, don't you think that's a dangerous mission? Doug: (as Lois) I'll just take the Daily Planet fighter plane. Only I and Fox News have one of these. Doug: Pretty rubbery plane. Doug: Meanwhile, at the Museum of Phallic Looking Buildings, the Little Mermaid poster is being put on display! Doug: (as Dr. Evil) Oh, I do hope they give me one million dollars. Mad Scientist: The hour has come. Doug: (as Mad Scientist) It's time to Tivo Rachael Ray. Doug: (as Marvin the Martian) With my Illudium 36 Explosive Space Modulator, I'll be able to get a clear view of Venus. Doug: (as the vulture imitating a stoner) Whoa, the bubbles are alive, man! Doug: (as the vulture now imitating a parrot) Awk, there's two lightning bugs outside! (the vulture goes up to scientist to alert him of Lois' plane) Gobble gobble! (as the scientist) What's that? Timmy's stuck in the well? There's trouble at the old mill? There's a nosy reporter with a personal jet landing just outside my lair? What? What?! Doug: (as the scientist) You know, I just want to blow up one major metropolitan city and suddenly, everybody wants a quote from you. Doug: (as Iago) I'm so ticked off that I'm molting! Doug: Guess it wasn't very smart of him to leaving his forwarding address on that evil letter. Doug: (as Captain Kirk) Spooock. Doug: You know, more lairs should come with vulture locks. Lois: I'm a reporter for the-- Doug: (the scientist quickly pulls her into his lair) Yoink! (as Lois while she struggles to get out of the scientist's grip) Sir, I am not a Jehovah's Witness! Doug: (as the vulture) I better hurry this up. I heard there's some witch that got crushed by seven dwarfs just north from here. Mad Scientist: So, you want a story? I'll give you the greatest story of destruction the world has ever known! Doug: (as the scientist) I'm going to bring back Jersey Shore. Don't try to stop me, it's already begun! (the scientist then starts the machine up again) Okay, "to install Death Ray Software, just press 1"--eh, what? Of course I'm sure. Why would I install a death ray if I wasn't sure. Oh, great. Now the program stopped working. "Send an error report"--whoever sends a goddamn error report? (the machine finally fires) Oh, there we go. Doug: (as a dad) Hey, kids, look to your right! A death ray! (the beam hits the bridge and destroys it) AAAHHH!!! Mad Scientist: How is that for a story, Miss Lane? Ha-ha! Doug: (as Lois, muffled by the gag) It's bland and lacking in human interest! Radio Announcer: Flash! True to his threat, the mad scientist, whose warnings have the city in a grip of terror, went on his rampage of destruction on the stroke of midnight! Doug: (as the radio announcer) If only we could locate the giant, looming tower from which he is using his death ray! Radio Announcer: The deadly impact of his mysterious ray smashed the famous tower bridge, hurtling cars and pedestrians in the river below! The police have warned everyone to remain in their homes! Clark: This looks like a job for Superman. Doug: (as Clark) Too bad I have no interest, though. Let's see if Wonder Woman's on duty. Doug: (as Clark) Let's see... Oh, God, what does the janitor do in here? Did that come from a human? Oh, it's repugnant! Doug: (as Narrator) After applying his Hitler mustache, makes to the window to save the day! Doug: (as Superman) I'm off! (we then see Superman fly in a different direction) ...the other way. Doug: (as Mad Scientist) There has to be another building in this city as phallic as mine to destroy. (he then sees a skyscraper on his monitor and smiles with evil glee) Hellooooo. Doug: (as a worker inside) Uh... personal day! Doug: (as a second worker) I'll be all right. (a beam almost falls on him) AH! Doug: (as Superman, straining to push skyscraper back up; grunts) Geesh, building, what have you been eating? (Superman succeeds in pushing the skyscraper upright again) Thank god that building was made out of flexible sandpaper. Well, I better take off now. (suddenly the skyscraper sways the other way) Whoa, whoa! (Superman grabs the very top of the skyscraper and pulls it upright once and for all) Just kidding, just kidding. Wouldn't it be funny if I just let you guys fall like that? (chuckles) In all seriousness, though, the constant rocking of this building has probably turned your bones to jelly, so I'm just gonna get out of here. Doug: And yet Bryan Singer still can't make an interesting film about him. Mad Scientist: It's Superman! Doug: (as scientist) Don't ask me how I know; I just have a feeling! Doug: (of the blue and orange liquids) You know, this is looking more like how Doc Brown makes iced tea. Doug: (narrating) Nothing can stop the strongest man in the wor– Doug: (as Superman) Oh, god uncle! Oh Jesus, don't hurt me! Oh, c'mon, my cape's over my head, I can't even see! (the spurts knock Superman to the ground) Who would've thought Kryptonite and... whatever the hell this thing is, would be my only weakness?! Ow, ow, owww! Doug: Superman fights off the mighty beam of light by simply punching it! Remember, kids, brute violence always wins over scientific understanding. Mad Scientist: (alarmed) I don't believe it! (raising the machine's power still further) He isn't human! Doug: (as scientist) It's almost as if he's super! A super man, if you will! Doug: (as scientist) Well, I'm sciencier! Doug: (as Popeye) Yea, all I needs was my spinach, ag-ag-ag-ag-ag. Doug: (as Superman) Laws of physics of Bugs Bunny cartoons, don't fail me now! Doug: (as Superman) Avon Calling! Doug: This mechanical hot dog bun is about to blow! Doug: (as scientist) I never had this problem with Super Grover! Doug: (as Superman) You know, Lois, how about a pepper spray? You ever think of that? Doug: (as vulture, imitating Sonny the Cuckoo Bird) I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! Doug: Now, watch the incredible flying Man of Steel... er, take the stairs. Doug: (as scientist) Oh, my spinal cord! (Superman takes off, taking scientist with him) Waaaaaaiiiiittt! Doug: (as scientist) Uh, you can set me down by that big comfy brothel over there. Doug: You know, this is what John Cleese has to look at every day. Doug: Jesus! One fractured skull later! Doug: Really? So his parents named him "Mad Scientist"? Isn't that sort of pre-programming his future occupation? Perry: (shaking hands with Lois) Congratulations, Lois! That was a great scoop. Lois: Yes, chief, thanks to Superman. Doug: (as Clark) I'd wink if I had the ability to widen my pupils. Doug: No vultures, scientists or buildings made out of sandpaper were harmed in the filming of this episode.
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