| abstract | - (We open today's episode with a trailer of a drama movie, with shots of various locations, with a narration by Malcolm Ray) Narrator: We open as we usually do: with a Southern narrator talking over flat landscapes, probably shot by Roger Deakins. They leave just enough space for the credits to go over, but they rarely take advantage of that. Instead, they leave me to tell you about a main character. A fat cat. That's right, a political fat cat trying to shift things his way by simply throwing money at his problems. (We cut to the Nostalgia Critic dressed in an orange shirt orange shades, black tie and black vest) Narrator: This is usually where we cut to a symbol of the movie while a Carter Burwell score plays. (NC throws a check he just voided into the trash. The shot hangs on the trash barrel as a credit plays. Nostalgia Critic Is: Garfield. A Coen Brothers Film) Narrator: And even if he was a lazy man, quite possibly the laziest in Muncie, IN, he would push it far by staring at his calendar so he would know when Mondays were a-coming. Honestly, we hold all these awkward stares to a point where it becomes gimmicky, but the critics seem to like it. Voice: Hey! (Another man, played by Doug, comes in) Narrator: But even fat cats have owners. Like Jon Arbuckle here, played by Steve Buscemi. Jon: You got a job to do, man. I give you money so you can spend it on keeping those rat spies out of our political house! Garfield: I told you. Pooky's on it. (The chair turns around to show a teddy bear with shades on its head, a pen in one hand and a phone in the other) Jon: Take the rats out of the house, Garfield! Narrator: He's just angry because he can't get a date from one of his party supporters: An Army veteran named Liz, (Tamara Chambers) played by Frances McDormand. Jon: So, uh, Liz, how 'bout that date, huh? Liz: You're not just asking me because I'm a vet, are you? There are rules. Jon: I'm hoping that the commedically desperate angle overrules the creepy stalker angle. Liz: Sorry, Jon, but I have to draw a line in the sand. And apart from millions of fans demanding I break character and date you... Jon: (To the audience) That really happened. Look it up. Liz: I'm going to keep this running joke running. Jon: Goddamn running joke! Narrator: Garfield had many people he couldn't stand. Like Nermal, the wise black man (Malcolm) who was so humble and sage like that it made him despicably cute. He's played by some salt of the earth actor that can easily be switched out the next time they do this cliche. (Now credited as Lee Weaver) Yeah, he'll do. Garfield: Suppose we should probably do that simple-plan-turn-into-complicated-mess thing. Those always seem popular. Nermal: You know, your best friend's been taking half the shipment, right? Garfield: What? I thought he was off the stuff. Nermal: Come on, boy. Falling off counter tops, walking on all fours. He can barely speak half the time. Garfield: You know, Nermal, I think it's time I sent you to Abu Dhabi. In a box. (A gunshot is heard and Nermal slumps to the ground. The shot shows Garfield holding a gun) That's right. You don't know whether or not to root for me. Narrator: And finally, there's Odie, played by John Turturro. (Orlando Belisle, Jr.) Odie: I'm a dog! I'm a dog! Woof-woof! Bark! Bark! My skin's turning yellow! Garfield: Sorry it's come to this, Odie. Odie: Garfield, is that you? Garfield: The time has come to put you down. Odie: Oh, my God, what are you gonna do? Garfield: I'm going to kill you in a gruesome, yet quirky way. (He takes out an automatic beater and turns it on) Odie: No, Garfield! The audience will be emotionally confused! Garfield: (He turns the beater off) True, they won't know if they actually like the movie after seeing it. But after letting it sit for a while, they'll figure to themselves, "Eh, it was fucked up enough. I guess I like it fine." (He turns the beater back on) Odie: Nooooo!! (As Garfield gets closer with the beater, the director calls out) Director: Cut. (The bells ring and NC breaks character from this scene, putting his normal glasses on) That's lunch, everybody. NC: Coens! (Turning to face him are Joel and Ethan Coen, both played by Doug) I just wanna say again, I am so thankful that you're having me star in your latest movie. I mean, where did you get the idea to have me play an egotistical lazy jerk? (The two just stare at him) God, I see where you guys get your gift for dialogue. Anyway, I just wanna say, thank you so much again. I know you didn't just cast me in this role because I have a studio and I'm letting you use it for free. Ethan: We don't really care. NC: That clearly shows when you directed (The) Ladykillers. (Frances McDormand comes up next to Ethan) Frances: Hey, Joel, great work on the shoot today, sweetie. Joel: I'm Joel. Frances: Oh, I'm sorry. I always get you two mixed up. Ethan: We don't care. Frances: Oh, hey, Critic. What's your next scene? NC: Oh, actually, I don't know. (He turns back to look at the set) I guess the Coens have to tell-- (When he turns back, the Coens are gone) Frances: Ugh! I hate it when they do that! Joels! Joels! Where are you, Joels? NC: Uh, I'm just gonna go do a review that...always...ties into my personal life somehow. Good work, everybody! Good work. (After leaving the set, NC, now dressed in his normal get-up, sits down on his normal desk in his room) NC: Timing is everything. Who'd have thought the Coen Brothers would actually make a Garfield movie? (Images from the comic book are shown, as well as an image of a Coen Brothers movie) NC (vo): I mean, this newspaper comic strip that was also a Saturday morning cartoon and the directors of gritty, surreal suspense? NC: They just go hand in hand! [Sighs] Too bad Bill Murray didn't know that when he signed on to do the first one. NC (vo): Not that Bill Murray is a bad choice to play Garfield. In fact, it's actually fitting, seeing how the late voice actor Lorenzo Music replaced Murray as Peter in The Real Ghostbusters, and now Murray is replacing Music as Garfield. NC: However, that wasn't the reason he did it. NC (vo): He agreed to it because he thought the writer, Joel Cohen, was of the critically acclaimed Coen Brothers, when really, he was from the critically panned Cheaper By the Dozen. NC (vo): Because of this, Murray didn't read the entire script and blindly agreed to take the role. NC: Bit of a mistake there. NC (vo): What followed was a painfully-painful bit of pain that was so bad that even Murray's talent couldn't save it. Fans of anything Garfield could quickly see not only did this have little-to-do with what made the character so entertaining, but it was going to punish you for liking those things to begin with. It's a hard one to watch, whether you're a fan of the beloved cartoon or not. NC: There's a lot of kitty litter to get through, so let's start scooping. This is Garfield. NC (vo): As the credits roll, we see pictures of a man who clearly likes his pet too much...who has a suit and a picture with your cat unless you're a Bond villain?...when we get our first glimpse of the main character. Garfield: I hate Mondays. NC (vo): By God, it's that hideous! Not only is he sinfully ugly, but the CG is so bad that I actually think the hand-drawn commercials from the past looked more convincing. He looks like Grumpy Cat if she was shit out by Chester Cheetah! NC: Just to give you an idea... [Brings out a couple of hard drives] These are the hard drives of jokes I made just based on his appearance! But, seeing how this is a short review, let's just stick to the best of the best. NC (vo): The Sunkist Tumor seems to do things associated with Garfield: eats lasagna, annoys his owner Jon, played by Breckin Meyer, who we pray to God will make fun of this in Robot Chicken. NC: Thank you! NC (vo): And talks with annoying friends like Nermal. Nermal: It just seems like a weird thing to do... NC: Who the fuck is that?! Nermal: ...putting a dog in a house that already has a cat. NC: Uh, maybe you heard me wrong. "Hangs out with Nermal"! Nermal: Come on, it's just across the street. We're cats, we like 'em. Garfield: Attaboy, Nermal. NC (vo): You...you're really going with that, huh? That...that this is Nermal? [Images of Nermal from the comics is shown] Last time I checked, Nermal was said to be the world's cutest kitty cat. He was innocent, had a sweet high-pitched voice, and Garfield resented how adorable he was. [Back to the movie] Here...well, you got that he's a cat! NC: Yay! Fucking well done! You looked on the back of a DVD box! NC (vo): It makes even less sense, 'cause Garfield doesn't have any reason to hate him. He's not cute, he's not a kitten, he doesn't really even do anything that annoying, yet Garfield still puts him through this incredibly implausible mouse trap stunt. Garfield: Come to papa, baby! Garfield: [burps] Got milk? NC: Wow. You were really proud of that one, weren't you? I mean, that wasn't, like, a side joke or something you said under your breath. No, you made sure everything went quiet to deliver that incredible zinger. Garfield: Got milk? NC: Oh... [Claps his hands] Bam! It's a thing that's said, and now you said it! It works on so many levels! Hey, hey, I got one. NC (vo): Got any idea what the fuck they were thinking when they made this God awful PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE!?! NC: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know I'm only five minutes in, but I can just tell pain is guaranteed on this viewing. [Beat] It actually says it on the ticket stump... NC (vo): ...as required by the FCC. Jon: Mouse! Get him, Garfield! NC (vo): So the Fanta Fungus also spends his time socializing with a mouse named Louis. Garfield: Louis, what are you doing in the house when Jon's home? Louis: Sorry, Garfield. Man, I couldn't help it. Jon's got those macadamia nut cookies. I'm trying to maintain. Garfield: As long as you understand, I have to eat you. NC (vo): You know, this conversation is so believable. I mean, between the annoying Orange Tribble I know isn't there and the mouse that's clearly being tortured by someone waving cheese above him... NC: I'm really enjoying how these two fake effects are not distracting from the moment at all! NC (vo): He also enjoys, as you'd probably observed, making really forced jokes. Garfield: That cat's puss is everywhere. TV, newspapers, T-shirts. Who would want that kind of exposure? (And Garfield smiles smugly at the camera) NC (vo): Well, if it leads to a cinematic testicle-chop like this, I suppose no one. Jon: Let's go for a ride to someplace you love. It always leaves you feeling pampered and refreshed. [Picks Garfield up] Garfield: Chuck-E-Cheese? Wendy's? Taco Kitty? Olive Garden for you? NC: [as Garfield] What about Product Placement? Are we going to Product Placement? I hear they have really good "BUY THIS SHIT!" NC (vo): He takes the Pumpkin Cancer to a vet named Liz, played by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jon: Some part of me has always wanted to know what it'd be like to have a pet that actually wants to play with you. Liz: You're a good friend. NC (vo): And you probably noticed the main problem with her as it's the exact same problem with Jon: They're both too good-looking and bland. Don't get me wrong. Both these two have done good stuff in other films, but... NC: Who is Jon? He's a doofus, he's a dork. (Picture of Jon in the comic looking like a dork and Garfield saying "I don't know this man.") He's a loser that always strikes out. Who is Liz? (Picture of Liz in the cartoon having to deal with Jon hitting on her) She's a cynic, she's a smart mouth, she doesn't care to impress anyone, especially him. NC (vo): Here, they're a fucking greeting card commercial. They're not funny, they're not smart, they're not quirky, and their chemistry's about as convincing as this nurse holding a wad of lifeless air. Oh, sorry, Garfield. But Liz decides to give Jon a dog. Kind of random. Liz: His name's Odie, and he's not gonna make it if he has to live his life in a cage. He needs to be loved. NC: Okay, okay, couple of things. One: There's gotta be a ton of dogs around there that don't have homes. What makes this one [Odie] so special? Second: Fuck you, that's not Odie! NC (vo): I mean, what the hell? If Garfield can look like a computer-generated abortion, why can't Odie look more like the cartoon?! I mean, for fuck's sake, at least make him like a Beagle or a Basset Hound! [Images of those dogs are shown alongside an image of the cartoon Odie] I mean, what the piss is this?! Are you trying to go for the Goomba Award... [That so-called award is shown, showing the face of a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros. movie holding a trophy] for making something that looks like something not look like something? How come the majority of the characters look nothing like the ones they were based on?! NC: It'd be like totally changing characters around here. Right, Santa Christ? "Santa Christ": Yeah, whatever, bitch. [Gets angry at something] Oh, fuck you, ho! I got a rocketship AND a Harley! NC: He sure is acting strange, isn't he, Devil Boner? "Devil Boner": Yeah, totally strange. NC: (Confused) Devil Boner? "Devil Boner": Oh, I'm definitely Devil Boner. You wouldn't call me Devil Boner if I wasn't Devil Boner, right? NC: Well, I guess I can't fault you on that logic. What do you think, Uncle Yo? "Uncle Yo": [Squeals] I don't really know what you mean! I'm still the high-pitched, New York Jew stereotype you've all grown to love! Ow! I've just stepped on my foot! Ow! Oh, that's really gonna ruin my day! NC: Nope. You seem exactly the same. Uncle Yo: THAT SON OF A BITCH! I knew I kept that gun from the Ponyo review for good reason! Time for a sudden crossover! [Attempts to walk, but steps on his foot] Ow! Ow! Ow! I stepped on my foot! Ow! [Grabs his foot] Oh, this is gonna ruin my day. NC (vo): So they take Odie home to Jon's Hollywood rich house paid by no seeable occupation, where Odie and the Lorax's Butt don't seem to get along. You can tell, of course, because they have... [Cut to Garfield and Odie dancing with each other] a dance-off. Garfield: Get that weak stuff out of here. Is that foot broken? Walk this way, please. I'm a-walking the dog. NC: Well, I hope you're blown away by this, folks, 'cause it takes up a good couple of minutes. Garfield: You probably should've practiced in the garage before you stepped up with someone on my level. NC (vo): Yeah, have you ever wanted to entertain your baby while punishing him at the same time? Just show Q*bert's Nut Sack dancing here and it'll give them nightmares for a week. Garfield: Oh, come on with that. NC: [Sighs] I never thought I'd say this before, but...you could be watching actual cat videos [One cat video is shown next to NC] and probably get a lot more out of it. NC (vo): So Jon and Liz take Odie to a dog show that she has to judge. Oh, are they gonna try and submit him or something? [Jon and Odie are shown watching the show from their seat] No, they just brought him so he could watch. NC: [confused] Bizarrely useless. NC (vo): But Charmander's Pubic Hair follows and naturally gets in trouble. Garfield: I'll catch up with you. It's probably just a mild concussion or maybe I'll get a CAT Scan. A CAT Scan! NC: Quick vote. Um, do you think the writer worked hours on that joke, like, stayed up super-late at night, coffee after coffee, trying to perfect that joke? Or do you feel he ate some paper, drank some ink, and farted out a screenplay? [A graph is shown, showing a large number voting for the "Farted Out" fact rather than the "Tried" fact] I am watched by good people. NC (vo): The dogs chase Wilford Brimley's Urine-Stained Mustache while Odie gets up and starts to do...this. Host: We certainly have a new star in the arena. [The people start applauding] Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing! NC: [faking amazement] Well, I guess it is kind of amazing! I mean, can science explain this? NC (vo): A dog on his hind legs? It just...it never happens! Host: This is amazing! NC: I mean... [We see Garfield do all the things NC describes next] Fuck the butt-ugly cat that can do karate moves, dance, and leap beyond any realm of reality! No, no! NC (vo): THIS dog is on his hind legs! NC: Well, of course it deserves a standing ovation! What, are we just blind to miracles? NC (vo): Oh, the front page of the newspaper! Naturally! This is big news, people! A dog stood on his hind legs! Host: This is amazing! NC: Let's see what else they'll applaud. Oh, look! [Brings out some keys and waves them] Shiny keys! [The audience applauds. NC shows his hands] My fingernails! [The audience applauds. NC waves his hand in the air] Air! [The audience applauds] Well, I think we found our real headline. NC (vo): "Town High as Hell"! Now I'm starting to see why Garfield eats so much. NC (vo): So Tony the Tiger's Taint accidentally knocks over the world's most accident-prone room, leading to Jon putting him outside. Oh, wait. He puts the cat outside? That's really fucking dangerous. Garfield: You know me. I'm too lazy to try to destroy your house. NC: [As Garfield] Yeah, I'm too lazy to destroy a house but not have several dance sequences. Garfield: You can't keep me out of my own house like I'm some kind of animal! [Jon shuts the door, locking Garfield out] NC (vo; still as Garfield): Thanks for the lack of collar, by the way, in case I get lost. [After a beat, NC speaks normally] You're a seriously terrible owner. Garfield: [singing suddenly] Used to have Jon to myself... NC: Oh, it's a musical now? Fuck you! NC (vo): But the Star Fox Ass Hair locks Odie outside, causing him to run away. This leads to him being found by a greedy TV show host, looking to bank on his popularity. As you can see, Jon and Liz are really torn up about it. Jon: We can't go out tonight. Liz: Why not? Jon: Odie's run away. Liz: [barely emotional] What? NC: [monotone] That almost made me change my facial expression. If I cared, I'd be really upset. Jon: I can't find him. Liz: Why didn't you just tell me? Jon: I guess I figured...he's the only reason you were spending time with me. [She smiles a little at him] NC: Wow. I really believe they were asked to say those lines. NC (vo): So they go looking for Odie, but the Wet Oompa-Loompa Armpit sees him on TV. Garfield: You're gonna miss this! He's the small one! The small one in the guy's...! NC: Christ! Can I take this time to say that the product placement in this film is not only bad, it's Man of Steel-bad? NC (vo): It's fucking everywhere! Not only is it in every scene in the movie, but it's in areas you wouldn't even see in real life! Who the fuck puts Pepsi and Wendy's stickers on their train set?!* Or did Pepsi actually say to their marketing team... • *Jon probably put these stickers there because of a clever way to put small billboard advertisements on his train set. Like in real life with billboards while people are on trains. NC: [As a marketer] You know what market we haven't tapped yet? Train sets. I mean, I was gonna invest in this animated cat movie, but the more I think about it, we got to go where the real gold is. Tiny little signs in this incredibly popular demographic! Wendy: I think you have something there. NC: Thank you, Wendy. NC (vo): So Tigger's Colon decides he's gonna try and find Odie himself. Garfield: No...can't do this. NC (vo): Yeah, he's barely out the house. He's barely out the house. He's barely out the house. He's barely out the... NC: Yeah, Fuck it, let me just look ahead here. NC (vo): Yeah, he's barely out the house. NC: If we guess the jokes before they happen, can we make the movie go faster? NC (vo): He gets the help of his friend Louis, who's now in the city...you know, those commuting suburbia to big city rats...as he points out where Odie is being held. Man: Guess we'll just...purge the system. NC (vo): Ah, don't you love those vents that just take one button to purge the system? NC: Hey, don't question the Purge! It just works! NC (vo; as the man): I'm just gonna choose to ignore this. I don't need anyone to know I was in a Garfield movie. [Normal] He finds Odie, only to discover the owner is using an illegal collar to control him. And... [A close-up of a room's door is shown to have the President's logo on it] also works for the President of the United States. Um...how does that work? President: We had to make a deal with Iran to get more electric collars. Now...some of you might see this as, uh...controversial, but...Bone needs to stop winning the bet. [A dog whimpers loudly off-screen. The President brings out a shock collar and uses it to shock the dog] See? Pays for itself. NC (vo): Odie's taken away, but Starfire's Moldy Cooch isn't ready to give up. NC (vo): Dead. Let's have a moment of silence from the audience. Oh, wait, you're watching Garfield. There's been nothing but moments of silence from the audience. Garfield: My life has been saved by the miracle...of lasagna. NC (vo): [sighs] Is it too late to be a Garfield minus Garfield movie? He, of course, survives, but gets captured by a dog catcher and put in the pound. [The guard is shown carrying Garfield] Yeah, that's right. Carry that nothing. It so looks like you're trying to pretend that something is there. NC: Don't worry. These animators will get great jobs in Jurassic World. NC (vo): But the Heathcliff Vomit frees everybody, allowing him a distraction to escape. Thus, he goes to save Odie at the train station where he's being taken away. Wendell: What will you be having today? Salmon, steak or lasagna? Happy: Steak. I hate lasagna. NC: Oh, see, now we know he's the bad guy. Not kidnapping the dog and putting him through a bunch of tortures, no. It's the fact that he doesn't love lasagna. NC (vo): And in case you're wondering, no. This never comes into play again. You think Garfield would knock a box of lasagna on him* or something, but, no. It's an entirely pointless line. It's like Shredder in the Ninja Turtles movie suddenly saying... Shredder: [voiced by NC] I hate pizza. Turtles: Huh? Shredder: [voiced by NC] Just thought I'd let you know that. Leonardo: Well, you act like a jerk sometimes. • *That actually happened in the video game tie-in of this movie. In the Final Boss Level against Happy Chapman, Garfield defeats him by knocking over 1000 boxes of lasagna on him, causing Chapman to run away screaming "I HATE LASAGNA!!!!" with lasagna all over his body. NC (vo): To stop the train, he sneaks into the control panel and starts randomly pushing buttons, controlling every single train. Because, yeah, that's how it works. Garfield: I think I recognize that whine. NC (vo; as Garfield): It's similar to the people who want their money back. Garfield: Good to see you, partner. NC (vo): But the villain comes in and stops them because...clearly, neither of them could jump over that suitcase. [Cut to an earlier scene of Garfield jumping] Let's see, just a recap. Easy. [Cut to the current scene] Impossible to get over. This movie has masters in what-the-fuckery. Happy: [to Odie] Let's see how you feel with 200 volts coursing through that thick canine skull of yours. NC: [as Happy] I can't possibly find another dog who stands on his hind legs! You're like the Jesus of canines! NC (vo): But the animals he freed from the pound show up to save the day. Garfield: It's showtime! NC (vo): Okay, they don't kill him, but they do put a stop to his evil plan just as Jon and Liz show up to pretty much contribute nothing*, so basically, like the rest of the film. Jon: Garfield! Odie! NC (vo; as Jon): Come here, you sack of air, you. NC: And because this movie had so many good ideas that they couldn't fill the thematic running time, here's some completely pointless dancing. Garfield: [Singing] I feel good! I knew that I would now! NC (vo): Yeah, it literally ties into nothing. It just cuts to him dancing out of nowhere. Garfield: Uh...oops. NC (vo): Brought to you by a director who actively hates his audience. NC: And that was Garfield: The Movie. How does it hold up? [Beat] I think Bill Murray said it best. Little Rock: Do you have any regrets? Bill Murray: Garfield, maybe. NC (vo): Garfield is a great character. In many respects, he’s kind of immortal. Much like the Looney Tunes or Mickey Mouse, even when he’s not funny, we'll still watch him because he’s timeless and will last forever. That’s how good a character he is. This, in no way, represents any of that. It’s the wrong mood, the wrong look, the wrong feel, and the wrong humor. I love this character, even to this day, and usually, when they don’t get him right, I still love him, because he’s so easy to love. This is the first time I actually felt betrayed. And trust me, I’ve seen him poorly represented before, but I still kind of bought it, because while that stuff failed, it still at least tried to represent the heart and spirit of what Garfield was. Here, you feel every lazy, manipulative, empty, corporate-whoring second like you’re watching a funeral at a pet cemetery. I will still always love Garfield, but only when some element of care, even the tiniest bit, is put in. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t see any of that effort here. Therefore, I don’t see Garfield. NC: And I’m pretty good at spotting the real thing. (The studio bells ring) Speaking of which. Joel or Ethan: Action. Or don't. We don't care. Garfield: It's a dog eat dog world, boy. Odie: Nooooo!!! Uncle Yo: It's lead tasting time, asshole! (Odie is confused by what's going on. Uncle Yo's gun goes off, shooting up into the ceiling) Ooh, wow, that is loud! Aaaah! (Suddenly the ceiling collapses on top of Uncle Yo) NC: (Breaking character) Who the hell was that? "Uncle Yo": Beats me! Host: This is amazing! Garfield: Maybe I'll get a CAT scan. A CAT scan!
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