| abstract | - Announcer: AAARGH! [fade up on the title] And now it’s time for “How To Be a Pirate,” [fade out, then fade in on the Dead Skull’s Pub logo] coming from Dead Skull’s Pub! Black Dog Bill: Greetings, me mateys! Black Dog Bill, some call me! [beat] Though only when they’re drunk cuz my real name is Howard. And I’m here to teach ya How To Be a Pirate. [raises his glass and looks off-screen] Isn’t that right, lads? [The patrons react disinterestedly.] Ahh, they love me. Today, [leans out of shot to see his beer on the counter] we’re gonna be looking at… [leans back in and points to the parrot] PARROTS. [The caption bottom-screen says: PARIS] No, no; PARROTS. [the correct caption appears] There ya go. A pirate without a parrot is like Sarah Palin not wanting media attention: inconceivable. Every pirate has had a parrot at some point, and every parrot has had a pirate at some point. Except for Sinister Jack McGee, who had himself a singing naked Indian. [pauses] That was weird. But, needless to say, [points to the parrot] a parrot is an important part ta any pirate accessories. [looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, McAdams? McAdams: You smell like the Devil‘s ballsack! BDB: Aargh, ya mother rapes donkeys! [looks back at us] One hell of a boring speaker, too. Man‘s so dull, he’s put more people to sleep than the Catholic Church. But anyway, the most important thing about [points to it] ya parrot is ta keep him on your shoulder. [points to it again] This little fella kept flying away all the time. I guess he doesn’t like the smell of bacon and ass. [Bill raises his left shoulder, as if the parrot is trying to fly away; so he holds it back down by grabbing its head] There! So if, for some reason, ya have a hard time keeping your parrot there, there’s [holds up two fingers] two options: You can either train the parrot and get to know his psyche until ya two are [holds up crossed fingers] the best of friends… Or you can use [holds up a roll of…] duct tape. I use duct tape. [no tape as he points to the parrot] He won’t be going anywhere. [looks off-screen right] Isn’t that right, Angela? Angela: Is that a man-eating cock on your face or just your face? BDB: Die, ya carnivorous hag! [looks back at us] The woman’s as sharp as ice cream. Incidentally, [points to it again] this little fella’s name is One Beak Bob. [strokes its feathers] I got him cheap at Parrots ‘n Other Things. The “Other Things” were whores. He didn’t cost me much, either; and he can say so many various things! Come on, Bob! Show ‘em what I taught ya! Bob: Rawk! Shiver me timbers! BDB: Ha-ha-ha! Isn’t that cute? Hey, Bob, ya want a cracker? Bob: Rawk! Bob want a cracker! BDB: Ha-HA! Ain’t he wonderful? Hey. Bob, ya think we should blow the man down? Bob: Rawk! Blow the man down! BDB: [laughs heartily] Ya see, he says so many wonderful things! [looks at him] Bob: Rawk! Death to the blacks! BDB: [is speechless; looks back-and-forth at Bob and at us, then stammers] I-I-I-I don’t know why he says that. It’s only once in a while; and, to be honest, I think that’s why I got him at a discount. Bob: Death to the blacks! BDB: Shut up, Bob! He can’t help it. It’s how he was raised! [looks off screen-left] Isn’t that right, Jonathan? Jonathan: You are the anus of life. BDB: You’re the anus of life! [looks back at us] Short bastard couldn’t get in a fight if he tried. Man’s so small, he could use a Cheeto as a battering ram. But seriously, if ya just overlook that one incredibly racist comment, you’ll find that he’s a very, very nice parrot. Bob: Rawk! [as Bill looks at him] The skinheads were right! BDB: [speechless again] Okay, that one’s new. Seriously, I’m telling you for real; there’s no cause for alarm. He’s actually a very, very kind animal. Bob: Obliterate the Jews. BDB: Now, whaddaya say, Bob, we tell them about what we did last night? Remember that fine lass that we saw over there by the bar? Bob: Rawk! Say, honey, would ya like a Jolly Roger? BDB: [laughs] He does remember! [laughs some more] He’s always repeating things that he hears other people say. Bob: Rawk! That’s $30 a minute, bub. BDB: [speechless again] Ok, ok, that’s enough, Bob. Bob: Rawk! If you want a spanking, that costs extra. BDB: [getting frustrated] Be quiet, Bob. Bob: Rawk! If you make people watch, they have to pay, too. Bob: Rawk! Oh my God, that’s the tiniest thing I’ve ever seen! BDB: Ok, you’re on thin ice, Bob. Bob: Do you seriously please women with that thing? BDB: [looking at us] I swear that never happened. Bob: Rawk! Let me guess: ya can’t get it up. BDB: [grabs the parrot by the head and tears it off his shoulder] I think it’s time we said goodbye [reaches out and grabs an old pistol] to One Beak Bob! Bob: [Bill points the pistol at Bob] Once you stop crying, we’ll try again! [the pistol fires, and Bob is dead; Bill looks off screen-left] BDB: Hey, cook! [tosses Bob’s body off] Here’s some real meat for ya meatloaf! Ach! Ya just can’t get good parrots anymore. [looks overhead-right] Isn’t that right, Mrs. Shue? Mrs. Shue: Quiet! I‘m calling your mother at the zoo! BDB: GO TA HELL AND STAY THERE! [looks back at us] That old hag is one to talk! Her boobs hang so low, you could play tetherball with them. Aargh, they act like they hate me; [leans off-screen to retrieve his beer] but, in reality, they love me. For I know the tales of Bloodbeard Joe. Patrons: Bloodbeard Joe?! [when they say this, Bill reacts; then everyone reacts happily. During these tales, Bill looks back and froth, addressing the crowd] BDB: Shall I tell ya about the greatest pirate who ever lived, Bloodbeard Joe? [the patrons react heartily, usually by shouting each time] They say Bloodbeard Joe needs no gun to kill. After he‘s done shaving, he just uses the strands of his beard as throwing daggers. [the patrons are pleased] They say that Bloodbeard Joe created Optimus Prime by making love to a pick-up truck. [they shout] Patron: Why would he make love to a pick-up truck? BDB: [pauses to think] Why wouldn’t he make love to a pick-up truck? [they shout again as Bill laughs; he then breathes in and does one last:] Ha! They say Bloodbeard Joe created the Red Seas by passing a kidney stone. [Hooray!] Bloodbeard Joe could give himself a vasectomy and still be more of a man than any of you. [Hooray!] Ha-ha! Everyone thinks that the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg. [pauses] But, in reality, it was Bloodbeard Joe just ta see James Cameron get an Oscar! [they shout] They say that Bloodbeard Joe is so strong that, when he stomps his foot, the earth splits in half. [Woooow.] They say that, if there was ever a fight between Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Bruce Campbell… Bloodbeard Joe would still win somehow! [Hooray!] Ha-ha! Bloodbeard Joe’s teeth are so mighty that he could make a fortune just chewing gold and spitting out pieces of eight. [they laugh] They say that Bloodbeard Joe once pointed his gun at the moon and fired. [pauses] And that‘s why the moon has craters! [they shout; he laughs] So I’d like everyone to raise a glass [which he does] to Bloodbeard Joe. He may not be God. Oh, wait; yes, he is. [he takes a drink as the patrons shout, “Hooray!”] Join me next time for “How To Be a Pirate.” [waves at us] See ya soon. [takes another drink as the announcer speaks:] Announcer: This was [we dissolve to the title card] “How To Be a Pirate.” The greatest show that ever… [can’t think of something to say, so he just says:] Yaaargh. BDB: Aargh! Have you heard stories about Bloodbeard Joe? I bet ya have. Just send it [BloodBeard@ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com appears on the bottom of the screen] to this address right here, and it just might make it into the next episode. But send them quick because… I want them quick! [shrugs and takes another drink]
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