| abstract | - Linkara: You know, Critic, I couldn't help but feel that you're... not getting into character. NC: Well, sure I am. I'm all magical and shit. Linkara: Well it's just that... The map says that we must be in character in order to find the treasure. It... helps us find our way... NC: Alright, Sir Dicks-alot, tell me what this means then: "You will ask which warrior which way to go. Which way do you think which warrior will show?" Now what the hell does that mean? Witch: *with a friendly wave* Hello! NC: Boy, this guy couldn't spell worth jack shit. *to witch* Hey, you need a "T" in here in order for this pun to work! Witch: Well, next time I see the ol' Jaffer, I'll give him the info. NC: So, you know Jaffers too, huh? Lemme guess: You're supposed to be Witch Warrior. Witch: That's the whole kit n' kabootle! Linkara: Then tell us, Witch Warrior: Which way... to Malachite's Hand? Witch: Hmm, take one hundred steps, turn left in the forest, keep goin' straight. Linkara: Huh, that was easy. Witch: But unfortunately, you have to pass by me in order to continue. It's my job as Good Witch of the Woods. NC: Really? You're the Good Witch of the Woods, huh? Witch: Yeah. Benzaie: Oh, we're supposed to be scared of the Good Witch of the Woods? Witch: If you could, yes. NC: Alright, Kiki. Mrs. Good Witch of the Woods. NC: *in baby talk* Oh, who's a good witch? Oh, you are a good witch! Witch: Ah, ha, ha, alright, very funny... NC: Oh, who's a good witch? Oh, you are a good witch! Bennett: You're such a good witch! Aww, such a good witch! Witch: YOU WILL PERISH IN THE FLAMING PITS OF HELL, WHERE THE DEMONS ASMODEUS AND ASMARA WILL FEAST ON YOUR BOILING FLESH AND CHEW ON YOUR EYEBALLS!!! THEN, A THOUSAND YEARS OF BLAZING TORMENT!!!!! Witch: Neat, huh? NC: Stupid chain letter, I knew I shouldn't have followed it. Why didn't any of you try to stop me?! Witch: Chain letter? Witch: But Jaffers didn't- Oh... Oh dear... Perhaps it's better if you die now rather than wait for what's coming. I know what hunts you, and believe me, it's much kinder if I just, mmm... smash your brains in and and drink from your bleeding skulls. Phelous: *sobbing* My friends! NC: Tom? Where the hell are you goin'? Witch: OH, YOU BUNGHOLE!!! NOOOOO, YOU TORTUROUS COCK GOBLIN!!! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEE!!!!! Benzaie: How did she do this? Linkara: It's magic. You don't have to explain it. NC: Don't be stupid, there's no such thing as magic. Linkara: *annoyed* Really? Then how did she do it?! NC: Keep movin'. Girl: *talking on phone* And my dad shot her. It was weird. *she notices the map* Hold on a sec. Mysterious Person: Where did you find that? Girl: Just here. Is it yours? Girl: Excuse me. I said, "Is it yours?" Girl: Well, if it's not yours, I'm takin' it? Finders keepers. Girl: *tugging for the map* Hey, come on. *she goes back to her phone* No, no, Frank, it's just a... Rocky Horror reject. MP: Is that your phone? Girl: Yeah. MP: Don't use that. Girl: Why not? MP: Just don't. Girl: *toyingly* Why? MP: What do you think of the 21st century? Girl: I don't know. I can't see that far into the future. MP: Does your cocoon of technological webbing keep you safe? Does it protect you from the real evils of this world? Do you feel better knowing what every last man, woman, and child is doing this very moment, all across this fearsome existence? Every message, every podcast, Facebook, "Charlie Fucking Bit Me!" Does it enrich your life? Does it give you... purpose? Girl: Hey, you're kinda hot. What'cha doin' tonight? Spoony: The path is split! No more shall we wander naked in the dark. 'Tis time to see where the next arrow lies. Todd: He's checking the map. Spoony: Yes. Group: Oh, okay... Spoony: Um, oopsie-doodle. Todd: What? What is it? Spoony: Well, um... uh... Todd: Did you lose the map? Spoony: I'm not saying that, uh... Todd: *raising his voice* Well, what are you saying? Spoony: ...Well, I'm saying it now. Snob: This is intolerable. Paw: A pox on your houses!!! MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese* (in subtitles: Yeah, what he said.) Spoony: No wait, wait. I think I remember what it said on the map. Todd: You couldn't remember the goddamn alphabet! Spoony: No, really! I believe it said, "If the path should split from left to right, pick up a stone and say 'Give me light.'" Joe: "Pick up a stone and 'Give me light?'" Spoony: Well, I think so. Snob: Oh, right. *picks up a stone* Like I'm just supposed to pick up a stone, stand here, and say "Give me light?" Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Snob: Shit! JewWario: What was that? Snob: Nobody saw that? JewWario: No. Snob: *picks up another stone* You actually pick up a stone, stand here, and say, "Give me light." Gatecleaner: OOOOOOOOHHH!!!!! Snob: Fuck! Luke: Okay. *picks up a rock* I'll try it. Film Brain: Like hell you will. *tries to take Luke's stone* Give me that! Luke: *still holding on to his rock* Like hell you will, Spotted Dick. Film Brain: Back off, Dudley Do-Right! Luke and Film Brain: *both holding the rock* Give me light! Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... Gatecleaner: So, puny mortals, you are looking for the correct path to lead you to Malachite's Hand? Luke and Film Brain: Yes... Gatecleaner: Then follow these words closely, for I shall not repeat them. Go to- Film Brain: Bollocks! *retrieves rock* Luke: Film Brain! Film Brain: Sorry. Luke and Film Brain: Give me light! Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAHH!!!!! Don't let that happen again! These rocks already get bad reception! Luke and Film Brain: Sorry. Gatecleaner: Good. Now go to the r- Luke: Oh, hold on. I better right this down. *searches himself for a pen and paper* Film Brain: Just remember it! Luke: Ugh, fine! *retrieves rock* Film Brain: Like working a second grader. Luke and Film Brain: Give me light! Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! Luke and Film Brain: *unamused* Seen it. Gatecleaner: Now stop dropping the damn rock already! I'm a busy man and I haven't got all day! Got it?! Luke and Film Brain: Yes, sir. Gatecleaner: Alright! But this is the last time, I swear to God! If you miss it, you miss it. Now, go- Luke: Oh, hang on a second. Luke: *on phone* Hello? ...Oh, hi Mom. ...Yeah, I'm on a quest for buried treasure. Isn't that cool? ...No, this one's for real this time. *more quietly* No, I won't bring home another dead animal. Luke: *on phone* Okay, love you, too. Bye. *hangs up and puts away phone* We may continue. *retrieves rock* Film Brain: *sarcastically* Oh, may we? Luke and Film Brain: Give me light! Gatecleaner: DAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! Luke: Ugh, do you have to do that every time? Gatecleaner: I'm contractually obligated to, yes. Now stop dropping the damn rock!!! Film Brain: Hang on, I've got an idea! Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock* Gatecleaner: DOOOOOOO!!!!! Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock* Gatecleaner: DAAAAAHH!!!!! Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock* Gatecleaner: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! Film Brain: *tosses rock* Whoo! *catches rock* Gatecleaner: OOOOOOOOOHHH!!!!! Film Brain: *tosses rock* Ha, ha! *catches rock* Gatecleaner: DRAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!! Film Brain: *tosses rock* This is fun! *catches rock* Gatecleaner: WOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!! STOP IT! STOP IT! *finally catching Luke and Film Brain's attention* YOU INSOLENT MAGGOTS!!! I've seen three-headed hellspawn more cooperative than you! Now, do you want to know the stinking location or not? Luke and Film Brain: Yes... Gatecleaner: Alright then! Go to the fork in the road, take a right, and continue forth, got it?! Luke and Film Brain: Yes. Gatecleaner: Good! Never call me again, you little bastards! Now if you'll excuse me, I have rock waiting. *flips to next line* HAAAAAAAHH!!!!! Gatecleaner's Wife: Honey, did you ever pick up the croutons? Gatecleaner: I told you to check the pantry. I'm not buying more croutons when we already have an open box! Luke: Well, I figured it out. We take the path to the right. Snob: Who is that? Todd: Looks like a member of Run-DMC. JewWario: Um, excuse me? Can we help you, strange... Gestapo looking person? MP: You dropped this. JewWario: Oh. Oh! Well- Well, thank you very much! *turns back to the group* What a nice person. We should give him something. Uh- MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Chicken humpers!) Spoony: Run like children! Cloak 1: Unleash the fire of a thousand arrows. Cloak 2: You mean the machine gun? Cloak 1: ...Yes. Joe: Wait, I didn't know we could use machine guns! Joe: MY NAME IS INIGO MONTOYA, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Joe: KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!!! Cloak 1: Cloak 2, don't be a hero! MarzGurl: *in Japanese* (subtitles: Let's go, Ted Nugent!) Joe: Oh, man, that was awesome! I'm liking this character more and more! Luke: Wait a minute! *looks around* Where's Film Brain? Film Brain: Hello? *steps out from hiding* Hello? Did we win? Film Brain: *waving his wand* Exxon Petrolium! Cloak 1: Look into my eyes! Film Brain: *terrified* I can't see your eyes! They're covered up! Cloak 1: Oh... Well, pretend you can see my eyes. Film Brain: *gleefully* Okay. Cloak 1: Look into them! Film Brain: *terrified* AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! Cloak 1: You are now one of us! One of us. One of us.
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