| abstract | - Jim Dale here. No, not the narrator from Pushing Daisies and Harry Potter. I'm a 40-year-old man who still lives with his parents, even though I'm happily married with a 14-year-old son. My folks and I had been avoiding this film like the plague for a number of reasons. We didn't get to see it in the theaters because it didn't make enough money and never made it to our dollar theater. It got so bad that Sony had to co-distribute the DVD and Blu-ray. Almost a year after it bombed in theaters, we finally decided to put aside our reservations and greet the film with ajar (but not open) arms. We rented the Blu-ray (which contains Rob Zombie's Unrated Director's Cut, but not the theatrical cut) for about $3 bucks. I lowered my expectations greatly, and was mostly won over by the results. Let's start with what I didn't like -- the way Zombie altered Michael Myers. As a child, he is no longer portrayed by Daeg Faerch, due to his "increased height." Instead, his massive shoes are filled with shit by a bland, generic cereal-commercial-looking kid named Chase Wright Vanek, who bears a striking resemblance to Hanson's ugly stepsister. I liked Daeg waaaay better than this hack. I don't see why Rob couldn't just film Daeg in front of a green screen and make him short in post-production; any competent director could have done it. Zombie also mentioned that Daeg's voice had gotten deeper, as well, making it impossible in his eyes to use the young actor. Bullshit. Daeg would/could/should have worked in this film. Period. As for the big guy himself, adult Michael Myers is hooded, half-masked, grunts, and (in the DC ending) unmasks himself and says "Die!" These are all cardinal sins in the Halloween universe. Michael Myers, as an adult, should always be a silent killer with a William Shatner mask and coveralls. Here, he looks like the Geico Caveman. Ironically, the actual Geico Caveman -- Jeffrey Daniel Phillips -- is in this as a character named Howard. He also fills the role of Uncle Seymour Coffins that was originally to be played by Zombie regular Bill Moseley, who dropped out due to scheduling conflicts only a few days after the Daeg news broke. The changes made to Michael Myers -- adult and child -- were completely unnecessary. Moustapha Akkad and Donald Pleasence are rolling in their graves. And where the fuck was the Halloween Theme? At the end of the fucking movie. The fucking credits! The hell's up with that? I bet John Carpenter is wagging his finger at that decision as we speak. Oh well, it's a rather minor pissoff. I thought overall, the film was good. I loved the cinematography. The picture quality was top notch; I hear a bunch of fanboys bitching about the 16mm grain, but I thought it was very subtle and added a certain warmth to the film. Sound quality was top notch in DTS-HD. But I bet it was deafening to the few people who actually paid to see it in theaters. But probably no louder than the 2007-2008 Van Halen concerts with David Lee Roth. Now that was dangerously loud -- gave me tinnitus! The acting was actually pretty good, better than I predicted. I wouldn't call it Oscar-worthy by any means, but it's a step or so above the standard slasher. Vanek can't act worth shit. Sherri was better than I expected. Scout-Taylor Compton was good. Danielle Harris was a treat. Malcolm McDowell's version of Dr. Loomis as an arrogant dick turned out better than I had hoped; certainly not Donald Pleasence by any means, but still good. I give it a solid 6.5/10.
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