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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/IPod Car
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| rdfs:comment | - Seems to be in need of improvements, but I can't think of much. 18:32, March 30, 2014 (UTC) I'll do this one. It might have to be tomorrow though. -- 08:07, April 3, 2014 (UTC)
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| Mcomment | - My overall grade of the article.
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| Pcomment | - I tried to type this up for ages but couldn't explain it in a way that didn't make me what to tear my own eyes out in frustration when I read it back - so I just copied the article to my userspace and made the changes I was going to suggest.
This is what I mean.
Please make free with this version as if it were your own, which it is.
Oh and also, make sure you check your spelling, particularly in the headers and large text. I corrected an error in one of them as I read through, keep an eye on it.
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| Icomment | - The images are generally pretty good, the main issue as I see it concerns the way that the images are put in the article, some of them have frames, some of them don't some of them have captions, some of them don't. This isn't much of an issue, granted, but it's a problem that needn't exist, you don't really need captions in this article as the images are a part of the article and almost all of them have a sentence underneath. Have a proper look and decide how you can present your images and what your options are for presenting them differently. You will see in the version of the article in my userspace I have moved one of the images from the explanation section to the advert part of the article, it seemed to fit and I liked the joke too much to get rid of it. Consider something similar with the mainspace version.
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| Ccomment | - I like the concept, the idea of taking something as simplistic as plugging an iPod into a car and marketing it is a very good one. My only criticisms of this are mentioned briefly above, you can look at making the narrator's style even more ridiculously unaware of how ridiculous this is. Every time I write about how simplistic the product that is being sold here is, I feel like this should be something mentioned in the article but as a selling point as to how easy the iPod car is to use and how simplistic it is. I'm not insisting that you write hundreds more jokes in but I think there is potential for this to be exploited more in the text of the article. I am hesitant to suggest this however, as I do like the jokes that are in the article at the moment, so you may wish to think about integrating this style more noticeably into your existing jokes rather than adding brand new ones. As a bit of a caveat to this, I didn't think the very last line of the article fitted so well with the tone of the rest of the article, you may wish to look at removing it altogether and ending the "A normal iPod Car and how to get one" section with "So why haven't you gotten an iPod Car?". This would also work better if you move the explanation to the top as the question links neatly to the advert part of the article.
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| Hcomment | - Morning! I'll start off by saying I did like this article, I read it when you put it on VFH and would have voted for but for this review request. Despite enjoying the article there are a couple of things you might want to consider altering to make it slightly more palatable to the voting masses and readers generally. The very first thing you might want to consider looking at is the structure of the article; you start off with what is essentially the advert for the iPod car but at this stage we don't really know what it is or what it does. I appreciate why you have chosen to start off the article in this way, it is an effective parody of Apple's advertising style and this certainly has a place in the article, my question is, is that place really the very beginning? Take a second look at your article and imagine you have no knowledge of the subject matter beyond knowing what an iPod is and what a car is; for me the first part of the article should have come second to the explanation you provide later on. Once I am aware that an iPod car is essentially just a car with an iPod in it the advert becomes more enjoyable and much more understandable. When I go through your article as it is now I was trying to work out whether or not an iPod car is a car where the iPod forms part of the structure or whether it was simply a car with an iPod plugged in. To my mind for your article to have the impact that it should this needs to be clear as we start the article rather than at its conclusion. Whether or not you feel that making this change will benefit the article is down to you. I can see that you are trying to give the article the feel of an advertisement, but you need to strike a balance between the advertisement feel and some explanation for the reader. I know that the current style is similar to Apple's method of advertising their products, however they are able to do this because just about everybody knows what an iPod is and just about everybody knows what a Mac is, there's no need for explanation.
I would suggest that either you shift the explanation in the "A normal iPod Car and how to get one" section to the start and put the advertisement underneath it or you try and include the explanation in the advert itself, for instance you could start the article with a picture of a car and a picture of an iPod saying something like "The whole is so much greater than the sum of its parts" you could then provide the image of the iPod simply plugged in inside the car.
This is just a suggestion, I actually really liked the captions on the images later in the article and were it up to me I'd simply move the explanation to the top. If you do move the explanation you might wish to consider cutting the text down a little bit, since this article's success is rooted in linking text to images. The jokes themselves are good, I like the style you've used to explain the benefits of the product and I think cutting that out of the article would hurt you more than it would help you. If you are concerned about moving the explanation up to the top because of the style you are trying for, consider making the explanation a bit more overblown to give it the feel of an advert. What I mean by this is that you may wish to consider making the narration less self-aware, you do this well already saying things like:
"It is also the throne of power from which we can gesture rudely and shout out the window at those immigrants who just can't get the hang of owning an automobile."
You can apply this to the part where you explain what the iPod car is to say something like:
"The iPod car is not simply a car linked to an iPod with a cable. It is a car fused to a cutting edge piece of Apple hardware with a specialised rubber coated, aerodynamic and lightweight coaxial."
Without wishing to regurgitate the old M&S adverts all over your article, something like the above might be beneficial, it provides the explanation of what the iPod car is, but maintains the advertising style you do so well elsewhere. I'd be cautious about overusing the above tactic, it becomes tiresome very quickly, but I feel it is very important for you to never allow the narration to appear concious of the mundanity of the advertised product, by making some small changes to your explanation I think you'll be able to pull this off a lot more effectively.
Generally I'm nit-picking with a lot of these criticisms, which aren't really criticisms but more suggestions for changes. Ultimately, the article is good as it is and would remain so even if you changed nothing. However, I sense that VFH is your ultimate goal and in that case you may wish, at the very least, to experiment with some of the changes I have mentioned. The most important I would suggest regards the location of the explanation, get it up to the top and change the explanation of the product up a bit. You've done very well here and should be pleased with the work you've done, I genuinely enjoyed reading the article, I'd say you just need some final tweaks are required to finish it off.
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| Fcomment | - A very enjoyable article, of which you should be proud. There are some niggling little issues that I have banged on about at length above, so I hope you do appreciate that I liked the article. I know you're wanting to get this featured and I see no reason why it should not be with a little bit more tweaking. Don't worry about how we'll put it on the main page, I or one of the other admins will worry about that when we add it to the queue. I did chuck a few extra links into the version in my userspace, I thought they worked quite well as well as highlighting some other articles. If you have any questions or comments about the above then let me know on my talk page. Best of luck making your changes.
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| abstract | - Seems to be in need of improvements, but I can't think of much. 18:32, March 30, 2014 (UTC) I'll do this one. It might have to be tomorrow though. -- 08:07, April 3, 2014 (UTC)
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