| abstract | - Todd: So, this seems to be the last location. JewWario: How do we get in? Joe: I'll handle this! Joe: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my hamster! Todd: Father. Snob: That's not even a person! Snob: dragging Joe besides him to take his place Alright, stand aside, amateur. Snob: Hi there! We represent "The Broadway Better Business Players For a Brighter Tomorrow". We're trying to start a petition to get second rate shows taken off the marquee, and with your help we can stop Mamma Mia! from ever playing again. House owner: Oh, thank goodness. Come in, come in! House owner: laughing You know, for a second there, I thought you were all insane! Snob: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! House owner: Is that duct tape? FB: According to this, we must dig through the floor to find the Voice of the Ancient World, and once found, he will lead us to the gauntlet. Spoony: Then, let's get digging! 'Everyone says "yeeeah" and raises their weapons, presumably to hit the floor House owner: I have a basement. AskThatGuy: Hello. Didn't hear you come in. FB: What are you doing here? AskThatGuy: That's a very good question. And the answer is: you're not the only one that has an internet show to shoot, you know? Paw: Yeah, but... what are you doing in this woman's house? AskThatGuy: I think the real question is: what is she doing in *my* house. Snob: Whatever. Is there a Voice of the Ancient World down here? AskThatGuy: Certain. It's right back there. Spoony: Something tells me it's in there! Snob: That's the box of a carpenter. Luke: It says that the voice has been around longer than time itself. And that it has all the answers we need. Snob: Well, here goes nothing. Voice of the Ancient World: Yeah, what? Spoony: Are you the Voice of the Ancient World? Voice: Yeah, what about it? Paw: You don't sound very ancient. Voice: And you sound like an ass! What's it to ya? MarzGurl: *speaks in Japanese* (in subtitles: How rude.) Voice: Yeah, your mother was a bitch and your father was a bull! I guess it makes you a bullshitzu! Ha, ha, ha! MarzGurl: saddened *Japanese* (in subtitles: I have feelings too.) Voice: So what do you pricks want? I'm a voice! I've got shit to do! Joe: Hey, you're not very nice! Voice: Oh, hey, hey, hey, guess what? Joe: What? Voice: Fuck you! Joe: Fuck you! Voice: Fuck yoooou! Joe: Fuck you! Todd: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, we got carried away here! Look, thinks for a while Voice, we're not here to start anything, we're just here to learn about the gauntlet, Malachite's Hand. Voice: Malachite's Hand? Now that I know a great deal about. Todd: How much do you know? Voice: Everything. Voice: Long ago, in the early years before the Common Era, there lived two good friends, an alchemist and a sorcerer. The alchemist was named Aeon, the sorcerer was named Malachite. Both were the absolute masters of their craft. Aeon taught Malachite the ways of science, chemistry, metal and wheels. In turn, Malachite taught Aeon the ways of magic, spells, sorcery, and the secret rites of the occult. But then the great king summoned Aeon to his throne, for he was his most trusted advisor. The king told Aeon he wanted to devote all his power into creating the strongest force on Earth. So, he asked which was more powerful, science or magic. If magic was chosen, Malachite would be put in charge, and though Aeon was a good friend, he knew that Malachite had a dark, brooding heart, and could not risk his power possibly destroying the land. So Aeon responded "In reason and science is where our future lies." The King agreed and gave Aeon all the control he needed to perfect his craft. Once word reached Malachite of this news, he felt betrayed and challenged Aeon in a battle to the death. Malachite created a magic stone that would give him unlimited power. He attached the stone to his gauntlet, also known as Malachite's Hand. But Aeon, through the science of alchemy, crafted a ring made from lodestone that could reflect Malachite's magic back to him. So the battle begun. The two fought for hours, science versus magic, light vs. dark. Explosion sounds Mountains crumbled and the world shook. Screen goes black for a moment But in the end it was Aeon who rose triumphant. But because of their friendship, Aeon did not kill him. Instead, he removed the gauntlet and buried it somewhere safe in the depths of the Earth. For every time a sorcerer uses magic he drains his life force, and the gauntlet was the only thing that gave Malachite eternal magic with no repercussions. So Malachite stopped using magic, allowing him to live longer and longer, watching the world of magic fade, and the world of science and technology consume the Earth. Thus he spent the rest of his days vowing to find the gauntlet again, and destroy the pitiful world that science and technology had created. Snob: How is it this Malachite can live so long? Voice: One of the first spells he casted with the gauntlet was eternal youth, so he can live as long as he wants, so long as he doesn't use any more magic. FB: What happened to Aeon? What happened to him and his creations? Voice: Hell if I know! He probably died like anyone else! His creations? Passed down through time, setting off a chain of events that evolved into the technological world we see today. Paw: We're actually trying to find the gauntlet that Malachite's looking for. You know where it is? Voice: Oh, fuck no! I ain't telling you guys that! FB: Well, why not? Voice: 'Cause if you guys find it, you'll do God-knows-what with that shit! JewWario: No, no, really! After hearing all of that, I think we want to keep it safe! Voice: No, no, no! You guys are going to fuck it up! Joe: Hey, listen here, you sound bite... Voice: Hey, my mother was a sound bite! Fuck this shit, man, I'm outta here! Spoony: HEY! AskThatGuy: Bye-bye! Spoony: Well, great! Now what the hell do we do? FB: Wait, who put that note on the box anyway? AskThatGuy: Oh, I did. MarzGurl: *Japanese* (in subtitles: You did?) AskThatGuy: Yeah. I put it there so it wouldn't be too obvious where it was. FB: Well, is there anything else you wouldn't want to be too obvious? AskThatGuy: Absolutely! This sheet of paper that says exactly where the gauntlet is located! Spoony: Can we see it? AskThatGuy: Sure. Have a looksie. FB: Oh, you've... Chick: ...got to be... Todd...fucking... NC: ...KIDDING ME! NC: IT'S RIGHT BACK WHERE WE STARTED!?!? Suede: Oh, yes indeed. That was Jaffers' idea. For you see, only the true of heart... NC: OH, SHUT UP! Snob: I hate today. Todd: I need a stiff drink. Spoony: Hold on, my friends! Through the peaks and valleys of... Everyone: SHUT UP! Luke: Alright, we gotta hurry before this Malachite guy figures out any of this. Paw: Aren't we forgetting something? points down then up Luke: Oh, yeah. Snob: And in conclusion to our strongly worded apology, we would appreciate it if you didn't hold us liable for any damages, injuries, property-wise or psychological. Um... Yeah, this has all been just a dream. Snob: Let's go! Linkara: So where's the frigging thing anyway? Suede: It's over there... in the Storm Drain of Secrets. NC: Okay. Everyone, be on your guard. Will somebody cheer up Phelous? Phelous: in a lamenting voice, looking at his hands BIG, STRONG HANDS! NC: I think I feel it... It's duct taped to the pipe. I think I got it! I got it! NC: HAHA! NC: GAH! Jaffers: Oh man! I missed! NC: You?! Jaffers: Oh, hey. The internet reviewers! Hey man, I just found out what the internet is... You guys are awesome! NC: Oh, that's great, really great. Are we cool now? Jaffers: No, I still gotta kill you. NC: Of course. Phelous: HANDS OFF MY FRIENDS! Benzaie: Phelous, you're back! Linkara: I guess he realized that true friends are made of flesh and blood and not of material possessions. Phelous: Come on, you guys. putting his hood down That was a character I was playing! You take this way too seriously! NC: Yeah, well, could you knock him out for me, please? NC: Thank you. Jaffers: to Suede Oh, hey man! Weren't you one of my obstacles? Suede: Um, sort of. The other obstacle took a desk job in Boise. I'm just the temp. Jaffers: Well, thanks for betraying me, you rotten kiwi. Suede: snickers Go suck a popsicle! NC: This is the gauntlet? Jaffers: Oh, no. The gauntlet was too ugly, man. The jewel is all that matters. So I put it on a more fitting weapon. No one has seen anything like it. camera pans down on a Nintendo Power Glove with the jewel incrusted in it Born in a secret Japanese laboratory, smuggled out by American industrialist spies, the latest in Space Age technology! Mickey: I'm not gonna lie. That is friggin' awesome! Tom: I'm Willow! Mickey: Yes. Yes you are. NC: Well, bottom line, we have to find another place to hide this! Come on! Jaffers: NO! The Storm Drain of Secrets was perfect! NC: Oh, get a haircut, hippie! Jaffers: Give me the Hand! NC: Back off, man! points at Glove Don't make me use this on you! He notices the stone isn't there Where'd the stone go? Where'd the stone go? Look around, look around, try to find the stone! Jaffers: Oh, oh. Aw, hell with it, man! You guys aren't worthy enough to hide the gauntlet! NC: Oh, will you piss off already? Jaffers: Back off, or I'll take it by force! NC: Yeah? You and what army? Voice: Yeah, oh yeah! Jaffers: My guys are gonna rip you a new one! Jaffers: Alright. Well, first they're gonna wait for traffic, then they're gonna rip you a new one! NC: Critics! Reviewers! My brothers! I see in your eyes, the same fear that would take the heart of me! Unlike all the other times we've ever done this, this time we're really fighting for something! A day may come when dark mage threatens to throw us back into the Stone Age! A day may come when the cult of an unwitty hack actually allows him to do it! A day may come when the courage of critics fails, and we break our oath of snark and irony! But it is not this day! Sure, we may have abused science. Really abused it! But that doesn't mean we still can't learn from it! There may be no more shows when the age of technology comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! Linkara: He's really getting into this! NC: So by all the cool gizmos and technological toys that you hold dear on this good earth, stand, reviewers of the Internet! NC: to Lupa Shut up! Lupa: You better hold on your hat! Benzaie: lifts his sword I HAVE THE POWER! the sword blows and sparks shoot out of it Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Lupa: Oh, oh! breaks character Ah, what the hell? bites Cat's hand Voice: Come, on, ha huh! Come on! Phelous: Rockbiter smash! Suede: I find that very vexing. *punches her* Linkara: *dropping his sword* Oh, screw this! *gets his gun from his back and shoots the Cloak* Mickey: You will believe a boy can fly! Launch me, Tom! Mickey: I'm flying, Wendy! I'm flying! Mickey: The current time is 20:55. Thank you for flying Painful Airlines... *passes out* Benzaie: *thinking* Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. All I ask is that I see Beary again. *the corner of the screen shows Benzaie doing a review with Beary* He's so gentle and kind. I must see him once before I perish. Crom: *sighs* Hello? Benzaie: *thinking* Crom? Crom: Yeah, who's this? Benzaie: *thinking* This is Benzaie! I-I'm a big fan! Crom: Well, what do you want? Benzaie: *thinking and smiling* Um, can you help us win this battle? Crom: Fight your own battle, you schmuck! I'm watching Harry and the Hendersons! Don't ever call me again! *burps* Benzaie: *angry* Then to HELL with you! Tom: Alright, let's try this again. One, two... Mickey falls in the ground Jaffers: You should have stayed on web! NC: Online. Jaffers: Whatever! You're gonna die now! Spoony: Look to the east! NC: Spoony! Spoony: The Critic Nostalgia stands alone. Joe: *comes behind Spoony* Yeah! Shouldn't we help him? Spoony: Oh, right. TO THE CRITIC! Luke/FB: EXPECTO MY FIST! Both punch Cloak 1 in the face Voice: *laughs* Come on! Hey! *Todd grabs the Voice* Let go, you Zorro-sucking maggot! Todd: BATTER UP! Voice: FUUUUUUUCK! Paw: Home run for Profion! *Drops his staff, does a chest-bump with Todd* Yes! Joe: Say hello to my little friend! Lupa: I need a gun! Joe: Wow. That's strangely hot. *returns to shooting* Spoony: Go back to the litterbox, pussy of puppety doom! Spoony: Sucker! Joe: Suede? What are you doing here? Suede: I'm, uh, not much, just FINDING THE STONE! Joe: Alright! NC: Let me see that! *grabs the Glove* Ha, ha! We've saved the gauntlet!
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