| abstract | - John Leslie is a huge, black dragon who resides in a cavern two miles below the surface of the Earth. John Leslie is infamous for for causing widespread destruction and havoc (or as he refers to it, "ruckin' boiz up yeh") on his occasional visits to the surface- indeed there is a growing body of evidence that the attacks on the World Trade Center in New York may have been down to Leslie "dressed up in a plane suit so we wouldn't know it was him". John Leslie has taken many virgin sacrifices from the towns near the entrance to his cavern in the northern regions of Sweden. Only one adventurer has returned of the intrepid number who have ventured into his lair; he claims Leslie keeps his victims trapped atop a hellish "Wheel of Fortune" with a selection of grisly fates on it, while he joyfully spins the wheel for hours on end, content that when he stops, he will be able to kill or rape something. John Leslie's TV career was launched with "What's That In My Intestines?", a fun game show where Leslie and the mute masked hunchbacks he referred to as his "family" would have non-consensual sex with minor celebrities. This led to a number of TV offers, one of which was replacing Nicky Campbell as host of "Wheel of Fortune" after Campbell was dismissed for calling a contestant a "fucking dystrophy-face" and a "spinning sack of dismembered witch tits" for not guessing Leaning Tower of Pisa as a "Landmark" with the letters L--N-NG T-W-R -F P-S- on the board during a special live edition of the show aired during the "Jim Bowen's Motorboats of Fury '93" telethon, wherein Bowen was attempting to raise funds for children in Africa to get high-quality gameshow prizes. John Leslie's career has since gone from strength to strength; he won an Oscar at one point for his portrayal of Omaha Beach in Saving Private Ryan, had a number one single in Scotland with "Ah'd Rather be a Rapist than a Papist" and was declared President of France in 2003 following an incident involving Jacques Chirac, a frozen lake, fourteen ounces of C4, a bucket of frozen squid, three cows (although really we shouldn’t call terrified women who have been kidnapped and tied-up to prevent escape cows) of which only one could fly and the other two were dead, and a drunken vagrant, Max Mosley lookalike, with no skeleton called Clinky Joe. John Leslie received the Iron Cross for his participation in the incident, which he later ate, prompting his mass arson in Dresden which he claimed was motivated by "They sly Bosch cunts tryin' tae destroy ma luscious ring". John Leslie is Honorary Life President of the National Association for Retired Wrestlers, a Patron of the Guide Dog Association and lives peacefully in a disused bomb shelter in Basra. Which is now two miles below the surface of the earth, partially because John Leslie sunk it deeply into the tectonic plate after eating one too many plates of gobi aloo saag, but mainly to prevent this edit from being contrary to the first line. John Leslie also approves wholeheartedly of starting sentences with prepositions. John Leslie is not to be confused with Samuel L. Jackson, because they are completely different.
|
