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| rdfs:label | - Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/HowTo:Replace bread with something else
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| rdfs:comment | - I made this article, but it definitely needs to be fixed up so please review it--Xamralco 01:52, July 4, 2011 (UTC) Awe man...this is so cool...I wanna do this :( ... I got dibs if you want a second review later :) though Im sure this review will be so great that it wont be necessary! -- 18:38, July 5, 2011 (UTC) Okay...looks like this is mine. Are you okay that I have this within 36 hours!?!?! :) -- 19:48, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
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| Mcomment | - cause thats what everything else is, for encouragement as well, cause its a great idea, there are funny moments in the article and it has great potential. Dont forget to make sure that you have a well thought out concept throughout the article. The best articles have them and yours needs one thats much clearer. Also...try to stick to one tone or the other or . More pictures. Spend time on it. Rock the Casbah.
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| Pcomment | - The prose, in terms of grammar, spelling and sentence composition seems fine. Im not the best judge of it anyways.
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| Icomment | - I find, that your first image is well placed and a good example. You might think of a slightly funnier caption . The second image is hilarious...did you chop that yourself? Try to make another one for the sandwiches with the middle replaced with bread. This would be super funny. And of course...you need more images. Consider chopping a couple examples...or asking a user to chop one as well. Also...think big and creative...you can always use images not directly related to an article, but with a clever pun or caption, it can fit in well. Good luck.
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| Ccomment | - Im giving a generous 8 because the idea behind the article is really funny and you do a good job in some sections. But in terms of the running concept throughout the article there is a lot of work to do. What are you trying to do with this article? To put it in SPIKES old way: Right now...you're just saying that sandwiches without bread are stupid...but like really lame and stupid. There can definitely be more.
Right now I dont see an over all concept, or an angle or anything underlying the structure of your article. It seems mostly that you are copying the structure of a wikipedia article and throwing in some jokes, however it also deviates many times from a typical wikipedia format by not following a typical encyclopedic style. I would imagine it would go more like:
Intro
History
Composition
Regional Variations
Commercial Applications
Criticism
References
Or something like that. If the format was a little more clearly like a wikipedia article then you could play the ironic sarcastic tone throughout by deviating from the serious tone into your absurd jokes about sandwiches towards the end of each section. Though thats not the only angle you have to take. You could tie sandwhiches without bread into the new organic or healthy food craze. You could rewrite the whole article to make it seem like people are doing it to eat healthier and at the same time totally make fun of heath nuts. In any case, I think 99% of all good articles have a really clear angle or theme running through them and the reader will be able to say...hahaha...thats what this is really about at the end of reading it.
What about other things in the food industry where an item is replaced? Like, making risotto but using couscous instead of rice, or making burritos but filling it with puréed pumpkin? What about relating it to other things in life where things are replaced...such as replacing the love you never had in live with an abusive boyfriend? Etc... lots of things to think about.
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| Hcomment | - Funny. This is funny in my humble opinion thought not yet hilarious. I like the ironic sarcastic tone throughout and there are funny jokes. The two images are also good. At the same time you mix the ironic sarcastic tone with a sort of dorky narrative , and imho this takes away from the dry sarcastic tone you use otherwise throughout the article and I also find it completely unnecessary. I think you should choose one or the other .
Lets do a play by play of the humour: Good idea in the intro to do the whole "hey everyone knows this is stupid and disgusting, but lets cash in on it/do it anyways" angle. Funny. Unfortunately, you mix both styles here, at one point you say: "which would be disgusting on its own" which is that dry sarcastic humour, but then throughout you have a hey, well, lets save the day, which is the opposite dorky style. I just dont see those mixing and it takes away from the humour. Otherwise, good intro. I like the use of a cliff hanger ending in an intro .
Replacing bread: Very funny. I wouldnt change a thing. This is, for me at least, in the pure ironic style and really well done. BRAVO!
What to replace with: Umm. I dunno man. Lists? I've said this several times before, but for me at least, a list is only good when a list is what is needed . Sorry man, I just dont think any of those are funny enough to be in a list. However, there is no reason why that cannot be put into a narrative, and its the perfect place for the expansion of your article!!!
Ex text: You can replace bread with just about anything. A fairly obvious substitute would be bread like foods such as doughnuts, pizza or pancakes. Using any of these however creates formidable problems when trying to create an over all well balanced sandwich. What you would fill a sandwich with to counter balance the sugar in a doughnut will prove to you just how creative you are at not only making snacks, but also in replacing the bread in your snacks with other things." Okay, this isn't funny but its the beginning of a narrative that can then wind into a hilarious punch line or then go all absurd and ridiculous . Im showing you one example of how you can expand a not funny list into a narrative that has funny potential.
The second of the two lists, has TONS of funny potential if you expand that into a narrative. Bring out your hyper creativity! A whole article could be written on what not to replace bread with when making a sandwich.
Variations: This is funny. However, you are again mixing both styles of humour . The "not a single customer bought it" maybe goes a little too far in the ironic department. You can modify this to be a little more creative "Only customers who where on a high carb diet bought the sandwich". Or something along the lines. Why not put a diagram like you had in the first section, it would be very funny. The bagel section is missing something. Think about placing half a piece of pita bread in between the bagel . What about other variations? Low salt variations? Kosher? Halal? There are lots of places to bring out extra absurdity here and you are obviously quite capable of it!
Advantages:I find this section really out of character with the other sections. While there is a cute moment or two, it lacks the extra creativity of the rest of the article. The only moment I saw as funny was the "in between puking sessions", the rest seems a little cheesy. Sorry. I would suggest completely rethinking that whole section. First, you arent really mentioning any real advantages of replacing bread except that you might lose weight and second its a poor way to end an article. Im not sure if you plan on expanding this or not, but why not get into the WHY of the article. If your whole article is really about the absurdity of replacing bread in sandwiches, why not make the people who do it seem absurd? Make up or come up with all sorts of ridiculous reasons why people do it in the first place: To make money, to save money, to be different, to some up with the NEW product, because the are bored, because the expect bread one day to become very expensive, its an international conspiracy, republicans want you to become malnourished, because bread just isn't enough these days for the modern complex person, because some superficial actors think its cool.
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| Fcomment | - I look forward to seeing the final product and let me know if you dont understand anything Ive said here, or if you have any extra questions...Im always eager to help/give suggestions :)
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| abstract | - I made this article, but it definitely needs to be fixed up so please review it--Xamralco 01:52, July 4, 2011 (UTC) Awe man...this is so cool...I wanna do this :( ... I got dibs if you want a second review later :) though Im sure this review will be so great that it wont be necessary! -- 18:38, July 5, 2011 (UTC) Okay...looks like this is mine. Are you okay that I have this within 36 hours!?!?! :) -- 19:48, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
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