| abstract | - Every stoner knows one thing and one thing only, South park. To become one with the stoners you must eat your brother or sister and watch South Park. The daily life of a Stoner High student is the freest and most luxurious in the nation. The only strictly mandatory activity is the 1:00 lunchtime assembly at which the song "Corruption" and "Dudes of Stoner" are sung with a musical accompaniment by a rotating series of school garage bands. Class selection ranges from hardcore offerings in graduate school microeconomics and quantum physics to astoundingly lightweight yet "stimulating" selections as Comparative Wine and Introductory Narcotics. The opening bell is at 11:00 AM and classes are 40 minutes long. Students may take as many or as few classes as they choose, although a minimum number of credits is required for graduation. The vending machines are supplied by the school breweries, and the student store has been outsourced to the Hostess Corporation, although there are many different student-owned businesses offering competing services. There are many different restaurants, bars, and other establishments open at varying hours. Computers are manufactured in-house by a number of computer science students; these computers are also Stoner's third largest export, after geniuses and huffed kittens. Stoner's proprietary operating system, Stoner OS, commands about 24% in worldwide market share. (for more information, see the Economy section.) Stoner High is almost wholly apolitical, with school pride (and a tall glass of Samuel Adams) completely eclipsing all right-wing and left-wing tendencies. Most political scientists, however, agree that Stoner's policies are generally socially libertarian and economically laissez-faire - both of these being the direct opposites of most high schools, in which the administration controls students' daily lives and owns all property, much as it would in a communist or fascist society. The only disturbances on campus (unless you count keggers and paintball tournaments) are periodic protests against Twinkie rationing, which are generally very well-attended but mostly peaceful and subdued, perhaps due to a lack of sugar.
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